Dating Essentials for Men

by Robert Glover

  Letting Go of Attachment to Outcome

  Let me ask you a question. Why do you look at women? Check them out? Talk to them? Ask them out? You do all these things because you have an intention: you want to see them naked.

  In other words, you want to find a girlfriend and/or you want to have sex. That is your agenda. Any other less “animal” or “base” rationalization for talking to women is just the BS your mind tells you to avoid thinking you’re one of those creepy guys who hit on women and only want to use them for sex.

  Your desire to see a woman’s tits, touch her body, and put your penis in her vagina is what motivates you to face your fears and approach and talk to them.

  Unfortunately, this agenda tends to escalate your anxiety. This diminishes the likelihood of you acting in a way that might help you achieve your goals. By removing the typical agenda of dating, the 12/12 helps reduce much of the typical anxiety of dating. If the anxiety is reduced, you are more likely to go on more dates, be yourself, and have a chance to practice the skills you are learning in this book.

  The 12/12 allows you to practice the dating skills of:

  •Approaching women

  •Asking women out

  •Having conversations with women

  •Testing

  •Setting the tone/taking the lead

  •3Ts (touch, tease, and tell)

  •Being clear and direct

  •Being a good ender

  A number of the men who have taken the 12/12 challenge have found a woman they wanted to keep dating while doing the 12/12. That’s okay. The rule (or strong suggestion) is you still have to finish the 12/12. The woman you want to keep seeing only counts as one date.

  The remainder of this chapter will focus on how to implement the 12/12. We will discuss the basics of how to ask a woman out, what to do on a first date, how to be a good-ender, and how to find the 12 women to date. This information can be applied to any dating context, whether you are working the 12/12 or just dating in general.

  How to Ask a Woman Out

  Let’s assume that you have made some initial contact with the woman you want to ask out. You’ve met her online, at a coffee shop, or a class. Maybe a friend or family member made the introduction. Depending on the context, you can invite her out by phone or email. Doing it face to face or over the phone is ideal, but it is okay to leave an email or voicemail message with your invitation. Here are the essentials.

  Have a plan. Know when and where you want to meet her. That is the starting point. The plan can be adjusted as you talk, but having a plan is a powerful way to start by setting the tone and taking the lead. Never propose that the two of you “go out sometime.” Never ask something like, “are you free this weekend?” Do not ask a woman out until you have a specific plan.

  The initial date should always be on a weekday (any time) or Sunday afternoon. Never, ever plan a first date on one of the prime date nights (Friday & Saturday). You don’t want to leave the impression that you have nothing to do on these two nights besides have coffee with a woman whom you don’t know yet.

  Tell – never ask! Ironically, “asking” a woman out puts you in a one down position to the woman. Telling her when and where to meet you raises your status in her eyes and will make you look more attractive, confident and desirable. I suggest a couple ways of doing this.

  One is to say something like, “Let’s meet for coffee Thursday night at the Starbucks on Main Street. Meet me there at 7.00 PM.” A second approach is to say something like, “I’m going to be down at Carlo’s Tuesday night listening to this great Latin band. You should join me.” This makes you look like an interesting guy who has an interesting life. You are inviting her to join you in your interesting life.

  Giving the details of your plan live is best, but if you have to leave a message, I suggest saying something like, “Sarah, this is Jim. We chatted last Sunday at Bill’s party. Let’s meet for coffee on Thursday and continue our conversation. Give me a call (or message me) and I’ll give you the details.” Whether or not she calls you back is a demonstration of her interest. If she calls, she has high interest – tell her your plan. If she doesn’t call back, she has low interest – move on.

  Remember, every interaction you have with a prospective date is a test of her nature. How well she follows, how flexible she is, how spontaneous she is. She will be testing you too. If she is a healthy woman, she doesn’t want a guy whom she can push around and who will do anything to please her and accommodate her. She will have to test to find out.

  Some PUAs refer to these as “shit tests.” I’ve heard plenty of bad daters complain about these tests. That’s because BDs typically misunderstand the purpose of the tests. Women don’t test to be “shitty.” They test to see if you have your “shit” together.

  As security seeking creatures, women want to know if they can trust you, depend on you. As one of my ex-wives use to state every time I failed one of her shit tests, “If I don’t know you can stand up to me, how will I ever know that you will stand up for me?” She was right!

  A healthy woman doesn’t want to be the strongest person in the room. She wants to be able to trust you. She has to test to find if she can. If you let the woman climb into the driver’s seat from the very beginning, you will probably never get her out. You have failed the test. This is the beginning of the end. She now has two options: lose interest in you or take control. You leave her no choice when you get passive and let her set the tone.

  Once the day, time, and location have been established, get off the phone. It is an invitation, not a chat session. No more emailing, texting or phone chatting before the date.

  The Date

  Your first contact with a woman usually serves one of two purposes:

  •Do what it takes to get her into bed.

  •Find out if she is girlfriend material.

  If your goal is to have sex with a woman as soon as possible, you aren’t really trying to find out much about her nature or trying to decide if she seems suitable for a long-term relationship. You just want to find out if she is going to take her clothes off with you. In these situations, be reckless, be bold, be sexual: do whatever it takes to get to your goal and don’t worry too much if she would make a good mother for your kids.

  On the other hand, if you are more concerned about either practicing your dating skills or meeting women who might be good candidates for a long-term relationship, you need to take a completely different approach. We’ll talk more about this in later chapters, but in a nutshell, your goal is to create situations where you can find out as much as you can about a woman’s nature. The “coffee” type date is the ideal way to begin this process.

  If you are wanting to explore a woman’s nature or practice your dating skills, the initial get-together should always be a casual, inexpensive, coffee-type date. This creates the optimum way to begin getting to know a woman, test for interest, and explore her nature. Contrary to the way most people date, the coffee date is not a time to try and impress your date or get her to like you. It is just a time to meet, check for chemistry, and find out if she is a cool chick.

  Doing things to impress a woman or get her to like you is called “seduction.” Seducing someone means you don’t believe she could be attracted to you just the way you are. Unfortunately, this is the way most people date. Doing this is the worst foundation you can lay for a future relationship. The goal of healthy dating is to get to know the woman as she gets to know you, not to seduce each other.

  Seduction sets you both up to find out somewhere down the line that you don’t really know each other and perhaps don’t really like each other. By then you have a bond (and are probably having sex) and it is difficult to walk away.

  Women can easily fall in love with dating. Let’s say you ask a woman out on a fancy first date – drinks, dinner, a show, dancing. You spend lots of money on her. She gets to go through the predate ritual of buying a new outfit, getting her hair and nails done. She tells all h
er friends about it; before and after. She gets to have a very entertaining weekend night – much nicer than sitting home eating frozen pizza and watching a rerun of Sex and The City. How will you know whether or not she likes you or just likes the fun dates you provide for her?

  Your first date should be simple, inexpensive, with no seduction. You are going to practice skills, test for interest (hers and yours) and find out a little about her nature.

  Planning and Paying

  You will plan it and you will pay.

  Since your first date is going to be relatively inexpensive, you can go on lots of first dates without breaking the bank. You pay, because it is one way of setting the tone. Paying will also test her nature and tests how well she follows. Does she offer to pay but allow you to set the tone? Is she gracious? Is she appreciative? If she resists letting you pay for coffee, just tease her a little and hold firm.

  If you go on a second date with a woman, pay for this one too. If there is a chemistry developing, she will say something like, “You paid last time, let me get this one.” You can say, “No, this one is on me too. If all goes well with this date and you want to see me again, you can plan the next date and I’ll let you pay.”

  This is still you setting the tone as well as a great test of her interest. If she follows up with an invitation for another date, that suggests high interest. If she doesn’t ask you out on “her” date, she has low interest – move on.

  There are several reasons for meeting the woman at the coffee shop (or wherever) rather than picking her up. The main reason is security. She doesn’t know you and probably doesn’t want you coming to her home. If she has kids, she doesn’t want them to see her picked up by a man they don’t know. When the coffee date is over, you can part ways without you having to take her home. The date doesn’t get over extended.

  On your initial date, get to the location early. By arriving early, you can scope things out, grab a table and make sure it is cleaned off. (One former client of mine told me he always shows up late so the woman has to buy her own coffee before he gets there. I kicked his ass! Not the right way to set the tone.)

  When your date arrives, stand up and wait as she walks toward you. When she gets close, take one step toward her. If it is a first meeting in person, shake her hand and lightly touch her elbow with your other hand. If you have met before, do the same thing but also lean in and kiss her on the cheek. Make a comment of greeting and then either invite her to sit down or lead her to the order line. Ask her what she likes, and then order for her.

  First Date Basics

  I don’t want you to memorize the following first date suggestions. Study them though and be conscious of practicing three or four of them on your date. Don’t try and do it right. Remember, it is just practice. Most important, you are trying to ascertain the woman’s nature and check for interest (yours and hers). If you accomplish these basics, you are doing fine. The rest is just having fun and experimenting.

  •Be attentive and pay attention to details.

  •Lots of direct eye contact – face to face. Don’t be looking around; look at her. As you listen to her talk, move your eyes from her eyes to the top of her forehead and back down to her eyes. Hold for a moment and then do again. It is okay to look away when you are thinking, but then return eye contact again.

  •Share things about yourself, but keep the talk about you brief. Talk about you for about 45 seconds and then pause. Let her share or ask a question.

  •Don’t be negative or critical.

  •Don’t talk about exes.

  •Ask her questions about herself, but don’t interrogate, grill, or interview her.

  •Make fun of yourself. Tell about an embarrassing moment.

  •Don’t try to impress her.

  •Test for interest.

  •Set the tone, take the lead.

  Before the date, think of three questions you want to ask her. That way you can spend your energy responding to her answers instead of thinking of the next thing you want to know about her – this will keep the conversation going.

  Remember, most women like to talk. Don’t worry about filling the time. Get the ball rolling and she will probably do the rest.

  •Get her laughing! Show her your sense of humor. Tease her (at least once).

  •Tell her to do something (at least once).

  •Lean in and touch her (at least once), just to see how she responds. (Practice the “3 Ts” on every first date. At least once, tease her, touch her, and tell her to do something).

  •Breathe, relax your shoulders.

  •Smile (but forced or fake).

  •Give yourself permission to make mistakes.

  •Imagine the best.

  •Be yourself.

  •Have fun.

  Never bring your date gifts or flowers. You can start doing that after you have been dating a minimum of two months. Guys ask me if it is okay to tell a woman that you think she is pretty or that you like her. Simple answer, “No!” You can only compliment her in a playful way. “Wow, hot shoes!” “Mmmmm, like that perfume.” “Hey, great nails.” That’s it. Playful and one compliment only. If you had fun, tell her, but only once.

  Never ask if you can kiss her, hold her hand, etc. Just do it.

  Be a Gentleman

  Practice the following on the first date and on the 300th date. It will never grow old.

  •Remember what she likes. When possible, order for her.

  •Always open doors and let her enter first.

  •Always stand when she enters or leaves the room (in public).

  •Always let her be seated first.

  •Always open her car door (Always. Tell her to wait for you to open her door – a great way to set the tone AND be a gentleman).

  •When walking down a city sidewalk, walk between her and traffic.

  •Help her put her coat on and off.

  Don’t be overly obvious about any of these things. Be cool, make it look like second nature.

  Practice Being a Good Ender

  The initial date should never last longer than an hour. You have something to do at the end of an hour. You end it. If it is going well, leave her wanting more (the first date should never turn into an all-day outing). Have your exit strategy pre-planned (“I’m meeting a friend. . . ,” “I’m expecting a call from the east coast. . . ,” “I have to let the dog out. . .”)

  If you don’t plan on seeing her again, walk her to her car, shake her hand, smile, and say something like, "It was nice to meet you, I wish you all the best,” or "good luck with your dating.” Most people understand this code without having to be so blatant as saying “I’m not going to call again.” If she says she would like to see you again, tell her then that she is an interesting person but you just don't feel the chemistry.

  Don’t wuss out and tell her that you will call her when you know you won’t. This is a great opportunity to practice being a good ender.

  If you want to see your date again, walk her to her car and tell her something like, "This was fun. I'll give you a call." Kiss her on the cheek (this is the limit of the physical affection on the first date). The next day, send her a very brief email or text message telling her you enjoyed the date. Don’t contact her again for at least three days. Let her ponder for a few days just when you will call and what you will have planned. When you call, have a plan for something a little more intriguing than a basic coffee date, but still not a big production. Let it build.

  Let’s Be Friends

  What if you think the date has gone well and you tell her that you are going to call her again and she says she just wants to be friends? This is typically the kiss of death. Nice Guys and bad daters spend way too much time and energy trying to get unavailable women available and unaroused women aroused.

  BDs think it is good strategy to be friends with a woman to whom they are attracted and hope that someday she will want them in the same way. Don’t go there, it is dating suicide. Women rarely make the
leap from platonic friend to wild and crazy sex partner.

  This is an example of the woman setting the tone. If she sets the tone from the beginning of whatever relationship you have with her, that will probably never change.

  Practice, Practice, Practice

  I wrote this chapter while in Sayulita, MX, a little coastal town just north of Puerto Vallarta. The beach in Sayulita is known for its great surf, so I decided to take surf lessons while here.

  After a 15-minute introduction on dry land, I headed into the surf with my board and instructor. Over the course of an hour, I rode about 20 waves. I wiped out on every one.

  Most times, I wiped out before I ever really got started. On some attempts, after a few seconds. A couple of times, I actually felt the exhilaration of riding the waves – for a brief moment or two.

  But eventually, I wiped out on every ride I made.

  After each attempt, my instructor gave me something new on which to focus on my next ride. On some waves I paid attention to pushing up on the board. On others, I thought about where to place my back foot. On some rides I focused on how far up the board to place my front foot. Other times I worked on staying low with my weight on my front foot. On a couple of rides it all came together. Most of the time, it didn’t.

  None of my wipe outs were proof that I am a “failure” or a “loser.” None were proof that I lack the ability to surf. None were proof that surfing is too difficult for me to learn. They were just a predictable part of the learning curve. If you ride enough waves and learn from your failures and your successes, you eventually develop skills that increase your success rate and therefore your confidence level.

  Get the analogy?

  The 12/12 lets you wipe out over and over again. Each time you do, just go on another date and work on what you learned from the last date. Try out new skills, stretch yourself.

  Most importantly, have fun. Laugh at yourself (I had the biggest grin on my face after every single wipe out). Get back on the board and try again. You never know which wave will end up giving you the ride of your life!