by Brenda Ford
“It was…” I sigh loudly. “It was interesting…” I don’t know how to explain it. “It was… well, it was what it was.” I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know what else I can say about it.”
Bella screws up her face and confusion. “He wasn’t any good in bed?”
I shake my head no. “If only that was the problem.” I roll my eyes. “He was really good which only makes all of this harder. He was even better than I thought he was going to be. It was the best night of my life in that respect. But this morning he went all weird. He was talking all about work and not wanting to affect it with our affair. He was trying to sneak out of his room.” I think that will hurt no matter how many times I say it. “It was awful.”
Bella is silent for a few moments. I can tell that she is trying to digest this, just like I have been all morning. I have barely been able to focus on any of the activities set out for us today. I’m definitely not getting any team building benefits. But even through all of that thinking, I haven’t been able to draw any conclusions. I’m still just as baffled as I was when I first woke up and saw Ryan trying to sneak out on me like I was a one night stand.
God, I’m so embarrassed. I can’t believe how much of a fool I am. There I was thinking that last night was going to be the start of a serious relationship with me and Ryan. It’s a good job I didn’t say anything to Bella because this is humiliating enough as it is.
“He is known to be a workaholic, isn’t he?” she finally replies with a one shoulder shrug. “Maybe he really was just panicking about how it would affect things at work. You can’t deny that’s going to be weird especially with you and him working so close together…”
“I guess so,” I reply glumly. “That doesn’t mean I don’t feel used and stupid though.” I automatically glance over to where Ryan is sitting, before I remember myself and I avert my eyes. when I said that I didn’t want to see him again I really meant it. “Urgh, I hate this. I just want this stupid team building thing to be over with so we can all go back home. Get back to normal… not that I’m convinced that things will be normal in the office now.”
I allow my head to fall in to my hands while I let out a loud groan. I feel hopeless, useless, and utterly stupid. This isn’t the happy ever after that I wanted. This isn’t going to plan at all.
“Shall we avoid the afternoon of activities?” Bella whispers to me. “I don’t think you’re going to get anything out of it today and I’m not either. I mean, how is a three legged race going to help me communicate better?” She shudders. “We should go for drinks instead?”
I purse out my lips while I consider this. To be honest it sounds so much better than what the resort has planned for us. Plus, the added benefit will be avoiding Ryan for the rest of the day. I might have to see him later on at dinner, but it will be the last night of that, and if I have a couple of drinks in my system then I will probably be able to handle it much better.
“The fact that you are actually thinking about it tells me you want to do it,” Bella laughs. “Come on you never do anything naughty. If today isn’t the day then I don’t know what is.”
“Can we go to the bar here though?” I ask Bella doubtfully. “Won’t they come looking for us? Surely the bar staff will tell them where we are, and it will just get awkward.”
“Actually, I have a little friend working behind the bar,” Bella tells me mysteriously. “I met him on the first night after you left, and we have been having a good time together.”
“Is this a male friend?” I can’t believe that I have become so caught up in my own drama I didn’t even know this was going on in Bella’s life. There is nothing like someone else’s love life drama to pick me up from my own misery. “Ooh, tell me everything.”
“Just come with me.” She tugs on my arm. “Meet him for yourself. Then you can give me your honest opinion of him. I’m pretty sure you’re going to like him though.”
Well, now I definitely can’t refuse her offer to escape the afternoon. I’m happy to let her drag me away from Ryan and everyone else from work as well. I need a break. Perhaps if I’m still at the company next year, I will only organize a one day thing. Or if it has to be longer then I will make sure there are plenty of breaks. This year is definitely missing out on that.
But I don’t want to consider next year at work when my future feels incredibly uncertain now. I never thought that finally getting Ryan would mean losing him and my job, yet here I am facing that exact dilemma. God, if this afternoon doesn’t call for a drink then I don’t know when does. Thank God I have Bella with me to help me through this difficult time…
We should probably skip dinner, especially since me and Bella are beyond tipsy now. I don’t think there’s any chance of us being discreet at all, but Bella has insisted that she is starving hungry and she doesn’t care what anyone says about us missing this afternoon. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m drunk but there’s something about her logic which gets to me. I can’t help but get sucked along with her way of thinking. I mean I am hungry as well…
Uh oh… everyone’s eyes are upon us immediately. We are like characters from a freak show who everyone has paid to see. Even with my blurry eyes, I’m more than aware of everyone wondering what the hell is wrong with me. It makes me want to laugh, which is probably a strange reaction to what’s happening, but I go with it anyway. With in minutes me and Bella are both bent double in hysterics. I can’t stop and I don’t think she can either.
“I need something to eat!” Bella is completely unashamed. “What is for dinner tonight?”
She takes a seat with one beside her for me to sit in and ignores whoever calls out her and asks her where the hell she’s been. Her unabashed behavior is intoxicating for me. After what I’ve been through the past couple of days that’s how I want to act as well. I need wine to see that he hasn’t bothered me. I want him to know that I might have been angry this morning, but he hasn’t affected me enough to get under my skin. I just think it will be much better to save face. Especially if me and him are going to work together in the future.
Bella tucks in to her food and I do the same. It isn’t long before everyone else has joined in and they have resumed their conversation, all but forgetting about our strange disappearance. I’m sure it will come up again, but for now, since it’s the last night of the team building event it seems like everyone just wants to have fun and to make the most of the resort while we are here. I can’t blame them; it is a nice place. It’s just a shame that it has been ruined for me.
“Told you we would get away with it,” Bella hisses in a totally in a discrete manner. “We are just the best. And with the help of Adam… well we just got lucky, didn’t we?”
Adam is Bella’s bar tender hunk who kept us stocked up with drinks all afternoon long. From the flirting it seemed to me like he is more in to Bella than she is him, I’m pretty sure he’s more of a holiday fling in her eyes, but we all had fun together anyway. I needed that. It helped me to forget about all of my Ryan drama. I’m barely even thinking about it now…
Uh oh. Of course, I’m thinking about it now. I don’t want to be but I am. It’s impossible for me not to be when he’s in the room somewhere. I don’t know where because I’ve made an effort not to look for him, but I can sense him around me. I guess I am hyper sensitive to his presence because I have spent so much time around him.
I hang my head low and try to focus on the food, starting to lose all of the confidence that brought me in to this room. This can’t end well, can it? I can’t avoid him forever.
“Sara?” As if to prove my point there he is asking for my attention. “Can I speak with you please?” He is using his firm tone of voice. The one that usually leads to firing.
“Erm… now?” I want to avoid it for as long as I can. I certainly don’t want it to happen when I’m drunk. “I just wanted to finish my dinner first if that’s okay?”
But it only takes one glance at his expression to see that he is seri
ous. Ryan isn’t waiting for me to mess around now. So, with a deep sigh I put my cutlery down and I follow him out of the room. I’m pretty sure that I hear people making comments about me behind my back and Bella sticking up for me like the good friend she is, but none of that helps. This is definitely going to be bad. It doesn’t even have to be about what happened last night. Ryan could fire me for missing the events of this afternoon and there isn’t anything I can do about it. Not when I know I’m in the wrong. I will have to just accept my firing and hope that I can get another job before I lose everything. I don’t have enough savings to last me for long, so it won’t be easy. Plus, it will be hard for me to get another job when I lost my last one so unceremoniously.
God, if I do end up working somewhere else, I will never ever make the same mistake again.
“I want to say sorry,” Ryan surprises me by saying. “This morning was a big mistake. The way that I acted was terrible. I don’t blame you for avoiding this afternoon because of me. I know that was my fault. I would love it if you just let me explain myself. If you still hate me then, that’s obviously you’re prerogative. But at least I will know that I’ve had my chance to speak. I can have that can’t I?”
I feel like I can’t say no. I do owe him that much don’t I? It certainly seems so when he is giving me that desperate needy look…
Chapter 9 – Ryan
I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why things are still awkward between us, why she won’t seem to let my stupid actions go. Last night, I thought that when I pulled her out from the dinner, I assumed that me and her would get things back on track. But I guess it wasn’t the right time since she was pretty drunk, so it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise that it became a similar argument as what we had in the morning with us going around and around in circles. I did keep trying to get things back on the right path, but it was impossible.
And now, here we are, having an awkward car ride away from the resort and back to our real lives, just making everything a million times more complicated. I never should have given in to my feelings. I should have stepped back and thought about it much smarter.
I’m an idiot, I think sadly as I shake my head in disappointment. Such a fool.
I don’t know why she chose to ride back with me. I’m sure there must have been room in Bella’s car, but it isn’t a good sign. It isn’t because she is willing to speak to me.
“Have I got a busy schedule for the rest of the week?” I ask awkwardly, my voice stiff making it very hard to break through the horrible tense atmosphere.
Sara turns to look at me with wide shocked eyes. I don’t know if it’s because she didn’t expect me to speak or if it’s because I have said something to offend her, but I can’t take those words back now. “I… I don’t know. I don’t have my scheduling book with me.”
“Oh right, of course.” I nod slowly. “Sorry, I don’t know why I asked that.”
“Because you are always thinking about work.” I don’t need to see the eye roll; I can hear it in her voice. “You always have a busy week too. I’m sure there will be a lot going on.”
“Yes, I see.” I tap my fingers on the steering wheel, the anxiety getting stronger with every single second. “Okay, well we can sort it out tomorrow. No worries right now. Plenty of time.”
The silence that comes from the other end of the car speaks volumes. It makes me wonder what is going on with her. Is she thinking that she doesn’t want to come to work tomorrow? Have things gotten so bad that she doesn’t want to work closely with me anymore? Oh God, how am I going to make this right again? What can I do to make this less strange?
The cogs in my brain tick over at the speed of light, I find myself desperately trying to find an explanation to make her less hateful towards me, but everything that I can think of I have already tried saying and it hasn’t worked out. There isn’t anything to change her mind now.
We eventually arrive at her house way before I can think of anything to say and Sara practically jumps out of the car in an attempt to get away from me. It’s clear that there is no way to win her around right now. I slip out of the car as well and reach in to the back to grab her bag for her but she only snatches it away from me while muttering a word of thanks.
“Sara, I…” I start, but she isn’t about to hear me. Not right now. She spins on her heels and storms inside of her house while slamming the door hard behind her. I haven’t ever seen the door slamming version of Sara before, but it seems like I have one hundred percent sparked it now. I guess that if she does stick around, I will be seeing it a lot more. “Shit.”
For a few moments, I consider chasing after her and knocking on the door to try once more but then I realize that there isn’t any point. There is nothing more to be done right now. I just need to leave it. I have to get back in to my car and go to my own home…
My own big empty home which leaves me with absolutely no one to talk to. Shit, what a mess. I don’t want that. Not right now. I need something to distract my mind and despite all of the criticisms that I have received, there isn’t anywhere else that I can be other than work.
I speed off in the direction of the office and pull up quickly. Immediately, as soon as I am in the car park a sense of relief over comes me. A sense of knowing exactly where I stand in the world. Perhaps this is why I am such a workaholic because it’s rational, it’s easy, I know exactly what I’m doing. Anything else other than work has my head all in a spin.
“It’s fine,” I mutter angrily to myself as I head inside the building. “There is nothing wrong with loving work. Not at all. Plenty of people are like it. Literally tons…”
But it reminds me of what Ben has said to me as well. He has been going on at me for years about my obsession with work. He did it even before I went to the resort which only makes all of the other comments sting even more. Perhaps I really am in the wrong.
I plonk down at my desk, in my comfort zone, and switch the computer on to bring it to life. As I do, I try my hardest not to look over to Sara’s desk because I’m trying to distract myself from her, not make myself think even more about her. I have spent a lot of my time eyeing her as she sits there, admiring her and thinking about her long legs and what it might be like to kiss her… but that’s probably where it should have stayed. As a harmless fantasy nothing more.
“I can’t let her leave because of this,” I tell myself firmly. “I can’t lose her.”
Not only is she incredible and beautiful herself, she is a wonderful personal assistant as well. I have always thought that I would never be able to do as well as her and that’s something I stand by. I would never be able to settle with anyone else like I have her…
Even if I have to give up what could be something incredible between us, then I will. I’ll have to accept that anyway because I’m the one who caused it. I just don’t want to lose her completely. I’m scared of the idea of her walking out on me professionally…
“God, all you really do think about is work,” I snap at myself, irritated. “What a pig.”
Ben has always told me that I am missing out on life because of my focus on the business but I haven’t ever agreed with him. Until now. Now, I do feel a bit empty.
I need to speak to someone, to anyone, so without thinking much about it, I call Ben. He probably isn’t going to be kind to me and give me what I want, but it’s better than no one.
“Hey.” Thankfully as he picks up the phone, he sounds happier than before. “How’s it going, Ryan? Did your team building thing go well? I bet it was a hoot, wasn’t it?”
“A hoot?” I can’t help but laugh at this one. “I don’t know about that. I’m glad it’s over.”
“Oh yeah? Did something happen? You don’t sound too pleased about it?”
I hang my head low, wondering if I should say anything at all. But then if I don’t tell my brother then I will end up with absolutely no advice from anyone. “I kinda got myself in to a bit of a situation with my personal assistant.
Sara, you know who I mean?”
“I don’t think that I have ever met her, no, but what do you mean by ‘situation’? That doesn’t sound good. Please tell me you haven’t fooled around with her or something like that…” I don’t say anything, but I guess my silence speaks volumes on my behalf. “Oh God. That’s not good. You shouldn’t mix business and pleasure, should you? I thought that was your rule.”
“It is, but I kinda lost myself, I guess. I like her even though I know I shouldn’t.”
“Wow.” Ben clearly doesn’t know what to say. “Wow, that’s… that’s pretty intense, isn’t it? And then it all went wrong? I mean, I’m just assuming that because of your tone.”
“Well, I panicked in the morning because like you say I don’t ever mix business and pleasure.” I hate the way I sound right now. I sound like an idiot but then I suppose I am one, aren’t I? “And it upset her. The way that I behaved upset her and now she’s all mad.”
“Oh God. So, you screwed it up?” I don’t know if Ben is taking the piss out of the situation and laughing at me, or if he’s just being blunt because he can be that way sometimes. “And how are you going to fix it? You need to fix it, right? You can’t just let this go.”
“Because of work.” I immediately assume that’s what he means because that’s just what I have been thinking of. “I don’t know. I want to come up with an idea, but I can’t…”
“Not because of work. God, get your head out of the office for just a moment. Because you like her, right? I mean, you obviously like her a lot because I haven’t ever heard you like this about anyone before. You haven’t ever broken your work place rule, so she must be special.”
“Erm…” I guess I haven’t thought of it in that exact way. “I don’t know.”
“Well, you do,” Ben insists. “I know you well enough to know that you do.”