The Warlock Queen: Book 13 of the Grey Wolves Series

by Quinn Loftis

  Lilly was losing it. She was abso-freaking-losing it, and there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it. No matter how many times she told herself she was being irrational, the thoughts she’d formulated in her mind didn’t change. The thoughts made complete sense to her because, well, to her, they were real. And she really had no experience with which to deal with these newfound hallucinations, as she’d always been fairly mentally healthy. She’d had mild depression before, but nothing that compared to this.

  Lilly hadn’t left her room in days. Food had been brought to her, but she’d requested it be left at the door. She’d only stepped out to get it when she knew the servant delivering it had gone. Gerick had come multiple times to check on her, but she always sent him away, assuring him she merely needed time alone.

  The sprite queen had even come. The woman had simply walked right into Lilly’s room, uninvited. Stupid, powerful sprite. Before she’d left, Lilly had asked Andora to ward the room so that no one, not even a high fae, could pop in on her. The queen must have seen the desperation in her eyes because she’d acquiesced without question. Not two hours later, Peri had been pounding on her door, threatening to blow it up if Lilly didn’t open it. She hadn’t. The fae left, which made Lilly more worried than if she had broken the door down.

  Now, the phone was staring at her, judging her, accusing her. What kind of mother doesn’t call her child in a time like this, if nothing but to simply reassure her offspring that she’s not going to throw herself off a cliff? Perhaps she couldn’t call her daughter and tell her this because it wasn’t true. Maybe losing Cypher was punishment for being with one of the Great Luna’s wolves who had belonged to another. Maybe it was punishment for a multitude of other sins. Or maybe this was just how her life was supposed to go. She was just destined to be heartbroken and alone.

  “DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF?” She yelled at the empty room. “PULL IT TOGETHER, LILLY PIERCE.” It wasn’t the first time she’d screamed at herself for having a ridiculous pity party. It didn’t help. She only cried more. If she were honest with herself, Lilly would admit she just wanted a reason. She wanted to know why it had to be him. Why Cypher? He was the freaking king of a race that desperately needed his knowledge and wisdom. What good did it do to take him?

  But no answer came. The Great Luna hadn’t made an appearance. There’d been no dreams containing wisdom and encouragement. There’d been only memories, pain, regret, fears, and more tears. That left her with only one conclusion: punishment. Everyone had to answer for their wrongdoings. And Lilly was answering for hers. How was she supposed to face her daughter with that hanging over her head?

  She jumped when there was a knock on her door, and then a deep voice called out, “Lilly?”

  Her brow furrowed. That sounded like… “Dillon?” Mother of warlocks, was she hallucinating about her ex now? Was there no end to her depravity? It wasn’t enough to sleep with the man knowing he had a soul mate, now she had to bring him into her delusions.

  “Lilly?” This was a feminine voice she didn’t recognize. “It’s Tanya. Can we come in?”

  And there it is. Her delusion was bringing what she needed. She needed the woman she’d wronged to come and make things right by beating the shit out of her. It was the only logical course of action. Lilly had no doubt she would beat the shit out of the woman Cypher was currently with—lounging on some perfect afterlife beach sipping a perfect freaking martini, no doubt wearing a perfect damn bikini. And now she was Dr.-flipping-Seuss with the rhymes.

  “Open the door, queenie,” Peri’s voice joined the group. “This is an intervention.”

  “What the…” Lilly said under her breath, her confusion complete. Why would Peri be in her delusion? Well, it wouldn’t be farfetched for the fae to bring a bag of popcorn to watch the soap opera that was about to unfold. “Why the hell not?” Lilly said as she walked over to the door, turned the lock, and pulled it open. She had no idea what she looked like to her visitors. She’d covered the mirrors. She hadn’t cared to know what crazy looked like. Based on the wide eyes staring back at her, it was pretty damn bad.

  “Can we come in?” Tanya, the small, beautiful woman who wasn’t having a psychotic break, asked.

  “I’ve been waiting on you,” Lilly said, as she stood back and motioned for them to enter. She glanced down at her clothes and was happy to see she was at least wearing pants—old jeans with holes in the knees. She also wore a shirt, not exactly clean, but at least vomit free.

  “You have?” Peri asked.

  “Yep,” Lilly nodded. “I know I have to pay for what I’ve done. I’ve already lost Cypher. So, this is the next step, facing the woman I scorned, facing the man I fornicated with. Dealing with—”

  “It’s worse than I thought,” Peri said, cutting her off. She held out her hand, and the phone that had been in Lilly’s palm flew toward the high fae, who deftly plucked it out of the air.

  “Hey! I was going to call Jacque,” she snapped.

  “Not in this state you’re not. You’d give her a complex.”

  “I may be having my own complex, but it’s not like they’re contagious,” Lilly grumbled as she slammed the door closed.

  “Actually,” Peri said coolly, “when your daughter is already in quite a state of alarm herself, hearing her mother say she had to pay penance for fornicating with her father might actually make her crazy, too. Let’s not find out.”

  Lilly stared blankly at Peri who simply stared back. When Lilly could no longer take the cool glare of the fae, she turned to face Dillon and Tanya. She felt relief as she saw no jealousy in the female alpha’s eyes. Despite the dreams and memories she’d been having of Dillon, the emotions that had once been there were long gone.

  Lilly looked at Tanya and only saw pain in her eyes. “You’re not here to accuse me or yell at me, are you?”

  Tanya’s brow furrowed. “No, Lilly. I have never felt any ill will toward you.”

  “But he was yours. Even before you were born, the Great Luna destined him for you.” Why was she building a case for the woman who currently didn’t seem to want to rip her head off? Did Lilly subconsciously want the woman to attack her? Probably. Hell, she had invented an afterlife lover for her dead mate. At this point she didn’t think she could surprise herself by anything she said or did.

  “Yes. But he met you at a time in his life when he needed you. And for that, I will be forever grateful to you.” Tanya was being genuine. There was no deception in her voice or eyes. Neither could Lilly detect any condescension.

  The warlock queen tilted her head as she looked at Dillon. He must have recognized the confusion on her face. His lips turned up in a small smile. “My mate is a conundrum, Lilly. There’s no doubt about that.”

  “And what about Jacque?” Lilly challenged as she looked back at Tanya. Surely, this woman couldn’t be as kosher about her true mate having a child with another woman, even if it was before they had met.

  “I’m thankful you could give him a daughter. I can’t have children, Lilly. You blessed him, us really, with something I will never be able to,” Tanya told her. “The Great Luna doesn’t make mistakes. Jacque was meant to be yours and Dillon’s. And I would not be so cruel as to wish that away from either of you. Not when I have wished for a child of my own so badly.”

  Lilly felt the breath whoosh out of her as she stared at the blonde she-wolf. As far as having an ex’s significant other to deal with when you share a child, Tanya was a gift. So, if they weren’t here to make her pay for her sins, then were they still a delusion? Had her mind somehow turned this into some warm and fuzzy thing so she didn’t feel so guilty?

  “Bloody hell, woman,” Peri yelled. “This isn’t a damn delusion.”

  Lilly frowned. Had she said that out loud?

  “Yes. You’re talking out loud without even knowing it. I hadn’t realized your crazy had jumped into complete lunacy. We are really here. Tanya is really as selfless as a damn saint, and Dillon is checking on you
because your daughter is worried sick about you. But she knows that if she and Fane come here, it could look as if they’re using their position to get access to the new warlock queen.”

  Lilly blinked several times as she let the high fae’s words sink in. “You’re really here?”

  Peri walked over to Lilly and slapped her, hard, across the face. Lilly heard a gasp that wasn’t her own. It must have come from St. Tanya, and then a curse followed from Dillon. “Does that feel like a hallucination?”

  Lilly felt the energy building inside of her, energy that she’d heretofore been able to keep under tight control. The electricity that seemed to like to dance across her skin flickered between her fingertips.

  Peri glanced down at Lilly’s hands and smiled. “Queenie has some new tricks. Don’t try them on me, or I’ll fry your cute ass. But it’s good to see you haven’t completely lost your backbone. You’re going to need it.”

  “Lilly,” Dillon said, nudging Peri out of the way. Tanya stood beside him, his hand wrapped tightly around her smaller one. “No one can put themselves in your shoes. You’ve not only lost your mate but you’ve taken on the role of leader of an entire supernatural race. That’s a lot. And it would be a lot for any one of us. It’s okay to freak out.”

  “Freaking out, yes,” Peri said from over his shoulder, “but walking around like she’s high on mushrooms? That’s a solid not okay.”

  “Peri,” Tanya said. “Maybe less pointing out that she’s having some mental issues and more encouraging her that we’re here to help?”

  Peri sighed. “If I’m going to have to be around you more, Tanya, you’re going to have to be much less sweet. We already have one of you. She’s called Sally, and she’s as sweet as an easter marshmallow. Sweet gets people kidnapped, killed, or worse.”

  Tanya didn’t seem bothered by Peri’s words. She ignored them and turned back to Lilly. “Is there anything at all that we can do to help?”

  “You really don’t hate me, do you?” Lilly asked, completely dumbfounded. Based on the couple of times she’d seen Tanya, Lilly believed the woman was just really good at hiding her feelings. But in truth, Dillon’s mate simply wasn’t holding a grudge.

  “I don’t,” Tanya replied. “One of the great things about the true mate bond is that lies cannot be easily hidden. I know what he felt for you before, and I know what he feels for you now. He cares for you, but as a friend and as the mother of his child. Which he should feel. He’d be an ass if he didn’t. But he loves me as a mate, and I don’t doubt that.”

  Tanya’s statement was like a spring of cool water to Lilly on a hot day. The guilt she’d been feeling over her relationship with Dillon began to dissipate, and now she felt foolish for ever being ashamed. She’d never felt guilty before because their relationship had given her Jacque, and she could never bring herself to regret her daughter.

  “For what it’s worth,” Tanya continued, “I am so very sorry for your loss. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, let alone the mother of my mate’s child. And you have our complete support—the Colorado pack, I mean. We will stand with the warlocks.”

  Lilly glanced up at Dillon, who gave a single nod in agreement with his mate. “Jacque’s called me several times. She really needs to hear from you, to know that you’re okay. I’m not trying to tell you how to be a mom, or telling you you're a bad mom,” he quickly added. Lilly nearly laughed. Someone had coached him on what to say and what not to say to a mother.

  “Thank you,” she said and sincerely meant it.

  “Okay,” Peri sang, “I think that’s enough bonding for the three of you. I need to speak with the queen alone.” Her voice deepened on that last word. “Seems there’s been a little sprite casting wards that keep friends out.” Peri clucked her tongue. “That’s not nice, queenie.”

  “Nor is it nice to continually ‘pop in’”—she made air quotes around the words—“to someone’s bedroom, uninvited,” she countered.

  The fae rolled her eyes. “I go where I’m needed. What can I say? Someone as busy as me can’t be bothered with calling ahead and scheduling a meeting with your secretary.”

  “Peri,” Dillon started, but Lilly shook her head at him.

  He sighed and then gave her a small smile. “As my mate said, if you need anything, we’re here.”

  Lilly took a deep breath and stood a little taller. “Thank you. I appreciate the Colorado pack’s support.”

  Before Tanya or Dillon could respond, Peri grabbed the backs of their shirts and flashed. A second later, she was back. Peri looked around the room. “Huh, so once invited, the ward doesn’t keep you out. That’s a little less irritating. But still irritating nonetheless.”

  “Peri,” Lilly started, but the fae held up her hand. Lilly snapped her lips closed like a chastised child.

  “Why didn’t you let someone know it had gotten this bad?” Peri asked after several minutes of silence. “There is no shame in grief, Lilly. There is no shame in admitting you can’t hold your shit together when you’ve lost the other half of your soul. A Canis lupus, if he’d lost his mate before bonding, would be a raging, feral beast right now in your shoes. And no one would think him a crazy lunatic.”

  “When I lost Dillon I didn—”

  “Dillon wasn’t your soul mate!” Peri snapped. “Dillon was a male you fell in love with, but he was not the lover of your soul. There is a profound difference.”

  Those words hit Lilly so hard she took a step back to catch her balance. Lover of her soul? That’s exactly what Cypher was. He not only completed her, but he nurtured her—every part of her. His presence was never a burden; it was always welcome. A single touch from him could settle her nerves in an instant. He was a balm to her wounds, a cool drink of water on the hottest day, a warm blanket around her on the coldest nights.

  “Ho-o-w,” Lilly stuttered, “am I, su-u-p-posed to get through this, Peri?” Lilly clutched at the place over her heart and wished she could just dig her nails in and force the damn thing to stop beating. “How would you live without Lucian?”

  Peri’s eyes fixed on Lilly’s. “I wouldn’t.” The high fae walked toward her and then grabbed Lilly’s shoulders and pulled her up until she was standing straight. “But I am not the queen of a race that needs me. You, on the other hand, have no choice. The Great Luna has made you of stronger stuff. You must keep going. I’m giving you two more days. You can kick, scream, yell, destroy this room more, drink until you can’t stand, or do whatever it is you need to in order to deal with the anger and grief, but then it’s done. You have to prepare yourself to defend your position. I already know at least one warlock has his eyes on your throne.”

  Lilly looked at her sideways.

  Peri nodded. “I’ve got some of my little pixies doing what they do best—gathering intel—and the reports are not good. In the two days since your guests left, Lysander has gathered supporters. You’ve lost the luxury of having a true period of grieving. Now, you must be a queen without her king at her side. And you have to be the best damn queen the warlocks have ever seen.”

  Lilly fought back the urge to vomit.

  “Lilly, look at me,” Peri’s stern voice caused her to raise her eyes back to the fae’s. “Once upon a time, you found out you were going to be a mother, and the man that was supposed to share that joy with you was gone the same day. You could have fallen apart then and become a bitter woman who resented the child of that union. But you didn’t. You blossomed in the face of loss, and you raised an amazing young woman. If you think being a queen and having a group of people looking to you for leadership is any different than being a parent, you’re in for a rude awakening. Instead of wiping their butts, they will expect you to make sure no one attacks them, settle their petty disputes, and somehow give them supernatural world peace all at the same time.”

  “You were doing pretty good there for a minute, but your pep talk is taking a nosedive,” Lilly said dryly.

  “Lilly, if you can be a single mom a
nd raise a child that turned out as good as Jacque, then you can do this with your eyes closed and your hands tied behind your back. And this time you’re not alone. You’ve got us. You’ve got a pack. It’s time to step out of the tower you’ve put yourself in and pick up where your mate left off. It’s time to start living again because the battles are coming. They aren’t going to wait for you to be ready.”

  Lilly stood there staring at the woman who, though she could be an abrasive ass, had become a close friend. She hesitated, afraid to be completely honest with the fae. But she knew Peri was right. And if she didn’t open up to someone, she had no chance of leading the warlocks. It was humiliating, but Lilly had no choice.

  “I’ve been having hallucinations … about Cypher,” she said quickly. “The first one was two nights ago during the feast. He was in the room, standing across the hall from me. Then, when I came back to our room, he was here waiting for me. He talked to me. He held me. He was real, Peri. I could feel him.” She swallowed hard. “I can’t decide if what’s happening is a blessing or a curse. He comes every night. He holds me and talks to me. When I wake up from nightmares, he’s there, wiping my brow and pressing kisses to my heated skin.

  “Part of me wants it to stop, and part of me is terrified it will, and I will never see him again. How the hell am I supposed to move on? How do I begin to heal when the wound is re-opened every single night?”