Slowly We Trust

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  “Something like that. But she’s still so secretive. She’s got this big, thing, I guess and it’s driving me crazy. I mean, I wouldn’t care if she wasn’t so torn up about it. I can see her struggling with it and it just wrecks me that I can’t do anything to help.”

  Simon shook his head.

  “You are so gone on her. Do you remember when Kandy freaked out on you for not forgetting all your anniversaries?”

  I didn’t want to talk about my ex.

  “Well if she didn’t have so damn many of them. I mean, am I seriously required to remember the first time we went to second base? Or went to the movies together, or all that shit?”

  “Depends on the person. I bet you could remember when you did all that stuff with Audrey, couldn’t you?”

  “Not all of them.” All of them. Definitely. Probably down to the hour. Everything about my time with her was burned into my memory. I couldn’t forget it if I tried.

  “My point is that Audrey is your one-and-only. Either the two of you will end up married, or you’ll end up alone and never be able to love anyone else again.”

  “Wow, thanks for the pep talk, Coach. Really inspiring.” I punched him in the shoulder. He deserved it.

  “You’re still not getting my point. Some people fall in love a lot. Some people have a lot of “the one”s. But you, William, you’re a one and only kind of guy. You’ll only ever give your heart to one person, and you’ve been lucky enough to find her. So stop worrying about her secret and enjoy being in love. I’m enjoying watching you be in love. You look happy and it’s good to see.” We stopped walking and he gave me a quick pat on the back.

  “Thanks, I think. But I do need your advice.”

  “Lover, you always need my advice,” he said, giving me a look as two girls walked by, staring at us.

  “That’s the worst idea you’ve ever had, and I’ve been present for a lot of your bad decision-making,” Simon said as I told him about my plan to figure out Aud’s secret and then surprise her with not caring.

  “But it would save her telling me and that would just make everything better. I can’t believe you think this is a bad idea,” I said, serving the ball. Simon was on his game today, and was beating me soundly.

  He volleyed back and I missed.

  “No, no, no. I might be of the gay persuasion, but I know women don’t think that way.”

  “That’s such a sexist thing to say, that women are just a bunch of people who all think the same way.” Simon snorted and took a swig from his water bottle. I’d had plenty of lectures on feminism from my sister, and even if I hadn’t, I hated it when people acted like women had some sort of herd mentality. Men, on the other hand . . .

  “Whatever you say, but I can tell you that our girl Audrey will not see it that way. So I’d just stop with that little plan right now and get out with your testicles intact.” That was a bit dramatic. Right?

  “So what the hell do I do?” He shrugged.

  “Don’t know, bro. That’s a tough one. I don’t feel qualified to give advice on this one.” Now it was my turn to snort.

  “Are you kidding? You live for giving advice. And organizing things.”

  “Be that as it may, or may not, I’m not telling you what to do. But I will be here to say ‘I told you so’ when this plan blows up in your face.” He tossed a ball at me. “Your serve.”

  “You are so unhelpful,” I said, slamming my racket down on the ball to give it some topspin. Simon volleyed it back with ease. I was barely able to return it and then he slammed his racket on the ball, making it hit just inside the line.

  “I win.”

  Okay, so maybe Trish wasn’t the best person to pick for this excursion, but I couldn’t take Lottie because she would tell Will, and I didn’t know if Katie would be able to keep this from Lottie, so Trish was the best choice of friend who could keep her mouth shut.

  “So why are we doing this?”

  “Because I need a phone and I can’t go with Will. He asks too many questions.” Because the phone reminded me of everything I was trying to hide. She just nodded and turned the truck on and didn’t ask any more questions.

  “So, how’s things with Max?” Making small talk with Trish was sometimes a chore. She had a bad case of resting bitch face and a constant pissed-off energy that she didn’t seem to notice she was giving off.

  “Good. How’s everything with you and golden boy?” The nickname made me giggle.

  “He’s getting nosy, and I don’t know what to do about it.” Trish thought about that for a while before she answered.

  “You’ve got to decide what you can live with: telling him the truth, or living with the lie. It’s that simple.”

  “I’m used to living with the lie. It’s what I know. In a weird way, it’s comfortable for me.” Trish nodded.

  “Exactly. That’s what people don’t understand about secrets. If you’ve been keeping them for a long time, it’s almost impossible to think about setting them free. But is it worth it?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well, figure it out, bitch.” She said it with a smile.

  “How about this one?” Trish said, pointing to a phone that didn’t look like it would slide into the average back pocket. “If you go blind, you’ll still be able to use it.” I shushed her and looked around to make sure no one else in the store had heard her.

  A sales guy came over and asked if he could help us. I cut Trish off before she could snark at him and explained the situation. I actually had my old phone with me, but I hadn’t paid extra for the replacement program, so I was out of luck in just getting it replaced. It was so old, I didn’t think they even made that model anymore.

  After a lot of sales pitches and mumbo jumbo about which phone was the best, I finally picked one and was able to pay for it and get out of the store before Trish said something that made them throw us out.

  “You’re going to become one of those hipster robots now,” Trish commented on my phone choice. I couldn’t help it that the best deal was the most popular phone.

  “Look, I’ve got bigger problems than a phone, Trish,” I said, my tone a little snappish.

  “Yeah, yeah. That’s what I’ve learned in life. We all have shit to deal with and you have no idea about what the person standing next to you is going through.” She was having one of her moments of wisdom again. Getting advice from Trish was like using a cursing Magic 8 Ball.

  “I know, I know.” I made a quick trip to get some lingerie, and Trish threatened me with bodily harm if I took more than fifteen minutes to pick something out.

  Phone and lingerie acquired, we headed to the food court and I was in line to get a slice of pizza when the guy in front of me turned around and did a double take.

  “Audrey!” Shit, shit, shit. What was Eddie doing here? I swallowed my moment of panic and put another fake smile on my face. I was getting better at smiling when I didn’t want to.

  “Hi, Eddie. Small world.” You could say that again.

  “Yeah, definitely. I’m sorry we didn’t have more of a chance to talk at the party.” I wasn’t.

  “Yeah, I ended up leaving early. I didn’t feel that great,” I said, the lie slipping easily from my tongue.

  “That sucks. Hey, I’d love to get together and catch up sometime. I’m with someone right now, but maybe soon?” His eyes flicked over to one of the tables in the food court and I glanced and saw a pretty blonde sitting there, as if she was waiting for him.

  “Oh, yeah, we should do that.” He grinned and took his plate of pizza and asked the guy behind the counter for a pen.

  “Here’s my number,” he said, pushing up my sleeve and writing on my arm. I almost pulled away, but people were staring. “That way the ball is in your court. Call me.” He gave me one last wink and left.

  The guy behind the counter just gaped at me and then gave me a grin.

  “What can I get for you?”

  “You look like you just saw a zombie,” T
rish said when I sat down with my pizza. I definitely wasn’t hungry anymore.

  “Not quite.”

  “Okay, spill. What happened?” I stared at my slice of pepperoni and green pepper.

  “There’s this guy. Let’s just say that he and I have a history that I’d rather forget and I just ran into him. He doesn’t go to DU, but I keep seeing him around.”

  “Oh, that guy you saw at the party? What was his name again?” She dug into her giant vat of nachos with everything on them.

  “Eddie.”

  “Right. He looked like a douchecanoe.” Against my will, I laughed. I couldn’t help it.

  “He’s not, really. A little self-centered, but he’s not a bad guy. He’s not a bad guy.” I don’t know why I said it again.

  “Hm. Sounds like an interesting history.”

  I picked up my pizza and took a bite, even though I couldn’t taste it. I didn’t want Trish to see how wrecked seeing Eddie made me. “One I’d rather leave in the past, but it doesn’t seem to want to stay there.”

  “Things never stay where you put them.” I hated how ominous that sounded.

  When Audrey modeled the little pink lacy bits of fabric for me that night back at her place, it was all I could do to not rip the thing off her.

  “It looks good on the floor, doesn’t it?” she said, glancing at the lingerie on her floor.

  “Definitely,” I said. “Hey, what’s this?” I said, noticing some faded writing on her arm. It looked kind of like a phone number.

  “Oh, it’s nothing,” she said, taking her arm back and then pulling the covers over herself.

  “No, it’s not nothing, because you would have told me what it was. Seriously, Aud, enough with the secrets.” I was trying not to be an asshole, but enough was enough. Now she was lying about writing on her arm?

  “Okay, fine. I ran into that guy, Eddie, from the party, while I was shopping today and he decided that we should catch up, so he wrote his number on my arm. I tried to wash it off because it wasn’t a big deal. I’m not going to call him.” Clearly she was irritated, but I didn’t know if it was at me, or at the situation with Eddie.

  “I wish I would have been with you. I could have set him straight.”

  She rolled her eyes.

  “You don’t have to protect me. I took care of it myself. And he’s not a bad guy.”

  “He sounds like an asshole if he’s just willing to just grab any girl’s arm and write his number on it. What’s your history with him, anyway?”

  She sat up and turned her naked back to me. That was as clear a signal as I’d ever seen from her.

  “I told you already. I had a crush on him once. That was all.”

  “Seems like now he’s the one crushing on you,” I said, putting my arms around her and pulling her back down with me.

  “He had another girl with him. I’m sure he just wants to talk about high school or something.” “Or something” was right.

  “Sure, Aud. Sure.” I kissed her forehead and ran my hands through her hair. I hoped she never cut it. I just wanted it to grow and grow until it was all down her back. Hell, I’d even learn how to braid if it meant I could touch her hair more often.

  “You don’t sound convinced,” she said.

  “I’m not. Because I find it impossible to believe that any guy would not be into you. Have you seen you?” That earned me another eye roll. “I'm not just saying that because I love you. People are always staring at you. Do you not notice that?”

  She shook her head.

  “I guess not. Or maybe I ignore it.” That made sense. She put up a lot of walls between herself and other people. She might have broken down a couple of them for me, but they were still up for most people.

  “It’s not a big deal, Aud. I’m not going to go caveman and beat some guy for hitting on my woman. You’re right that you can take care of yourself. I just would have enjoyed seeing his face if I had come over and given you a kiss.”

  “He might have given me the number anyway.”

  “Well, then I might have gotten a little cavemanish. A guy can only take so much.”

  “Shut up,” she said, smacking me in the chest. No matter what woman I had in my life, she was always hitting me.

  On Monday I was leaving English class with Lottie and Tyler when a woman walked briskly into the room and spoke with Mr. Halloway.

  “Audrey? Can you come here for a moment?” He crooked his finger at me and my stomach dropped. It was probably nothing. Maybe a glitch on my transcript.

  “I’ll catch up with you later,” I said to Lottie and Tyler, who were watching me with concerned expressions on their faces.

  “Good luck,” Lottie said and Tyler waved at me.

  “Is something wrong?” I said, approaching Mr. Halloway’s desk. The woman looked vaguely familiar.

  “Yes, in fact. Your parents have been worried sick about you, Audrey. They called the Dean’s office and left messages this weekend and then again this morning. I’ve been trying to track you down.”

  My mouth went dry and my heart felt like it was going to stop any moment.

  “My phone. It broke.” I could only summon those four words.

  “Well, you should contact them immediately. Your mother was very upset.” She sounded like she was a second away from sending me to the principal’s office, or giving me a detention.

  “I’ll call them.”

  “Good. I don’t want to have to do this again. Have a nice day.” She spun on her heel and marched out of the room.

  Mr. Halloway looked from the woman from the Dean’s office to me and back.

  “Strict parents?”

  “What?” Mr. Halloway repeated himself.

  “Um, something like that. I should probably go and call them.” I turned away from him, completely embarrassed.

  “Audrey.” I couldn’t help the way my insides quivered at the way he pronounced my name.

  “Yes?” I turned back around and hoped my face wasn’t still red.

  “If you need to talk, my office door is always open. It’s just down the hall, and I’m only a phone call away. My office phone number is on the syllabus.”

  “Thanks. I really appreciate that.” I wouldn’t dream of availing myself of his office number, but I might call it and see if I could get his answering machine, just to listen to his voice.

  “Anytime.” He gave me a smile and I turned back around and walked down the hall to a quiet corner so I could call my mom.

  My hands were shaking as I held up my new phone and hit Dial.

  I didn’t make it to the rest of my classes. It took all my effort to even get off the floor after I talked to my mother and walk back to my room.

  I fell on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. Insignificant details fluttered through my mind, in and out. Was that a water stain up there? Why had I never noticed that? And who was playing the guitar? Was it the person next door or two doors down?

  Inane thoughts. Those were the only ones I could think at the moment. The rest of my mind had gone. Run away. Abandoned me in my hour of need.

  My phone kept going off, but I couldn’t move to silence it. I wondered if I was in shock. Probably.

  Even a knock at my door couldn’t get me out of my current state. Not even someone calling my name over and over.

  Finally, someone burst through the door.

  “Aud? Aud?” Will’s face blocked my view of the ceiling. “Are you okay? You never showed up for lunch and I just had this feeling. Aud? Look at me.” I was looking at him. I couldn’t help but look at him. He was all I could see. He put both hands on either side of my face and stared into my eyes.

  “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s happening. Please, Audrey.” I still couldn’t find it in myself to move or speak. All I could do was breathe and wait for something to happen.

  Will looked away from me and spoke to someone over his shoulder.

  “I don’t know what’s wrong with her.” Another f
ace joined his in my line of vision.

  “Hey, Aud. Are you okay? My brother here is really worried about you. Do you think you could say something to us?”

  I tried to find my voice but it was lost. Lost like the rest of my brain. I searched and tried to find them both, but they were gone far away. Out of reach.

  “I think we need to call someone. I think she’s in shock,” Lottie said. “Or maybe we should slap her or something. They do that in movies. You know, snap her out of it.”

  “You’re not slapping her, Lot. That’s ridiculous. She just needs a second to get out of it. She’s just . . .” I didn’t know what I was just.

  “Can you blink for me, Aud? One blink for yes, two for no. Are you okay?” What a question. I knew I wasn’t okay, but I didn’t want him calling someone else. So I blinked once.

  “Okay, good. That’s good. Did something happen?” Another loaded question. I blinked once again.

  “What happened, Aud? Tell me.”

  I opened my mouth and tried.

  I was scared shitless. The last time I remembered being this scared was when Lottie broke her leg sledding and I thought she’d died.

  But now Aud was in some sort of state and I didn’t know how to reach her, or what to do, or how to fix it. I just wanted to fucking fix it.

  “I can’t,” were the first words that came out, but I was just so relieved she was speaking that I didn’t care what she was saying. I gathered her into my arms and held her hard. Probably too hard. Maybe enough to suffocate her.

  “It’s okay, it’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay. I promise you, Aud. Everything’s going to be okay.” I was almost shaking, but at least she was talking.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. Over and over. And then I felt her body start to shake and sobs rip from her mouth. It was one of the most horrible sounds I’d ever heard. Like she was being ripped apart.

  I just held her harder as Lottie looked on, her hands fluttering around us, because she didn’t know what to do to help.