by S. C. Adams
Andrea looks horrified.
“Like you were hooked up to machines and they were going to fry your brain?” she asks.
I nod.
“Pretty much, but it didn’t happen because Tanner saved me. Then we escaped from the hospital, and he told me the wedding had been cancelled, and he was done with Veronica. At first, I was ecstatic. It was all I wanted, or so I thought. But then he said that he doesn’t want kids,” I say, taking a deep breath.
Andi stares at me. “So?”
“So I do,” I say with a shrug. “And as a result, we ended it.”
Andi stares at me.
“All that, and it’s over because you want kids, but he doesn’t?”
I shrug again.
“It’s a non-negotiable for me, and it’s a dealbreaker for him too. It makes sense, if you think about it.”
Andi nods.
“Yes, but I mean, you guys went through so much drama with your mom, the wedding, the huge amounts of sex behind your mom’s back, and now the hospital. This kids thing sounds so anti-climactic.”
I stare at her.
“Having kids is a big deal, Andi. It’s not anti-climactic.”
She holds up her hands in protest.
“I know, I know. It’s just that it feels that way because you guys have been through so much already. You’ve been to Vegas, escaped from a mental institution, and Tanner’s literally the runaway groom. He left your mom at the altar. So to break up after all that, seems … well, anti-climactic,” she says helplessly.
I look away from her.
“Maybe so, but it is what it is,” I say in a frozen voice.
“I’m not judging you for it,” she says quickly. “It just seems that you really love him, and maybe there’s a way you can –”
“No, there’s no way,” I say quickly. “We weren’t meant to be together.”
“Maybe,” Andi starts. “But you guys really seem to love one another.” My friend is using the word “love” again and it pains my heart, but I say nothing as she babbles on.
“I mean, I met the dude, and even though I had some strong biases towards him with respect to how he’s been making you feel, I realized that both of you have been confused as hell. The situation was totally weird, but despite it all, you guys found one another and fell in love. I think you should give it a try.”
Maybe she’s right. Love should be able to conquer all, but unfortunately, in real life, it doesn’t.
“Thanks Andi. I totally appreciate your input, but I don’t think there’s a future for Tanner and me,” I say in a quiet voice.
Andi’s silent for a moment.
“But you love him, Kylie. He came in here breathing fire and brimstone, determined to find you. He loves you too.”
I look up at her with tears in my eyes.
“I know, but love’s not enough. Please, can we not talk about this anymore? It’s really painful to discuss.”
She throws me a worried look, but nods.
“Sure thing, Ky. I should roll but let me know if you need anything okay? By the way, these waffles were amazing,” she says in a chirpy voice, smiling as she gets her bag.
But I can tell Andrea’s still worried. After all, what she said is true. I’ve been through a tumultuous time, only to be rescued by the man I love. But now, we’ve come upon an issue for which there is no resolution. Is there any way to work around this? Sadly, as I say goodbye to my friend, it doesn’t appear so. I want children, and Tanner doesn’t. We can’t split the baby in half, which means that there is no path forward. I accept it, but why does my heart have to hurt so much? I would give anything to be with Tanner, but alas, it doesn’t appear to be in the cards.
20
Kylie
I’m standing at the door to Veronica’s apartment. After everything that happened, I was only concerned with myself, and the wreckage of my life. But I guess I should stop in on Veronica because she’s probably feeling just as terrible as I am. After all, her whole wedding got called off. She was literally left at the altar, and as a result, Veronica is probably a mess. I should have gone to see her days ago.
Veronica opens the door. She looks stunning as usual, and frankly, the opposite of a woman in distress. Her blonde hair waves about her shoulders, and her clothes are elegant and immaculate.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Kylie, where have you been? I’ve missed you.” Her smile is unnerving. I hope someone has been here to support her, the way Andrea has been for me.
“Um, I had to go away for some research. For school, you know,” I say, fibbing lightly. “We didn’t expect an emergency at the research site, which is why I couldn’t come to your wedding. But I just heard about it being called off, and I wanted to come tell you how sorry I am.”
She tosses her hair over one shoulder.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine,” she says flippantly. She leads me into the kitchen, where she plucks some aging flowers out of their vase, before stuffing them into the drain. She then flips the switch to turn on the garbage disposal, and a horrific grinding sound comes out. Petals fly up into the air, but she lets it go on for a couple minutes before the grinding stops.
“Um, are you okay?” I ask cautiously.
“Why?” she says with a sunny smile. “I’m fine.”
“It’s just you were pretty aggressive with the garbage disposal,” I say carefully.
Veronica laughs merrily then.
“No, sweetheart. You’re reading into things. Besides, you have to be firm with those devices, otherwise, nothing gets ground up.”
I stare at her red-lipsticked smile.
“Um okay,” I say. I’m happy to talk about whatever is going on here more directly, but it looks like she’s dealing with her feelings in her own way. To each their own.
My mom flutters about the kitchen.
“You see, I just have to get rid of some things, but it shouldn’t be that hard. I mean, it’s not like any of my money really went into this wedding. Tanner is the one who’s losing the deposits.”
“Great!” I say with a modicum of humor. If that makes her feel better then it’s fine. I know he can spare the cash. “Have you spoken to Tanner since he broke it off?”
She bats her hand dramatically.
“No,” she sighs. She takes a seat at the kitchen island, resting her chin in her hands. “I’ve tried calling, but he’s ignoring me. I think we’re really done. Honestly, I thought he was just getting some pre-wedding jitters, but I don’t know.”
I gulp.
“Maybe it’s for the best. At least you guys didn’t get married before he changed his mind because it’d be a lot harder to divorce afterwards.”
She rolls her eyes.
“Ugh. I guess so. Do you know he told me there was someone else? I told him it was fine, and as long as he didn’t embarrass me, I could deal with it. I just can’t believe I didn’t see this coming. I mean, hindsight is 20 / 20 but he’d been pulling away and seemed disinterested lately. I just never thought he would call off the entire wedding, especially the day of.”
Clearly, this wasn’t true love if Veronica was okay with Tanner having a side piece. Is this what love in America has come down to? The prospect makes me depressed.
Yet, I still feel guilty. Veronica has no idea of my part, and that I was actually the cause of her break-up. I have to tell her the truth because it’s been weighing on me, and because she deserves it. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s the right thing to do. At least, I think it’s the right thing.
I take a deep breath.
“Mom, there’s something I need to tell you.”
“What is it?” She’s inspecting her nails, clearly bored. It’s something Veronica does whenever the topic switches away from being about her. She’s quite self-absorbed, but that doesn’t make things easier.
“It’s about Tanner.”
She looks up, suddenly interested.
“Go on.”
I take another
deep breath.
“Well, before I knew who he was, the two of us met and some stuff happened between us. When I found out he was your fiancé, I tried to call it off, but it was hard. I couldn’t say no to him for some reason, and before I knew it, we were sneaking around behind your back. But don’t worry: I saw him a couple days ago and officially called the whole thing off. I couldn’t live with myself knowing I was the cause of your ruined wedding. I’m so sorry.”
I couldn’t look at Veronica while I confessed, but now, I glance up. To my surprise, she doesn’t look upset, merely annoyed.
“Okay,” she says, already turning away with disinterest.
“You’re not mad?”
She shrugs.
“I’m mad that he left me for some dumb shit like this. Like I care what you two were doing. I told you – I was okay with him getting nookie on the side, so long as he didn’t embarrass me.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
“Yes, but with your daughter?” I ask in disbelief. “You were okay with that?” This conversation is blowing my mind.
She sneers.
“I saw the way Tanner looked at you. I’m not the idiot you think I am, Kylie. If Tanner wanted to have some fun elsewhere, who was I to deny him?”
I almost choke.
“You knew the entire time?” My voice is getting higher and higher in pitch. I’d been beating myself up about this whole thing for weeks. I’ve sobbed thinking I was the worst person on earth, and yet this entire time, my mom knew. She sighs dramatically, studying her nails again.
“I didn’t know know, but I had my suspicions.”
I blink.
“Why did you go along with the whole thing then?”
She shrugs.
“Why not? I told you, Tanner is a billionaire. Do you know how much money that is? Even if we got divorced afterwards, I would have gotten a lot of alimony. That’s worth something.”
My mouth drops open as I stare at her. OMG, it was all about the money. It was always about the money. I mean, his big bank account was one of the first things she told me about Tanner, but I thought there was more there. Evidently not.
Veronica holds up her hand again, admiring her diamond.
“At least I still have this baby, and I’m going to keep it. I’m going to keep all the other things he bought me. Whatever was gifted leading up to the wedding, I’m keeping, too. That bastard isn’t going to leave me with absolutely nothing.”
Realization hits me. Veronica doesn’t care about Tanner. She never cared about him. Veronica is just a greedy person who wants to get her paws on as much cash as possible. Their entire relationship was built on nothingness, and I have no reason to feel guilty. She didn’t even care that her fiancé was sleeping with her daughter; that’s how messed up things are.
It shouldn’t be surprising though. I’ve been seeing the evidence for years. All throughout my childhood, Veronica was never really there for me. Instead, she was always looking for a man to fill the void, and now, she’s moved on to filling it with material goods.
Yet, I still did a terrible thing. Granted, I didn’t realize that Veronica and Tanner meant so little to one another, but still, I made a series of bad choices and that’s something I need to apologize for.
“Well, I’m still sorry about everything that happened,” I say quietly. After this, I’m going to need some time to myself. I’ve done some soul searching, but now, I need to come to terms with who I am.
“Oh, shut up, Kylie. That’s bullshit.”
I gape.
“What?”
She sneers.
“You heard me. You slept with your mother’s fiancé. If that doesn’t qualify as amoral behavior, I don’t know what does.”
My mouth drops open. Her barbs are true, and they sting. But still, I’m here to apologize.
“Mom, I really am sorry. I would do everything over again if I could.”
She snorts, blowing a strand of blonde hair out of her face.
“That’s a load of bull. You’re not sorry. You’re just upset you didn’t get what you want either, and I’m guessing it’s because Tanner left you, too.”
I gape but manage to keep my mouth shut. I’m not going to tell her that I’m the one who broke up with him. There’s no reason to add to the turbulent mix of emotions. Veronica sneers again.
“From your silence, I’ll take that as a yes. You know, you’ve always been like this. After you were born, your dad was obsessed with you, and he totally lost interest in me as a result. And then my second husband Marlon was so invested in you, it was crazy. I had to run them out of my life.”
“What?” I ask, flabbergasted and horrified at once. She ignores me and keeps talking.
“And Croy,” she continues. “He was always asking me about your love life, if you had a boyfriend, and how experienced you were. If he wasn’t going to appreciate the woman standing right in front of him,” she points at herself, “then he did not need to be in my life.”
I gasp, my heart racing at a million miles an hour. I never knew just how much Veronica hated me. When she was supposed to be protecting me, she was more concerned with maintaining her position in the limelight.
“But their love for me was different from their love for you,” I say slowly. “I’m a daughter, while you were a wife. It’s completely different.”
Veronica sneers.
“It’s not different. Love is love, and those guys were idiots. Once they saw you, there was no longer enough love to go around, and I had to drop them. See ya,” she says carelessly. “Wouldn’t want to be ya.”
I’m stunned by her callousness. These are men that she was legally wed to, and yet Veronica was willing to toss them overboard because of her jealousy of me. This woman is so fucked up, and I can’t take it anymore.
Besides, love isn’t a zero sum game. There are many ways to love and be loved, but Veronica is so messed up that she’s been living in a twisted and corrupt world for years now.
“I see. I’ll leave you alone, then.” I don’t think my relationship with my mother will be able to bounce back from this. Everything she just said was much too hateful.
“Don’t act like you’re better than me,” she hisses. “You deserve whatever bad things happen to you. Karma is a real bitch, honey. What goes around comes around.”
I shoot her a frozen smile.
“Thanks for the tip,” I tell her. “I hope things get better for you, too.” And I mean it. She may hate me, but Veronica is still my mom. I can’t wish her ill, no matter how hateful she is.
I’m about to leave, but then she stands up so fast her stool crashes onto the ground. I jump, frightened. Without further ado, Veronica comes right up to me and slaps me directly on the cheek. She puts a lot of force behind the slap, and pain shoots through my face, leaving it stinging and red.
“Get out of my house,” she hisses.
Whirling, I rush to the door and leave.
“And never come back. You’re not my daughter anymore,” she calls before slamming the door behind my back. I’m standing outside, my palm to my stinging cheek. My chest moves up and down, and I’m on the verge of a panic attack.
I’m stunned by what just happened, and the things she admitted. I can’t believe she drove my dad away because he loved me. Or Marlon. And the whole thing with Croy. I’m glad he was kicked to the curb because in truth, he was a lech. But Veronica didn’t do it for me, she did it for herself.
I walk down the steps and sit on the curb. It’s time to focus on me. I have to stop worrying about how Veronica will feel about what I’m doing. I need to do what makes me happy. I know Andrea is too busy with class, and the only other person I can think to be with is my Aunt Jane. She’ll know what to do.
I take out my phone and dial Jane. She picks up on the first ring.
“Hi sweetheart. I’ve been so worried about you! Where have you been?”
I blink through the tears in my eyes.
�
�Oh, Andrea told me she called you guys and told you I was fine.” The fallout from my running away to the hospital is really hitting me now. I didn’t realize that so many people would be worried. I thought the world would keep turning without me, which it did, but there were still a lot of concerned people.
“She called but wouldn’t give a lot of details. I know she was just protecting your privacy, but I had no idea why you disappeared for so long and then wouldn’t take my calls. Are you okay honey?”
I thought I could hold it together but hearing Jane’s voice causes a waterfall of tears. I start sobbing, thinking about everything that’s gone wrong lately, and how it’s my fault. Even the stuff that wasn’t my fault makes me sad.
“Oh, baby. I didn’t mean to make you cry. Where are you? I’ll come pick you up.”
“I’m outside my mom’s building,” I sputter.
Jane heaves a sigh.
“Okay, I’m on my way. Hold tight.” I hang up the phone and take a seat on the curb. I’ve never felt more awful in my life. The shittiest thing about all of this is that there are so many things going on that I’m having trouble making sense of any of them. I thought I was doing the right thing by apologizing to my mom, but instead, it’s only highlighted how little Veronica cares about me. The thought makes me sob even harder.
Jane pulls up about twenty minutes later. She turns off her car and rushes to my side. She pulls me into a hug, rubbing my back.
“Oh, sweetie,” she whispers. “It’s not that bad.”
I rest my forehead on her shoulder, finding comfort in this embrace. Being with my aunt almost always makes me feel better.
“Come on, let’s get out of here.”
I follow her to the car and curl up in the passenger’s seat. We drive back to her house in New Jersey in silence. Well, not total silence. Jane turns on some classical music. The strains are calming, and I feel a bit better as the violins sing.
“We’re here,” she says softly while pulling into the driveway. The two of us get out of the car and go inside. “Do you want something to eat? I can make you a sandwich, and there’s some leftover cake from Gordon’s work party too.”