Tales of St. Austin's

by P. G. Wodehouse

  _Chapter 2_

  It was about a week after the Bargees' match that the rules respectingbounds were made stricter, much to the popular indignation. The penaltyfor visiting Stapleton without leave was increased from two hundredlines to two extra lessons. The venomous characteristic of extra lessonwas that it cut into one's football, for the criminal was turned into aform-room from two till four on half-holidays, and so had to scratchall athletic engagements for the day, unless he chose to go for asolitary run afterwards. In the cricket term the effect of this was notso deadly. It was just possible that you might get an innings somewhereafter four o'clock, even if only at the nets. But during the footballseason--it was now February--to be in extra lesson meant a total lossof everything that makes life endurable, and the School protested (toone another, in the privacy of their studies) with no uncertain voiceagainst this barbarous innovation.

  The reason for the change had been simple. At the corner of the HighStreet at Stapleton was a tobacconist's shop, and Mr Prater, strollingin one evening to renew his stock of Pioneer, was interested to observeP. St H. Harrison, of Merevale's, purchasing a consignment of 'Girl ofmy Heart' cigarettes (at twopence-halfpenny the packet of twenty,including a coloured picture of Lord Kitchener). Now, Mr Prater was oneof the most sportsmanlike of masters. If he had merely met Harrison outof bounds, and it had been possible to have overlooked him, he wouldhave done so. But such a proceeding in the interior of a small shop wasimpossible. There was nothing to palliate the crime. The tobacconistalso kept the wolf from the door, and lured the juvenile population ofthe neighbourhood to it, by selling various weird brands of sweets, butit was only too obvious that Harrison was not after these. Guilt was inhis eye, and the packet of cigarettes in his hand. Also Harrison'sHouse cap was fixed firmly at the back of his head. Mr Prater finishedbuying his Pioneer, and went out without a word. That night it wasannounced to Harrison that the Headmaster wished to see him. TheHeadmaster saw him, though for a certain period of the interview he didnot see the Headmaster, having turned his back on him by request. Onthe following day Stapleton was placed doubly out of bounds.

  Tony, who was still in bed, had not heard the news when Charteris cameto see him on the evening of the day on which the edict had gone forth.

  'How are you getting on?' asked Charteris.

  'Oh, fairly well. It's rather slow.'

  'The grub seems all right.' Charteris absently reached out for a sliceof cake.

  'Not bad.'

  'And you don't have to do any work.'

  'No.'

  'Well, then, it seems to me you're having a jolly good time. What don'tyou like about it?'

  'It's so slow, being alone all day.'

  'Makes you appreciate intellectual conversation all the more when youget it. Mine, for instance.'

  'I want something to read.'

  'I'll bring you a Sidgwick's _Greek Prose Composition_, if youlike. Full of racy stories.'

  'I've read 'em, thanks.'

  'How about Jebb's _Homer_? You'd like that. Awfully interesting.Proves that there never was such a man as Homer, you know, and that the_Iliad_ and the _Odyssey_ were produced by evolution. Generalstyle, quietly funny. Make you roar.'

  'Don't be an idiot. I'm simply starving for something to read. Haven'tyou got anything?'

  'You've read all mine.'

  'Hasn't Welch got any books?'

  'Not one. He bags mine when he wants to read. I'll tell you what I willdo if you like.'

  'What?'

  'Go into Stapleton, and borrow something from Adamson.' Adamson was theCollege doctor.

  'By Jove, that's not a bad idea.'

  'It's a dashed good idea, which wouldn't have occurred to anybody but agenius. I've been quite a pal of Adamson's ever since I had the flu. Igo to tea with him occasionally, and we talk medical shop. Have youever tried talking medical shop during tea? Nothing like it for givingyou an appetite.'

  'Has he got anything readable?'

  'Rather. Have you ever tried anything of James Payn's?'

  'I've read _Terminations_, or something,' said Tony doubtfully,'but he's so obscure.'

  'Don't,' said Charteris sadly, 'please don't. _Terminations_ is byone Henry James, and there is a substantial difference between him andJames Payn. Anyhow, if you want a short biography of James Payn, hewrote a hundred books, and they're all simply ripping, and Adamson hasgot a good many of them, and I'm hoping to borrow a couple--any twowill do--and you're going to read them. I know one always bars a bookthat's recommended to one, but you've got no choice. You're not goingto get anything else till you've finished those two.'

  'All right,' said Tony. 'But Stapleton's out of bounds. I supposeMerevale'll give you leave to go in.'

  'He won't,' said Charteris. 'I shan't ask him. On principle. So long.'

  On the following afternoon Charteris went into Stapleton. The distanceby road was almost exactly one mile. If you went by the fields it waslonger, because you probably lost your way.

  Dr Adamson's house was in the High Street. Charteris knocked at thedoor. The servant was sorry, but the doctor was out. Her tone seemed tosuggest that, if she had had any say in the matter, he would haveremained in. Would Charteris come in and wait? Charteris rather thoughthe would. He waited for half an hour, and then, as the absent medicodid not appear to be coming, took two books from the shelf, wrote asuccinct note explaining what he had done, and why he had done it,hoping the doctor would not mind, and went out with his literarytrophies into the High Street again.

  The time was now close on five o'clock. Lock-up was not till a quarterpast six--six o'clock nominally, but the doors were always left opentill a quarter past. It would take him about fifteen minutes to getback, less if he trotted. Obviously, the thing to do here was to spenda thoughtful quarter of an hour or so inspecting the sights of thetown. These were ordinarily not numerous, but this particular dayhappened to be market day, and there was a good deal going on. The HighStreet was full of farmers, cows, and other animals, the majority ofthe former well on the road to intoxication. It is, of course,extremely painful to see a man in such a condition, but when such aperson is endeavouring to count a perpetually moving drove of pigs, theonlooker's pain is sensibly diminished. Charteris strolled along theHigh Street observing these and other phenomena with an attentive eye.Opposite the Town Hall he was button-holed by a perfect stranger, whom,by his conversation, he soon recognized as the Stapleton 'character'.There is a 'character' in every small country town. He is not a badcharacter; still less is he a good character. He is just a 'character'pure and simple. This particular man--or rather, this man, for he wasanything but particular--apparently took a great fancy to Charteris atfirst sight. He backed him gently against a wall, and insisted ontelling him an interminable anecdote of his shady past, when, itseemed, he had been a 'super' in some travelling company. The plot ofthe story, as far as Charteris could follow it, dealt with a theatricaltour in Dublin, where some person or persons unknown had, with maliceprepense, scattered several pounds of snuff on the stage previous to aperformance of _Hamlet_; and, according to the 'character', whenthe ghost of Hamlet's father sneezed steadily throughout his greatscene, there was not a dry eye in the house. The 'character' hadconcluded that anecdote, and was half-way through another, whenCharteris, looking at his watch, found that it was almost six o'clock.He interrupted one of the 'character's' periods by diving past him andmoving rapidly down the street. The historian did not seem to object.Charteris looked round and saw that he had button-holed a fresh victim.He was still gazing in one direction and walking in another, when heran into somebody.

  'Sorry,' said Charteris hastily. 'Hullo!'

  It was the secretary of the Old Crockfordians, and, to judge from thescowl on that gentleman's face, the recognition was mutual.

  'It's you, is it?' said the secretary in his polished way.

  'I believe so,' said Charteris.

  'Out of bounds,' observed the man.

  Charteris was surprised. This grasp of
technical lore on the part of atotal outsider was as unexpected as it was gratifying.

  'What do you know about bounds?' said Charteris.

  'I know you ain't allowed to come 'ere, and you'll get it 'ot from yourmaster for coming.'

  'Ah, but he won't know. I shan't tell him, and I'm sure you willrespect my secret.'

  Charteris smiled in a winning manner.

  'Ho!' said the man, 'Ho indeed!'

  There is something very clinching about the word 'Ho'. It seemsdefinitely to apply the closure to any argument. At least, I have neveryet met anyone who could tell me the suitable repartee.

  'Well,' said Charteris affably, 'don't let me keep you. I must be goingon.'

  'Ho!' observed the man once more. 'Ho indeed!'

  'That's a wonderfully shrewd remark,' said Charteris. 'I can see that,but I wish you'd tell me exactly what it means.'

  'You're out of bounds.'

  'Your mind seems to run in a groove. You can't get off that boundsbusiness. How do you know Stapleton's out of bounds?'

  'I have made enquiries,' said the man darkly.

  'By Jove,' said Charteris delightedly, 'this is splendid. You're aregular sleuth-hound. I dare say you've found out my name and Housetoo?'

  'I may 'ave,' said the man, 'or I may not 'ave.'

  'Well, now you mention it, I suppose one of the two contingencies isprobable. Well, I'm awfully glad to have met you. Good-bye. I must begoing.'

  'You're goin' with me.'

  'Arm in arm?'

  'I don't want to _'ave_ to take you.'

  'No,' said Charteris, 'I should jolly well advise you not to try. Thisis my way.'

  He walked on till he came to the road that led to St Austin's. Thesecretary of the Old Crockfordians stalked beside him with determinedstride.

  'Now,' said Charteris, when they were on the road, 'you mustn't mind ifI walk rather fast. I'm in a hurry.'

  Charteris's idea of walking rather fast was to dash off down the roadat quarter-mile pace. The move took the man by surprise, but, after amoment, he followed with much panting. It was evident that he was notin training. Charteris began to feel that the walk home might beamusing in its way. After they had raced some three hundred yards heslowed down to a walk again. It was at this point that his companionevinced a desire to do the rest of the journey with a hand on thecollar of his coat.

  'If you touch me,' observed Charteris with a surprising knowledge oflegal _minutiae_, 'it'll be a technical assault, and you'll getrun in; and you'll get beans anyway if you try it on.'

  The man reconsidered matters, and elected not to try it on.

  Half a mile from the College Charteris began to walk rather fast again.He was a good half-miler, and his companion was bad at every distance.After a game struggle he dropped to the rear, and finished a hundredyards behind in considerable straits. Charteris shot in at Merevale'sdoor with five minutes to spare, and went up to his study to worryWelch by telling him about it.

  'Welch, you remember the Bargee who scragged Tony? Well, there havebeen all sorts of fresh developments. He's just been pacing me all theway from Stapleton.'

  'Stapleton! Have you been to Stapleton? Did Merevale give you leave?'

  'No. I didn't ask him.'

  'You _are_ an idiot. And now this Bargee man will go straight tothe Old Man and run you in. I wonder you didn't think of that.'

  'Curious I didn't.'

  'I suppose he saw you come in here?'

  'Rather. He couldn't have had a better view if he'd paid for a seat.Half a second; I must just run up with these volumes to Tony.'

  When he came back he found Welch more serious than ever.

  'I told you so,' said Welch. 'You're to go to the Old Man at once. He'sjust sent over for you. I say, look here, if it's only lines I don'tmind doing some of them, if you like.'

  Charteris was quite touched by this sporting offer.

  'It's awfully good of you,' he said, 'but it doesn't matter, really. Ishall be all right.'

  Ten minutes later he returned, beaming.

  'Well,' said Welch, 'what's he given you?'

  'Only his love, to give to you. It was this way. He first asked me if Iwasn't perfectly aware that Stapleton was out of bounds. "Sir," says I,"I've known it from childhood's earliest hour." "Ah," says he to me,"did Mr Merevale give you leave to go in this afternoon?" "No," says I,"I never consulted the gent you mention."'

  'Well?'

  'Then he ragged me for ten minutes, and finally told me I must go intoextra the next two Saturdays.'

  'I thought so.'

  'Ah, but mark the sequel. When he had finished, I said that I was sorryI had mistaken the rules, but I had thought that a chap was allowed togo into Stapleton if he got leave from a master. "But you said that MrMerevale did not give you leave," said he. "Friend of my youth," Ireplied courteously, "you are perfectly correct. As always. Mr Merevaledid not give me leave, but," I added suavely, "Mr Dacre did." And Icame away, chanting hymns of triumph in a mellow baritone, and leavinghim in a dead faint on the sofa. And the Bargee, who was present duringthe conflict, swiftly and silently vanished away, his moraleconsiderably shattered. And that, my gentle Welch,' concluded Charterischeerfully, 'put me one up. So pass the biscuits, and let us rejoice ifwe never rejoice again.'