Dating Essentials for Men

by Robert Glover

  The following evening while talking about his experience with the other guys at the seminar, he recounted his original self-limiting belief that people would judge him if he was sitting alone on the beach. While grinning from ear-to-ear he stated, “I guess I destroyed that myth!”

  Blasting Your SLBs

  People act consistently with their deepest held beliefs.

  We all act according to what we believe to be true – even if these beliefs are limiting or self-destructive. If you believe you are worthless and that no one can love you, you will act accordingly. If you believe people will judge you, envy you, or criticize you if you are successful, you will act accordingly. If you believe you are a loser, you will act accordingly.

  Your mind will not only see what it believes to be true, it will work hard to make sure what you experience feels familiar and consistent with previous experiences.

  This lesson presents a number of powerful tools to help you identify the distorted and inaccurate thinking behind your SLBs. It will also help you get your self-limiting beliefs out of your head and replace them with more accurate, positive and productive beliefs. Part of this process will include showing you how to blast the queen mother of all SLBs!

  Fear of Rejection: The Queen Mother of SLBs

  When I first started teaching classes and seminars on dating, I would tell my students to remove every form of the word “rejection” from their vocabulary. I would tell them that no woman has the power to “reject” them (i.e., to determine their value as a human being).

  I would also make the point that just because one woman had low interest in them, that didn’t mean that all women would feel the same. I would tell them that a woman wasn’t rejecting them, she was just saying “no” to a date (or sex, or a relationship, etc.).

  All of my students were banned from using the “R” word. I assumed that if I could change their vocabulary and eliminate such emotionally charged words, they might think differently and therefore act differently.

  Unfortunately, just banning the word from their vocabulary didn’t do a thing to change their behavior. Many of the guys would develop great skills but wouldn’t apply them. They would still stay home, watch TV, surf the net, or play X-box – and avoid talking to women. They weren’t using the “R” word, but they weren’t doing anything that might risk “rejection” either.

  Then one day, one of my clients made a statement that made me rethink my approach to helping men deal with their fear of rejection. He stated that when a guy says he is afraid to talk to a woman because he might get “rejected,” he is just making an excuse.

  My wise client asserted, “Rejection doesn’t hurt. . . . but it is a great excuse to avoid facing the anxiety of talking to women.”

  I realized he was right. Rejection doesn’t hurt. I’ve been “rejected” many times and it hasn’t hurt me once. My internalized judgments and distortions might have beaten the hell out of me, but the actual rejection didn’t hurt at all. It was just a “no” to a specific question. (low interest).

  Rejection doesn’t hurt. It is just what you tell yourself about the “no” that messes with your head. You will probably want to argue with me about how much it hurts to get “rejected” by a woman. I won’t try and talk you out of this deeply held SLB. Instead, I suggest you test it.

  Try an experiment. Go out and get “rejected” at least three times this week – try and get three “no’s” to date proposals from three strangers.

  Treat dating as a “science experiment,” not as a way of validating your worth. One of the quickest, most powerful ways to blast your SLBs is to consciously try and get to rejection as quickly as possible. Not only does this help you overcome your fear of “rejection,” but it also allows you to quickly move on to a woman who has high interest.

  Ironically, when you are trying to get to rejection quickly, it pretty much kills your fear and anxiety about getting rejected. Surprisingly, you won’t actually get “rejected” as often as you might expect. I’ve had some students report that they couldn’t complete the assignment in a week because they got so many positive responses to their attempts at rejection that they didn’t have time to get three actual rejections.

  Here is an example of the power of this approach. When he was in his 20s, Dr. Albert Ellis, the creator of Rational Emotive Therapy (RET), was deathly afraid of women and of being rejected by them. He decided to try and crush his fear of rejection by getting rejected by 200 women. During a two-week period, he approached 200 women and asked them to join him for dinner. All but one turned him down, and the one who accepted his date failed to show up! Although he didn’t get one date, Dr. Ellis did conquer his fears of rejection and ultimately developed a robust social life! He went on to write a column on relationships for Penthouse Magazine and into his 90s, still had a reputation of being a “player.”

  The Magic Key

  I have found that how a guy approaches this assignment is one of the biggest predictors of how well he will do in changing his SLBs and behavior. The guys who challenge themselves and consciously seek rejection always experience an amazing transformation in their love life. It is like this exercise unlocks the vault door to successful dating.

  Even just thinking about trying to get three rejections will make you sweat. Your SLBs will scream at you. Don’t listen to them. Calm your mind. Get out of the house and approach the first woman you see and tell her to give you her number so you can take her to coffee. Then do it again. And again.

  Believe it or not, you might have a lot of resistance to letting go of your SLBs. They are part of your identity. They keep you feeling “safe.” They help you manage anxiety. You might wonder, “Who will I be without them?”

  This can be frightening. This is why old habits are so hard to change. This is why you seem to act in ways that defeat your own best interests (addictions, not exercising, not saving money, gaining weight, etc.)

  You may be short, bald, unemployed and live with your parents. That is not what limits you. It is what you believe about you that limits you. It is time to change your beliefs and change your life.

  Chapter 4: Discover the Power of Abundance Thinking

  If you can’t see that you are already abundantly blessed, you won’t be able to see it if it is multiplied by 10, or 100, or 1000, or even a million.

  A while back, I received a voicemail from a client with whom I had worked on and off for a few years. In the message, his voice sounded desperate and strained.

  “I need to schedule a session with you as soon as possible,” he said. “I’ve been dating a great woman now for about a month. We’ve really hit it off and everything is going wonderfully. I’m following your rules. I only see her once a week. I’m staying off the phone with her. Everything is great. She thinks I’m wonderful and we always have a great time when we’re together. I think this woman could be my Really Great Woman.”

  “There is only one problem,” he continued. “I’m waiting for the other shoe to fall. I’m afraid I’m going to do something to blow it. I’m convinced it is only a matter of time until she sees through me and realizes I’m not so great. I know those are my self-limiting beliefs, but they haunt me constantly.”

  “What I want to talk with you about,” he said, “is how can I learn to allow good things to happen to me without going into a panic about everything being taken away from me? I have to find a way to not shut down, imagining everything that can go wrong. I’m a wreck, I need to schedule an appointment as soon as I can.”

  This client is like many of the guys with whom I work on dating issues. Most bad daters are riddled with fears that they will never find what they want, and if they do, it will quickly be taken away from them.

  When I talk with men about dating, love, sex, and relationship, I often hear many of the following kinds of statements:

  •“All the good women already have a boyfriend or are married.”

  •“You have to be rich, good looking, or have lots of confidence to
get a good woman.”

  •“If I do get a girlfriend, it will only be a matter of time until she will find a better man and leaves me.”

  •“I’ll never find a good woman. I don’t even know where to look.”

  These kinds of statements are examples of “deprivation thinking.”

  When it comes to love and sex, most bad daters not only see the glass as half empty, they see it as pretty much bone dry. Because of their deprivation view of the world, BDs can only see scarcity.

  Here are some of the ways a deprivation view of the world might play out in your life:

  •You stay home by yourself and spend time in isolating activities.

  •You avoid public places and rarely talk to people you don’t know.

  •You rarely interact with women whom you find attractive, and if you do, you project an aura of insecurity and neediness.

  •If you do meet a woman, you immediately start seeking her approval and often become clingy and dependent.

  •Once in a relationship, you either work way too hard to please your partner and/or you put up walls and become emotionally unavailable because you expect her to find a better man and leave.

  •You frequently hold onto unsatisfying relationships way too long because you don’t believe you can find another one that will be any better.

  Deprivation thinking makes it difficult to get what you want in love, sex, and relationship because it is difficult for you to see, and therefore accept, the abundance of the universe.

  If you think good women, good sex, and good love are in short supply, why would you put yourself out there? Why risk rejection and disappointment?

  Because of your deprivation thinking, you don’t notice all of the doors of opportunity that open up to you, let alone walk through them. You end up playing it safe, doing the same old thing, staying home and avoiding situations that might put you into contact with women. All the while you probably envy other guys who seem to get all the breaks and have all the luck.

  Why You Don’t Believe There is Enough to Go Around

  Your deprivation view of yourself and relationships are a direct result of a life paradigm developed in childhood. When your childhood needs were not met in a timely, consistent manner, you came to see the world as an unpredictable, lonely place. You probably saw the things you needed most (love, attention, affection, etc.) as being in short supply or only going to other people. These experiences created a view of the world defined by lack.

  Now, as an adult, you make a distorted comparison between yourself and others around you. This means you typically see other men getting the good-looking girlfriends, the sex, the good relationships. These comparisons result in envy, resentment, striving, and, more often than not, an unconscious surrender to what seems like the harsh unfairness of the world around you.

  An Abundant World

  Here’s the good news – the world you live in is different from the family in which you were raised!

  There is an abundance of goodies out there and there is plenty for everyone. Around the world, men of all ages, race, nationality, and walks of life are enjoying love, sex and relationship. This alone is proof that there is plenty out there.

  The men who find the things you are looking for are no different than you. They’re not better looking, smarter, funnier, richer, or in better shape.

  When a seemingly “average” guy gets a great woman, the only difference between him and you is a world view that allows him to see himself as worthy of love and he is open to letting it into his life.

  The world is filled with unlimited opportunity. There is an abundance that is freely available to you. There are boatloads of goodies (great women, great sex, great relationships) out there just waiting for you. This is the reality of the world you live in. Deprivation thinking blinds you to the beauty and bounty of this world. Abundance thinking opens your eyes to it.

  The premise of this lesson is twofold:

  •The world is an abundant place.

  •You have been and will continue to be abundantly blessed.

  The problems you have experienced finding love, sex and relationship have nothing to do with the supply side of things in this world. The problem has been what got programmed into your brain when you were a small child.

  The problems you have experienced finding what you want in love, sex and relationship has not been a problem of actual scarcity, but with the perception of scarcity!

  Opening Up to Abundance

  In 2002 I wrote a series of lessons based on my book, No More Mr. Nice Guy, for an online class on work and career. One of the lessons was on the subject of abundance.

  Initially, it was one of the most difficult lessons I had ever written. Intellectually, I could think of things to write on the subject, but emotionally, I was blocked. This emotional block showed up in my writing. I realized that my own deprivation thinking, programmed in childhood, was getting in the way of writing about the subject with emotional clarity. I decided before I could write believably about abundance, I had to be tuned into it in my own life.

  I decided to try an experiment. I asked a friend to join me in an abundance practice. We agreed that every day, we would kneel next to our beds first thing in the morning and last thing at night and think about the things for which we were grateful. We committed to do this together because we both knew that this would involve changing some pretty deep-seated emotions and ways of thinking. We were right.

  We both got off to a good start, but started “slipping” within a few days. We occasionally missed our morning or evening sessions. Even though we were both experiencing greater peace of mind and happiness from the ritual, our minds found ways to help us “forget” to do what was making us feel so good. We also both noticed that within a few days, our minds began to battle with us. A civil war had begun.

  The part of our minds that was used to thinking about ourselves and the world in terms of lack and loss was pretty deeply entrenched. Our new abundance and gratitude thinking was challenging the status quo. This created emotional and cognitive dissonance. Nevertheless, we persisted with our new practice of daily gratitude.

  In a short amount of time, we both noticed internal changes. We worried less. We were happier. We didn’t dwell on past losses or mistakes and didn’t obsess about future disasters. We didn’t envy or feel resentful for other people’s blessings. Judgment waned. Joy increased. We both began to experience an inner knowing that everything would work out just fine, even when we didn’t know how.

  We came to the awareness that our needs had been taken care of every day of our lives up until then. Why would that change tomorrow?

  Through the process of a daily gratitude practice, some important facts about abundance came to me:

  •Abundance isn't a pursuit, it is a state of mind.

  •Abundance isn’t an issue of degree, it’s an issue of awareness and acceptance.

  •Abundance is not defined by how much a person has, but by how aware a person is of how much he has.

  •Abundance is like air. You are already experiencing it with every breath you take. If you already have all the air you need, there is no reason to hold your breath and hoard the air you have, gasp for more air, worry if there will be enough air tomorrow, or envy those who appear to be breathing more than their fair share.

  This practice of gratitude changed my life and continues to do so today. Whenever I find myself worried, uptight, anxious, or thinking negatively, I pause and think about all the things I am grateful for in life. Within moments I feel calm. The world seems like a friendly inviting place again.

  I now walk through more open doors because I see them more clearly and I believe it is okay for me to experience abundance. Abundance thinking has replaced the deprivation thinking that used to control my view of myself and the world. As a result, I am constantly amazed at all the great people, things, and experiences that flood into my life. At times, I feel like a walking miracle magnet.

  Abundance
surrounds you. You have all that you need to be completely happy, right now.

  Creating an abundance mentality not only opens you up to recognize how blessed you are right now, it makes you more aware of the many open doors of opportunity that surround you. Abundance thinking also gives you the courage to walk through these open doors and experience the adventure of this wonderful world.

  The rest of this lesson presents a number of things that you can do to increase your abundance awareness and break free from old, deprivation ways of seeing the world. These suggestions aren’t magic, but if you practice them regularly, they can change your life in ways you never expected.

  Developing an abundance mentality is the most powerful way I know to naturally attract really great women to you – without having to learn silly pickup lines, magic tricks, or hypnosis!

  Develop A Daily Gratitude Practice

  Develop a daily routine of thinking about things for which you feel grateful. Pick a time at least once or twice a day when you can focus on these things. It only takes two or three minutes. I like doing it right before going to bed or right after getting up. You can do it when you brush your teeth, while you sit at stop lights, or during any other daily routine. Make it a habit by practicing it consistently over time.

  Ask a friend or family member to do the same. I know several people who keep a gratitude stone in their pocket. Every time they put their hand in their pocket and touch the stone or remove it from their pocket, they think about things for which they are grateful.

  It won’t do any good for the universe to multiply your blessings a hundred-fold if you aren’t already aware of how blessed you are. You already have everything you need. Focus on that, rather than what you don’t have now or didn’t receive in the past.

  Here’s an example. A few years ago, I began a gratitude practice that focused on the special way every significant person in my life has blessed me. I started this practice because I noticed that I had been obsessing about all the ways the people in my life (parents, girlfriends, friends, wives) had loved me less than perfectly. Not only did this thinking make me feel bad and cheated, it was getting reinforced in my life.