by E. M. Leya
"No. They had no right to keep track of them. No right to go behind my back." D didn't look at Jeremy. He wanted to stay angry.
"I agree, they should have told you, but you can't blame them for wanting to protect you. It makes sense they'd watch for other kids being abused." Jeremy's hand settled on D's lower back. "They were just concerned for their friend."
"They should have told me." D continued to stare over the yard, the moonlight casting shadows that he wished he could get lost in.
"Is that really the issue?" Jeremy asked.
"What? Of course, it is. They shouldn't have kept that secret. I get they might want to make sure that other kids aren't abused, but seriously, we don't keep track of other cities very often. At least not unless it's a big case. They had no reason to keep tabs on my parents. Even if they did, they should have told me about it." D turned, leaning his back against the railing.
"So you're pissed off that your friends were trying to protect you and other kids?" Jeremy raised a brow. "That's not you, D. You'd do exactly the same thing for any of us. Look at how you've started surveillance on Jessica's attackers and you just met her. Why would your friends do anything less for you?"
D pursed his lips.
Jeremy kept leaning toward the backyard, his arms on the railing. "How does it make you feel hearing he's dead?"
D didn't answer. He wasn't sure he could. There were so many emotions going through him at the moment. He wanted to celebrate the man was dead, but then he would remember little things with his dad, mostly before the abuse started, and he wanted to mourn the loss. That was completely stupid because the abuse should have caused all the good memories to fade and only the bad ones to remain. He should hate the man, but then, there was a part of him that was saddened by his death. How fucked up was that?
Jeremy sighed. "Would you rather they hadn't told you?"
D closed his eyes. "I don't know."
"Before you get mad at Xander and Carter for checking up on things behind your back, I think you need to answer that question. Would you rather not know he'd died? Would you always rather wonder where he was, what he was doing?" Jeremy turned to face D. "I imagine there are a million things going through your head right now, but when it comes down to it, I don't think your anger is at Xander and Carter. Just make sure you're focusing that anger where it belongs before you go ruining friendships over it, okay?" He leaned in and kissed D on the cheek. "I'll be inside if you need me." Jeremy quietly walked inside, leaving D alone in the darkness.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
D sat on the balcony watching as the sun started to rise. He hadn't slept at all, his mind racing with too many thoughts and emotions to allow him to shut down long enough to rest. Confusion filled him as he tried to sort out everything. He'd spent the last few hours replaying his past in his mind. He'd thought about everything, the good, the bad, the painful stuff.
Up until the abuse started, he'd had a good life. His parents weren't horrible. He had friends with much stricter parents. He never wanted for anything. Somehow, even with their simple jobs, his parents had always provided for him. It wasn't until the abuse started that he hated going home, hated being around them.
After leaving home, he hadn't really allowed himself to think about his life with his parents. He'd thought about it a bit when Xander and he had planned revenge on their parents, but after that fell through and he'd joined the team, he'd shoved the memories deep into the back of his mind and wouldn't let them come forward. The pain was too much when they did, and he was afraid of what he would do if he was forced to face the memories and the hurt head on. Sex was a crutch, but there were times in the early years where he'd leaned on drugs and alcohol to numb the pain.
He glanced up as the sliding glass door opened and Faith walked out. She frowned at him. "Why are you up so early?"
He smiled. "Haven't been to bed yet. Why are you up?"
"I'm always up early. I think my body is just used to getting up for school. I can't sleep in." She sat down beside him. "You okay? You look like you've been crying."
He had been, but he didn't like that she could tell. "I had some thinking to do."
"About the team?" she asked.
"No. For once, it's not about the team. It's about my past." He glanced over at her. "Before the team. Before I met Xander."
"Xander won't talk about his life before he went in the Army." Faith shrugged.
"I don't either."
"Was it that bad?" She asked.
"I say I won't talk about it, but you ask me questions about it?" He smirked.
She laughed. "Sorry."
"It was both good and bad. I think that's why I'm having problems tonight thinking about it all. Xander told me he'd found out my dad died, and that made me start remembering everything."
"It can be hard at times. I remember my mom a lot, but that sometimes hurts. I miss her so much, but I don't tell Dad. He's happy now with Xander."
D leaned forward, resting his arms on his legs. "That doesn't mean he doesn't miss your mom too. There's enough room in his heart to love both."
"I know." She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "I'm sorry your dad died. I've never heard you talk about them before."
"I don't. They weren't nice, at least not when I last saw them. Before, when I was really young, they were good parents, but not so much when I got older. I left home as soon as I could."
"I'm sorry." Faith's eyes filled with sympathy. "Were they mean?"
He nodded.
"Did you tell them how you feel?"
D glanced up, confused. "Why would I do that?"
Faith shrugged. "Cause, it helps. When I talked to Katie in therapy, she told me that I needed to tell the man who kidnapped me how I feel. Not in person or anything, but in my own head and heart. She said I was letting him take up space in my head by letting his memory be there. She told me to write a letter to my kidnapper and tell him how I feel, how he made me feel. She said to put all my fears and stuff in the letter, then tuck it away."
"Did it help?" D asked.
"I don't know. Sometimes. It felt good to say the things I wanted to scream at him, even if it was just on paper, but sometimes it still hurts. But it's something you could try. I had to write a letter not long ago. He was up for parole. Dad asked if I wanted to write the parole board a letter to tell them to keep him in prison. I put a lot of my feelings in that, and Dad and Xander said the parole board read it out loud when they went to the hearing, so he knows how I feel, if he was listening. I'm not sure he cares. He didn't care when he was hurting us."
"My parents didn't care when they were hurting me either." He sighed. "I think that's what is messing me up tonight. I should hate them for what they did, but then I remember the times they were nice, and then I get all confused. I should be glad he's dead."
"That's hard. With my kidnapper, there are no good memories. It's easy to hate him because he was never nice." Faith bit her lip for a second. "I'm lucky because I have all you guys. My dads and the team helped me get through the bad times, and Katie lets me talk about everything. That helps too. There's stuff I can't tell Dad."
D nodded. "I couldn't tell anyone either. Xander and Jeremy are the only ones I've told about it, but I think Xander told your Dad, and I'm sure Bryon knows. He knows everything somehow."
Faith laughed. "He does. So is that why you didn't sleep? You're sad about your dad dying?"
D stared at her for a moment. "I don't know if I'm happy or sad about it. I guess a mix of both. I'm mad Xander had to tell me about it and I didn't know myself too, which is stupid, because I didn't care or want to know, at least I thought I didn't." D sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "I sound confused, don't I?"
"Yeah, but I don't know all you are talking about, so…" She shrugged. "Is your mom still alive?"
D blinked at her. "Um, I don't know. I guess Xander would have said something if she wasn't."
"Maybe you shoul
d write a letter to her. Get all the anger out that way, like I did."
D shrugged. He wasn't sure he was strong enough to do that. The anger and hate that would come out would be nearly overwhelming. "I don't know what to do." He stared at her. "It's hard to forget."
Faith nodded. "For me too. I don't think I ever will. Katie said that the memories will fade and won't be as bad, but then I have nightmares and it's like I'm there again."
"I have nightmares too," D admitted. "Not as often as I used to, but they still happen."
"When it gets bad, I focus on all the good in my life now. I call Lisa and talk to her or go shopping or something. I remind myself that while things were bad for a little while, that's over with and I'm happy now. He isn't able to hurt me anymore."
D smiled. "That's a good way to focus on things."
"It's the only way. Katie said I can choose to let what was done to me be a big deal in my life, or I can move on and figure out what things are important and deserve to be a big deal. I choose to let my friends and family be a big deal. Not what happened when I was kidnapped." Faith smiled.
"Katie's pretty amazing, isn't she?" D should have taken the time to listen to her more and open up about things when she was his therapist.
"She is." Faith reached a hand out to D. "Your past is just that, your past. You can't go back and change it. I learned that when I kept questioning if I could have done anything differently. It doesn't matter, thinking about it isn't going to change it. If you're mad at your parents, then be mad. It's okay, but don't forget what is important in your life. Do like I did and focus on your friends and what makes you happy now."
D squeezed Faith's hand in his. "I love you, kid. I hope you know that."
"I love you too, Dys." She got up and wrapped her arms around him in a big hug. "Are you going to be okay?"
"Yeah, I will be. I just need to sort through some stuff in my head. You've helped me start to do that." He smiled up at her. "You want waffles?"
She nodded. "I haven't had those forever."
"Then you need to tell your dads to get with it and make them for you more often. Waffles are the best for breakfast." D stood and stretched.
"You tell them. They always say I'm old enough to cook them breakfast now." She rolled her eyes.
"I'll talk to them." D opened the door for her and let her inside. He was still angry and mad, but he couldn't take it out on Faith. He had plenty to say to Xander when he got him alone later, but right now, he was going to focus on Faith and enjoy the time she was visiting.
The fact Xander had left him alone outside and hadn't tried to talk to him more, let him know that Xander was aware how big an issue this was. D needed time to think, and hopefully, with Faith around as a buffer, he'd get that time and could talk to Xander about everything later.
He was tired and stressed, and what he really wanted was to go into the bedroom, wake up Jeremy with a blowjob and get lost in hours of hot sex. That wasn't going to happen. Not with a houseful of people.
It was honestly time for him to come to terms with his past. As he'd thought about it all night, he realized he'd used sex and other things as a way to deal with it, but he'd never really faced it. He needed to do that. He couldn't run anymore. He couldn't hide from what had happened. He wasn't sure what the solution was, but he needed to let it go.
"Where's your waffle maker?" Faith started opening cupboards in the kitchen.
Everything was going to have to wait. He had Faith to feed, and that was more important than his own worries.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
D glanced at Xander as he took the last bite of his breakfast. The tension in the air was thick and D hated it. He could count on one hand the times he'd argued with Xander, and he hated each and every one of them.
"I've got the dishes." Jeremy ran a hand down his arm. "Why don't you two go talk?"
Xander tipped his glass, swallowing the last of his milk as he watched D from the other side of the table.
Matt stood. "Yep, Faith, Jeremy, and I will clean up. You two get out of here."
Faith nodded. "I agree. I don't like you two fighting."
D sighed. "We're not fighting. I'm just mad at him."
"Well, it will be fighting if you don't talk." Faith took D's plate from in front of him. "Remember what I said? Xander's one of the good things."
D smiled at her, but quickly looked back at Xander.
Xander nodded toward the backyard.
D gave a single nod before standing, planting a kiss on Jeremy's lips, then heading for the door.
Xander was right behind him. Neither of them spoke until D had closed the door and taken a seat at the picnic table.
"Why didn't you tell me you guys were keeping tabs on my parents?" There was no point in making small talk. He wanted answers.
Xander sighed. "Like I said, at first it was to make sure they hadn't turned to another kid, but then it just became a habit. Something Carter would check from time to time. There really wasn't anything to tell. It's why we never brought it up to you. It wasn't until last week that he came to me and let me know your dad died."
"You shouldn't have been checking up on them. If I wanted to know, I would have asked. I walked away from that part of my life. I never asked you two to keep it open behind my back." D sighed. "Did you ever think I didn't want to know when he died?"
"I don't believe that for a second. What your parents did has stuck with you all these years. I know you too well, Dys. No matter what you say, you've thought about it, remembered it. I hoped that hearing he was dead might finally give you closure. It might help you finally move on." Xander ran his hand down his beard, holding it in a tight fist. "Dude, I know you better than anyone else does. I know what you run from. I know the ghosts that haunt you."
"You're wrong, Xan. Finding out he's dead doesn't change anything. It doesn't take away what they did. I hope he's rotting in Hell right now, but knowing it wouldn't take my pain away. You're right in the fact that I did need something to help me get through it, to help me move on, and I found that something in Jeremy. He's saved me from the man I used to be. He's the one who quiets the demons when they start to come after me."
"Good, I'm glad you found what calms you. That's how Matt was for me, but I still don't believe hearing your dad's dead means nothing to you. I don't regret checking up on them, and I don't regret telling you. It's something you needed to know."
"Why? She's still alive. The world is full of evil fucks like them. So what, he's dead. That's one child abuser out of millions. I survived, I moved on. A lot of kids aren't that lucky." D took a deep breath. "Listen, I'm more pissed that there were secrets between us. I thought you out of everyone would know better."
"You would have freaked out if I'd told you."
"Like I am now? Damn right I would. I would have told you to stop. Forget them, act like they were already dead. That's what I was doing until you showed up yesterday to inform me differently."
"Fuck, D, seriously, you don't even care?"
"Why would I? They didn't care enough about me. In all the years you watched them, did they once look for me? Did they act like they cared where I was?" He stood and walked to the railing, turning to lean against it as he stared at Xander. "Did they give a fuck about me?"
Xander sighed, but didn't answer.
"See, they didn't give a fuck, so why should I? The asshole is dead, so what? Let him rot. I don't give a shit anymore." D stared at Xander. "What I do care about is being able to trust my best friend. To know we don't have secrets between us."
"We don't, at least not any other." Xander stood, taking a few steps toward D. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I really thought you'd want to know. I thought it would help you heal."
"How do you heal from that shit?" D shook his head in disgust. "There is no healing. There's walking away, there's trying to forget, but there is no healing."
"I just thought—"
"Don't think for me, okay? Don't even try. You
weren't there. You don't know. You might be my best friend, and you might know more than anyone else does, but that doesn't make it okay for you to think you can make choices for me. You, Carter, and probably Bryon too, were out of line keeping tabs on them. That's all I'm going to say about it. I love you, Xan, I really do, but this went over the line. We don't talk about them again. Ever. Okay?" D stared at his best friend.
Xander nodded. "Okay. I'm sorry. You're right. You had a right to know. We were wrong not to ask you what you wanted." He took a heavy breath. "Are we cool? I can't handle it if this sits between us. It's already hard enough with you so far away. I can't go home knowing there are issues between us, Dys."
Dyson sighed. "It would take something bigger than this to break us apart, Xan. This pissed me off, but it's not something that is going to stay with us. I know you were doing what you thought was right, but you were thinking with your mind, not putting yourself in mine. As alike as we are, there are differences. We'll be okay. I just need some time to cool down. The news was like ripping a bandage off a raw wound. Come here." D opened his arms and closed the distance between them.
"Thank God," Xander breathed out as he gripped the back of D's shirt in his fists as he hugged him. "I couldn't stand to lose you."
"You'll never lose me. We've been through too much." D pulled back. "We don't discuss it again, okay?'
"Okay." Xander nodded.
"Now tell me about the team. What's going on back home?" D needed to change the subject if he really was going to let this go.
Xander sat back down, his hand going to his beard and gripping it. "We took some time off after you got caught, but we're back in full swing. Bryon is watching for someone to join us to take your place, but he's not rushing things. Bryon took your arrest hard. So did Carter. He felt like he should have seen it coming, pissed he missed something on the police scanner. It's all eased, but for a while, things were tense. Really, nothing is going on to report. It's just like it was when you were there. We've all been a little more cautious, I think. It hit the team hard when we lost you. Thank fuck that Carter was able to pull off your escape. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't gotten out."