Leave It to Psmith

by P. G. Wodehouse

  ‘It is not raining rain at all: It’s raining vio-o-lets.’

  It seemed to Lord Emsworth now that matters had gone a step farther. It was raining flower-pots.

  The customary attitude of the Earl of Emsworth towards all mundane affairs was one of vague detachment; but this phenomenon was so remarkable that he found himself stirred to quite a little flutter of excitement and interest. His brain still refused to cope with the problem of why anybody should be throwing flower-pots into his room at this hour – or, indeed, at any hour; but it seemed a good idea to go and ascertain who this peculiar person was.

  He put on his glasses and hopped out of bed and trotted to the window. And it was while he was on his way there that memory stirred in him, as some minutes ago it had stirred in the Efficient Baxter. He recalled that odd episode of a few days back, when that delightful girl, Miss What’s-her-name, had informed him that his secretary had been throwing flower-pots at that poet fellow, McTodd. He had been annoyed, he remembered, that Baxter should so far have forgotten himself. Now, he found himself more frightened than annoyed. Just as every dog is permitted one bite without having its sanity questioned, so, if you consider it in a broad-minded way, may every man be allowed to throw one flower-pot. But let the thing become a habit, and we look askance. This strange hobby of his appeared to be growing on Baxter like a drug, and Lord Emsworth did not like it at all. He had never before suspected his secretary of an unbalanced mind, but now he mused, as he tiptoed cautiously to the window, that the Baxter sort of man, the energetic restless type, was just the kind that does go offhis head. Just some such calamity as this, his lordship felt, he might have foreseen. Day in, day out, Rupert Baxter had been exercising his brain ever since he had come to the castle – and now he had gone and sprained it. Lord Emsworth peeped timidly out from behind a curtain.

  His worst fears were realised. It was Baxter, sure enough; and a tousled, wild-eyed Baxter incredibly clad in lemon-coloured pyjamas.

  ∗∗∗∗∗

  Lord Emsworth stepped back from the window. He had seen sufficient. The pyjamas had in some curious way set the copingstone on his dismay, and he was now in a condition approximating to panic. That Baxter should be so irresistibly impelled by his strange mania as actually to omit to attire himself decently before going out on one of these fiower-pot-hurling expeditions of his seemed to make it all so sad and hopeless. The dreamy peer was no poltroon, but he was past his first youth, and it came to him very forcibly that the interviewing and pacifying of secretaries who ran amok was young man’s work. He stole across the room and opened the door. It was his purpose to put this matter into the hands of an agent. And so it came about that Psmith was aroused some few minutes later from slumber by a touch on the arm and sat up to find his host’s pale face peering at him in the weird light of early morning.

  ‘My dear fellow,’ quavered Lord Emsworth.

  Psmith, like Baxter, was a light sleeper; and it was only a moment before he was wide awake and exerting himself to do the courtesies.

  ‘Good morning,’ he said pleasantly. ‘Will you take a seat.’

  ‘I am extremely sorry to be obliged to wake you, my dear fellow,’ said his lordship, ‘but the fact of the matter is, my secretary, Baxter, has gone off his head.’

  ‘Much?’ inquired Psmith, interested.

  ‘He is out in the garden in his pyjamas, throwing flower-pots through my window.’

  ‘Flower-pots?’

  ‘Flower-pots!’

  ‘Oh, flower-pots!’ said Psmith, frowning thoughtfully, as if he had expected it would be something else. ‘And what steps are you proposing to take? That is to say,’ he went on, ‘unless you wish him to continue throwing flower-pots.’

  ‘My dear fellow . . . !’

  ‘Some people like it,’ explained Psmith. ‘But you do not? Quite so, quite so. I understand perfectly. We all have our likes and dislikes. Well, what would you suggest?’

  ‘I was hoping that you might consent to go down – er – having possibly armed yourself with a good stout stick – and induce him to desist and return to bed.’

  ‘A sound suggestion in which I can see no flaw,’ said Psmith approvingly. ‘If you will make yourself at home in here – pardon me for issuing invitations to you in your own house – I will see what can be done. I have always found Comrade Baxter a reasonable man, ready to welcome suggestions from outside sources, and I have no doubt that we shall easily be able to reach some arrangement.’

  He got out of bed, and, having put on his slippers, and his monocle, paused before the mirror to brush his hair.

  ‘For,’ he explained, ‘one must be natty when entering the presence of a Baxter.’

  He went to the closet and took from among a number of hats a neat Homburg. Then, having selected from a bowl of flowers on the mantelpiece a simple white rose, he pinned it in the coat of his pyjama-suit and announced himself ready.

  § 5

  The sudden freshet of vicious energy which had spurred the Efficient Baxter on to his recent exhibition of marksmanship had not lasted. Lethargy was creeping back on him even as he stooped to pick up the flower-pot which had found its billet on Lord Emsworth’s spine. And, as he stood there after hurling that final missile, he had realised that that was his last shot. If that produced no results, he was finished.

  And, as far as he could gather, it had produced no results whatever. No head had popped inquiringly out of the window. No sound of anybody stirring had reached his ears. The place was as still as if he had been throwing marsh-mallows. A weary sigh escaped from Baxter’s lips. And a moment later he was reclining on the ground with his head propped against the terrace wall, a beaten man.

  His eyes closed. Sleep, which he had been denying to himself for so long, would be denied no more. When Psmith arrived, daintily swinging the Hon. Freddie Threepwood’s niblick like a clouded cane, he had just begun to snore.

  ∗∗∗∗∗

  Psmith was a kindly soul. He did not like Rupert Baxter, but that was no reason why he should allow him to continue lying on turf wet with the morning dew, thus courting lumbago and sciatica. He prodded Baxter in the stomach with the niblick, and the secretary sat up, blinking. And with returning consciousness came a burning sense of grievance.

  ‘Well, you’ve been long enough,’ he growled. Then, as he rubbed his red-rimmed eyes and was able to see more clearly, he perceived who it was that had come to his rescue. The spectacle of Psmith of all people beaming benignly down at him was an added offence. ‘Oh, it’s you?’ he said morosely.

  ‘I in person,’ said Psmith genially. ‘Awake, beloved! Awake, for morning in the bowl of night has flung the stone that puts the stars to flight; and lo! the hunter of the East has caught the Sultan’s turret in a noose of light. The Sultan himself,’ he added, ‘you will find behind yonder window, speculating idly on your motives for bunging flower-pots at him. Why, if I may venture the question, did you?’

  Baxter was in no confiding mood. Without replying, he rose to his feet and started to trudge wearily along the terrace to the front door. Psmith fell into step beside him.

  ‘If I were you,’ said Psmith, ‘and I offer the suggestion in the most cordial spirit of goodwill, I would use every effort to prevent this passion for flinging flower-pots from growing upon me. I know you will say that you can take it or leave it alone; that just one more pot won’t hurt you; but can you stop at one? Isn’t it just that first insidious flower-pot that does all the mischief? Be a man, Comrade Baxter!’ He laid his hand appealingly on the secretary’s shoulder. ‘The next time the craving comes on you, fight it. Fight it! Are you, the heir of the ages, going to become a slave to a habit? Tush! You know and I know that there is better stuff in you than that. Use your will-power, man, use your will-power.’

  Whatever reply Baxter might have intended to make to this powerful harangue – and his attitude as he turned on his companion suggested that he had much to say – was checked by a voice from above.

&
nbsp; ‘Baxter! My dear fellow!’

  The Earl of Emsworth, having observed the secretary’s awakening from the safe observation-post of Psmith’s bedroom, and having noted that he seemed to be exhibiting no signs of violence, had decided to make his presence known. His panic had passed, and he wanted to go into first causes.

  Baxter gazed wanly up at the window.

  ‘I can explain everything, Lord Emsworth.’

  ‘What?’ said his lordship, leaning farther out.

  ‘I can explain everything,’ bellowed Baxter.

  ‘It turns out after all,’ said Psmith pleasantly, ‘to be very simple. He was practising for the Jerking the Geranium event at the next Olympic Games.’

  Lord Emsworth adjusted his glasses.

  ‘Your face is dirty,’ he said, peering down at his dishevelled secretary. ‘Baxter, my dear fellow, your face is dirty.’

  ‘I was digging,’ replied Baxter sullenly.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Digging!’

  ‘The terrier complex,’ explained Psmith. ‘What,’ he asked kindly, turning to his companion, ‘were you digging for? Forgive me if the question seems an impertinent one, but we are naturally curious.’

  Baxter hesitated.

  ‘What were you digging for?’ asked Lord Emsworth.

  ‘You see,’ said Psmith. ‘He wants to know.’

  Not for the first time since they had become associated, a mad feeling of irritation at his employer’s woolly persistence flared up in Rupert Baxter’s bosom. The old ass was always pottering about asking questions. Fury and want of sleep combined to dull the secretary’s normal prudence. Dimly he realised that he was imparting Psmith, the scoundrel who he was convinced was the ringleader of last night’s outrage, valuable information; but anything was better than to have to stand here shouting up at Lord Emsworth. He wanted to get it over and go to bed.

  ‘I thought Lady Constance’s necklace was in one of the flower-pots,’ he shrilled.

  ‘What?’

  The secretary’s powers of endurance gave out. This maddening inquisition, coming on top of the restless night he had had, was too much for him. With a low moan he made one agonised leap for the front door and passed through it to where beyond these voices there was peace.

  Psmith, deprived thus abruptly of his stimulating society, remained for some moments standing near the front door, drinking in with grave approval the fresh scents of the summer morning. It was many years since he had been up and about as early as this, and he had forgotten how delightful the first beginnings of a July day can be. Unlike Baxter, on whose self-centred soul these things had been lost, he revelled in the soft breezes, the singing birds, the growing pinkness of the eastern sky. He awoke at length from his reverie to find that Lord Emsworth had toddled down and was tapping him on the arm.

  ‘What did he say?’ inquired his lordship. He was feeling like a man who has been cut offin the midst of an absorbing telephone conversation.

  ‘Say?’ said Psmith. ‘Oh, Comrade Baxter? Now, let me think. What did he say?’

  ‘Something about something being in a flower-pot,’ prompted his lordship.

  ‘Ah, yes. He said he thought that Lady Constance’s necklace was in one of the flower-pots.’

  ‘What!’

  Lord Emsworth, it should be mentioned, was not completely in touch with recent happenings in his home. His habit of going early to bed had caused him to miss the sensational events in the drawing-room: and, as he was a sound sleeper, the subsequent screams – or, as Stokes the footman would have said, shrieks – had not disturbed him. He stared at Psmith, aghast. For a while the apparent placidity of Baxter had lulled his first suspicions, but now they returned with renewed force.

  ‘Baxter thought my sister’s necklace was in a flower-pot?’ he gasped.

  ‘So I understood him to say.’

  ‘But why should my sister keep her necklace in a flower-pot?’

  ‘Ah, there you take me into deep waters.’

  ‘The man’s mad,’ cried Lord Emsworth, his last doubts removed. ‘Stark, staring mad! I thought so before, and now I’m convinced of it.’

  His lordship was no novice in the symptoms of insanity. Several of his best friends were residing in those palatial establishments set in pleasant parks and surrounded by high walls with broken bottles on them, to which the wealthy and aristocratic are wont to retire when the strain of modern life becomes too great. And one of his uncles by marriage, who believed that he was a loaf of bread, had made his first public statement on the matter in the smoking-room of this very castle. What Lord Emsworth did not know about lunatics was not worth knowing.

  ‘I must get rid of him,’ he said. And at the thought the fair morning seemed to Lord Emsworth to take on a sudden new beauty. Many a time had he toyed wistfully with the idea of dismissing his efficient but tyrannical secretary, but never before had that sickeningly competent young man given him any reasonable cause to act. Hitherto, moreover, he had feared his sister’s wrath should he take the plunge. But now . . . Surely even Connie, pig-headed as she was, could not blame him for dispensing with the services of a secretary who thought she kept her necklaces in flower-pots, and went out into the garden in the early dawn to hurl them at his bedroom window.

  His demeanour took on a sudden buoyancy. He hummed a gay air.

  ‘Get rid of him,’ he murmured, rolling the blessed words round his tongue. He patted Psmith genially on the shoulder. ‘Well, my dear fellow,’ he said, ‘I suppose we had better be getting back to bed and seeing if we can’t get a little sleep.’

  Psmith gave a little start. He had been somewhat deeply immersed in thought.

  ‘Do not,’ he said courteously, ‘let me keep you from the hay if you wish to retire. To me – you know what we poets are – this lovely morning has brought inspiration. I think I will push off to my little nook in the woods, and write a poem about something.’

  He accompanied his host up the silent stairs, and they parted with mutual good will at their respective doors. Psmith, having cleared his brain with a hurried cold bath, began to dress.

  As a rule, the donning of his clothes was a solemn ceremony over which he dwelt lovingly; but this morning he abandoned his customary leisurely habit. He climbed into his trousers with animation, and lingered but a moment over the tying of his tie. He was convinced that there was that before him which would pay for haste.

  Nothing in this world is sadder than the frequency with which we suspect our fellows without just cause. In the happenings of the night before, Psmith had seen the hand of Edward Cootes. Edward Cootes, he considered, had been indulging in what – in another – he would certainly have described as funny business. Like Miss Simmons, Psmith had quickly arrived at the conclusion that the necklace had been thrown out of the drawing-room window by one of those who made up the audience at his reading: and it was his firm belief that it had been picked up and hidden by Mr Cootes. He had been trying to think ever since where that persevering man could have concealed it, and Baxter had provided the clue. But Psmith saw clearer than Baxter. The secretary, having disembowelled fifteen flower-pots and found nothing, had abandoned his theory. Psmith went further, and suspected the existence of a sixteenth. And he proposed as soon as he was dressed to sally downstairs in search of it.

  He put on his shoes, and left the room, buttoning his waistcoat as he went.

  § 6

  The hands of the clock over the stables were pointing to half-past five when Eve Halliday, tiptoeing furtively, made another descent of the stairs. Her feelings as she went were very different from those which had caused her to jump at every sound when she had started on this same journey three hours earlier. Then, she had been a prowler in the darkness and, as such, a fitting object of suspicion: now, if she happened to run into anybody, she was merely a girl who, unable to sleep, had risen early to take a stroll in the garden. It was a distinction that made all the difference.

  Moreover, it covered the facts. She had
not been able to sleep – except for an hour when she had dozed off in a chair by her window; and she certainly proposed to take a stroll in the garden. It was her intention to recover the necklace from the place where she had deposited it, and bury it somewhere where no one could possibly find it. There it could lie until she had a chance of meeting and talking to Mr Keeble, and ascertaining what was the next step he wished taken.

  Two reasons had led Eve, after making her panic dash back into the house after lurking in the bushes while Baxter patrolled the terrace, to leave her precious flower-pot on the still of the window beside the front door. She had read in stories of sensation that for purposes of concealment the most open place is the best place: and, secondly, the nearer the front door she put the flower-pot, the less distance would she have to carry it when the time came for its removal. In the present excited condition of the household, with every guest an amateur detective, the spectacle of a girl tripping downstairs with a flower-pot in her arms would excite remark.

  Eve felt exhilarated. She was not used to getting only one hour’s sleep in the course of a night, but excitement and the reflection that she had played a difficult game and won it against odds bore her up so strongly that she was not conscious of fatigue: and so uplifted did she feel that as she reached the landing above the hall she abandoned her cautious mode of progress and ran down the remaining stairs. She had the sensation of being in the last few yards of a winning race.