The Gentleman Incubus

by E. M. Hardy

  “Ynnie,” Glenn hissed out through clenched teeth. “Can you… can you call an ambulance? I don’t think I’m going to last too long if I continue bleeding out like this.”

  Ynnistoria: Do not worry, Glenn. I have this under control.

  He was just about to voice his protests, his worries about the spurting blood indicating a severed artery, when the torn flesh around his wounds started knitting itself closed.

  “Woah,” he blurted out stupidly as he stared wide-eyed at his healing body. “I didn’t know I could regenerate.”

  Ynnistoria: The perks of your demonic nature, Glenn. Your Life Points are not just arbitrary numbers. They are a reflection of your ability to assert and reassert your existence in the physical plane. I am using your reserves of Life Points to repair the physical damage caused by the needles as well as the poison contained within those needles.

  “Poison? The light needles were poisoned?”

  Ynnistoria: Anything divine in nature is toxic to our kind—I mean, your kind, Glenn.

  Inasha groaned out loud, and Glenn flinched as she gingerly picked herself up off the floor.

  “Owww.” She rubbed her eyes with her wrist, the bright red orbs coming out swollen after being chafed by the armor. She blinked a few times, then turned to Glenn with a scowl. She raised her fingers up, apparently preparing to draw more glyphs in the air. She paused for a moment and scowled even deeper before wiping a palm at the empty air in front of her.

  “Know this, Glenn Olson: my mind, body, and armor have weathered mental assaults that would reduce a lesser hunter into a babbling pile of tears and screams. I stand head and shoulders above the other heroic hunters when it comes to the arts of the mind and psyche. I have fought my fair share of Primes—Lust Demons, Terror Demons, Gloom Demons alike—and I have always come out victorious.”

  Inasha’s facial features squeezed tight, as if she had just swallowed something very offensive to the palate. “This is the first time that a mere ward has pierced my defenses to the point of knocking me unconscious.”

  She hovered around Glenn, who fidgeted nervously under the intense scrutiny. She continued scowling as she leaned in, staring intensely at his head as if she could see through it. She very well could, since he had no idea what she could do. She finally relented, huffing in annoyance as she sat back down on a chair with a huff.

  “Yes, I think I’ll be keeping you alive.”

  He exhaled in relief at her declaration, right before unease settled inside his gut. “Um, please don’t think I’m ungrateful… but why are you going to keep me alive?”

  Inasha clinched the bridge of her nose, before releasing an explosive sigh followed by a lighthearted chuckle. Her levity put Glenn somewhat at ease, since it meant that she wasn’t going to blame him for whatever happened to her.

  “One: you don’t seem to present any clear and present danger to those around you. I believe you’re safe enough to leave alone, at least as you are right now.

  “Two: we Hunters like to believe we know everything about demonkind, but we don’t often come across demons that are open to conversing with us. I’d especially like to know more about that ward wrapping its nasty tendrils around your head.

  “And three: I need some help understanding your world.”

  Glenn nodded along as she explained, but found himself inclining his head at her third and final point. “Aren’t you cooperating with the government? I mean, I’m pretty sure the confeds would give you everything you need if you just ask nicely—especially since there are demons running amok out there.”

  Inasha shook her head sadly even before Glenn finished explaining himself. “The information your leaders and their subordinates provides is useful, no doubt about that. My real problem, however, is that every single person I’ve talked to in your leadership is a lying sack of turd.”

  She raised a finger, revealing what Glenn was quickly recognizing as a truth glyph. “I keep this running whenever I talk to representatives from your leadership, and it goes black the minute they open their mouths. Your world is built on lies, Glenn Olson, and your people have learned to embrace lies as a matter of fact because you have no way of discerning the truth.”

  She shuddered, her eyes creased in worry. “The truly distressing thing about it is that your people are shockingly good at covering it up. I once prided myself in being able to see through the machinations of the kings and queens of Amaria even without employing a truth glyph. Here though, I would not even suspect a thing without the aid of a glyph telling me if the person I’m talking to is lying or not.

  “You are, surprisingly enough, the first person that has not lied to me so far—and coming from a friendly demon, no less.” She grinned and broke into a chuckle. “Never thought those words would come out of my mouth.”

  She quickly straightened up, however, and stared at Glenn as she continued. “So let’s do it this way: I am going to keep a very close eye on you. I am going to study you, learn what I can about demonkind from you. I’m going to ask you questions about your world, about the way a regular citizen experiences it, and you’re going to answer as honestly as you can.

  “In exchange, I’m going to keep quiet about your existence to the other hunters and to the authorities of your world.”

  Glenn was just about to nod, express his gratitude, when a disturbing thought gave him pause. “Wait, are you blackmailing me?”

  Inasha just laughed out loud. “No, you idiot, I’m protecting you. The hunters as a whole don’t share my views on learning more about demonkind. To most of my brothers and sisters, the only good demon is a dead demon. They are more fervent to the cause, not as curious as I am when it comes to understanding the mind of our enemy. This is why they’d rather kill you now and study your corpse later rather than try talking to you. And your own leadership? Oh, they’re absolutely desperate for information about demonkind, and they’ve expressed a great deal of willingness to do some rather brutal things to get what they want.”

  Glenn gulped, nodding weakly at Inasha’s revelations. The confeds weren’t outright evil, but neither were they known for their kindness and compassion. And she was right—they would go to any lengths possible to shut down the demons invading their borders.

  Inasha then grimaced when the rune floating in the air began flickering out. She growled to herself as she reached for her belt, withdrew a vial from one of its buttoned pockets, and popped off its top before chugging down its contents. “Your world is also distressingly lacking in mana,” she said as she used a finger to wipe the last remnants of the potion from her lips. “I can’t even pull a single drop of power from the air, and that’ll be a problem for me and the other hunters in the long run.”

  She placed the vial in her belt, buttoning it up before turning to face Glenn. “That’s another reason why I want to talk to you—where, exactly, do you demons pull your powers from?”

  Glenn mulled the question over for an instant, wondering for himself how demons worked their powers, when a small blip on his HUD caught his attention.

  Ynnistoria: Be careful, Glenn. Don’t trust everything the hunter says. We’re still not sure if she’s being honest with you, meaning what she says, or if she’s just pumping you for information. For all we know, she might just decide to end you as soon as she’s done… oh you blessed stupid machine!

  ImmerCorp Anti-Malware Shield has detected anomalous behavior! Please wait a moment while we clear that up for you!

  Ynnistoria: Good afternoon, Glenn. Here’s the most recent headline that may be relevant to your current interests:

  Incidences of swindling up by 16% in Wake of President Stetmann’s Surprise Announcement!

  The Confederate government declared today that it has not licensed any anti-demon charms nor has it released any demon-repellant sprays at this time. If you encounter someone offering anti-demon products or services, report them immediately
to your nearest police station.

  … … … … … … … … … … …

  ImmerCorp Anti-Malware scan completed! Anomalous behavior confirmed as a false positive. We apologize for the inconvenience!

  Glenn gulped at the rather clear message Ynnistoria was trying to tell him: don’t trust Inasha. Like him, his digital assistant faced her own limitations and used this roundabout method to warn him about loose lips.

  And that’s when he remembered Inasha’s truth glyph.

  “Before I answer that question,” he responded after a few moments of thought. “Are you serious about protecting me? Or at least, not killing me right away when you’re done pumping me for information?”

  Glenn could practically feel his digital assistant oozing disapproval through his synaptic implant. He could just imagine her slapping a palm on her non-existent face, groaning in disgust at his pathetically straightforward method of interrogating the hunter.

  He stuttered for a moment before lamely following it up with a sheepish add-on. “I mean, you have a spell that lets you see if I’m lying, but I don’t have something like that on me.”

  Inasha just stared at Glenn before bursting out in laughter. “Oh, Glenn. You are just a delightfully sweet little thing, aren’t you?”

  She laughed for a few more seconds before shaking her head, still smiling as her fingers twitched in the air. The glyph’s lines reversed themselves, creating a mirror-image of their initial outline, as Inasha sat straight with one closed fist over her chest.

  “Glenn Olson. I, Inasha Pridestar, swear to do everything in my power to protect you and your secret identity as a demon. I proclaim this in exchange for your full and whole-hearted cooperation in helping me understand demonkind and protect those at risk of being targeted by demons.”

  The glyph flashed from white to yellow, and a thin strand of light reached out to connect to her chest. Glenn jumped as the light crept toward him, then stared in wonder as the light poked at his own torso before slipping inside—leaving a strange sensation within.

  Inasha’s smile widened. “The mere fact that the spell recognizes you means that you have a heart inside you—one capable of keeping vows if you so choose.” She beamed at him and dropped her hand, the glyph and thread vanishing. “That warm, refreshing sensation you feel in your chest where the thread connected? That’s a one-sided vow, Glenn. I just detached a portion of my power and put it inside you, binding myself under oath to uphold my end of the pact. If I break my vow, take any action to break the spirit and the letter of the vow I just made, then that warm sensation will sharply dissipate on its own—no matter how far I am from you.”

  She leaned back on the couch, rotating the cuff of her shoulder and stretching a crick out of her neck. “You, however, are under no obligation whatsoever. You could reject my vow right here, right now, and the spell would just undo itself and dissipate the power on its own.”

  Glenn nodded, understanding dawning on his face. “Thanks, Inasha. I—” He was just about to thank Inasha for providing a means to verify her promises when he stopped dead in his tracks. “Wait… this spell will alert me when you break your vow… no matter where you are?”

  Inasha nodded innocently, fighting the smirk that tugged at the corner of her lips.

  “Uh… doesn’t that mean this spell comes with some sort of tracking mechanism or something?”

  Inasha laughed once more. “Yes, it does. You can always reject the vow, though. The thread of power will dissipate, and you’ll be free.” Her eyes crinkled in delight as she giggled. “Though then you’ll never know if I’m acting in your best interests or if I’m setting you up or something similar.”

  Glenn just gawked at her, softly shaking his head as he muttered his response. “You know, you’re pretty dastardly for a hero fighting demons and complaining about how dishonest my people are.”

  Inasha shrugged, a playful smile still on her face. “What can I say? I’m the morally flexible one among the heroes. It’s why they let me lead the hunters through the portal, to negotiate with your people while we chase down the demons. You should meet Brathe; that guy’s big on justice and retribution. He’s also the type who’ll splat your head on sight with his war hammer before purifying your corpse with divine fire.”

  Glenn groaned at that. “Fine. Fine, Inasha. As long as you don’t hurt me or mine, help fight the demons invading our world, then I’ll help you out as much as I can.”

  “Delightful!” she said, leaning forward and rubbing her gauntleted hands together. “Let’s start with how you power your spells despite having no mana. I—”

  Inasha was interrupted by the jingling of keys and the clack of Glenn’s front door being unlocked. “Hey, Glenn. I thought that maybe you’d like something nice after having to go through all that. And when we’re done eating, maybe you’d be up for—” Both Glenn and Inasha turned to look at the intruder—only to find a very surprised Kristina freezing under their stare with a platter of salad in one hand and a plate of sandwiches in the other. Her surprise quickly morphed into a grimace as she stared right back at the both of them.

  She first turned to Inasha, who cocked her head sideways to study her, before turning back to Glenn.

  “Kris, meet Inasha—the, uh, leader of the Amarian demon hunters. Inasha, meet Kristina—my friend and lover.”

  Kristina’s eyes widened at the way Glenn described her. “Lover? That’s… wait a second.” Her already-wide eyes widened even further as his words sank in.

  Kristina gawped, then shook her head. She eyed Inasha warily and set her platters of food down on a nearby counter. She continued staring at her while she sat down on a nearby couch, this time eyeing her from head to foot.

  “Please, Glenn… please tell me this isn’t another psychotic ex who’s going to kill me because I want to hit you up for a booty call.”

  Inasha, for her part, covered her mouth with an armored hand as she stifled yet another bout of giggling. “Some would argue that I am crazy, but no—I am not going to kill you if you decide to… what did you call it? Hit Glenn up for a booty call?”

  Kristina replied with a deadpan stare before turning her attention back to Glenn. “Seriously? You’re adding a mother-shitting demon hunter to your harem?”

  Glenn choked on Kristina’s pissed-off outburst while Inasha ended up guffawing heartily, abandoning the propriety she tried to keep up in front of the newcomer.

  “Oh, I like this one, Glenn—much better than the crazy one and the birdbrained one.”

  “Crazy? Birdbrained?”

  “She means Annie and Hazel,” Glenn interjected, clarifying for Kristina. “She knows what I am. She followed Annie after she was attacked by the Terror Demon, and was there when she tried to blackmail me into—”

  “Wait, did you just call my friend a birdbrain!?” Kristina shot back at Inasha, who smiled wide as her eyes sparkled.

  “Oh… such loyalty and compassion! Hazel is lucky to have a friend like you, Kristina!”

  Kris blinked at the unexpectedly friendly reply. “Uh… thanks?” She shook her head and pouted as she crossed her arms. “So… what does miss high-and-mighty demon hunter from another world want with my friend and ‘lover’ here?”

  Glenn sighed as Inasha began explaining herself, gesturing with her hands to emphasize her point. He would no doubt have to pitch in at some point, convince Kristina not to attack the nice lady dressed in enchanted plate armor and a cloak that rendered her completely invisible. He clutched his head, shaking it as he realized that he’d have to explain all of this to Hazel and Samantha… and Annie. He could already imagine Annie’s reaction, and it was something he was not looking forward to.

  He was wishing he could just take the rest of the day off, to kick back and relax, when Kristina angrily called for his attention. He glanced up, stared at Kristina’s frowning face and Inasha’s lips quirked in an amused grin, and decided to bury his face in th
e palms of his hands.

  Epilogue

  BigMama: Hey, girls. How’s your night?

  Ecstasy: Shitty. Got some idiot that wouldn’t shut up about how he can only get it on with flesh and blood humans. Motherfucker’s not only horribly lousy with his micro penis, but he’s also a complete asshole to boot. I’d tell him to fuck right off to the alt-world or get his own fembot if only he wasn’t paying good money.

  Clara: If this is going to turn into yet another whining session, then I’m gone. You know, no one is forcing you to whore yourself out. If you hate the job so much, then you can just drop it all and collect your UBI paycheck like every other lazy bum out there.

  Ecstasy: Hey! You bitch just as much as I do! Remember how much you moaned and groaned about how Mister Blue broke your heart after he stopped booking appointments? Remember last week, when you learned that he might not be your prince in shining armor and squirming tentacles, but an actual eldritch horror that could kill you and suck your soul out?

  Pearl: She’s got a point. You were really annoying at that time.

  Nancy: Like, really annoying.

  Lindsey: Annoying as fuck.

  Clara has left the chat

  BigMama: C’mon, gals. I know that Clara can be a little difficult to deal with right now, but can’t you at least cut her some slack?

  Pearl: Only when she stops being such a stuck-up bitch. And don’t pretend that you’re completely okay with how bitchy she’s been these past few weeks.