Her Christmas Cowboy

by Jessica Clare

  “Right. At your little job. Does it feed your soul? Are you making a difference in the world with teaching nose-picking kindergartners how to say their ABCs? Real world-changing shit there, Amy. Making a real damn difference.” He pointed at the door. “Come on. Let’s go inside. I’m cold.”

  Crushed, she hopped to get her keys out, hating that she was jumping to please him even as she did it. “I like my job.”

  “Oh, I’m sure you do. I’m sure it’s gratifying to your ego. You desperately need it stroked. You always have.”

  She fumbled with the keys at the lock, her mind racing. She needed to get inside, get away from him. She needed to shut the door on her old life. Her hands trembled as she unlocked the door. Why was he here? Why wouldn’t he just let her be? They were divorced. She didn’t want anything to do with him. What did he want from her? She opened the door and was met immediately by a tail-wagging Donner.

  “A dog, too? You don’t like animals.” He seemed surprised, pushing his way forward before she could stop him.

  “I like this one,” she whispered. “What are you doing here, Blake?”

  Blake walked into her house like he owned the place, eyeing her sparse furnishings and her cluttered Christmas tree with a look of distaste. She knew what he was thinking. Back at their house, the decorator had handled all the holiday decor. The designer had put together beautiful trees to rival anything in a department store, but Amy liked her new one, made with love and a lot of laughter. She thought of the nights she and Caleb had spent laughing over the archaic, seventies-inspired garlands she’d pulled from the estate-sale box. She thought of how hard he’d worked to get her power working when the tree shorted it out.

  She thought of his smile.

  God, she’d give anything for Caleb to be on her doorstep instead of Blake. She stared at her ex-husband uneasily. He was handsome, perfectly so. His tan came from a tanning bed, his hair was cut by the most expensive stylist in Houston, and his clothing was tailored. He looked great, but she knew he was also an awful, awful person who made her feel bad about herself.

  He slowly turned, giving her house one last lip curl of disgust, and then faced her. “I’m here because I’ve decided that enough is enough. This charade has gone on long enough. I hope you’ve gotten it all out of your system, Amy, but it’s time for you to come home. Enough with this divorce and this ‘independence’ you think you need. If you want independence so badly, I’ll give you a bigger allowance, but this is just ridiculous. You belong at my side, not wiping noses.”

  Clearly only one of them had realized that the divorce was supposed to be final. “I don’t want to be with you.” Her voice was small, timid. Uncertain. Within moments of his return she’d reverted back to her old, helpless self. Amy was filled with self-loathing.

  “You don’t know what you want. I thought that was obvious.” He sounded utterly dismissive and so sure of himself. “Look around you. You can’t possibly want to live in this hovel.” Blake gestured at her house, at the furniture she’d scraped from estate sales and thrifts. “How much are they paying you at that little school?”

  “Enough.” It wasn’t enough. She didn’t want to tell him the amount because he’d laugh in her face. She knew it, too. She hadn’t cared about the salary when she took the job; she was just excited to get a job so she could have experience. She knew it didn’t pay well. It hadn’t mattered.

  She’d never anticipated having to explain herself to her ex, though.

  “Don’t just stand there,” Blake said, shaking his head. “Pack your things. I have an important business luncheon on the twenty-sixth and need to be back in Houston before the holiday.”

  “I thought you were broke,” Amy whispered. “You filed for bankruptcy.”

  He touched her shoulder in his familiar way, frowning, and she instinctively straightened like she always had. “Businesses come and go. You know that. The important thing is to always have more opportunities coming down the pipeline. Besides, this alimony thing doesn’t matter now that I’m willing to take you back.”

  It sank in finally what he was saying. He thought she was just going to pack up and leave with him. What she wanted didn’t matter. It never mattered. “You . . . you’re not listening. I don’t want to go back.” She gestured at her house. “I have a life here.”

  He put his hands on her shoulders. “You don’t know what you want, Amy. You never have. This is just you crying for attention. I never thought you’d go this far, but we both know common sense isn’t one of your strong suits.” He chuckled as if that was funny. “But I love you and I’m willing to overlook things. Come on. Get your stuff together. The sooner we leave this hellhole, the better.”

  Amy cleared her throat, shrugging off his hands. “I don’t want to go anywhere with you, Blake. I have a life here.” She choked on the words but managed to get them out. “I have a boyfriend.”

  For a moment, she could have sworn his eyes blackened with anger. “You’re seeing someone?”

  She gulped. “I am.”

  Realization dawned on his face. “Ah . . . I get it. You found some other sucker to take care of you, is that it?”

  Other sucker? Take care of her? She flinched, those words in particular striking home. “No. That’s not how it is at all.” She pointed at the door, even though her entire body was trembling. “I want you to get out, Blake.”

  “I know how you work,” he sneered. “All of this is a game for you. You just want someone else to pick up the pieces. You’re pretending to be the poor little schoolteacher until I rescue you, and since I didn’t get here fast enough, you found someone else to handle things. Let me guess, he gives you money, right? Buys you things? I’m sure your sob story really does a number on him. Poor, sweet little Amy who can’t afford the pretty things in life.” He shook his head. “Pathetic.”

  “Get out!” She pointed at the door.

  “You’re coming home with me,” he insisted. But he moved to the door. “You think on what I said. I know how to take care of you. I can give you the life you need. I know what you want. You think on it tonight and I’ll be back tomorrow to pick you up.” He looked her up and down, utterly confident. “And I’m going to want an apology.”

  The moment he stepped on the porch, she slammed the door in his face. Amy collapsed against it, panting as if she’d run a marathon. Donner immediately moved to her side, pushing his long nose under her hand until she began to pet him.

  She wanted to vomit . . . except she’d have to clean it up.

  Blake. That fucker had been here, in her living room. Amy sobbed out a breath, gasping for air. She felt like she was on the verge of a meltdown. He wanted her back. No, he didn’t want her. He just wanted to win. And she’d been such a wimp when he was here, letting him into her house, letting him talk to her like she was nothing. No wonder he didn’t believe her when she said she didn’t want anything to do with him. She’d folded like a deck of cards the moment he even looked her way.

  She clung to Donner, burying her hands in his thick fur as she listened to Blake’s rental car speed away. He’d flown here from Houston to come get her. That meant he really, truly thought if he’d just showed up and acted like this was all just a spat, that she’d come running home. Did he not truly know her after all this time? It boggled the mind.

  Or maybe he did know her all too well. He thought if he made her feel stupid enough, she’d cave. Give in to what he wanted. After all, she’d done that a million times before. She’d felt herself shrinking as he spoke, his words designed to make her feel like an idiot. To make her realize that her life was pathetic.

  Through his eyes, it was. She was living in a dump. She was teaching for bottom-dollar wages in a small town where she was an outsider.

  And she’d started dating a guy because he fixed her car.

  She sucked in a horrified breath at that realization. Blake
was right about her. She’d only truly seen Caleb when he showed up to bail her out. When he’d given her a ride back to town and promised to fix her car. She’d let him chauffeur her around. She’d let him fix her faucet and caulk the windows. He’d redone the ceiling in her bedroom and patched the roof, all because she’d needed it.

  Oh god, she was needy.

  Blake was right.

  She’d let a stranger waltz into her life and do all kinds of work on her house because she needed it. She hadn’t paid him a dime for all his time. Instead, she’d dated him. The sour taste of bile filled her mouth.

  Here she’d come to Wyoming to be her own person and she was falling into the same patterns. After all, it was so easy to just let Caleb handle things. Caleb had handled things when her date went south. He’d handled Greg when he’d shown up again. He’d handled her house problems and her car problems. He’d even jokingly suggested that she hand out cookies to her friends today.

  Amy wept, hating herself.

  The worst part of all of this was that she genuinely liked Caleb. She wanted him to do these things for her. She liked having him to lean on. She liked knowing he was there to help her and she wasn’t alone. Like when he’d suggested that she stay at his house because hers was freezing cold. She’d done it one night when it got too cold, another night letting him stay over because they could snuggle in bed together and stave off the worst of the chill.

  He was wonderful and generous . . . and he deserved so much better than a user like her. She was going to have to break up with him, she realized. For both of their sakes.

  She couldn’t be the new, improved Amy if she truly was just using him, and that broke her heart.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Caleb had spent hours decorating the barn for his date with Amy. Jack had laughed his ass off when he saw what Caleb was up to, but Jack’s opinion didn’t much matter. It was only Amy he wanted to impress. It was Amy whose eyes he wanted to light up with pleasure. Jack could buzz right off.

  So he hung pine garlands from one end of the barn doors to the other. He hung jingle bells from the stall doors and festive wreaths from hooks, making sure that none of them were in eating reach of the horses themselves. He got on a ladder and hung strings of lights from the rafters so she’d walk into a winter wonderland when she arrived. He wove bells into bridles and braided his horse’s mane with red and green ribbons.

  Today, he was going to show Amy how to ride a horse. She’d confessed that she’d never even gotten near one before, and he figured it was a good skill to learn. Plus, he got to spend the afternoon with her. It was a win all around. His letter for today was tucked into his front pocket, and he was hanging the last of the lights when he heard a car pull up.

  That had to be his girl.

  Grinning, Caleb closed the barn doors so he could surprise her and headed out to greet Amy.

  She didn’t come to meet him halfway. In fact, she got out of her car, leaned against the door, and huddled into her light jacket as if it were freezing outside. Why was she wearing that damn thing again? The one he’d gotten for her was much warmer, and today was a snowy, blustery day. She looked miserable, too. “You okay, Amy?”

  “We need to talk,” she told him in a wobbling voice.

  His senses went on alert. “Talk. About . . . ?”

  “I can’t do this,” she practically whispered even as he came close enough to see that her face was deathly pale, her eyes strangely hollow.

  “Our date this afternoon?” She didn’t look like she was feeling well. “No worries about that. It can wait.” She didn’t know it was horseback riding, and he sure wasn’t taking her out when she was this wretched-looking. “You feeling all right?”

  She shook her head. “I’m not talking about our date today. I’m talking about all of this. You and me. I can’t do this.” Her voice rose in a hysterical note. “I can’t do you and me, Caleb.”

  For a brief moment, it felt as if the ground dropped away from him. As if the world was ending. She’d been with him and found him lacking . . . somehow? But that didn’t make sense. He’d spent the night at her house last night, had woken up to her kissing his chest, her cold toes pressed between his legs. She’d initiated sex that morning, and he’d left her side with a smile on his face.

  Something had happened. “I don’t understand what you’re saying. What’s changed?”

  “Me,” she told him, wild eyed. She slammed her hand to her chest. “I’m the one that’s changing. I’m the one who needs to change, Caleb. You’re fine. You’re great.” Her face crumpled. “You’re perfect, okay?”

  Now he was really damn confused. “You want to sit down and talk somewhere, Amy?”

  “No.” She shook her head. “I’m tired of people talking to me and telling me what I should think. I thought about this on my own, and I realized that this isn’t right for me. You’re wonderful, Caleb, and I really do mean that.” Her voice broke. “But this can’t work between us. I can’t do a relationship right now.”

  He didn’t think she was serious. Not when she looked so very distraught. “Amy, love, we need to—”

  “No,” she said again, louder. “No. Just . . . no, okay, Caleb? Please believe me when I say no. I think you’re amazing but I can’t do this right now. Any of this.” She shook her head frantically and then fumbled back toward her car.

  He wanted to chase after her, but she was acting erratic. The last thing he wanted was for her to peel out of the gravel parking lot so fast she lost control. He was forced to watch her back her car up and head back out, leaving him behind.

  Caleb didn’t understand what had just happened.

  She’d broken up with him. Obviously. That part stung. It stung his pride and it made his chest ache, because he wanted her desperately. Every moment that he spent with her just reinforced how much he loved her, how she’d always been the right one for him. He’d known it the moment he saw her.

  He’d thought she was falling for him, too. She’d never seemed unhappy on their dates. She’d been delighted with every letter he’d given her, confessing his feelings one piece at a time. She’d smiled and laughed when he woke her up in bed.

  They’d made love last night staring into each other’s eyes and she told him she’d come so hard she’d seen stars. He’d kissed her and gone down on her again just to make sure she saw those stars twice.

  For it to all change now, this afternoon, hours after he’d been at her side?

  Something had happened.

  Bewildered, he watched her car head down the road and disappear. He wanted to text her . . . but she was driving. Hell, he wanted to get into his damn truck and follow behind her. Just show up at her house and demand answers. Grab her and kiss her until she relented and decided they’d be together again.

  He didn’t understand what had just happened . . . at all.

  Caleb watched the long driveway for a while, just in case she turned around and declared that she’d changed her mind. He hoped she’d show up and tell him what was bothering her, so he could help her figure it out. But the road remained empty, and his chest ached with a strange hollowness.

  Maybe she’d meant it after all.

  He wandered back toward the main house, feeling that hollowness spreading through his body. With Amy, he’d found joy in the smallest of things. He liked everything about spending time with her, but now days—weeks, months, years—without her stretched in front of him like slow torture. If it really was over between them . . . what did he have to look forward to? Why was he even here in Painted Barrel? Just to be near her? Even if she didn’t want him around?

  He’d do it. On the off chance she needed him, he’d always be there for her. It didn’t matter that she didn’t want him. He’d always, always want her. Amy was it for him.

  When he went inside, Uncle Ennis was sitting at the dining room table across from Jack
, doing crossword puzzles and drinking coffee. “Thought I saw your girl’s car pull up,” his elderly uncle commented.

  “You okay?” Jack asked Caleb, frowning at him. “You look . . . strange.”

  Caleb ran a hand down his face. “I think Amy just broke up with me.”

  “You think?” Jack echoed.

  Caleb shrugged, unable to find the words. When they continued to stare at him, he let out a frustrated breath. “I don’t know. She just came here, all frantic. Said it wasn’t me but we couldn’t be together.”

  “It might be you,” Jack said. “She might just be saying that.”

  Caleb thumped down into an empty chair, drained. He couldn’t process it. No Amy? Never again? It didn’t seem possible. “I don’t understand.”

  His uncle peered at him over his bifocals. “What exactly did she say, again?”

  Caleb had to think about it. “She was crying. Said I was perfect . . . and then said she couldn’t do a relationship right now.”

  “Ah.” Uncle Ennis gave him a knowing look. “It’s not you, then.” He tapped his pencil on the crossword puzzle. “What’s a three-letter word for ‘to obfuscate’?”

  “I don’t even know what obfuscate means,” Jack replied.

  “It means . . . well . . . it means when you . . . obfuscate something. You know. You hide it or something.” His uncle paused. “I think.”

  Caleb resisted the urge to snatch the crossword puzzle from his uncle’s hands. “Can we talk about my problems, here?”

  Uncle Ennis looked over at him again. “It’s not you. I said that. Take heart.”

  “It could be him,” Jack teased, obviously unaware of how close Caleb was to snapping. “I mean, if you had to date Caleb, you’d probably lose your shit at some point, too.”