Dating Essentials for Men

by Robert Glover

  You have to be willing to risk being told “no.” You have to lean into the fear of rejection. If the woman already has interest in you, this will drive her interest up even more.

  Your goal is to get to rejection as quickly as possible.

  You have to give her the chance to tell you “no.” Level Three testing allows you to do this effectively and quickly. Once you know a woman has low interest, you can move on and find a woman who has high interest. If you can’t test effectively, you’ll end up spending way too much time with the wrong woman – and not know it.

  Letting Go of Attachment

  In order to test boldly and clearly you have to detach from all investment in outcomes.

  Any agenda on your part will invalidate the test. As soon as you start caring about outcomes, you are no longer testing effectively.

  Attachment to outcome will make you “risk averse.”

  Effective testing requires “risk.” If you interact with a woman thinking, “I hope she likes me,” or “I hope she doesn’t reject me,” your testing will lose its effectiveness. Why? Because you will seem needy and timid, not assured or confident. Your agenda will get in the way of both how clearly you test and how accurately you read her response.

  Don’t worry about the outcome. Don’t worry how she feels about your testing. Just because a person responds with low interest doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you or that you did something wrong. One woman’s low interest is not an indicator that all women will have low interest.

  Let things go where they go.

  •If she has “high interest” – GREAT!

  •If she has “low interest” – GREAT!

  Getting Unstuck at Level Three

  Here’s an important point. Needing a woman’s approval is the biggest hindrance from moving from Level Two testing to Level Three testing.

  A lot of guys tell me that they get good at Level One and Level Two testing, but seem to get hung up on Level Three testing. They’ll tell me about good conversations they have with a woman. Everything goes well. The woman sends them good vibes. But when it is time to move to Level Three and require something of her, these guys freeze. They end up walking away kicking themselves for not pulling the trigger. These guys repeatedly get stuck at Level Two.

  Here is what is happening. These men are attached to getting a woman’s approval.

  Once they have her approval at Levels One and Two, they don’t want to do anything that might risk losing it. This need for feminine approval is so strong, these men will walk away from a woman who is showing high interest because they are afraid of doing anything that might cause her to think less of them.

  Moving to Level Three always involves risk. If you are attached to needing women to always approve of you – or put another way – if you are terrified of having a woman disapprove of you, you will probably never do what it takes to really test for interest.

  To be successful at testing, you have to let go of your attachment to needing women to approve of you. Your need for feminine approval is actually what has kept you from getting the love and sex you want.

  Testing for interest everywhere you go is a great way to practice letting go of needing universal approval, especially the approval of women. Not every woman is going to approve of you, that’s okay. You don’t need women to approve of you. If you are willing to risk the loss of a few women thinking you are a great guy, you actually open the door to getting to know some really great women.

  Most men quit testing before women quit showing high interest.

  Don’t be one of those guys. As long as a woman is showing high interest, keep testing. Give her the chance to tell you “no.” But more importantly, give her the chance to tell you “YES!”

  Projecting Confidence

  Bold testing projects confidence. There are some very specific things you can do as you progress through the levels of testing to make you look even more confident.

  Set the tone and take the lead.

  Bad daters have a hard time with this one because they don’t want to be controlling. They want to be the perfect gentleman. If this is true for you, you probably believe that letting the woman set the tone is respectful.

  Your mother probably taught you to be respectful to women, or your father didn’t treat your mother well, or you’ve listened to too many women complain about the “jerks” who treat them badly. Whatever – you’ve come to believe that showing women the traits that will project confidence will make you appear like a “bad man.” This is your own internal self-limiting belief. Women love a confident man with a plan.

  Take the risk.

  Women will see your bold initiative as confidence. Women don’t want to be burdened with making decisions about where the relationship goes. They want you to have a plan and present it with style and enthusiasm. Not only does this project confidence, but it is also a great test of whether or not the woman will follow (and shows you how high her interest is).

  Tell her what to do.

  Telling a woman what to do may seem not “nice,” but as we’ve discussed in previous lessons, women are not turned on by “nice.” Telling her to do what she already wants to do ratchets up her interest in you, shows her you are a leader and projects a hell of a lot of confidence.

  Being assertive isn’t controlling, it is giving her an option.

  Tell her to meet you somewhere, “Meet me tomorrow at 4:00 at Joe’s for happy hour.”

  Tell her what to do, “Buy me a drink,” “Order for me,” “Rub my neck, it’s really sore.”

  Tell her what to do without even speaking a word. Point to your cheek and lean toward her (expecting a kiss). Grab her hand and lead her somewhere.

  Obey the “Three-Second Rule.”

  Whenever you see a woman or group of women whom you want to interact, don’t hesitate, move in and test immediately. This projects confidence. Every time you hesitate longer than three seconds, you give your mind a chance to think too much (thinking causes anxiety, acting cures it).

  Your anxiety will skyrocket and you either won’t approach and test or you will do so clumsily. By following the Three Second Rule, you will always approach without hesitation and say the first thing that comes to mind. What comes out of your mouth will be fresh, spontaneous and engaging. You will look confident.

  Get her number.

  If you have received high interest at level one and two and want to get a phone number, take out your mobile phone and say, “Give me your number.” Tell her, “I’m going to call you and set a time to continue our conversation.” Key her number in and push call. Give it a chance to ring. “There, I’ve got your number and you’ve got mine.” Later, enter her name along with the number that is already recorded in your phone.

  When She Doesn’t Seem to Show High Interest at Level Three

  Sometimes a woman will appear to show high interest at Level One and Level Two, but when you test at Level Three, she responds with low interest. This can be confusing, but don’t try and figure it out.

  •Some women enjoy male attention and flirting even if they aren’t interested in developing a relationship (or aren’t available for a relationship).

  •Sometimes a woman just doesn’t walk through the door you have opened.

  •Perhaps she is afraid or just hasn’t talked herself into it yet.

  Who knows, it doesn’t matter. If a woman has shown high interest at the first two levels of testing, but seeming low interest at Level Three, it doesn’t hurt to try one more test. Sometimes she just needs one more opportunity to walk through the door. Maybe your test hasn’t been bold enough.

  Weak Tests

  A college-age client of mine asked me about a situation where one of his female friends from high school had been acting more friendly than usual. He was attracted to her and wondered how he could test her interest. I suggested he set up a coffee date with her. When she entered the coffee shop, I told him to walk toward her, put his hand on the small of her back, fi
rmly and confidently pull her toward him and give her a kiss on the lips.

  He exclaimed, “Oh no, what if she goes ballistic?”

  He told me he was thinking about sending her flowers to test her interest. I explained that she wouldn’t go ballistic if he kissed her and that sending flowers isn’t a test – it doesn’t require anything of the woman. The only way he could really assess her true interest level was take the lead and see if she followed.

  Another client told me that he had been on five dates with a woman. She kept going out with him but never showed any affection. He wondered if she was interested in him or just interested in the dates he took her on. I asked him if he had tested her. He told me that on their last date that he had put his hand lightly on her back while walking down the street. I told him this wasn’t an effective test, because she would have no idea what his touch meant and nothing was required of her. I suggested that on their next date, while walking down the street, he turn to her and say, “Oh, I almost forgot. . . . .” Put his arm around her waist, pull her in and give her a deep kiss. Her response would tell him everything he needed to know.

  All of the practices above make you look confident even when you don’t feel confident. Remember, CONFIDENCE – not looks, money, or penis size – is the number one aphrodisiac for women! When you boldly test at Level Three – when you require something of a woman – you project confidence!

  Remember, when a man projects confidence, a woman experiences the same kind of arousal chemicals in her brain that a man experiences when a woman lifts her shirt and shows him her breasts. Even if she isn’t available or you aren’t her type, she will still feel the “buzz” – it’s biological. Use this evolutionary response in your favor.

  Don’t Take Anything a Woman Does Personally

  Testing and letting go of attachment helps you get over taking a woman’s low interest personally. Nothing a woman does is personal. Whatever her response may be, it is about her, not you.

  Think about it, you come into contact with numerous women throughout the course of the week. You don’t have high interest in every woman you meet. This doesn’t mean you are “rejecting” them or think they are worthless human beings. Your low interest is telling a story about you, not them, because many other men might have high interest in them.

  Reverse this logic. Just because one individual woman shows low interest in you, that doesn’t mean she is “rejecting” you or that you are a worthless human being. It isn’t personal. Her low interest doesn’t mean that all women will have low interest in you. It doesn’t mean that she might not have high interest in you on another day. This is just a reality of life.

  Here is a simple illustration. You walk into a pizza place that has five or six kinds of pizza already cooked behind the counter. You pick one kind and they heat a slice for you. In that moment, you brain expresses high interest in one type of pizza (perhaps pepperoni) and lower interest in all the other kinds on display. This doesn’t mean that you dislike the other kinds. This doesn’t mean that on another day, you might not have high interest in the vegetarian pizza and lower interest in the pepperoni. It isn’t about the pizza, it is about you. Who knows why you choose one type one day another type another day? There is no need to figure it out. It just is.

  The same principles apply to personal attraction. A person’s response to you can change from day to day, week to week. It can’t be figured out and it isn’t personal.

  Outs – How to Save Face

  Most guys won’t test and take risks if they are worried about negative outcomes. Letting go of attachment to outcome helps. In fact, the more you test, the less effect low interest responses will have on you. They become a part of everyday life. You will find that this practice will also open you up to take risks in other areas of life.

  I have found that early on, having some pre-prepared, face-saving “outs” can be helpful in pushing through the initial anxiety of testing. These outs are what you fall back on if you get a low interest response. If you get a low interest response at Level One, you typically don’t have to do anything. At Level Two, just smile and say, “Have a nice day.”

  At Level Three where the test requires a response from the woman, outs can be helpful. If you boldly test and get a low interest response, your outs ensure that you aren’t left standing there feeling foolish with your tail between your legs. Your outs will give you more confidence to take risks.

  Some possible Level Three outs might include (say them confidently with a smile):

  •“You can’t blame a guy for trying.”

  •“Take it as a compliment.”

  •“That’s okay, when you drop your boyfriend next week, give me a call.”

  •“Don’t worry, I won’t tell your husband if you don’t.”

  •“You won’t be able to get me out of your head.”

  Even your outs will project confidence. They might even raise her interest level to a point where she decides to connect with you after all.

  Walk through the open door!

  As long as you are getting high interest responses, don’t stop testing.

  The biggest mistake most guy’s make is that they quit testing long before a woman stops showing high interest. Since testing raises a woman’s interest level, ongoing testing has the power to take relationships to unimaginable levels.

  Level Three testing continues even after the initial encounter. If you meet up and continue to see each other, you need to continue to set the tone and take the lead. She may playfully object to you telling her what to do, even as she follows your directions.

  As soon as you get passive and start asking her what she wants to do, her interest level will wane quickly.

  Remember, tell her to do what she already wants to do. Do it playfully and do it with love. You will take her places she has never been and open her up in ways that she never imagined possible.

  She will thank you for being such a powerful man!

  Chapter 17: Banter and Flirt Like a Pro (Even if You’re Shy or Introverted)

  Relax, take the lid off, and let the real you come out.

  I frequently hear men in my Dating Essentials for Men classes and seminars say things like:

  “I don’t know how to talk to a woman.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “I’m not funny.”

  “I’m not interesting.”

  What these guys are really saying is that they don’t know how to banter and flirt. Learning these skills is easier than you think. This ability will supercharge your dating experience, is an exceptional tool for testing for interest, and a great way of communicating your interest.

  Both bantering and flirting are primarily the manifestation of a mental attitude. These behaviors demonstrate confidence – they show your social IQ, your intelligence, and your comfort with your sexuality.

  This combination of traits is a powerful turn-on for the female mind. By demonstrating your fun, playful, and sensual side, it is easier to get a woman to play along with you.

  We could probably split hairs over exactly what bantering and flirting are, but I define “banter” as a playful verbal repartee. Bantering can be done in many contexts with both men and women. It is when you add sexual energy to banter that you get “flirting.”

  If you have high sexual interest in a woman, flirting is a great way of testing her “fuckability” (is she a cool chick and do you experience sexual chemistry with her?). Since playfulness and comfort with one’s sexuality are key ingredients of great sex, it is good to find out if the woman you are testing is comfortable with these aspects of herself.

  Many bad daters don’t banter or flirt well because it makes them feel vulnerable. They don’t want to risk rejection, they are afraid of sex, and/or they are afraid of women. Some BDs don’t grasp innuendo, humor, or subtle social cues well.

  You don’t have to banter or flirt to get a woman’s attention, but it helps. The more comfortable and adept you become with banter
ing and flirting, the more opportunity you will have to connect quickly with a greater number of women. Even if you’re not a natural, I am convinced you can learn how to banter and flirt better. This lesson will teach you how.

  Create a Feeling

  Attraction for a woman is primarily determined by how she feels. Therefore, bantering and flirting are an ideal way to create a positive feeling state. Creating this emotional state is your goal. You aren’t trying to impress her, make her like you, or draw attention to yourself. You goal is to test for interest and make her feel good. You are helping her have fun and inviting her into your world where she can have a better time than she was having before she met you.

  Bantering and flirting are all about being yourself.

  They aren’t about putting on a show. You are inviting a woman to get to know you. You don’t have to be clever and you don’t have to entertain her. Bantering and flirting allow a woman to see the cool you that isn’t wrapped up in worry, anxiety, and self-doubt.

  You just have to relax, take the lid off, and let the real you come out.

  Get Out of Your Head

  To banter and flirt successfully, you have to get out of your head. Most bad daters live inside their “thinker” and are always obsessing about themselves. BDs worry about looking foolish or anxious. They fret about not saying or doing the right thing. They obsess about what might go wrong. They worry way too much about what people will think of them.

  STOP!

  Stop worrying. The experts claim that when a woman meets you, only seven percent of her initial impression of you is based on what you say. The other 93 percent is based on your appearance and body language. This is where attitude comes in – just say something!

  When you walk into a room, own it. Tell yourself that you are “The Man,” and that women want to get to know you. It makes more sense to present that kind of image than the one you present when you are spinning in your head consumed with anxiety and self-doubt. Stop worrying. Present the very best YOU! – the smart, affectionate, funny YOU!

  Most BDs have some degree of social anxiety. Talking to an attractive woman ratchets up every man’s anxiety. That is why you can’t wait until you see an attractive woman to figure out how you are going to test, banter, or flirt. You had better already be doing it every day with everyone you meet. Practice bantering with servers, baristas, grandmas, and little children. This daily practice will help you be more relaxed. Your interactions will be a lot more natural and enjoyable to you and the woman!