by S. C. Adams
But inside, I know that it’s just wishful thinking. Tanner made a conscious decision to stay with my mother, even after taking up with me. I begged and pleaded with him to leave her, but he remained unmoved. He wants her, and not me, and that’s the long and the short of it.
I close my eyes, ready to become a new person. Maybe the electroshock therapy will relieve my pain, and if it does, then it’s worth it.
Suddenly, there’s the bang of the door flying open and Dr. Fulton’s terrified gasp.
“You shouldn’t be in here! We’re in the middle of treatment,” he protests.
I can’t move my head, so I have no idea who Dr. Fulton is talking to. This just makes me freak out more. Nothing can go wrong now, not when I’m so close to quelling the pain.
But then there’s a roar and low growl.
“Get her out of that chair,” a voice spits.
I know that voice. He can’t be here. How did he find me?
“You have no right to mess with my treatment of a patient!” Dr. Fulton squeals.
“Take it up with my lawyers.”
I want to see what’s going on, but it’s impossible to move, and it’s making me extremely nervous. Then come sounds of a scuffle, some banging, and a couple thuds followed by anguished groans. I can’t see the orderlies either, but they don’t respond to my calls.
“Nurse, what’s going on?” I ask in a panic. “Help!”
But then the straps on my wrists are being undone, and it’s Tanner. My heart nearly bursts from my chest. I almost pass out.
He rips the electrodes from my forehead, his expression grim, before helping me sit up. The two orderlies are moaning and groaning on the floor, clutching their heads, while Dr. Fulton is nowhere to be found.
“What are you doing here?” I gasp.
Tanner looks grim.
“Not now, we need to leave.”
I stay obstinately in place.
“Where are you taking me?”
He turns to glare at me, blue eyes flashing.
“I’m getting you out of here, Kylie. Now let’s go!”
I start to struggle against his hold, unwilling to leave the facility. I came to heal myself, and that process isn’t done yet.
“I don’t want to go with you! Let me go! Let go of me!”
Tanner pins my hands together before turning dangerous eyes to me.
“Kylie, what the hell is wrong with you? I’m here to save you, don’t you get it? Those guys were treating you like a fucking lab rat, what with the electroshock therapy. Do you really want to be Frankenstein?”
I struggle against his hold.
“Let me go, Tanner! I don’t want to leave! Don’t make me leave because I need to get better,” I say through gritted teeth.
I keep fighting, but Tanner’s too strong for me. I can’t escape him. Tears fall from my eyes as I realize he’s probably going to win. He’s married to my mom by now, their signatures fresh on the marriage certificate. The pain is immense and I lean forward to try and bite him.
He snaps back just in time.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” he growls. “You’ve been brainwashed.”
But Tanner doesn’t hesitate. He literally drags me from the therapy room, struggling with my form as we make our way down one of the lighted halls. North Cross is a maze, but before long, we’re outside and I’m being manhandled into his car. He straps me in, although by now I’ve stopped trying to fight. My stepdad gets into the driver’s seat, one hand on the wheel, but he doesn’t start the car.
“Who did that to you?” Tanner rages. I don’t know why he’s so mad. It’s clear he doesn’t care about me. He’s chosen my mom over me, so what’s the point of getting into it?
I turn away from him, staring out the window.
“Who put you in that place?” he demands again. I almost laugh at his ignorance. Not because I find it funny, but because I’m so shocked he doesn’t realize what he’s done to me.
“I checked myself in,” I say through gritted teeth. “Why does it matter to you?”
That shocks him into silence. He stares at me in the close quarters of the car.
“But why?” he finally. “Sweetheart, why?”
The endearment does it, and I bolt up straight, suddenly energized.
“Why? You want to know why?” My voice is rising. “I checked myself in because I was tired of being a slut and sleeping with my mom’s fiancé, and I flat out refuse to sleep with her husband. I flat out refuse to sleep with anyone’s husband. You may not care, but I do.”
“Husband?” he echoes.
“Yes,” I rage. “Why, is that a surprise? I have morals, even if you don’t. I knew the wedding was going to happen soon, and if I stayed, I would have kept fucking around with you, so I did the only thing I could think of: I went to a place that could cure me. I can’t obsess over you like this. It’s not heathy. But you just blew all of that out of the water, and now, I’m guessing you think we can just go back to the way things were, huh? Do you like that, Tanner? Do you take pride in the fact that you’ve been sleeping with your stepdaughter? Or are you an animal who doesn’t give a shit about anybody but himself?”
My fury is all-consuming and my eyes blaze. I’m so angry at Tanner, at myself, and at the world come to think of it.
But Tanner looks puzzled.
“No one told you?” he asks.
I rage at him once more.
“I’ve been locked up!” I screech. “Didn’t you see that place? It’s an institution with no communication from the outside world. Tell me what?”
He takes a deep breath before looking into my eyes.
“Kylie, I’m not married to your mom.”
I’m stunned into silence.
“What?”
I don’t think I heard him right. I look at his hand and for the first time, notice he’s not wearing a ring. He shrugs.
“I called off the wedding. I couldn’t go through with it, not after realizing how I felt about you.”
My heart jolts. How he feels about me? What does that mean? I take a deep breath, trying to calm my pulse.
“I still don’t understand. What are you talking about?”
On the surface, I know what he’s saying. It’s just that I can’t process the words. The whole reason I went to North Cross was because Tanner wanted Veronica, and not me. And now, that’s been turned on its head. What do I do? My heart races as I stare at him. Can this really be happening?
Tanner starts the car and begins pulling out of the parking lot.
“Baby girl, we need to get away from here and talk. I can’t discuss this now because there are just too many things on my mind. Plus, this place is fucking awful, and I want to get you away from here as soon as possible.”
His care makes my heart leap, and we drive in silence down the empty country road that leads from the hospital.
After a few miles, Tanner pulls off to the side of the road. The facility is no longer in our rearview mirror. In fact, there’s nothing but open fields on each side, bisected by the country path. He turns to me, those blue eyes tense.
“I’ll explain it again, sweetheart. I didn’t marry your mom. I broke it off because it felt wrong. Veronica wasn’t right for me, and you? Well, I wasn’t prepared for someone like you.”
I take a deep breath.
“Someone like me? What does that mean?”
Tanner’s eyes are reflective and he grips the wheel.
“I wasn’t prepared for someone that I really cared about. Someone who got under my skin. Someone I could fall in love with.”
Those words make my heart soar and happiness begins to bloom in my chest. But I catch myself, and force the words from my mouth.
“But what about all that other stuff you did? Sleeping with me while you guys were engaged? Acting like you couldn’t care less? All those times I begged you to leave her, and it was like you didn’t even hear.” I don’t know if my question makes any sense, but at this p
oint, he needs to tell me what’s been going on. Tanner draws a deep breath, relaxing his grip a bit although his blue eyes are still intense.
“I’ll admit, when all of this started, I had zero qualms about having sex with you again and again even though I was engaged to your mom. In all honesty, when this all started, I was kind of hoping we could keep this going even after the wedding.”
I cringe, my heart doing a dive.
“Seriously?”
“Not my finest moment, I’ll admit that,” he growls. “But I changed.”
I shake my head.
“Why did you even want to marry my mom if that’s what you wanted? If you were just going to sleep with me behind her back, what was the point of a marriage? I mean, yes, I know you wanted to expand your business empire with her help, but couldn’t you just hire her as an employee? Pay her the big bucks and get all her connections that way?”
He sighs and looks down. His shoulders slump, and for the first time, I sense shame coursing through him.
“It’s hard to explain Kylie, and all this doesn’t exactly put me in the greatest light. Yes, I wanted Veronica’s business contacts, and yes, I could have just made her one of my employees. But there was something else too: she was older. I’ve always dated older women. Forty plus is usually my sweet spot.”
I blink at him.
“Do you have some kind of fetish for grannies?”
Now it’s his turn to blink.
“What? No, it’s nothing like that, and no, they’re not that old either. Yes, I definitely appreciate older women for their maturity, especially since a lot of ladies in New York are ditzes. But it’s more than that. I don’t want kids, Kylie, and women over forty make it easy for you because they either can’t have kids anymore, or they already have kids so it’s not an issue.”
Is he kidding?
“So you date older women because you don’t want to procreate?” I ask slowly.
He shrugs.
“Yes, pretty much. With younger women, it never works out. They say they don’t want kids, but then their tune changes after a couple months. Then they start cooing at baby clothes, imagining a nursery, and god forbid if their friends start pumping out rugrats. Then it’s all over.”
I stare at him.
“But Tanner, what does this have to do with me? We’ve never even talked about kids. And it makes no sense because we didn’t use protection a lot of the time. So where are we going with this?”
Streaks appear across his high cheekbones.
“I know, sweetheart. That’s why this is so messed up. I thought I knew myself: I was a hardened single guy in NYC, out to terrorize the female sex. I only dated older women because I wanted my life to be predictable. And it was, for a really long time; almost twenty years, in fact. But then you come along, Kylie: so nubile, fresh, sweet, and seductive. You were what I never wanted, but also everything I wanted, and it took me far too long to accept it, but I want you.”
I’m frozen in place, overcome by his words. He wants me? But he doesn’t want me? I’m overwhelmed and don’t know what to think. My mind whirls and confusion reigns.
“But why did you have to get married to Veronica?” I ask again in a quiet voice. “Sure, she’s forty, but there are a lot of forty-year-olds out there. What made her stand out?”
He looks ashamed.
“It was three things that came together perfectly, sweetheart. Again, you’re going to hate me for this but this is the time to be open. First, it was her business connections. I wanted those. Second, her age. I don’t want children, and Veronica wasn’t going to have more. Third, it was you, baby girl. I wanted to have you as part of the marriage, and yes, it’s fucked up and reprehensible, but that was my thought process. I’m ashamed, and Kylie, I understand if you don’t want to be with me. Just don’t go back to that mental institution, okay? There’s no need to subject yourself to torture because there is nothing wrong with you, sweetheart. I promise you that.”
He looks terrified, like I might whack him across the head before storming out in a rage. But instead, I feel frozen. I accept who Tanner is, and the fact that he may have been a different man in the past. But it doesn’t matter because there’s a huge roadblock in the way that trumps everything.
“Tanner, it’s fine,” I say in a hoarse voice, looking out the window. “It doesn’t matter.”
He sputters.
“What do you mean it doesn’t matter? I want to be with you, Kylie,” he says fervently. “I realize I may not be the man of your dreams, but –”
I cut him off with a sad smile.
“I get it. All those times we had anal, it was because you didn’t want me to get pregnant, isn’t it?” I say in a soft voice. “You don’t want kids, and we never used protection, so anal sex was your insurance.”
He looks ashamed again.
“Yes, sweetheart, but that was the old me,” he says in a tortured voice. “I’m so sorry.”
I shake my head.
“But you see, Tanner, the problem is that I do want children. I want them with my whole heart, and I can’t be with a man who doesn’t see himself as a father. It’s one of my non-negotiables, so even though you’ve changed, it’s a moot point,” I say in a soft, tearful voice. “We’re not a match. I’m sorry.”
Tanner looks stricken.
“Sweetheart, you don’t know yourself,” he begins in a low voice. “You’re young. You have no idea what kids are like, and how they can turn your world upside down.”
But I shake my head, my vision watery with tears.
“No, Tanner. I do know this about myself. I may be young, but I’ve always known that I was going to be a mother, and it’s not something you can convince me about otherwise. For my own self-respect and self-esteem, we have to end this now. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but this is going nowhere. Please drive.”
He turns to face forward, his hands gripping the wheel again.
“Kylie, please –” he begins in a start.
But I shake my head.
“No more words, Tanner. It’s done.”
With that, he starts the car and we ride in silence. My heart is breaking because after all we’ve been through, it seems that we were never meant to be. I want to cry, sob, and wail my distress to the heavens, but instead I bite my lip and look out the window as my vision blurs. This man who means so much to me? He was never the one, and although I love him more than life itself, we have to go our separate ways now.
19
Kylie
I haven’t left my room ever since Tanner dropped me off a couple of days ago. It’s even worse than the last time because now, I know there’s no hope of being together ever. I’ll never see him again, or be with him again. He’ll never touch my face, and I won’t touch his.
It’s over between us. Totally. Completely.
I’m all cried out. I don’t think I have a single tear left in me, and my entire body feels desiccated and dry.
Andrea’s been over a few times to comfort me. I called her the second I got home.
“Can you please come stay with me? I’m not sure I can be alone.”
“Oh my god, of course. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
She was over in minutes with all the comforting junk food I could possibly want in hand. I knew my friend wouldn’t disappoint. For the past couple of days, we’ve been stuck in a haze of cheese doodles, chocolate chip cookies, ice cream, and sad movies. When I cry, Andrea pats my shoulder comfortingly. She thinks I’m tearing up because of the sad plotlines, but it’s still Tanner on my mind.
We fell asleep while watching Water last night, and today, I wake up to Andrea sleeping next to me. She’s been the real MVP through this all.
“Hey,” I whisper, nudging her.
She grunts softly, fidgeting a little. She’s always been hard to wake because my best friend is a deep sleeper.
“Andrea,” I whisper a little louder. She shuts her eyes even tighter, but I know I’v
e made an impression. Finally, she groans and yawns.
“What is it? Goddamn it’s early.”
I grin halfheartedly.
“Do you want some waffles? I can make us some waffles.”
“Okay, make me waffles,” she mumbles. I can tell she’s still more asleep than anything. I carefully get out of bed, doing my best not to disturb her any more than I already have.
After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I head to the kitchen. I take down everything I need to make waffles from the cabinets and get to cooking. Having Andrea has been a really good distraction. I still think about Tanner, but whenever Andi sees me getting forlorn, she’ll change the subject and make me feel better. It’s not the greatest way to go about life, but it’s been working so far.
I’m almost through making all the batter when Andi walks in still a little sleepy. She stretches her arms above her head.
“That smells good,” she yawns.
“It should because I use real butter and not the fake stuff. Sit down, I’ll bring them over.”
She yawns again, flopping down at the kitchen table.
“Okay, Ky-Ky. You treat me oh so well.” I get everything on plates for the two of us and serve. Andrea picks up her head once the waffles are in front of her.
“Me thinks I smell chocolate chips.”
“Me thinks you are correct,” I quip. We both giggle and then go quiet as we eat, the loudest sound knives on plates. The syrupy goodness makes me feel so amazing, the warmth traveling through my body.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Andi asks. I’ve been refusing to discuss my time at the hospital, but I know Andi’s curious. She’s a good friend and hasn’t pressed the issue but maybe I should face everything that happened. It has to come out at some point, and keeping it bottled in does no good.
“Yes, I guess I can tell you about it,” is my slow reply. Andi smiles, her look encouraging.
I take a deep breath, trying to get the story out without choking.
“Tanner got me out of that hospital I checked myself into. They were about to do electroshock therapy, but he saved me in the nick of time.”