Dating Essentials for Men

by Robert Glover

  Since you are going to meet a lot of women who won’t qualify as a Really Great Woman for you, if you can’t successfully practice “catch and release” with these women, you will be in deep trouble. Being a good ender is essential in order to limit the amount of time you spend with women who aren’t potential RGWs and leave the door open for meeting women who are.

  Beyond this, you can get away with being a bad picker if you are a good ender. Being a good ender is the best dating insurance you can buy.

  Facing Fears

  When I ask guys in my dating courses what their greatest fears are, “breaking up” is always in the top three. Bad daters tend to fear breaking up for a number of reasons:

  •They are afraid it might be a mistake – they might regret it later.

  •They might be seen as a “Jerk.”

  •They don’t want to hurt anyone.

  •They fear a backlash from a negative societal view of men who dump women.

  •As men, they are biologically and socially programmed to provide and protect.

  •They fear a blow-up and/or reprisal.

  •They have too much to lose.

  •There might be kids involved.

  •They hope it will get better.

  •They have religious issues, “I made a commitment.”

  Even though it can be frightening to think about breaking up with a woman, it is an essential skill for finding the kind of woman who is worth spending a potentially large chunk of your life.

  Catch & Release

  Here are the basics of effective breaking up:

  If you don’t want to see her again after the first date, just shake her hand and say “It was nice to meet you. Good luck with your dating.” That is code for “I’m not going to call you back.” If she says she wants to see you again, tell her then that you don’t feel enough chemistry to keep dating. Don’t tell her you will call if you’re not going to.

  If you have been on two or three dates and haven’t had sex, it is okay to just quit calling or send her an email telling her that you enjoyed getting to know her but don’t feel enough chemistry to keep dating.

  If you have been dating for a month or more, I suggest the following:

  •Sooner is always better than later. It doesn’t get easier after two weeks, or two months, or two years, or two kids. It only gets harder the longer you wait.

  •Keep it short and to the point. Use the “Two Sentence Rule” (“Whatever needs to be said can be said best in two sentences or less”).

  •Never use the “It’s not you, it’s me” routine – It is bullshit. You are breaking up with her for one reason and one reason only: You have low interest in continuing to date her because she does not have the qualities to be your Really Great Woman.

  •Don’t try and give her a “reasonable” reason. You are breaking up because you have “low interest.” It is that simple. Even if you used to have “high” interest, you don’t have to explain what changed.

  •Don’t give her anything with which to argue or get you off the subject.

  •Use “I messages.” “I am ending this. . .” Not, “We should end this. . .”

  •Make a direct, powerful statement. Don’t be wishy washy or use wishy washy words. “It is time to end this. . . .” not, “Maybe we should break up. . . “

  •Don’t try and soften it.

  •Don’t try and break it to her easy – she’ll see it coming and have her defenses up.

  Bad Breakup Strategies

  Don’t wait for a “Greyhound Divorce.” It is amazing how often I hear Nice Guys who are in bad relationships or in relationships with women who aren’t their Really Great Woman express a passive and unloving wish about their partner:

  “I wish she would just leave me for another guy, then I won’t have to break up with her.”

  “Maybe she’ll get cancer and die and then I won’t look like a schmuck for breaking up with her.”

  “Maybe she’ll get hit by a Greyhound bus so I don’t have to end it.”

  A second common passive-aggressive Nice Guy approach to ending a relationship is to either be so unavailable for so long or to act so badly (cheat on her with her best friend, spend countless hours looking at online porn) that she finally gets fed up and kicks your ass out.

  I call this destructive approach to breaking up the “Ben Affleck, Break up by Stripper” strategy.

  This label is a combination of the term “Suicide by Cop” (where a guy is too chicken-shit to kill himself, so he incites a cop to shoot him in self-defense) and actor Ben Affleck’s way of getting J-Lo to dump him when she found out he was hanging out with strippers and dropping hundreds of thousands of dollars gambling in Vegas (considering that people like Affleck are followed by hordes of picture snapping paparazzi, did he really think Jennifer wouldn’t find out about his bad behavior)?

  Breaking up is just one more facet of “setting the tone” in a relationship. If a woman is not your RGW, ending it is the loving and manly thing to do. Don’t put it off or wait for it to die a slow, agonizing, dehumanizing death.

  Pre-Breakup Discussion

  I recommend having a pre-breakup discussion anytime you start dating a woman seriously. When you have the discussion about dating exclusively, this is a good time to talk about how you will break up. Odds are you will, so why not be mature and discuss how you will go about it if and when you do.

  Rather than just fighting a lot, cheating, or pulling away from each other when it is time to break up, sit down and talk about it in the way you determined you would in your pre-breakup discussion. This allows both of you to get all the way in and avoids unnecessary speculating if the person is thinking about breaking up if they seem a little distant or preoccupied from time to time.

  I have had such pre-breakup discussions with a few women I was starting to get serious with and all appreciated it. I tell them that they won’t have to guess if I am losing interest, I will sit down and talk with them about how I am feeling. This made the women feel safe about letting go and getting more deeply involved with me.

  Be Willing to be The “Jerk”

  Women are security seeking creatures. Therefore, a breakup will probably mess with a woman’s sense of emotional (and perhaps financial) security. When you break up with a woman you have been dating, she might initially have a strong emotional reaction. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong.

  You have to be willing to be seen as the “Jerk.” Don’t be a jerk, but allow her to project this on you so she can emotionally disengage from you. Keep in mind, she will probably bounce back quickly and be in a new relationship before you.

  Knowing You Can Get Out

  Here is one of the most important truths of successful dating:

  You probably won’t risk getting in if you are not sure you can get out.

  That is why learning to be a good ender is so essential to successful dating – both in terms of having the courage to initiate and having the courage to break up with a woman who isn’t your RGW. If you know you can get out, you can date lots of women and risk getting “all in” with the ones who look promising without so much fear of being trapped and smothered.

  If you follow the principles presented in this book, your break-ups should be pretty clean because you have been following the rules – going slow, testing, observing her nature, watching for red flags, and testing interest level (yours and hers).

  Most break ups get ugly because the guy waits way too long. A good break up can be done lovingly and without unnecessary drama if you follow the rules above and do it as soon as you realize a woman isn’t your RGW. I am still on very good terms with some ex-girlfriends because of the way I broke up with them. I did it in a timely manner, directly, and with love. As a result, these women still see me as a good man and stay in contact with me. That’s not necessarily true for my ex-wives with whom I did not end so well!

  It doesn’t matter if you are looking for love and a long-term
relationship, or a very short term sexual encounter, being a good ender helps insure that all of your experiences end as good as they began.

  Remember, being a good ender can cover a multitude of sins when you make the occasional bad choice in a woman. Not only does it help you close the doors that need closing, it will help open new doors down the road.

  Dating Essentials for Men Wrap-Up

  It works if you work it.

  Conscious dating is a powerful, personal-growth machine. Not only will the principles in this book help you meet a lot of great women and get you laid, they will grow you as a man.

  Conscious dating challenges you, gets you out of your comfort zone, teaches you new social skills, helps you face your fears and soothe yourself, and provides a roadmap for becoming a more powerful, integrated man.

  Women are attracted to a man who looks like he knows where he is going and is having a good time doing it.

  The skills I teach in Dating Essentials for Men have resulted directly from my own dating experience. As I practiced the principles I have taught you, I met a lot of amazing women, had a lot of great sex, enjoyed a handful of enriching long-term relationships.

  Even more, from my practicing the skills I teach in Dating Essentials for Men, my life has taken off in so many other ways as well. My business is doing great, I live in Mexico, I do what I love, I am in good shape and good health, I have more than enough money, I wake up every day excited about the adventure, and I continuously encounter doors of opportunity that open in front of me.

  Contrast this to where I was when I started dating in my late 40’s. I was devastated from a divorce, overcoming a bankruptcy, not sure if my business was going to survive, struggling with depression and loneliness, and just not really sure where my life was taking me.

  What changed? It really was as simple as this:

  I got out of the house.

  I expanded my route.

  I talked to people everywhere I went.

  I tested for interest.

  I walked through open doors.

  I had fun.

  My final words of advice to you:

  Keep working at it.

  Be gentle with yourself.

  Let go of attachment to outcome.

  Remember, it’s all practice.

  Dr. Robert Glover

  Dr. Glover is the author of the bestselling book No More Mr. Nice Guy. His website drglover.com features numerous online self-help courses, workshops, podcasts, groups, and trained coaches and therapists.

  As the creator of Dating Essentials for Men, Dr. Glover has empowered thousands of men to transform their lives. By helping them overcome self-limiting beliefs and learn effective dating skills, these men have become more social, found love and fulfilling relationships, and created satisfying sex lives.

  Dr. Glover lives in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

  Contact Dr. Glover at: robert@drglover.com

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