More heaving.
More cramps.
Absolute agony.
“Remi?”
“In the bathroom.” I try to yell out, but it’s a whisper.
“Oh, honey.” There’s commotion around me. The faucet runs, someone pulls my hair back into a ponytail and rubs my back.
“Can’t stop throwing up. And I had diarrhea. And, oh my God, my stomach.”
“Okay, it’s going to be okay.” Jillian wipes my face with the cool cloth, and it feels like Heaven.
“Oh, God.” I lean over and keep throwing up.
“I’m going to call Josh and tell him to bring some supplies,” Cara says behind me. Jillian keeps rubbing my back and presses the cool cloth against my neck.
“It’s okay.”
“Not okay.” I lean my forehead on the toilet seat and feel like crying. “What are you doing?”
“I’m soothing you. Doesn’t your mother do this for you when you’re sick?”
“No.”
I throw up some more, and then I feel too weak to do anything else. Jillian helps me to the bedroom, where Cara’s already turned down the bed.
“Josh will be here in ten minutes with some electrolytes and crackers,” she informs us as I fall onto the bed. “I hate to be the one to ask this, but Remi, could you be pregnant?”
“Pregnancy doesn’t cause diarrhea,” Jillian hisses.
“I don’t think so. Unlikely.” I take a deep breath and will my stomach to settle just as my phone rings. I frown at Annie’s name and answer on speaker.
“’llo?”
“Tell me you didn’t eat the corned beef hash this morning at Ed’s,” she says. “It was bad. I guess a bunch of people are sick from it.”
“Sure did.” I swallow hard. “So sick.”
“Oh, man. I’m so sorry, Remi. Do you need anything?”
“Hi, Annie, this is Jillian. Cara and I are here, but we’ll be sure to let you know if anything comes up.”
“You do that. Get some rest, Rem. I’ll call you later and check in.”
“Thanks.”
I click off and moan. I don’t think I’ve ever been so sick in my life. “You guys don’t have to stay. I think the worst is over. I hope.”
“We’re staying,” Cara insists. “At least until Seth comes home. Do you think you can take a tiny sip of water?”
“Nothing.” I wrinkle my nose.
“Okay. It’s okay,” Cara croons.
They’re hovering. They’re worried. I can see it on their faces.
“If you get too dehydrated, you’ll have to go to the hospital,” Jillian says.
“This just started. Let me settle down, and then I’ll try the water.”
“That’s fair,” Cara says and then runs out of the room when we hear a knock on the door.
“That’s probably Josh with the supplies,” Jillian says with a smile. “You’ve already gotten rid of most of what you ate. You should start to feel better.”
“I got rid of everything I’ve eaten since I was nine,” I reply and then turn into the fetal position as more cramps rack my body. “It’s like someone is squeezing my stomach in a vise.”
“I’m so sorry,” Jillian whispers and wipes another cloth on my face. It feels cool and nice.
And weird.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Oh, I’m sorry if it doesn’t feel good.”
I sigh when the cramp passes. “That’s not it. I’m just not used to being taken care of, that’s all.”
Jillian is quiet for a moment. “I hate that your mom didn’t take care of you when you were sick.”
“Yeah, well, she’s not a stellar mom.”
“Not all mothers are born with the nurturing gene,” she says softly and tentatively wipes the rag over my cheek. “Cara and I are mothers, honey. And we’re here to take care of you. You can’t do it yourself right now. But if you’re uncomfortable, just say so, and I’ll back off, okay?”
My eyes want to fill with tears, so I blink rapidly. “Thanks. Really, thank you for coming so fast. I was scared.”
“I know. I know you were.”
“I have supplies,” Cara says softly. “And Josh is trying to get in touch with Seth. He’d be upset if he knew you were so sick and no one could reach him.”
“I feel like I’m a huge pain in the ass.” I swallow hard, willing my body not to make me throw up again.
“This is what family does,” Cara says, so matter-of-factly that my eyes fill with tears once more. “Don’t worry, sweetheart. We’ll get you feeling like yourself in no time. I promise.”
“Oh, God.”
I have to run for the bathroom again for round two. It’s not as bad as the first round, but when I’m done, sweat covers me.
“Who knew food could be so angry?” I ask as Jillian starts the shower for me. I don’t even feel self-conscious as I strip down and step into the warm water. It’s not too hot, just enough that it doesn’t make me shiver.
“My hips remind me just how angry food can be, every time I eat cupcakes,” Cara says with a wink.
I take in her curly blonde hair, her curvy body, and grin. “You’re completely adorable. I can see why Josh fell hard for you. And Seth, now that I think of it.”
“Seth fell for me?” Cara asks in confusion.
“He told me that you were his safe person for a long time,” I reply and turn the water off, then take the towel Cara offers. “And I can see why. You’re wonderful. You’re both just wonderful.”
“I think I have something in my eye,” Jillian says, wiping at her face.
“Me, too,” Cara agrees and sniffles. “And now I know why he loves you so much, Remi. Damn it. I’m getting all sentimental.”
I step into the clean pajamas that Jillian brought in, and once I’m all clothed, Jillian pulls us in for a group hug.
“I know I feel gross, but thank you both so much for helping me. Now I have to fall back into the bed.”
They laugh and wipe at tears, then help me back to the bed. Jillian actually tucks me in and kisses my forehead, and when another cramp moves through my belly, and I moan in pain, they’re there to talk me through it.
God, it feels like I’m going to die.
I manage to fall asleep. I can hear people speaking softly around me, but I’m so weak, so exhausted, I drift. The cloth is on my head, and then it’s gone.
I toss and turn.
And then I have to run for the bathroom again.
Finally, what seems like an eternity later, I hear Seth.
“What’s wrong with her? What’s going on?”
“Food poisoning,” I hear Jillian say. They whisper. And then he’s with me, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me against him. He kisses my forehead.
“Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.”
“Sucks,” I mutter with my eyes closed. “So tired.”
“Just sleep. And then we’ll get some broth in you.”
The mention of food makes my stomach roil. But lying here with him feels so good.
“If you need me, just call,” Jillian says, and I open my eyes.
“Thank you.” I reach for her hand, and she lets me take it. “Thank you for saving me. I was scared.”
“You gave us a scare, too. But you’ll be okay, and Seth’s here with you. I’m just down the road.”
“Thank you,” I say again and fall asleep against Seth’s chest.
I’m wrapped in a blanket, sitting on the front porch swing. It’s past midnight. I feel like I went four rounds with the champ.
I needed some fresh air, so I tiptoed out of the bedroom, grabbed a blanket, and came outside. Seth was sleeping soundly, and I didn’t want to wake him up. I kept thinking about Jillian and Cara and everything they did for me today.
They cared for me.
And while my mother has never been mean, she was never a maternal person, at least with me. She was with my younger siblings, and it always confused me.
But now that I’m in a loving relationship and have spent a good amount of time with Seth’s family, I think I get it.
I was a daily reminder of the man that she couldn’t stand. I was with her because of duty. But I wasn’t part of her ideal family. And, damn it, that’s not my fault.
Seth’s experience, once his dad married Jillian, could have been the same. But it was exactly the opposite. Jillian loves him as if he came from her body. His family is affectionate and loving, and no one is left out. No one is ever made to feel like they’re less than.
My mother’s lack of a decent-parent gene isn’t my fault at all. And I think it’s time that I let that go. It could stay with me, make me angry, frustrate me. Or I can just accept that she is who she is and move forward. If she’s missing from my life, that’s on her. Not me.
It took coming to Montana and meeting some incredible people to make me realize that.
“Here you are.” Seth shuffles out onto the porch and joins me on the swing. “I got worried when I couldn’t find you.”
“I’m sorry. I thought you’d sleep through it.”
“How are you doing?”
“A little better. I’m not throwing up anymore, so I consider that a win. I just feel weak and tired.”
“I’m so sorry that you got sick, baby.” He wraps me tightly in his arms and sets the swing into motion. The stars tonight are insanely bright, and an owl hoots in the distance.
“I’ll never eat corned beef hash again in my life.”
He chuckles and kisses the top of my head. “I don’t blame you there. I don’t think I will either, in support.”
He’s quiet for a moment, and then he says, “You probably shouldn’t go to the Halloween party tomorrow, you know.”
I scowl up at him. “Damn it, Seth, that’s just mean. I really wanted to go.”
“I know.” He kisses my cheek. “But you need to rest, babe. You were so sick.”
I pout. “It’s not fair.”
“I’ll stay home with you.”
I shake my head. “No. You’re volunteering. You should go.”
“No way. If you don’t go, I don’t go.”
He kisses my head.
I bury my face in his shoulder and breathe him in. He smells like the soap in the shower and like…Seth.
It’s the best.
“We should probably go back to bed,” he finally says.
“Yeah. But let’s sit here in the quiet, just for a few more minutes.”
He leans back and looks down at me. “You sure you’re okay?”
“I am. I was just thinking. Coming to terms with some things.”
“Anything you need to talk about?”
“No.” I stand and offer him my hand. “No, I have it figured out for now.”
Chapter 18
~Seth~
I like having her here. All of her. At this point, after spending more than a month in the house, she’s pretty much unpacked her van, and all of her things are mingled with mine.
She has closet space. Drawers in the dresser. She bought fancy little autumn towels for the kitchen that I’m not allowed to use to dry my hands because they’re decorative.
Without a declaration from one of us, she’s moved in. And I love that it was completely organic. She just lives here. Like it’s as natural as breathing.
Her slippers are by the couch where she toed them off last night when we watched the finale of the show she was supposed to be on.
I cleaned her hair out of the shower drain this morning.
And I don’t care at all. Because I love having her here.
“Ugh.” She sits on the side of the bed and presses a hand to her stomach as I walk into the bedroom.
“What’s wrong?”
“I just threw up again. I didn’t think that food poisoning lasted a week.”
“It doesn’t.” I prop my hands on my hips and frown in concern. “You really should see a doctor, babe.”
“It’s probably just the flu.”
I shake my head. “I don’t think so. I’m not sick. If you’ve had the flu for a week, odds are good that I would have caught it, too.”
“Right.” She furrows her brow and looks up at the ceiling. “Shit. If they jinxed me, I’m going to punch them in the face. Well, just Cara. She brought it up.”
“Why are you going to punch Cara in the face? And just to warn you, I love you, but I can’t have you punching my aunt Cara, babe.”
“When she and Jillian were here last week when the sickness hit, she asked if I could be pregnant. But, of course, that wasn’t it. Because I ate the corned beef that made others sick, and we’re always careful. But—”
“But?”
“But food poisoning doesn’t last a week, Seth.”
I blink at her. “Maybe it is the flu.”
Everything in me shuts down. I don’t want to think about the alternative.
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” she repeats and pastes a smile on her face. “Maybe I ate something else that didn’t agree with me. Or it was watching that jerk, Derek, on the show finale last night. That dude should not have won.”
“He looks smarmy,” I reply and try to push the idea of a pregnancy from my mind.
“You should see him in person.” She gives a pretend shiver. “Are you off to the barn for the day?”
“Yeah, we’ll be out riding fence until lunchtime, but I’ll have my cell if you need me.”
“Okay.” She wraps her arms around my shoulders. “We’re okay, right?”
“Of course. Yeah, we’re great. Feel better, babe.”
“Have a good day.”
I kiss her lightly, grab my hat, and hurry out to my truck. I’ve never wanted to get to the barn so badly in my life.
My stomach is in knots, and it has nothing to do with an illness. I’m cold. And damn it, I’m just…panicked.
I park behind the barn and hurry inside. Dad and Josh are talking with Louie when I approach.
“There you are, kid,” Louie says, but his face sobers when he sees me. “I think I’ll go check on that foal.”
He walks away, and I’m left under the scrutiny of Josh and Dad.
“What?”
“What’s wrong with you?” Josh asks.
“Nothing. Let’s go ride fence. Wait, is there a new foal?”
“Bullshit,” Dad says quietly, and both of them cross their arms over their chests and stare me down like they used to when I was in trouble as a kid. “Talk.”
I scratch my chin and shake my head. “No.”
Dad narrows his eyes. “If you won’t talk about it, I can’t use you today. I need your head in the game. So you can go.”
“I think she’s pregnant.”
The words are out of my mouth before I can reel them back in again, and the two men I respect the most in the world just stare at me.
“She’s still sick,” I continue and tell them about our conversation this morning. “Food poisoning doesn’t last a week. We all know that.”
They share a look and then turn their gazes back on me.
“And you’re not happy about it,” Dad guesses.
“I’m not dad material.” My voice is flat, devoid of any of the emotion I have roiling inside of me. “I had no plans to ever have kids. Get married? Sure. I can do that. But being a parent isn’t in my future.”
“So, what are you saying? If she’s pregnant, you’ll…what?” Josh asks. “Turn her away? Cast her aside?”
The very thought fills me with rage and despair. But the idea of a baby? It paralyzes me in fear.
“I don’t know. I don’t fucking know.” I pace away and take off my hat, scratching my head before slamming it back on again. “Everyone knows, especially me, that I can not have kids.”
“Why?” Dad demands as he tilts his head and narrows his eyes. “Why can’t you be a father?”
I chew on my lip. How do I say this without hurting his feelings?
“Did your mom and I fuck
you up?” he continues.
“Not you and Jillian,” I reply and then swear under my breath, pacing back and forth. “You guys are the best. All of you. And the kids are all well-adjusted people.”
“But not you?” Josh asks.
“I’m way better than I was the day that bitch dropped me off on this ranch.” I shake my head. “But damn it, her gene pool is in me. And I’d give just about anything to make that not true. For Jillian to be my biological mom. But she’s not. And I’ll be goddamned if I’ll pass on anything Kensie gave me to a baby. That’s just not fair.”
“Seth—” Dad begins, but I cut him off.
“No, it’s not just that. Look, you know that Kensie was a shitty mom and that I had it pretty bad before I came here. I don’t want to tell you all of the things that happened, but let me just say that I’ve seen too much, and I have too much bad in me to be a dad.”
“Whoa,” Dad says and puts his hands up, palms out. “Stop right there. What in the hell are you talking about?”
I shake my head. “Nevermind. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I’m just a mess. And you’re probably right. I shouldn’t be here today.”
“What did you see, Seth?”
“Nothing. It’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing, goddamn it,” Dad counters. “We can’t help you if we don’t know what’s going on.”
“It was a long time ago, and it’s over, so it doesn’t matter.”
“It’s clearly not over for you,” Josh replies. “And if this isn’t your safe place, then I don’t know what is, Seth. We love you, and nothing’s ever going to change that, so you need to talk to us. Tell us what in the hell has you so twisted up inside.”
Jesus, I don’t want to do this. But I need advice. I need to talk to them because with the way I feel right now, if Remi’s pregnant, I don’t know what I’ll do.
So, I talk. I talk more than I ever have before, and I tell them everything. I don’t leave anything out. When I’m done and look up at them, my uncle Josh has tears in his eyes, and my dad looks like he wants to kill someone with his bare hands.
I’m pretty sure he has done that in the past.
“How do I bring all of that to a kid?” I ask at last. “It’s not fair. It’s too much.”
Shelter: A Heroes Of Big Sky Novel Page 15