As for me, I wished I could feel a sense of peace while I looked up at him in the sky. Maybe I would someday. But for now, I still felt an undercurrent of anger.
Under the beauty of it all, I was mad. Because he had thought he was imperfect as he was, and he’d left me here. And I hadn’t gotten a real chance to tell him what I felt, or to take back my last words to him—which had been something about how I wished I’d never met him, and how I’d find a new lover as soon as I could. I’d called him a monster.
Had he realized that it was only Anat’s influence making me crazy? I didn’t know. There hadn’t been time to explain.
The truth was that I loved his imperfection, his insane arrogance, his utter bafflement at emotions. I thought back to the flash of vulnerability in his eyes when I said I wished I’d never met him, and I felt like a divine sword was splitting me open.
I loved every flawed part of him. He was my crooked Cornish oak, twisted and beautiful, surrounded by jagged rocks. I felt peace with him, with all his faults, and he was the only one who could put my mind at rest. I wanted to sleep shielded beneath his sinuous boughs.
With him gone, I had to beg the darkening skies to let me sleep. When night failed me, I had to pray to the dawn to give me dreams. Because I had no peace without him, and my mind would never rest.
I took another sip of my wine. Exhaustion gripped my mind as I stared up at him gleaming in the sky. So divine and distant.
I missed him, and I loved him, and my anger could fill the seas.
Aenor
Tonight, I’d left the wine downstairs in my evening trip to the tower. I hadn’t slept in weeks, so I was mentally dull enough without any alcohol. Now, I was sitting on the cool stone floor of the balcony, wrapped up in a warm cable-knit sweater. My blue hair whipped around my head, and I simply let it.
I leaned against the wall of the spire, staring up at the Evening Star. “Salem,” I mumbled. “I cannot sleep. You are a god. I’m not asking for much. Just a long freaking nap. Just give me a nap.”
I was borderline delirious. I knew he couldn’t hear me, but I wanted to talk to him all the same.
“You have your peace in the heavens, don’t you? Can I just get some sleep?”
I’d spent the day trying to adjudicate a dispute about a woman renting a room from the Worshipful Guild of Vintners, but I hadn’t been able to keep my eyes open. I actually wasn’t even sure what a vintner was.
Sighing, I stood and leaned over the parapet. This felt like home, yes. But I didn’t need to rule here.
Far below me, outside the city walls, the gnarled Cornish oak overlooked the sea.
Dizziness swam in my mind, but as I looked out across the city, I knew what I needed to do to get sleep tonight.
* * *
My feet ached by the time I reached the tree, and I slid down beneath it. Already, I felt a little better.
The taste of salt hung in the air, and I pulled my sweater tighter around me. It was getting too cold to sleep outside, but I could still do it tonight.
Vaguely, I was aware that this was not something a queen would do, and Lyr would not approve. This was not regal behavior. No, this was very unseemly, sleeping outside like a vagrant. But surely hallucinations and delirium were not very regal, either.
Leaning against the bent tree, I already felt calmer. Its jagged boughs arched over me, shielding me, and I snuggled into my sweater.
Before letting my eyes close, I raised them to the evening star. His sharp, distant beauty pierced the sky. I hadn’t quite felt his magic as usual tonight, and it made me wonder if I was losing him. He was receding into the world of the gods, more remote than ever.
“Salem, you divine fucker.” At some point since meeting him, I’d dropped all my inhibitions about swearing. “Why did you let me fall in love with you?”
I sighed. I had to pull myself together. And what was there to be sad about when I had good friends and a beautiful island? I was meeting new people every day, and I liked most of them. My magic had been returned to me. I’d be fine. Ossian had lost his mate, too, and he carried the sadness with him always, but he went on.
I closed my eyes, tiredness overtaking me, and slowly drifted into the deepest sleep of my life. But when I dreamt, it was of falling. I was plummeting from the skies so fast I couldn’t breathe, racing through a void toward a terrible death.
I woke gasping, clutching my chest. I caught my breath, relieved to find I was on solid earth—still on the cliff, still beneath the tree.
But something felt wrong. Fundamentally wrong.
When Salem was with me, before my coronation, he’d said that he could feel I could become queen, as instinctively as he knew he was standing on the solid earth. And now, it was with that same sense of certainty I knew something was wrong with him. My bond to him told me he was in trouble.
I looked up to find him—the evening star. But instead of seeing him steady in the midnight skies, I saw a shooting star.
A god plummeting to Earth.
It was him. I was sure of it. He was falling again, and I could feel his agony.
Salem.
I needed to find him.
Salem
Terror ripped my mind open until I couldn’t remember my name, or words, or anything but the feel of rushing through a void. Wind whipped at my flesh—
Flesh. I was encased in blood and bones, and there was something wrong about that, wasn’t there?
I had a sense of danger, and vague thoughts about feathers, wings… But it was hard to think with the sensation of wind rushing over me and the darkness enveloping me. It had been so bright… I’d been in the heavens, hadn’t I? I’d been in light. In dusk. A god.
I had an impression that the rocky ground moving fast for me was dangerous, that it would hurt. Then the shocking, wild thought that I’d actually done this to myself, on purpose. There had been a very important reason why I had to leave the light, why I had to bring this pain upon myself. Something more important than my own safety.
The force of the impact seemed to shatter my bones, and the agony shot up my spine, my skull, through my limbs. Dust clouded around me, rocks collapsing on me as I broke through the earth’s crust. For a moment, I wondered if I was dying.
Flames erupted, scorching the rock around me. My fall had cratered the earth, and I seemed to have ripped through the ground, into a cave. The darkness terrified me.
Was I scared of the dark?
Fire erupted from my broken body, scorching more of the stone around me. I’d burn everything. This world of darkness was rotten, and I wanted to consume it all with my fires, with my appetites. I’d burn the darkness away. I was the bringer of light, and my torches would illuminate the whole world.
It was just that I couldn’t move.
Shattered, I lay under the ground and let my fires sear the earth.
I’d stay here forever, I thought. In my own little hell, gripped by hungers as awesome as the heavens.
* * *
In my underground cavern, I ran my hands over my muscles. I thought the bones had healed, mostly, but I couldn’t yet stand.
I had only one thing with me: a sword. Its name was the only word I could say. Lightbringer. It was the one word I could say out loud.
When I sniffed the air, I scented it—underneath the smoke and scorched rock. It was that perfect scent of wildflowers, of the sea. That was what I hungered for now, and I crawled toward it, driven by instinct.
She was what I’d come for, the only thing that mattered, and I moved for her on my knees across the rock. I left Lightbringer behind.
My desire for her overwhelmed all other thoughts, the chasm inside me yawning wider. Would she run from me, monster that I was? I couldn’t remember how to form words with my mouth, and my mind was a haze of need.
Light pierced one end of the cave. That was where I needed to go. That was where I’d find her. I inched forward on my broken legs. I wanted to consume her, to drag her into my cave with
me and never release her. I’d taste her, lick her, claim every inch of her body as mine.
Near the end of the tunnel, I forced myself to stand. I didn’t want her to see me crawling like an animal. I was a god, wasn’t I?
I couldn’t remember.
Was that why I felt this terrible, gnawing sense of loss? I let out a low, feral growl that reverberated off the cave walls.
The fall from the skies had ripped my mind into pieces, turning me into this.
When she came into view at the mouth of the cave, all the pain seemed to dissipate from my body. I rushed for her, grabbing her by the back of her neck, by her waist. I pressed my body against hers. Her beauty shocked me. Surely, she was divine as well—a goddess with full lips and high cheekbones and blue hair the color of the heavens.
She looked up at me, a small smile on her lips. “There you are,” she whispered.
The voice sounded familiar, like a distant song in my mind. Her arms were around my neck like she wanted me, and I never wanted to leave her. That void within me started to fill with a warmth. I was hungry for her, greedy for all of her.
My need to taste her gripped my mind. But her body was covered, and I needed to see it. Her dress was a thin fabric, easy to tear. I ripped the front open, exposing her perfect breasts, then I tore it off her hips. The lace underneath was even more delicate, and I ripped it in a single motion. I wasn’t entirely sure who she was, but I was sure she was mine, and I wanted to see all of her.
She was naked, and she pressed her body against me. I kissed her deeply, and her tongue swept against mine. That was it; she was my universe.
As she cupped the side of my face, my name came back to me—Salem.
She was moving against me, as hungry for me as I was for her. I pushed her up against the cave wall and lifted her legs around me. I wanted to fill her, and as I tasted her neck—a hint of salt on her skin—I remembered her name. Aenor.
We were Salem and Aenor, and we were all that was. I slid into her, and she gripped my hair, gasping. She was heaven.
We were the beginning and the end, and our love was eternal. This was where I belonged.
* * *
Aenor lay on top of me on the cave floor, catching her breath. I stroked her hair, delighted by the feel of her heart beating against my chest.
“You came back,” she said.
“I needed to see you.” I was shocked to hear that I could speak again, then certain that it was Aenor who’d already started to civilize me.
She looked up at me from under her dark eyelashes. “You know I didn’t mean what I said about you being a monster.”
“I know.”
“What about the divine order?” she asked. “What about being a god, Salem?”
I sighed, and it all started rushing back to me. The words, meaning. Why I was here. “For tens of thousands of years, I believed in one destiny. One goal. I wanted to become a god again.”
I paused as the rush of memories flooded my mind.
“When I first fell, it was as if my soul was ripped out of my body. I had an emptiness I couldn’t fill. After the wretched winter hag cursed me, I only became worse.” I stroked Aenor’s hair. It had grown a little tangled in the salty air, but I liked it that way. Wild. Imperfect. That was how I liked her.
“And what made you decide it would be better this time?” Aenor asked.
“I was incomplete because I hadn’t met you yet. All this time, I didn’t know what my real destiny was. I didn't know that you could make me feel again, that you could help turn me into the person I was supposed to be. As long as I feel whole, I’m not a beast. And you already changed me. I was stupid to think I could live without you—even as a god, even in the heavens—because I can’t. Leaving you was ripping my soul out all over again. It was falling again… but worse this time, because it was my own idiot fault.”
Her smile lit up her face. “But what about the divine order?”
“The gods are insane,” I said.
“What makes you say that? Your mom seemed totally normal to me, with her lion and tendency to leave buckets of blood behind.”
I smiled. “Just to be clear, I still loathe everything apart from you.”
She nodded. “Of course. Except your cat, and your cognac. And the colors of the sun when it sets, and the dawn chorus of birds, and twilight over the sea, and Ossian—”
“You’ve made your point, Aenor,” I said quietly.
She was right. I did like those things—but I’d come back for only one reason, and that was her.
I stroked her hair again. “So, Queen Aenor. Will I be your consort in Nova Ys?”
“No, my dear. I’m afraid you’re supposed to be dead, after I slit your throat. We’ll need a new plan.”
Aenor
Twilight spread its ginger mantle over the sky, and I sat beneath my Cornish oak. I closed my eyes, breathing in the scent of home. The days were growing shorter now, the air crisp with frost, and I pulled my wool coat tighter. Pretty soon, I’d have to give up my tree-sitting habit for a few months.
Ossian had grown bored of Nova Ys and returned to his home, but Gina had stuck around with me. She had declared a complete and utter lack of interest in returning to the human world. Who could blame her? With me around, she didn’t need to worry about money anymore.
I snuck a glance behind me, making sure there were no errant farmers or shopkeepers around. Today had been a litany of disputes about regulating the cost of silk and a controversy over boar-hunting boundaries in the eastern forest. I’d longed for the day to end.
Especially since the King of Mag Mell was coming for me. As darkness fell, I glimpsed his winged form in the sky, and I smiled.
I loved this—being at home in Nova Ys, getting nightly visits from my mate. But it couldn’t last this way. As long as I was sneaking around with Salem, I was betraying everyone in Nova Ys.
Salem swooped down, landing at the edge of the cliff. He looked perfect, as usual—dressed in a sleek black suit with a crisp white shirt underneath, his sword resting at his hip. His wings disappeared behind him, and his eyes danced with mischief as he looked at me. “I’ve come to defile the Queen of Nova Ys.”
I smiled up at him. “Come sit next to me. Tell me about your day.”
He slid down by my side, and I was delighted to see that his hair had been ruffled in the wind. So rare to see a hair out of place on him, but I liked seeing sides of him that no one else did.
“My day was entertaining.” He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against him. His heart beat against me. “We hung King Tethra’s body from the city gates, then threw a gala in the Court of Silks to celebrate. I suspect it turned into an orgy after I left. I wished you’d been there.”
“They’re not angry about me killing Richelle?”
“No, Aenor. They loathed Richelle. A puritanical ruler never wins the love of her people.”
“Ah, right.” I paused before beginning the spiel I’d practiced in my mind many times over the course of the day. “Salem… I can’t keep seeing you like this, sneaking around.”
He went rigid against me. “Many women have said that to me before, but never before did I care.”
“I just mean the sneaking part. It occurred to me that I’ve become exactly what the stories said. I’m sneaking around to have sex with a beautiful man and betraying my kingdom in the process. I am a lust-filled traitor.”
“And I like you that way. What are you proposing?”
“I’m proposing that I leave Nova Ys. At least as its sovereign. I can come back to visit.”
I felt him relax. “You don’t want to rule?”
I shook my head. “No, not at all. Honestly… being queen is a lot of paperwork, as it turns out. I have no experience in the relevant areas. The magistrates can’t stand me because I took their jobs, and they are completely right, because they should keep doing them. I serve basically no purpose here.
“And I understand now—Mama was into her s
pectacles. Sacrifices, executions. That was her role. It was all theater. She created threats and put on a big show of vanquishing them, and it must have been exciting for everyone. But that’s not me, and it’s peaceful here without all that.”
“You said you thought this was your home. I don’t want to take you from your home a second time.”
“And I want to come here and walk around the fields or sit by the cliffs, but I don’t need to rule Nova Ys.”
“Ahh. And what would you like to do? What is Aenor Dahut destined for, then?”
“I think I’m good at fighting bad guys. Killing dirtbags. That kind of thing.”
A smile played on his lips. “Well, Aenor. We have plenty of dirtbags in Mag Mell. The king included, though you’ll have to find other ways to control me besides ending my life.”
“I think that can be arranged. I’ll have you on your knees before me every night, attending to my needs.”
“I am at your command.” He kissed my neck, and heat bloomed in my core.
I ran my fingers through his hair, messing it up some more. “I think I should join you in Mag Mell. All I need is you.”
He kissed my throat again, tongue moving over my skin.
“And Gina, obviously,” I added. “And Ossian, because I’ve grown attached.”
“Fine.” Another kiss on my neck.
“And a Cornish oak by the seashore. Crooked, like this one.”
“I think that can be arranged.”
“I’d like to bake.”
A sly smile. “Are you still listing things?”
I couldn’t help but smile back at him. “A balcony to watch the sunset, because I’ve grown attached to that as well. It’s your best time of day. And Elvis records, hula hoops, and roller skates.”
“You’re absurd.”
“As are you, but we’re stuck with each other now. Because if I didn’t have you, I’d lose my mind. Without you, the night sky won’t let me sleep, and the dawn doesn’t give me dreams, and I would become absolutely deranged.”
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