When You Are With Me

by E. L. Todd

  Cayson cringed. “That wouldn’t taste good—even if you barbequed it.”

  “After everything is digested, it’s all the same anyway,” Skye said.

  Cayson put his arm around her waist and gave her an affectionate look.

  I hated watching them together. It only reminded me of what I had with Ward. Sometimes the memories were so painful I didn’t want to remember them at all.

  “How about tacos?” Ward asked. “Everyone likes those, right?”

  “Yeah,” Skye said. “Let’s do it.”

  Ward looked at me. “Is that okay?”

  I didn’t like that he spoke to me directly. “Yeah, that’s fine,” I said immediately. “Why?”

  “I know you’re sensitive to certain types of foods,” he said. “I just wanted to make sure it was okay.”

  How did he know I was sensitive to certain types of foods because I was pregnant? Well, his sister had been pregnant twice. Maybe that was how he knew.

  We left the building and entered a taco shop. Cayson held Skye close to him and exchanged whispers with her. Judging the flush of Skye’s cheeks, I didn’t want to know what they were saying.

  “What are you getting?” Ward stood beside me, towering over me by almost a foot. His scent came into my nose and I hated the way it made me feel. It reminded me of the evenings when he got out of the shower with a towel around his waist. I used to kiss the drops from his chest then he would make sweet love to me.

  It made me want to cry.

  “Clementine?” He turned in my direction.

  “Sorry, I was just thinking. Probably the two carne asada tacos.”

  “Good choice,” he said.

  When we got to the counter, I was surprised when Ward paid for my food.

  “Uh, what are you doing?” I didn’t mean to sound rude and bitchy but I didn’t understand what he was doing.

  “I usually pay for lunch whenever I’m with a lady…” He didn’t meet my gaze. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

  Oh, so it wasn’t personal. “Well, thank you.”

  “Of course.”

  After we had our food, we sat in a booth. I wasn’t far along but when I sat down I always made sure my stomach didn’t hit the table. It was a weird habit I had. I was always afraid I would knock into something and hurt my baby.

  Ward sat beside me, to my misfortune. I hated being so close to him. Anytime I was near him I remembered the way he kissed me. He would always suck my bottom lip like it belonged to him. Maybe I just hadn’t been with a man in so long that I was sexually charged. Or maybe it was just Ward. I couldn’t tell.

  Cayson watched Skye eat with an amused expression. “Whoa, it’s not a contest.”

  “Shut up,” she said. “I’m starving. I went to the gym in the morning.”

  “It shows,” Ward said. “You’re looking great, Skye.”

  I looked at Cayson to see his reaction.

  He didn’t care at all. It was like they were friends.

  It was weird.

  Ward and Cayson started talking about sports.

  Skye turned to me. “Anything fun with the baby yet?”

  “I bought a crib,” I said. “But putting it together was difficult…” I didn’t mention Ward because I still couldn’t explain why he was there.

  “You aren’t getting that house then?” Skye asked sadly.

  I shook my head. “No. Someone already bought it.” It really bummed me out.

  “There will be other houses, Clemy,” Skye said. “When you have the money to make it happen.”

  “Yeah, but that was my dream house,” I said. “It would have been perfect for me and the kiddo.” I took a deep sigh. “But you’re right. I need to stay positive.”

  “You’ll find a better house,” Skye said. “Just wait for it.”

  We finished our food and left our empty trays on the table.

  “I’m going to wash my hands,” Cayson said. “I smell like Mexico.”

  “Me too,” Skye said. “But there’s a line.”

  He shrugged. “I can’t touch you when my hands are covered in grease so I’ll wait.”

  They both left the table.

  Leaving me alone with Ward.

  He sipped his soda and kept facing forward. “How are you handling the lack of caffeine?”

  I was relieved the topic was light. “It’s excruciating. I can barely get up in the morning.”

  He chuckled. “Well, there’s decaf. You might be able to trick your body into thinking its getting caffeine.”

  “Even decaf has too much caffeine in it.”

  “Oh, I see.” He nodded then rested his elbows on the table. “So, that house didn’t work out?”

  “No,” I said sadly.

  “Skye is right. Stay positive.”

  “Yeah…” I would probably always be tight on money. I had enough to get by and have a small savings but I wouldn’t be able to afford a decent house on a single income. I hated to admit it, but having a partner would make this so much easier. Could I give my child the life he deserved? Could I send him to college?

  “Anything new with you?” he asked. “New appliances to piece together?”

  I smiled slightly. “No, not really. I’ve just been playing music in my spare time. I think the baby likes it.”

  “What do you play?”

  “The piano and the violin.”

  “I’m sure he loves it.”

  It was awkward talking to Ward. And I didn’t think it would ever not be.

  “Taking your prenatals?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Have you been getting morning sickness?”

  “Every day at five,” I said sadly.

  He cringed. “That sounds terrible.”

  “You have no idea.”

  “So…” He paused for a long time. “Have you been seeing anyone?”

  I was shocked he asked me that. “No. I don’t think I’ll see anyone for the next eighteen years.”

  He stared straight ahead and didn’t say anything.

  I didn’t ask him the same question in return because I didn’t want to know. Hearing him dating and sleeping around would break my heart. What if he was already in love with someone? I couldn’t stand the thought.

  Silence stretched and I waited for Skye and Cayson to return. It was damn awkward.

  I suddenly felt a pain deep in my gut. It came as a short burst of pain, and I immediately touched my stomach and hunched over. A light moan came from my throat. What the hell was that?

  Ward turned to me with concern in his eyes. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah…” The pain passed. “I just got a weird pain in my stomach.”

  That didn’t assuage his fear. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

  “Yeah.” Then the pain came again. I gripped the table and breathed hard. “I…I don’t know what’s going on.”

  “Come on.” He got out of the booth then gave me a hand as he pulled me out.

  “Where are we going?”

  “To the hospital.” He grabbed me by the hand and pulled me out of the taco shop.

  I was terrified. What if something terrible happened and I lost my baby? I couldn’t let that happen. Being pregnant wasn’t something I was ready for when it happened, but now I couldn’t imagine my life without my baby. It was an existence I didn’t want to experience.

  Ward waved down a cab and got me inside. “New York Medical Center.” He put his arm around my shoulders then rested his other hand on my stomach. “You’re going to be okay, darling. I’m sure it’s just Braxton hicks.”

  “What the hell is that?” I said as another shot of pain ran through me.

  “It’s a spasm of your uterine wall. It feels like labor but it’s not.”

  “How the hell do you know that?” I blurted.

  “Just stay calm,” he said gently. “Breathe in through your nose and out the mouth.”

  I did as he said. I loved the way he was touching me and I f
elt ashamed to admit that, especially now of all times.

  “I’m sure that’s all it is but we’re going to go to the hospital just in case.” He ran his hand through my hair just the way he used to when we were lovers. “It’s going to be okay. I’m here.”

  Instinctively, I put my hand over his as it rested on my stomach. He took it one step further and interlocked our fingers together. I looked down at our affection and realized how much I missed it.

  Would I always miss it?

  ***

  Ward checked me in at the emergency room and then I was in the doctor’s office just moments later. After doing a sonogram and a few tests, the doctors confirmed Ward’s suspicions.

  “They emit mild discomfort through pregnancy,” the doctor said. “Most women don’t even feel them. You have nothing to worry about.”

  I was relieved my baby was okay.

  Ward was too, judging the relieved look on his face.

  “But you did the right thing bringing her in,” the doctor said to Ward. “You’re going to make a great father.”

  Tension filled the air.

  The doctor left the room.

  And it was more awkward.

  Ward didn’t look at me. Then he stood up and helped me off the table. “Good thing it was just a false alarm.”

  “Yeah.” I didn’t look into his eyes. I didn’t want to see his reaction.

  “If it happens again, at least you’ll know what it is. You have a long way to go so it could happen again.”

  “Yeah.” I got to my feet and instinctively held my stomach.

  “Are you going to head back to the office?” he asked. “I’m sure Sean wouldn’t mind if you went home.”

  “No, I’ll be fine,” I said automatically.

  “Are you sure?” He looked into my eyes with that unflinching gaze.

  “Yes.”

  “Okay.”

  We walked out and took a cab back to PIXEL. We were no longer affectionate like we were an hour ago. He stayed on his side of the car and I stayed on mine. It surprised me how helpful he was being. It wasn’t his responsibility to take care of me but he did it anyway.

  When we entered the building we walked down the hallway together until we reached his office. He didn’t say anything to me as he approached the threshold.

  “Ward?”

  He stopped and turned to me.

  “Thank you…for everything.” The words were hard to say and I wasn’t sure why.

  “You’re welcome,” he said quietly.

  I stared at him and wanted to say something else but couldn’t think of anything.

  He looked down at my stomach then back at me. “You’re glowing.” He stared at me for a moment before he stepped inside his office.

  His words echoed in my mind long after he said them.

  ***

  I was tuning my violin on the couch when there was a knock on the door. The last time someone came to visit me, it was Ward. Was it him again? But what reason would he have to come here?

  I immediately opened the door without checking the peephole because I assumed it was him.

  But it wasn’t.

  “Dad?”

  “Hey, Clemy.” He smiled but it didn’t seem genuine. He wore his Yankees t-shirt he’s had since I can remember and jeans. His blonde hair was still the same color as it was in my youth. My dad had fair skin, and he stayed out of the sun. He and Mom couldn’t be more different from one another.

  “Hey, Dad.” I was surprise to see him here. We hadn’t spoken since I told him the news of my bun in the oven. He wasn’t happy then and I assumed he would never be happy. “What brings you here?”

  “I was hoping we could talk.”

  “Uh, sure.” I hoped he wasn’t here just to tell me he was disappointed in me. I think he made that clear beforehand.

  “Have you eaten dinner?”

  “No.”

  “Would you like to join me?”

  “Yeah, sure.” I grabbed my purse and jacket and took a deep breath, prepared for the worst.

  ***

  After our dishes were brought to us, we ate quietly. Dad hadn’t talked about my pregnancy. We didn’t really talk about anything. It was actually fairly awkward. I’d never been uncomfortable around my own family before. But now I was.

  Dad picked at his food then cleared his throat. “I wanted to apologize for the way I reacted a few weeks ago. It was wrong and I’m sorry for that.” He gave me an apologetic look then kept eating.

  “It’s okay, Dad. I know it was a bit of a shock.”

  “But I should have been supportive. Instead, I walked out. I know that must have hurt…”

  “It did,” I admitted.

  “It’s just…” My dad never struggled to say what he was feeling. He was always good with words. But now they failed him. “You’re my little girl and you’ll always be my little girl.”

  “I know.”

  “And, I hate knowing you’re doing this alone. I’m disappointed that you put yourself in this situation. No child should ever have to grow up without a father.”

  I wish I could tell him it was Ward’s. He and I had a beautiful relationship and made something beautiful together. I didn’t just hook up with a random guy and was so sex-crazed I didn’t make him wear a condom. I knew that’s what my dad was thinking, and he thought less of me because of it. “I realize it’s not under the best circumstances but I can do it. Just because there isn’t a father in the picture doesn’t mean I can’t give this child a happy life.”

  “It’s going to be more difficult than that.”

  “I never said it would be easy.” I was irritated my dad had so little belief in me. “It will be hard. It was be difficult. But I will manage and make it through. Single mothers have done it before me and I will do it just like them.”

  “I didn’t mean to insult you,” he said quickly. “I just meant—”

  “We can talk about how difficult the circumstances are but it doesn’t change the situation. There is no father. End of story. Now let’s move on.” I didn’t mean to be rude but he was wounding me.

  He released a sigh. “I’m sorry. This isn’t how I wanted this conversation to go.”

  “And how did you want it to go?”

  He abandoned his food and set his fork down. “I’m sorry I wasn’t supportive before. But now I am. I’m here if you need anything. Your mom is more than happy to babysit when you’re at work, and if you need money—”

  “I don’t need money. Sean pays me a great salary.”

  “For one person,” he said. “But you got a second one on the way. Honey, I want to help. If there’s anything I can do, I want to do it.”

  “I appreciate that, Dad. But I honestly don’t need anything. If that changes, I’ll let you know.”

  He didn’t seem assuaged. “I really am excited to be a grandpa. I’m sorry if I made you think otherwise. Sometimes I forget you’re an adult and not my little girl anymore.”

  “I’ll always be your little girl—but in grown up form.”

  He smiled slightly. “So, the guy is really out of the picture—for good?”

  “Yes, Dad. I really don’t want to have a man in my child’s life if he doesn’t want to be there anyway. It’s better for both of us. And you forget all the people I have in my life. They are all excited to have a new edition to the family. Instead of being a time of stress and fear, it should be an exciting time. I was scared in the beginning but now I’m not. I just can’t wait until he or she gets here.”

  He nodded. “You’re right. And I feel the same.” He stared at me for a while and his blue eyes lightened noticeably. “Your mother is really excited. She already has a crib at the house.”

  “A crib?” I asked.

  “She assumes she’s going to babysit while you’re at work. Actually, let me rephrase that,” he said with a laugh. “She expects to babysit while you’re at work. If you go to anyone else she’ll be pissed.”

  I laughed
. “She would be. She’ll be a great grandma.”

  “And Cayson will be a good uncle. Every time he talks about it, he’s excited.”

  “I’m glad he’s on board. He was actually the person I was most scared of.”

  He shook his head. “Your brother is protective but he’s also reasonable. What’s been done has been done. Now we need to make the best of it. Just because we don’t know the father doesn’t make us love our new edition less. He probably won’t even notice he doesn’t have a father because he has so many other people who love him.”

  I smiled at the thought. My baby was so lucky. Most people grew up without that kind of love. My child was going to have too many people to love him. He was going to get more attention than he could handle.

  For the first time, I felt like the luckiest person in the world.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Heath

  “Roland, this has gone on long enough.”

  Like usual, he avoided eye contact and pivoted his body away from me. He was clearly dreading this and drawing it out as long as possible.

  “Conrad knows and your sister knows. It’s time.”

  Roland left the couch then walked to the windows. “Now isn’t a good time.”

  “Why not?” I demanded.

  “Clementine is having a baby. The news came out recently and everyone is focused on that. I’d rather wait for that to die down before I swoop in and give everyone a heart attack.”

  “Roland, something is always going to come up.”

  “And Trinity and Slade are getting married in less than two months. Don’t you think that’s selfish of me to drop this bomb so close to that?”

  “No one is going to be thinking about your sexuality on their wedding day,” I reasoned. “Just don’t do it the day before. In fact, now would be the best time.”

  He grew frustrated and gripped his skull. “Why is it so important for me to tell them? I told my best friend and sister. Isn’t that enough for you? I’m not hiding you anymore.”

  Would this keep happening? Would he keep avoiding it? Was it Ander all over again? “It’s not enough,” I said coldly. “I want you to be honest about who you are. You’re shutting everyone out because you’re afraid they’ll figure it out. I want your parents to accept us and recognize us as a couple that loves each other. I want them to be parents to me.”