by Brenda Ford
“Right…” I feel like he’s waiting for me to blindly agree with him, but I’m not too sure yet.
“So, you are going to have to find a way to make it work, you hear me?”
I let out a little laugh. “I called you to make a plan to come and see you…”
“You can’t come and see me yet,” Ben insists. “Not until you have this sorted. You can’t run away from this; you need to at least try, or you will never forgive yourself.”
I don’t know if this is a comment that comes from personal experience or not, but I let it wash over me. I accept it and take it in, knowing that he’s probably right. I do need to try because this whole thing is up in the air at the moment. No one knows where we stand.
“You can come with Sara at some point,” Ben chuckles. “I would like that better. Then I can get to know the woman who finally captured your heart. It has been thirty two long years so she must be something really special. I can’t wait to get to know who she is.”
Now, isn’t that a dream? Isn’t that a real idea happy ever after sort of situation. Me and Sara visiting Ben because we are together. But I can’t get too lost in that dream because it might not happen just yet. The best I might be able to do is keep her working for me.
“Okay, sure.” I nod as I speak, really confirming that I agree with him, if only to myself. “I will come and see you when it’s all sorted out, okay?”
“Sounds good. I’m looking forward to it already.”
I do feel a little better after speaking to Ben actually. It’s nice. He has given me a much needed boost of confidence to take this forward. Now I just need to hope that it’s all going to turn out as I want it to…
Chapter 10 – Sara
I fall against the front door and collapse in to tears, a sense of intense hopelessness over coming me. I don’t know why I decided to ride back with Ryan instead of Bella, I guess after my drunken idiocy last night I thought that it would be a good idea to try and smooth things over, but it ended up just being uncomfortable instead. I just got myself all wound up and messier. Now I don’t know if me and Ryan can ever be okay again.
“I need Bella,” I mutter to myself through the tears. “I don’t want to be by myself.”
I call her immediately and she seems to guess what I’m trying to say through the sobs. Thank God because I need her here with me right away. I’m more hopeless than ever before. At the resort, there was still a little sense that it wasn’t real life, that things could be fixed at some point, but now this is too stark. It’s too much like a harsh reality. I don’t like it at all.
“I thought that it was going to be more,” I choke out to myself, hating myself for being so foolish. “I never thought that it would end up just being sex.”
The thing is I suppose I should have guessed. From what I have heard from other people, Ryan Wilson isn’t exactly the settling down type. He’s not exactly the play boy extraordinaire, he isn’t the worst guy in the world, but he doesn’t ever have anyone serious in his life. According to Bella, who has been working for Ryan for longer than me, he doesn’t seem to have ever had a long term girlfriend. Perhaps that should have been a red flag for me, but it wasn’t. I kinda tricked myself in to believing that he was just waiting for the right woman…
Maybe he is. Perhaps he is and it just isn’t me. God, that’s a depressing thought.
Eventually, while I am still sitting beside it, there is a knock at the door. I practically leap up gratefully, glad that Bella is finally here because I am falling apart here. I am a mess. I swing the door open and practically leap in to my friend’s arms, desperate for her comfort.
“Oh God, what happened?” Bella moans. “You should have come back with me, I told you.”
I pull her inside and nod. “I know. I was foolish. I just thought that it was for the best. I didn’t want to make things more awkward than they already were. It’s so bad…”
“So, what about work?” We head in to my living room and take our seats. “How are you going to handle it? I don’t want to upset you even more than you already are, but I don’t think you will be able to calm down without a plan. You need to decide how to act.”
“Honestly?” I cock an eyebrow at Bella. “I don’t think I want to work there anymore.” I shrug my shoulders helplessly. “I think this has ruined the job for me and I want to leave. I don’t know if I can handle it. Sitting in that office with her, knowing what it’s like to be with him, knowing what we could have had… knowing how uncomfortable it is now…”
“You can’t leave,” Bella gasps in horror. “I can’t cope in the office without you.”
“I don’t want to,” I admit. “It’s the best job that I have ever had, and I like the office. I like working with you as well. I’m comfortable with the work. I don’t want to go, but I don’t know if I can stay now. I have been rejected by the one person I have ever really liked…”
“Oh no.” Bella claps her hands to her mouth in shock. “I didn’t realize that it was like that. I thought you just had the hots for him, like everyone else because there is no denying that he is gorgeous. I didn’t know that you actually liked him. Yeah, that does change things…”
The way that my friend is looking at me breaks my freaking heart, it just shows how sad and pathetic I am. How stupid I have always been when it comes to Ryan.
“Am I the only one?” I ask sadly, needing to know the whole truth now. “Has he slept with other people from the office? Don’t worry about hurting my feelings, I just want to know…”
“Honestly, Sara, I didn’t even think it would really happen with you. Even as I saw you heading up to a hotel room together, I thought that he would back out because he is known for never fooling around with people he works with. It isn’t like him at all.”
I nod and try to absorb this but to be honest I don’t know if it makes it better or worse. Knowing that he isn’t just a fuck boy who’s web I got caught up in means that I can’t hate him. It suggests that given half the chance we actually could have something together.
“I see,” I rasp back. “Right… well, that’s just… urgh. I have no other words.”
“We need a movie night,” Bella tells me decisively. “Movies and ice cream, that’s what is in order today. You need to relax and try to forget about all of this shit.”
“But what about my plan?” I demand. “About how I will act tomorrow.”
“I don’t think we need to worry about that.” She has changed her tune very quickly. “I think we just need to forget about everything instead. You have clearly been obsessing for far too long about this so now we just need to worry about that when the time comes.”
Oh God, the time is definitely going to come far too quickly, but there isn’t anything that can be done about that. Bella is right, I really could use a little break away from my brain. And movies and ice cream are supposed to be key for heart break, aren’t they?
I feel better. At least I think I do until Bella crashes asleep on my couch and I find myself all by myself once more with only my thoughts for company. And my thoughts suck. They are trying to work out Bella’s plan for tomorrow, just like she advised I should… well, until she told me that I shouldn’t, but it all just feels awkward and kind of terrible.
If we act normal and act like we didn’t have sex, then I am going to be hurt. If we talk it through and continue to come to the same non conclusion, then it’ll make me want to scream, and well… I don’t think I can see us coming to any other ending now. If there was any other out come anything like what I wanted, then I’m sure that we would have seen a glimmer of it already. So, basically, there isn’t anything positive that can come from this.
With a deep, sigh, I haul my ass off the couch and over to my lap top. This probably isn’t the best time to start making any kind of major life decisions when I’m all emotional, but I can’t just do nothing either. I really do need to be proactive and looking to see if there are any other jobs out there is the best solutio
n for me. I have worked at other companies before, I know that I can be adaptable if I need to, so that’s what I will do.
I also hope that by making that choice, I will get back to the real me as well. Right now, I’m a sobbing broken mess. Nothing like the strong confident woman who has gotten me this far in life. I want to be her again because that ‘me’ suits me so much better than this.
I’m surprised to find a lot of jobs available in the area. Definitely more than the last times that I have hunted for work, which might be a sign that this is the right move for me. There are also a lot that I would be perfectly suited for as well. Some that I’m sure I would enjoy. This gives me a bit of a boost. I rapidly update my resume so that it fits with my current status and I send off applications for the jobs. I don’t put as much effort in to the application as I would if I was desperate and actively looking for somewhere to work, I’m definitely not one hundred percent set on moving just yet, but I do feel better knowing that I have done something.
“Fuck you, Ryan,” I mutter, but with absolutely no bitterness in my tone. I’m more sad that it has come to this point than anything else. I’m hurt that everything has fallen apart in such an epic and tragic way. Right now, it feels life shattering. “You don’t own any part of me at all.”
The morning brings with it a head ache worse than any hang over I have ever suffered in my life. The tears have put a lot of pressure on me and now I’m aching all over. To make matters worse, it only takes one glance in the mirror to know that I look like complete shit. Certainly not the way I want to face Ryan today. A shower and make up might help, but I don’t know if it will enough. I’m sure that he will still be able to see that I am a fucking state.
“Morning.” I almost forgot that Bella slept over last night until she shocks me by greeting me. “How are you feeling today? You look a lot better than you did last night.”
“I do?” I scoff. “My God, then I must have looked absolutely dreadful.”
“Just upset more than anything else. But you can face it today.” She nods at me determinedly. “I will help you through it all, but you can do it. Anything to make sure that you don’t leave because I really don’t want that.” I avert my eyes feeling guilty. I guess I won’t be sharing my last night of escapades after all. I don’t even want to think about how many jobs I applied to. It was sure a lot. “Anyway, let’s get organized. Ready to face the day.”
She says it like we are headed to war, and I guess that’s how it is a little. If everyone is already aware of what’s going on, then people will be taking sides and battling. I’m sure more people will want to support Ryan than me because he is the boss after all. I’m going to be the one who ends up with nothing and no one. Well, aside from Bella, but I’m sure she will get why I inevitably have to leave and get a new job if it comes to that.
“Yes, right.” I breathe out deep and nod my head. “Let’s get ready. I can’t put it off any longer, can I? I have to… to face it eventually. Oh God, Bella, can I do this?”
“You can.” She rests her hands on my shoulders and stares determinedly at me. “Just remember who you are. Remember how kick ass you can be. Don’t ever forget that.”
I nod and just about manage to get a smile on my face in gratitude to my friend. It’s actually a good job that Bella ended up staying over last night because if she didn’t then I don’t think I would have the strength. I would have to take my first sick day which definitely wouldn’t look good. I suppose as hard as this is, getting it out the way sooner rather than later is much better.
“Okay.” I suck in a breath and try to calm myself down. “Let’s do this.”
“Yes, let’s.” Bella winks. “But you are going to have to lend me some clothes…”
Chapter 11 – Ryan
I stare at Sara’s desk, wondering where she is again. It’s been almost a week since we returned from the disastrous team building event and we are no closer to making things right between us. I have hardly seen her, she is avoiding me as much as she can, while still somehow getting everything done to her typically high standards. I don’t get it at all.
I sigh loudly, thinking of all the ways that I have tried to break down her barriers through out the week, none to any success. When I have talked to her about work, she has snapped back in a brisk and efficient manner, giving me only the details that I need to know, nothing more, nothing less. Those exchanges are always very cold and include zero eye contact. Then I have tried being simply friendly with her just to see if we can get that vibe back, but that has fallen like a lead balloon. I even once tried to bring up what happened, but she stormed out of the office at the speed of light and I didn’t see her for the rest of the day. That was clearly a mistake.
I don’t know what to do now. I keep hitting a brick wall and I don’t know how to break it down. If it wasn’t for Ben and his constant message of encouragement, which isn’t something that I have ever had from him before, then I might have given up by now.
Just as I am about to rise up from my seat to go for a little stroll around the office, not directly to look for Sara to see where she is hiding out to avoid me, but if I do see her then of course I will be happy about that… but I don’t get anywhere because she swings her hips in to my room, stunning me to the core. Of course, Sara doesn’t look at me, but I can’t expect too much, just the fact that she is here is enough, so I fall back in to my chair.
“I just had a call from Mr. Tanaka,” she tells me quietly. She doesn’t see the blank expression on my face, but she must be able to know that it’s there just because we know one another so well, so she continues. “You were supposed to have a meeting with him, but he has had to cancel. He wants to make it for later on in the month, so I found a space on the twenty forth. Does that work for you? It’s in the morning. You don’t have anything else on…”
“Er sure.” I can’t help my surprise. “You are in charge of my schedule.”
“Right, okay. Then I will put it in the diary for you and clear your afternoon tomorrow. Although it might not stay clear for long. I’m sure that there is someone dying to jump in to that spot.” Weirdly, there isn’t any sarcasm in her voice. “I will let you know anyway.”
I feel like I need to take advantage of this moment. This is the first time that we have talked in ages. “You always make me coffee.” I rise up to my feet. “So, I should make you one for a change. I’m embarrassed to say that I don’t even know how you take it. I guess that’s because you are the one who has always made it for me.” I laugh… well, sort of.
“Really?” Sara can’t hide the shock from her tone which only makes me feel worse. I haven’t ever really done anything like that for her before which isn’t right, is it? Sure, she is my personal assistant, but it doesn’t hurt to do things the other way around once in a while. “Erm…”
God, it really feels like she is warming to me. At last. If I had known that making a coffee could be the bridge between the pair of us, then I would have done it so much sooner. But just as she is about to tell me what her coffee order is, Ken from sales slips in to my office without knocking, because he never does, not that it normally bothers me, and he shatters the atmosphere surrounding us. He breaks it all in two without even understanding what he has done. I nearly cry out with sheer frustration because that it so damn annoying…
“Oh, boss, glad that you are here,” he says, totally oblivious. “I wanted to talk to you about the sales and marketing strategy at the moment. I have had some ideas…”
Ken keeps talking but I don’t hear any of it. instead, I’m watching what’s going on behind him because I’m losing Sara. She is rapidly gathering up everything that she wants and needs to keep her going and she is making a quick exit. I guess the coffee is off the table and so is any potential conversation that we could have had. My heart sinks sadly.
“What is going on?” Ken says a little louder, grabbing my focus. “It’s frosty as all hell in here. I heard that you and Sara had a massive disagr
eement at the team building thing, but I didn’t believe it until now.” He lets out a low whistle. “Man, that was too much.”
I’m not going to give anything away to Ken, I don’t know him well enough for that, but I do huff loudly, giving myself away regardless. If it’s becoming noticeable to other people, then the environment between me and Sara is starting to affect the worst place. That has always been my worst nightmare and now it’s happening anyway. I need to do something about it. I can’t just keep skating around the issue anymore because it’s embarrassing. I need to act now.
Ken seems to sense that I’m not having this conversation with him, so he continues on with what he was telling me in the first place, leaving me to work out how to change things…
As expected, I don’t see Sara for the rest of the day, but that’s okay because she has left her bag on her chair so I know that she will have to come and get it at the end of the day before she goes home. She will try and snatch it away rapidly so that she can avoid me, but I’m not going to let that happen. I am going to demand that she stays behind so we can sort this out once and for all. I refuse to let our awkwardness have a negative impact on the work place.
I might be thinking confidently, but my heart is hammering painfully against my rib cage, my breaths are a little short, and I can’t sit still however hard I try. I’m a mess and I’m sure that Sara will sense that as soon as she enters the room, but I’ll still have to carry on.
Oh God, there she is. I automatically put my head down as I spot her just outside of the office. I don’t know why because I certainly can’t keep looking downwards. I guess it’s just one of those automatic things now. Get it together, Ryan. Make this work.
The door clicks open and I force my eyes up. She grabs her bag without fully entering the room, but I hold up my hand to stop her. Luckily, she just about catches this gesture.