Intoxicated

by Brenda Ford

  I never really thought about having kids. It just hasn’t come in to the equation when I have thought about my life. It isn’t that I don’t want a family or anything like that, I just haven’t been in a position where it has come in to my thoughts. I haven’t been in a serious relationship, so it hasn’t come about. I have always been far more focused on my business than anything else. But now… well now I have to think about it. I need to consider it fully. I need to imagine myself in a position where I have a baby in my arms, and I am a father…

  Although I think at some point, Sara might have told me that she doesn’t want me in the child’s life. I can’t be one hundred percent sure on that because my memory is all over the place. As soon as she said the word ‘pregnant’, everything is fuzzy. I don’t remember the rest of the conversation, I don’t even remember leaving her house, I just know that at some point I ended up back at my house and that’s where I remain now with my head all over the place.

  I haven’t been in to work. I haven’t even spoken to anyone. I haven’t done a damn thing. I am just sitting here on this couch, in the light and in the dark as well, just thinking.

  Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

  My cell phone blasts out, but I’m pretty sure that it’s just going to be someone from the office again. I am sure that I’ve spoken to someone from there to tell them that I will be back when I’m no longer sick (I said sick because I don’t know how else to describe what’s going on with me) but they have continued to try and contact me. Right now, I’m not in the right frame of mind to speak to anyone so I ignore it. They will get the hint soon enough.

  Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

  “Leave me alone,” I mutter. “Just leave me alone. I don’t want to speak to anyone.”

  Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

  But it isn’t stopping. If I want this noise to go the hell away, then I need to pick it up. Either to cancel the call or to answer it already. I’m surprised to see Ben’s name on the screen. I can’ remember the last time that I spoke to my brother. Before all of this anyway. So, without thinking, I hit the answer button because I want to hear his voice.

  “H… hello,” I stammer, my voice thick and awkward. “Hi, Ben.”

  “Oh my God. What the hell is going on with you?” Ben isn’t about to beat around the bush. “I thought that I hadn’t heard from you for a little while, but I didn’t know it was because you were ill. What’s going on? Are you sick or just a cold? Something like that?”

  “Nothing like that.” I shake my head even though I can’t see it. “I’m not ill at all. I’m just…” Oh fucking hell, now I really do feel like I might throw up. “Things have gotten worse.”

  “With Sara?” He sounds sad on my behalf which only brings my emotions flooding to the surface. “Why? What’s happened? You haven’t managed to sort things out with her?”

  “She’s pregnant,” I whisper. “I don’t know what to do. She’s having a baby.”

  Ben is silent for a few moments too long before he answers me. Each second that ticks passed without him saying anything brings with it another tsunami of anxiety. “Isn’t this good news?” he finally says to me. “If you and her are going to be together?”

  His words stun me to the core. I don’t even know how to digest them. “What do you mean?”

  “Well… you’re falling for her, right?” he declares as if this is a given. “That’s the impression I got when we spoke before. You have been holding back because it’s complicated because of the work situation, but you haven’t been able to help your feelings… so why is this so complicated now? I don’t understand what the issue is here.”

  “Well, because…” Oh God, how do I even go about explaining this to him? “Because we have only slept together a couple of times. Because we aren’t even dating now. Because it’s much too soon. I don’t know what other reasons I can give you. Because it’s a mess.”

  “But it doesn’t need to be a mess.” I honestly don’t know when Ben got to be so wise and collected about things. This makes me feel even worse about my reaction. “I don’t mean to be a dick about it, but you have made it more messy than it needs to be. You want to be with her, she wants to be with you… or at least that’s how it seems to me. She is having a baby. Yes, it might not be according to whatever life plan you had or the way that you think things are supposed to go, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. That doesn’t mean it can’t work.”

  My stomach sinks. I feel like shit. I don’t know why Ben is acting in a very different way to me. I know that he isn’t the father of this child, but the way that he’s seeing it is totally different. He’s seeing it in a way that I should be able to.

  “Oh fuck, but I don’t think I reacted well to the news, Ben,” I groan. “I think I kinda went silent and I was a bit of an asshole. She probably hates my God damn guts.”

  “How long ago did you find out?” he asks me briskly, straight to business.

  “I don’t know. A couple of days, I think. It’s been a bit of a blur.”

  “Don’t be an idiot, Ryan. If it has only been a couple of days, then you can still make it right. You can be happy here. You can come out of this with everything that you want, you just need to pull your head out of your own ass and go and sort this out.”

  “Communication,” I whisper, knowing that has been a big problem for us all along. Me and Sara have never quite been able to talk. “I need to talk to her, don’t I?”

  “Exactly. And you are going to have to get better at that if you’re about to be a father, don’t you think? You are going to have to find a way to sort all of this out.”

  I take all of what Ben says inside of me and I accept it. Much as I’m still nervous to become a father, that’s probably a natural reaction for anyone to have, it doesn’t mean that I can’t do it. I can do it, and if it means that I get to have Sara as well then so be it. We will learn to communicate better as well; we will be able to get on the same page once we both work towards the same goal. Everything has been fractured so far which is what has caused all of the arguments, but it’s time to sort this out once and for all.

  Eventually, me and Ben say our goodbyes and as soon as I hang up the phone to him it’s like I am a brand new man. My head has cleared, and I can see what I need now. Thank God, I no longer have to be fuzzy and foggy headed. I know what I want. It’s obvious.

  I head out to my car and start the drive over to Sara’s place. Since she doesn’t live far it doesn’t take me long to get to her place and as soon as I’m there I realize that I can already see her. She isn’t in her home, she is in the car across the street from me, talking to a man.

  He has a smart business suit on and looks very crisp. He’s a little older than me, but handsome and I’m sure someone that Sara would be attracted to. I mean, why wouldn’t she? It might seem quick after me and her fell apart, not that we were ever fully together, but she is in a bad situation. She has been in a terrible back and forth with me and now she’s in a sticky situation with the baby, so how could I blame her for wanting to move on. With him.

  “Shit, am I too late?” I murmur to myself as I slide down in the seat of my car, the iron like weight pressing down on my shoulders once more. “Have I lost her?”

  She looks happy as she talks and laughs with this guy. He looks like he is bringing her light back out again. The light that I forced her to lose. Not that it was ever my intention, but it happened anyway. I guess I should be happy that she has found it with someone else.

  But as I watch her, seeing a very different version to her than what I saw the other day when I was at her door, I realize that I don’t want anyone else to bring that out of her. I want it to be me. I don’t want her to be with someone else, and I also don’t want anyone else being in my child’s life. That might be a bit of a rich statement since I pretty much walked away from her, but I don’t want any of that. I want her. I want it to be me in her life.

  “I ca
n’t leave this.” I squeeze my fists by my side as I watch them continue to talk. What could they possible have to talk so much about outside of Sara’s house? If this is the end of a lunch date or something, then it needs to end right now. This is just getting silly now.

  There is a little part of me that wants to leap out of the car to put a stop to this here and now, but I’m trying to be better at communicating now, I need to be rational. I have acted way out of character for far too long, I need to show Sara that I can be better.

  “Come on, come on.” My legs shake anxiously, the temper is starting to burst through with me. “Come on, Sara. Please end this conversation. I want to talk to you.”

  She doesn’t owe me anything. She doesn’t owe me a conversation at all. But I need it. I need it so badly it hurts. I bite my thumb, I chew on it hard, I do anything that I can not to let out a scream. And soon my patience is rewarded by her finally exiting the car. Only that sight brings me more questions than answers because Sara is wearing what seems to be a business suit. She doesn’t look like she has been on a lunch date at all. She looks like she has been working. Could that be possible? She did threaten to get a new job, but has she? Have I really upset her that much? I guess there is only one way to find out and that will happen as soon as the car with the other man in it drives off and finally gives us a much needed chance to speak.

  Chapter 18 – Sara

  “Thank you very much, Mr. Arnold. I really appreciate the ride.” I smile at my new boss. “I promise I will get my car fixed up over the weekend, so you don’t need to help me out anymore. You have already gone above and beyond for me. I appreciate everything.”

  “I don’t mind.” He smiles back at me. “You are on my way home anyway, but I’m sure it will be much better for you to have your own vehicle on the road. Especially with the little one on the way. Trust me, I have kids of my own. Me and my wife wouldn’t be able to cope.”

  I laugh and say goodbye to him, waving as he drives away, feeling amazing as he goes. It is always nerve wracking starting a new job, and I felt that yesterday on my first real day, but Mr. Arnold and everyone else has been so welcoming. I couldn’t be happier.

  “This is good,” I whisper to myself as he drives away. “Everything is so much better.”

  And it is in many ways. It’s a lot better. Of course I miss a lot of my old life. I don’t like not seeing Bella every day, even if I have friends at my new work place, they aren’t her, and despite everything that has happened, I miss working for Ryan as well. Before everything happened, we did always have a good time together. But I needed to make a change, there is no denying that. I don’t have any choice, and this is what I went with. I’m happy about it.

  Only when Mr. Arnold’s car vanishes off in to the distance, I get a strange cold feeling trickling down me, like there are eyes piercing through me, stealing my soul. I don’t know where that strange sensation is coming from and that’s freaking me the hell out. It’s like there is danger creeping up on me, and I don’t know where from. I dart my eyes around curiously, trying to locate the person looking at me so I can assess how much trouble I am in…

  “Oh fuck.” And there I see him. Ryan, hiding in his car fucking looking at me over the dash board like he is a stalker or something. “What the hell is going on now?”

  I half consider spinning on my heels and racing inside, ignoring him completely. He certainly doesn’t deserve any of my focus after the way that he treated me the other day, but on the other hand I don’t know if he will go away if I don’t. I don’t know why he’s here, but it might be best if I just get rid of him here and now so I don’t have to peer through the window at him all night long, silently pleading with him to leave already before I call the cops.

  “Fuck this.” I use all of the confidence inside of me to storm towards him. “No way.”

  I hammer hard on the window, letting him know that he doesn’t have to keep pretending. I have seen him, there isn’t any more hiding from me. I’m hoping that he takes the hint and leaves me alone already because I seriously don’t want anything to do with him.

  “What are you doing here?” I bark out, pleased at how strong I sound this time. “Didn’t I tell you to leave me alone already? Why the hell have you come back? Are you staling me or something? Because that really isn’t cool. I don’t need any more drama.”

  He doesn’t answer me right way, instead he takes his time getting out of the car to face me. My pulse races in my mouth the entire time and my eyes automatically want to look away. I don’ know if I can handle seeing him right now. But I don’t cave to that desire because I need Ryan to see that it doesn’t matter what he will do to me, I won’t be broken.

  “Are you working somewhere else?” he asks me calmly. “Because that breaks my heart. I miss having you in the office every single day. It hurts.”

  “Oh… of course, you are here because of work.” I roll my eyes. “Leave me alone.”

  “Sorry, that has always been my mistake, hasn’t it?” he shakes his head sadly. “That isn’t what I’m here to talk about anyway. I’m just starting with that as it’s an easier way to get in to the conversation. I don’t know where else I can begin without it being strange.”

  I don’t know what to say to that actually. I guess that is just a side of him that I need to accept. It doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the most important thing to him, just that it’s where he starts talking because it’s easier for him. It’s a lot of what he knows.

  “But I’m here to apologize to you for everything that I have done, but most of all the way that I reacted to the news. I guess… well, it was just a shock to me, that’s all.”

  “It was a shock to me as well,” I insist. “But I don’t have anywhere I can run.”

  “I know, I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me to be honest. I just…”

  I can’t take this anymore; I can feel myself getting emotional again and I really don’t want that. “Look, you made it pretty clear that you are out, Ryan, so I am done. I don’t want anymore back and forth and I’m sure that isn’t really working for you either. We need to cut ties for good, don’t you think? It won’t be healthy for the baby when he or she is born…”

  “No, I don’t want to keep going back and forth either,” he insists. “But I don’t want to cut ties either. I want us to be together, Sara. I think that might be what I have always wanted. I know, before you yell at me some more, that I haven’t been great at showing it, but I have. Me and you… well, we have something special, don’t we? We have a lot going on between us and I’m sure that if we just give it a shot then we can be something amazing.”

  Shit, this is it. The movie moment where the lead male realizes that he has made a mistake all along and he wants me back. He is here to sweep me off my feet which is everything that I want and more. But I have to remember that this isn’t a movie, it’s real life and my heart is fully on the line here. Without even trying, he could shatter it in to a million pieces.

  “We tried, Ryan,” I tell him wearily, trying my hardest to push my romantic fantasies to one side. “We tried and failed. I don’t know if we can try anymore…”

  “But we didn’t try.” He shrugs his shoulders helplessly. “We never tried really. We just had a couple of heated moments and that’s it. we never actually tried to be together, did we? You know that as much as I do. I think we have both wanted to be together but have just been bad at expressing that which is why it has felt like a roller coaster. I’m asking now that we actually give it a shot. Me and you, in a relationship together. If it doesn’t work, then so be it. At least we won’t be walking away from this wondering what could have been.”

  Shit, his words are getting through to me. I kinda feel like he might be right. When he lays it out like that in front of me, I can see what he means. We haven’t actually tried being together, which could make everything so much different. And since we are in the early stages of pregnancy it could be the best time to tr
y that out, to see if our chemistry could work in a real relationship, before our child is born and can be screwed up by our back and forth. I also won’t work with him again either, that isn’t something that I want to change, so there won’t be the dynamic of boss and employee to complicate things. This could be worth trying…

  But as I meet his eyes, I know that I am still scared. I’m really frightened of giving myself over to him again even if he’s looking at me like he could freaking love me or something. I don’t know if I can really give my heart up again when I have been so fiercely trying to protect it. I don’t know if I trust it in his hands because he might shatter it again…

  But if I don’t try then I will never know, and that is scarier. So, without thinking any more about it, I hook my hand possessively around the back of his neck and drag my lips up to meet his. As soon as they connect, I feel that wonderfully powerful chemistry surge between us once more. My head might not be ready to give my heart up again, but my body wants to anyway. I have a feeling that I will be battling my head and heart for a fair while now.

  “I’m falling for you, Sara,” Ryan tells me in a soft whisper as our lips part just a tiny bit. I can feel his breath tickling my lips which sends a shiver down my spine. This might not be him uttering the three magical ‘I love you’ words, but that’s okay. I don’t think I am ready to hear them yet, much less say them. One step at a time, slowly but surely, that’s the way we have to do this now. We have already moved far too quickly in other areas, even if it wasn’t exactly our intention, so moving at a reasonable pace in everything else is best.

  “I’m falling for you as well,” I admit while I rest my hand on his cheek. “Just treat me right, okay?” I still want him to know that I am not fully set, not just yet.

  “You are the mother of my child. Of course I will treat you right.”

  I take his hand in mine and lead him towards my house, knowing that we need to get inside to have the rest of this conversion. When I stormed over to his car before, I certainly didn’t expect our conversation to end up like this, but I’m pretty glad that it has. Now, I can let go of the worry and the stress, I can just focus on seeing where me and him could go. And like Ryan said, if it doesn’t work out, that’s okay. Hopefully we can have a much calmer break up and remain friends for the sake of our child. At least then we will know.