Slowly We Trust

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  “I bet you always got what you wanted,” she said, twisting some of my hair around her finger.

  “I had a twin sister and our birthdays were on Christmas. I never got what I wanted. Lottie always did. I claimed it was a conspiracy against me, but I was overruled. As usual. You don’t argue with my mother and win. She should have been a lawyer, honestly. My dad just agrees with whatever she says. I always thought he was a wuss for not standing up to her, but now that I’m with you, I know exactly why he didn’t. He couldn’t. She wore the pants.”

  “I wear the pants?” he asked.

  I nodded.

  “You wear the pants, Aud. But I get to take them off you.”

  “That sounds fair. I’m okay with wearing the pants.”

  We started trading stories about our birthdays and I felt bad for telling her about mine. They hadn’t seemed like anything spectacular at the time, but compared to hers, they were heaven, and suddenly, I knew what to get her for Valentine’s Day.

  “Okay, if you could have a birthday party do-over, what would you do?” She thought about that, her hand absentmindedly stroking my arm.

  “I always wanted to go roller skating. A few girls from my class had roller skating parties and they’d never invite me, but I’d hear about them at school and they always sounded amazing. They’d have cool lights, and pizza and cake and games and they’d do the Chicken Dance. It sounds so childish and silly now, but I always hoped that my parents would surprise me with one.”

  That didn’t sound silly or childish at all. It sounded like a wish that I was going to fulfill. She was going to get the best damn roller skating party I could put together. I’d have to call Lottie and get her to help me set it up. She’d definitely be game, but I couldn’t tell her why I was doing this for Aud. The words we exchanged tonight, in this bed, were sacred. I would never share them with anyone, as long as I lived.

  “What was your dream party?” she asked, interrupting my mental planning.

  “Well first of all, I always wished my birthday was in the summer, so everyone was out of school and it could last for a while. I really wanted to go camping in the woods. Tents, fishing, hiking, the whole nine yards. Lottie wouldn’t have gone for it, and we always had a joint party. And besides, you can’t let a bunch of kids go camping in the middle of the winter. It would have been awesome, though. Building a fire and telling scary stories and sleeping under the stars.”

  “It sounds so sweet.”

  “I guess.” I would have been embarrassed to tell anyone else about my secret birthday wish, but not Aud.

  “You wanna know something stupid?” I said, feeling bold.

  “Sure.”

  “The first time I met you, I was so scared of you that I thought you were never going to speak to me again.”

  She laughed.

  “You were kind of an idiot. Charming, but an idiot. I totally had you pinned as a typical meathead jock, but I knew if you were Lottie’s brother that you couldn’t be all bad. And I couldn’t stop thinking about you after that day. I didn’t know why I was thinking about you, but I couldn’t help it.”

  “Have you ever thought that I’m still an idiot, and you’ve just gotten used to it?” That made her really laugh, shoulders shaking and her chest jiggling in a very sexy way.

  “Maybe. Maybe my idiot tolerance level has been raised.” I scooted down and kissed her bare stomach. I’d forgotten about her scar. I didn’t really even notice it anymore.

  “What’s this from?” I traced the line and she tensed up. “I told you, I don’t care about it. I’m just curious.”

  “You’re the only one who’s ever seen it,” she said. “I mean, besides, you know. Medical people.”

  “So what’s it from?”

  “I had surgery. It was traumatic, and I don’t want to remember it. That’s why I don’t talk about it.”

  I guess I could understand that. I’d never had surgery. Broken plenty of bones, but never had to have anything done. Lottie hadn’t either. We’d been relatively healthy growing up, except for being born early, as most twins were.

  I kissed all along her scar and she was still tense, but I hoped she’d relax the more I did it.

  “Well, you don’t have to talk about it. It doesn’t matter. Let’s talk about something else.” Her body lost its rigidity and she started telling me a story about winning a spelling bee.

  It wasn’t a lie to tell Will I’d had surgery. I just didn’t specify what kind of surgery it was.

  I didn’t hear from Eddie for three days. My mom called every day and asked me if I’d heard from him, and when I said no, she’d hang up without saying anything further.

  I was going to give him a week to get back to me before I tried contacting him again. During our initial email conversation when we’d set up the meeting, he’d given me his cell phone number. He was probably regretting that now.

  I half expected him to call me and yell at me, or show up at my dorm room, or do something else to get back at me. I almost wanted him to. I should have told him. After all, she was his daughter too. I’d never really seen it that way until now. That she was half his.

  Emily.

  I’d gotten to pick out her name. The only thing, other than life, that I’d given her.

  Her last name was Perez, since legally her parents were my aunt Maria and her husband, Leo. I didn’t even know what she looked like. I had only a very hazy memory of her as she was taken away from the OR after the doctors pulled her from my body, due to her being breech. I thought it would be easier if I didn’t see her. That somehow she wouldn’t exist. But I would always have the scar on my stomach.

  My distraction was making my school work suffer, and for the first time, I couldn’t find it in myself to care. I wasn’t failing by any means, but my GPA was definitely taking a hit.

  Mr. Halloway watched me during class and even Tyler asked me if I was okay.

  “Fine. Just distracted.”

  “You’ve been distracted a lot,” he said as we walked as fast as we could to the next building, trying to stay as warm as possible.

  “I know. I’ve been hearing that a lot lately,” I said, rubbing my hands on my arms as we thawed out in the lobby of the History building.

  “I’m sure you’ve probably heard this before, but if you need someone to talk to, I volunteer.” He grinned up at me and winked at a girl that walked by. I didn’t know if he had a girlfriend, but it seemed like he must. He had so much confidence.

  “Thanks, I appreciate it, but get in line. I’ve got so many people who want me to talk to them, I should sell tickets and make it a one-woman show.” He laughed and I flexed my fingers. “Ready to go?” He nodded and we ran as fast as we could to the next building. Getting to class was an ordeal in the winter.

  “Well, I would buy a ticket to that show, in any case,” Tyler said before we parted company to head to our separate classes.

  “I’ll let you know,” I said and he waved at me before dashing to the next building.

  My phone rang in the middle of the night on Friday. Will and I had gone to bed early, mostly because he was a little under the weather and seemed to need extra cuddling. I groped for my phone in the dark and recognized the number as Eddie’s.

  “Who’s it?” Will mumbled.

  “It’s nothing. Go to sleep.” He moaned and turned over as I threw a shirt on and dashed out into the hallway.

  “Hello?” I whispered.

  “I want to see her,” he said by way of a greeting.

  “What?”

  “My daughter. I want to see her. I have the right to see her and make sure she’s okay.” I didn’t think this would be his reaction. I thought he would tell me it was my problem and he wasn’t dealing with it. Instead, he’d gone the opposite route.

  Legally, since he wasn’t on the birth certificate and I’d never requested a paternity test, and Emily had been adopted, he didn’t have any rights. But if he wanted to fight, he could take us to court.
Or take my aunt to court, but I’d definitely be involved. I didn’t want that, and I didn’t think Maria would want that either.

  “Okay, calm down for a second. Let’s just talk this out.”

  “You don’t get to tell me to be calm. You don’t say anything and then one day, bam, I have a daughter. You can’t just do shit like that to people. You can’t just do that!” He was getting upset and I had to find a way to calm him down. I moved away from my dorm and headed down the hall to a little study room that had a door I could close so no one else heard what I was saying.

  It was blessedly empty, so I sat down at one of the rickety chairs and tried to keep my voice steady.

  “I’m so sorry, Eddie. But it’s the middle of the night and I don’t have custody of Emily. My aunt does. So all the decisions are hers. I’ll have to call her and talk with her, but I can’t do that right now because I might disturb Emily and she needs all the rest she can get.” It was the only thing we could do for her until we found a match.

  I could hear him pacing.

  “Do you want to meet tomorrow so we can talk? Then I can call my aunt and ask her.” I didn’t want to put Maria in that situation, but I didn’t have a choice. We needed to know if he was a compatible donor for Emily.

  “Okay, okay. Tomorrow. But you’d better be there.”

  “I will, I promise. What time is good for you?” We set a time and decided to meet at a restaurant off campus, which meant I was going to have to ask Trish for a ride again.

  I finally hung up. That was a longer conversation than I thought. I hoped Will was still sacked out and not wondering where I was.

  I tiptoed back to my room and crawled back into bed with the still-sleeping Will. He snored a little because of his stuffed-up nose. Poor thing. He was so convinced he wasn’t getting sick, but he definitely was.

  I watched his face in the dark for a while. I couldn’t lose him.

  Aud had another errand to run with Trish the next day, and I had the feeling it had something to do with Valentine’s Day, given how weird she was being about it. I tried not to be excited and speculate on what she would do for me. I knew it would be something awesome and would probably blow my roller skating idea out of the water.

  While Aud was with Trish, I headed to Lottie and Zan’s to work on my own surprise.

  “A roller skating party? With balloons and a disco ball and cheesy music from the 70s?” Lottie said, stealing a cookie from the plate she’d put out.

  “Yeah. That’s what I want to do for her. The cheesier, the better. You wanna help me?” She munched the cookie and looked thoughtful.

  “Sure, why not. You’re going to do it with or without me, so I might as well help you make it as awesome as possible.”

  That was why I wanted her help. She’d think of details that I probably wouldn’t. She was good at that kind of stuff.

  “So what are you doing for Zan?” He was upstairs with Stryker, and judging from the sounds coming from the hallway, they were working on a new song.

  “I’m giving him blow job coupons,” she said, picking up another cookie. If I didn’t grab a few, she was going to eat them all. I always wondered how she could eat nearly as much as I did even though I was so much taller.

  “That’s disgusting, Lot. I did not need to know that.”

  She smacked me.

  “I’m giving him a bunch of things. Some records he doesn’t have, a framed picture of his favorite poem and then I’m going to kidnap him and sneak him up to his parents’ cabin. It was the place where we first . . . you know.” Yes, I did. I’d known they’d had sex without her even telling me. One of the downsides of being a twin. You knew things you really didn’t want to. Especially when your twin was a girl.

  “Sounds nice. You have any idea what he’s getting for you?”

  “No. And I’ve tried. That boy is like a clam with a pearl. I mean, he’s had a lot of practice holding secrets in, so this is just old hat for him. The bastard.” She was smiling though.

  “I just hope she likes it. I have this fear that we’re going to get there, I’ll tell her what we’re doing, and then she’ll just have a blank face and thank me in that voice that I know is fake.”

  “Aud would never do that,” Lottie said, taking the last cookie and shoving it in her mouth before I realized it was gone.

  “No, she wouldn’t. She’d lie to me and tell me she loved it and I’d probably believe her because I want her to like it so much.” That was definitely what was going to happen.

  “Anyway, I wish we didn’t have to make a big deal out of this holiday, but society’s told us we have to. And it’s kinda nice to get presents. Zan and I don’t really do the anniversary thing, so other than birthdays, this is the only thing we celebrate.” Aud’s birthday wasn’t until this summer, so I had plenty of time to plan for that. I was hoping we could do our Universal trip right around then, and combine her Christmas present with a birthday present. That would really blow her mind.

  “You guys are good? The living together going well?” It was weird checking in with Lottie. Now that we didn’t live in the same building, I saw her less and less.

  “Yes, we’re good. Very good. I know Mom’s still pissed at me for being so ‘young and impulsive’ but I just told her she shouldn’t have given me all those books with strong female role models.” I snorted.

  “What did she say to that?”

  “Nothing. But I could feel The Look through the phone.” Oh, The Look. It was one of those things women learned in secret. Someday Lottie would have it. And maybe Aud.

  “Hey, I’m just glad you’re taking the heat off me. For so many years, I was the bad one and now you’re making up for it,” I said.

  She leaned back on the couch and put her feet in my lap. I normally would have pushed them away, but I just left them there.

  “Wanna watch cartoons? Our cable just added a new channel with vintage cartoons. Otherwise known as the cartoons we used to watch growing up. We’re officially old.” That was kind of depressing.

  “Yeah, sure.” She turned on the television and flipped to the right channel.

  “I miss being a kid,” she said, sighing.

  “Me too.”

  “Being an adult sucks. Except for the sex. And being able to stay up late and eat ice cream for breakfast.”

  “And the driving. And being able to buy lottery tickets and swearing,” I said.

  “Other than that, being an adult sucks.”

  “It does.”

  Eddie was waiting for me when Trish dropped me off at the restaurant. It was a chain, with vintage movie posters on the wall, and servers who were decked out in all manner of pins and buttons.

  “Hi, Eddie,” I said, sitting down. His eyes darted around the room, and the bags under them were evidence that he hadn’t slept at all last night.

  His hands twitched on the table as I looked across at him.

  “I want to see my daughter,” he said.

  “I know, I know. How about we get something to eat and we can talk?” A waitress came over with a bright smile on her face. She probably thought we were on a date. I felt sorry for her. She was definitely going to get a big tip.

  Eddie just shook his head as the waitress greeted us and handed over some menus.

  “I’ll have a water, thanks,” I said.

  “And for you?” She turned to Eddie.

  “Water,” he grunted.

  “Okay, I’ll just give you a few minutes,” she said, her smile faltering a tiny bit as she scurried off to get our drinks. I looked down at the menu instead of looking at Eddie. It was easier.

  “You’re not hearing me. You’re just not hearing me.” He kept muttering under his breath. I should have had Trish come with me. She’d offered to stay, not even knowing what she she’d be getting herself into. But then I’d have to tell her everything and I wasn’t ready for that.

  “It’s okay, it’s okay.” I reached my hands across the table and tried to take his, bu
t he flinched away from me.

  “I just can’t believe that you’d do that to me.”

  “I know. I know.” I felt like a very broken and battered record, saying the same things over and over.

  “There’s nothing I can say to change what’s happened. I didn’t think you’d want to know, or want to be part of her life, that’s why I didn’t tell you. I never thought you’d want to be a part of this.” I honestly hadn’t.

  “That wasn’t your decision to make,” he hissed at me.

  “I know. I know.” The waitress came back with our waters and asked if we were ready to order. I told her to give us a few minutes. Maybe this wasn’t the best place to meet. I should have picked someplace more quiet.

  “Eddie. I’m going to call my aunt, okay? Just hold on.” I got up from the table and found Maria’s number in my contacts. I just hoped she was able to answer.

  “Audrey,” she said, picking up on the second ring. “Where the hell have you been?”

  “I’m . . . I’m sorry,” I said, walking into the entryway of the restaurant so I could have at least the semblance of privacy.

  “You should be sorry. I’ve been trying to get in touch with you. Why haven’t you called me back?”

  “I don’t know.” I wanted to cry, but my eyes didn’t seem to want to. “I just didn’t know what was going on.”

  Maria sighed.

  “Well, you would have if you’d picked up your phone when I called. You know I wouldn’t contact you unless it was an emergency.”

  “How is she?” I said, my voice quiet.

  “She’s a trooper. You wouldn’t even know she was sick.” But she is. Maria didn’t have to say the words out loud for me to know we were both thinking them.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not your fault, Audrey. These things happen. It’s nothing you did, or caused to happen. But it did happen and now we have to make the best of it, right?” I missed Maria. When she’d taken Emily from me, I’d lost contact with one of the only family members who I liked.