Pride House: The Quest for Vainglory

by Rob Summers

Chapter 33 Selfishness and Worry

  Sadly, Honesty’s penchant for eavesdropping did not end with her resurrection and renaming. In fact, her new found vigor made it possible for her to snoop more constantly and alertly than ever. So she made it her business in Grace House to keep an eye on everyone else’s business, down to the smallest child.

  The difference was that she was now a mere snoop and not a conniver. When she no longer feared losing her (now lowly) position in the house, when knowing everyone’s business ceased to be a matter of survival and became a game, Honesty kept no more secrets.

  Had you lost your gardening gloves? Ask Honesty. She would tell you which of the children’s rooms they had been carried off to. Were you forgetting it was your turn to wash up after a meal? Honesty would remind you. Did you wish to have your character analyzed? You did not? Honesty would nevertheless tell you exactly what she had overheard Truth saying about you, and as often as not she would laugh as she told.

  The other residents did not always welcome her comments heartily, but they appreciated her. They recognized that she performed an important function in the household, mirroring back to them their true selves in such a way as to suggest a thousand little adjustments that made them more considerate of one another. Furthermore, her often unexpected observations, though not rising quite to the level of jokes, were good for some self-conscious laughter. She brought that sort of merriment that makes for wisdom.

  Her words would have been less bearable if they had contained any tinge of judgment, but they did not. Rebukes and sarcasms, seemingly malicious, continued to pour from her mouth, but they were no longer like a torrid storm, rather a cleansing wind. And if some bluntness of hers was taken the wrong way, if someone’s feelings were hurt, she sometimes tried clumsily to make amends by explaining her meaning in such a way as to both deepen the insult and win amused forgiveness.

  As a servant, Honesty took her work assignments from Humility, who was always suspecting something amiss in the house and detailing her to investigate. One of her main assignments was to keep an eye on Worry.

  Honesty noted that Worry’s only regular visitor was also the only other frequenter of Grace House who did not hold Heavenly citizenship, and that was Mr. Selfishness. He came to the house every day, just as he had before the confiscation, often bringing with him packages of Worry’s special health foods; and He spent many hours in her room.

  Even without Humility’s encouragement, Honesty would have been dying to find out what these two were saying to each other. But she could never catch a word, either by listening at the door or at the adjoining heating ducts. She toyed with a scheme involving the purchase of a voice-activated microphone, but because Worry never left her room, she knew she would never have a chance to plant the bug.

  One day the little boy Self Control entered his bedroom and discovered Miss Honesty on her hands and knees over the heating duct, listening intently. When she saw him she smiled and rose.

  “Your room is above Worry’s,” she said, “so I was hoping I could hear what she’s saying to Selfishness.”

  “No, I’ve tried it,” he said with a child’s certainty about such things.

  She nodded and made a face. “Your father wants me to find out what they’re up to, but it’s so frustrating. Worry seems to have things her own way almost as much as before you came. That room is a kingdom to itself.” She pondered the boy. “Maybe you children have found some way? Do you eavesdrop on her?”

  He grabbed up a paperback copy of Treasure Island from the floor and flopped in a chair. “No, the walls are too thick. But you could just go in there.”

  “You mean just walk in on them?” She smiled.

  “Sure. They won’t say what they were gonna, but it’s better than nothing, isn’t it? Us kids go in. Once I ran in there when we were playing hide and seek. She always yells. Patience likes to stick his head in and say something smart just to make her yell.”

  “But what about the locks?”

  “Dad won’t let her have them anymore. Joy took the whole bunch of them off right after we came.”

  She patted him on the shoulder. “You’ve just made my day. The next time I’m out, I’ll buy you a Captain Ether action figure.”

  “You will? Hey, thanks!”

  She ran down the stairs and, after turning off the hallway lights, paused before Worry’s door. With the skill and nervelessness of long practice she silently turned the knob until she more felt than heard a faint click. Then she eased the door open smoothly and slowly until a little of the interior became visible. She was pleased to discover that the door was in a shadowy part of the windowless room, and because she had darkened the hallway, she let in no light that would attract attention within. Soundlessly, she slipped her tiny body sideways through the narrow opening.

  She discovered Worry and Selfishness both turned from her in their chairs, seated close by a little lamp like winter campers by an insufficient fire. Worry was speaking.

  “Yes, Mr. Selfishness, I’ll tell him. But I have my own little ways, you know. I’ll just write him a note, if you’ll slip it under his door as you’ve done before.”

  “Perfect,” said Selfishness. “And do call me Selfishness, won’t you? No need to be formal. I like to think that you and I have become closer than that.”

  “Close, Mr. Selfishness? —I mean, Selfishness. Why, I suppose we do have a friendship.”

  “Oh, more than that,” he said, “more than that.”

  They were sitting close together. With hesitancy they now looked into each other’s eyes with porcine ardor. Honesty barely suppressed her laughter.

  “Will you write the note now?” said Selfishness with great intensity.

  “I’ll get my stationery,” said Worry breathlessly. She pulled out a paper and pen from a nearby drawer. “Now—let me see—‘Dear Mr. Pride’—”

  “Your handwriting is so elegant,” commented Selfishness, leaning near. “I could never write like that.”

  “Um, ‘Mr. Pride, I must tell you’—inform you?”

  “Inform you.”

  “Inform—‘that you are losing an excellent chance of regaining the attentions of Miss Vainglory.’”

  “Well put.”

  “Not at all, Selfishness. My style is style-less. ‘You are free to leave the house now. Every day that goes by is a day gone by.’”

  “Poetry!” Selfishness exclaimed.

  “‘However, your connections with that foreign family will—’ How do I put it?”

  “Go right ahead. You have the flair for it.”

  “Well, um, ‘will sink your hopes. Unless—’ Uh. ‘—unless you break’—sever?—‘sever them—sever them off.’ And I’m adding, ‘I only want what’s best for you. Worry.’”

  As she put the pen down, Selfishness took her by the hand. “Mr. Power will be so pleased,” he said. “You are rendering a great service to your country by helping him like this, risking all within enemy territory. You are so brave, dear.”

  “You’re mistaken, I’m not one to take risks,” said Worry. “But if Mr. Power wants me to do something, I’ll do it.”

  “Well, he’s quite pleased with the other notes you’ve written to Pride, and he’ll continue to add the sum I mentioned to your bank account regularly at the start of each week.”

  “Is Power paying you?” Worry asked abruptly.

  “Well, yes, dear. I showed you my identification card that proves I’m his special representative. Of course, that’s strictly a secret between us. Power doesn’t want all of his employees to be publicly known, especially in a delicate case like this. His people made that clear when they first approached me last month. So not a word?”

  “Mum,” she agreed.

  “But enough of that,” said Selfishness. “Let’s talk about us, about our relationship.”

  “Nonsense,” said Worry, turning away and releasing his hand. “Yo
u’re still in love with that Miss Enjoyment, I know. What can you see in me compared to her pretty face?”

  “No, Worry, it’s been years! I never see her anymore, not since Pride’s wedding. You’ve made me forget her.” He gently won back her hand. “And when this house is returned to Pride’s parents, Mr. Power says I’ll be retained by them to manage the place. With a firm position at last, I can begin to think about our future—together.”

  “Then you’ve really turned your back on Enjoyment?”

  “Forever. I want you by my side, Worry. Together we could return this house to its former glory.”

  During the latter part of this tete-a-tete, Honesty had been slipping closer and closer to the speakers. Now she suddenly pounced upon the little note and held it up in triumph.

  “This,” she said, “will be read aloud at the dinner table this evening, and I’ll also tell them that you’re both in the pay of Mr. Power.”

  “Doubt!” Worry said. “You should have knocked! This is what comes of not being allowed locks.”

  “I never knocked when my name was Doubt,” said Honesty. “And as for you, if you believe this man’s promises, you’re an imbecile. Or didn’t you know that Enjoyment is coming back to live here again? He knows, you can be sure of that.”

  Worry turned to Selfishness with hurt, accusing eyes. “What? Is it true?”

  “He’s not saying anything,” said Honesty, “because he was at dinner last week when Enjoyment and Calm were visiting and Reason announced it to everyone. They’re coming back to help with the wedding and to stay. Of course, he’s not the sort to commit himself to either one of you, but if he gets control of the place, he’d love to have Enjoyment in the house. You should have heard him wheedling her that night at the dinner table.”

  Selfishness’ face reddened. “Don’t you listen to her, she’s one of them. Always trying to put the wrong face on things, twist things. So what if Enjoyment plans to move back in? Why should I mention it to you? As a matter of fact, it slipped my mind. It just proves what I said, that I don’t care for her anymore.”

  Honesty leaned close to baffled Worry and grinned. “Do believe him, Worry, won’t you? Confirm my opinion of your intelligence. But while you’re thinking it over, I’ll just go show this note to Mr. Humility.”

  She turned at the door. “Oh, cheer up, Selfishness! I’m sure you have an excellent chance of winning back Enjoyment after you robbed and jilted her in the same day. And Worry, if he proposes marriage, make sure there are witnesses. Bye-bye.”

  “Close the door,” Worry yelled. “It’s drafty.”

  Honesty laughed and swept out, leaving the door open.