I Married an Alien Handyman: A Spicy, Steamy Romp Across Alien Galaxies

by Nora Nolan

  “Okay, ladies, we’ve got to get to the bottom of this. I propose we all take turns telling our experiences and comparing notes. Let’s each tell our stories before everyone jumps in and we get off-track. I’ll go first.”

  She pulled out a sheet of notes she’d made earlier with bullet points so she wouldn’t leave anything out. “Oh, good idea,” Ella interrupted. “Do you have any more paper?”

  “Yeah, sure. Here. Anyone else?”

  The others used their cells for notes.

  Sally continued. “It started Friday afternoon when I came out of the grocery store. An ad on the bulletin board got my attention – it seemed to have some special effects and lighting, but it was paper.” Sally saw Ella and Cheryl both narrow their eyes and make a note. “Anyway, I took the ad. It was for a handyman.” Narrower eyes. Another note.

  “Anyway, I felt I had to call the number. I really didn’t even need the work done – I mean, it hadn’t been working in months and there was no rush. But still, I called. When he arrived, I was bowled over. The hunkiest man in the world came to my door. He had to be seven or eight feet tall. Oh, Lord, I wanted to melt into him. He was my dream. My perfect man. I felt like a kid in junior high. Sometimes I had the impression he could read my mind. Not just once in a while like he’d make a lucky guess, but the whole time. It was as though he followed my thoughts.”

  She saw all the girls make a note, either on paper or on their phones.

  She continued. “Oh, and Lord have mercy, when he touched me. It was more than static electricity that was shocking. There was a heat, a penetrating heat that kept me on edge. I couldn’t get enough.”

  “Stop, girl, I have to say something, I don’t care what the rules are.” Ella couldn’t contain herself. “Remember when I told you guys I was sick last week? I wasn’t. Alan hit me and I had a black eye. I just didn’t want you to know and worry about me. On Saturday, I still had parts of the bruise left that morning. Then after Mark held me and I felt that same heat, all the bruising was gone. I’ve had bruises before. They don’t go away like that.”

  “All right,” Sally said, “let’s hear from you next.”

  “Here goes,” Ella said and took a deep breath. “Alan punched some holes in my walls and I wanted to have them fixed. And yes, I told him to get lost. I looked on Craigslist, and found his ad for Mark, my handyman. It had strange lighting effects, too. I called him. For some reason, I had to call, like I wasn’t in control of myself. And while I was on the phone leaving a message for Mark, Alan kicked down my front door. I ran to hide, and the message I left for Mark must have captured all the sounds. Next thing I know, my giant hero is bounding to my rescue. He knocked the hell out of Alan, took him away, and came back and not only repaired the house, but I think he repaired me, too. I was literally rescued by my own fantasy version of a knight in shining armor.”

  “Good grief. This is embarrassing,” Cheryl said, dropping her face in her hands.

  Sally looked at her, then laughed when she realized what must have happened. “So, did your knight in shining armor spank your ass?” They’d all heard Cheryl say many times that her dream man would know she wanted and needed it. She wouldn’t have to tell him or ask him.

  Cheryl took a deep breath and sighed ruefully. “Yeah.” Then her smile took on a sexy aspect. “He did. He knew so much about what I needed. You’re right. He followed my thoughts, too.”

  “That leaves me and Av.” Zoe launched into her account. “My air conditioner died Saturday morning. I got on Facebook for recommendations, and up pops a running video and an ad. Even though I have those options turned off! But the video, like, split in two, it’s hard to describe. There was an original track, but another separate track just for me. It’s hard to explain, mainly because it’s freakin’ impossible. Still don’t know how he did it. That same magic, I guess. But just like you guys – I couldn’t resist calling his number. So, here comes Glen, the most perfect man ever. Sizzlin’ hot. When he went outside to work on the a/c, I sat down to work at my pc. But did I work? No, I did not. Before I realized it, I had a hot pic from a BDSM website up on the screen and I had my hand in my undies, doing exactly what I wanted Glen to do to me. I must have been awfully into it, because guess who walked in and caught me?”

  The ladies all cackled, glad that at least that hadn’t been their experience. Even Ava hadn’t known that part.

  “Yep, you got it. Then before I knew what was happening, he had his hand in my pants and picked up right where I left off. Hottest. Thing. Ever. Then he took me out while the house cooled off, and said he wanted to take me to dinner. I already had plans with Ava, so, he brought Dan into the picture so we could double.”

  Sally was in the middle of summarizing the similarities of their shared experiences when they all noticed an odd quiet from the main room. It was then that the men walked into the alcove. The women looked at them questioningly as the men settled in at the table. There were only three extra chairs, so Mark picked up Ella out of her chair, sat down, and gently sat her down on his lap. She liked how it felt so intimate, and she liked how it sent the silent message to anyone watching that she belonged to him.

  Dan did the same thing with Ava, whispering, “There. You can sit in The Dan Zone.”

  Ava gasped, knowing he had to have read her mind that first night when he sat beside her in the backseat of the SUV. He smiled and whispered, “You’re so close I could stick out my tongue and lick you.” As she tried desperately to remember everything she’d thought of during the course of that night, he pulled her in closer and kissed her cheek. “It’s good to see you again, darlin. I missed you.” That didn’t calm her rapidly beating heart.

  Sam put his arm around Sally; their chairs were already touching. He looked around at all the women, each either held by or pulled into the arm of her man.

  “We owe you explanations. You’ll get them, in detail. For now, though, the first thing – and the main thing - we want you to know is that this is real. Sally, I plan to spend the rest of my life with you. We might have manipulated situations a bit, but the emotions are real. This isn’t a game, and we aren’t playing.”

  “So,” Ava intoned, looking at Dan then back at Sam, “this manipulating the situation… you can read minds?”

  “Not everyone’s mind, and to varying degrees. Once we’ve pair-bonded, though, chances are very good that we can read our mate’s intense thoughts. Fleeting ones, not so much. Sometimes we can read other people’s thoughts when there’s intense emotion. Women, that is, and men from earth. We can’t read each other’s, though.”

  Dan pulled Ava closer and caressed her arm.

  “Wait a minute,” Zoe held up her hands. “Where the hell are you people from? Nobody around here talks like that – pair bonding and mind reading. Are we really supposed to just accept this tripe?”

  Sam answered. “That’s a fair question. Maybe it would be easier to show you than explain. Let’s go outside and regroup, then decide where to go that’s private. Men?”

  Sam pulled out his wallet and left plenty of money to pay for their drinks with an extra generous tip. The men walked their mates outside and guided them to the rear of the lot, out of the sightline of others. They exuded an air of excitement that had the women curious enough to be eager to go with them.

  Sally turned in Sam’s arm to face him. “Are you really taking us to wherever it is you’re from?”

  “Not just yet, sugar, but it’ll be easier to show you this way.”

  The men all pulled their cell phones from their pockets at the same time, pressing buttons. Sally felt a tingly sensation all over her, then looked at everyone else as they each disintegrated into a shaft of light that was gone in an instant.

  * * *

  Suddenly they reappeared in a different place, in the same relative positions they’d been in on the parking lot, and still huddled together in pairs. It was a big room with a huge table in the middle of the space. Each man guided his mate to a chair,
and each of the women looked at each other, realizing that most of the furniture in this place was scaled for the men.

  “What the hell was that, and where the hell are we?” It was Sally, asking with fearful eyes.

  “Did we just get freakin’ beamed?” It was Ava, about to hyperventilate. Dan picked her up and placed her on his lap in The Dan Zone again.

  “It’s all right, darlin. You’re fine. We’re all fine. We’re in our ship now.”

  “Ship? As in, space ship?”

  “Yes.”

  Zoe jumped in, in a hysterical tone. “All you did was press a button on your cell phone. Are you telling me there’s a fuckin’ app for that?”

  Glen chuckled at her. “You got us. They’re advanced communication systems that hold most of the capabilities of our ship. They’re disguised as earth phones so they don’t arouse suspicion. And they are fully functional as phones, too. We even make calls with them. Or watch porn. Just like you do, sunshine.” Zoe’s cheeks colored, remembering how he caught her.

  Sam picked back up. “Sally, I wasn’t kidding when I said my species mates for life. The five of us came to earth of find our mates. You’re the women we want. Now that we’re mated and pair-bonded, it’s the same as being married.”

  “Actually, Ella and I are married by default,” Mark reminded them. I saved her life, then we consummated the relationship.”

  “Right,” Sam said. “If the rest of you want actual wedding ceremonies, we can arrange it. As ship’s captain, I can marry people. I can even perform my own marriage ceremony.”

  Sally jumped in. “Wait. Back up. Where exactly is your home?”

  Sam raised his hand and executed some movements with his fingers. A hologram that everyone recognized as earth appeared over the table. Sam slowly made additional movements that made the hologram pan out further, and the women all knew they were seeing a broadened view of the universe, comparatively little by little, as he made it scroll. Sam led them through several galaxies before beginning to zoom in again. Soon, he zoomed in on a little planet remarkably like earth. “This is Bargella, our home. Your home, too, if you agree to our marriages and go with us.”

  “No way,” Ella challenged. “That’s light-years away. We could never travel that far, not in our lifetime.” She looked at Mark, then back at Sam.

  Mark jumped in. “Oh, sweetie, it’s easy when you know where all the wormholes are. We can make the trip in eight earth days.” He smiled at her look of incredulity. “Our ancestors have been making this trip for thousands of years.”

  Chapter 9: The Explanation

  “Let me explain one more thing, then I’ll go back to the beginning, as it affects us now.” Sam took a deep breath. “Bargella is divided into eleven tribes. You might liken our tribes to a large clan or nation, much like your Native American nations. I know you’ve heard of the Cherokee Nation, or the Sioux Nation. We’re not exactly the same, but for the sake of our discussion, it’ll give you a frame of reference. We aren’t talking about set land line boundaries; the nations can overlap geographically, and they do. We’ve been a very peaceful land for thousands of years, but more about that later.

  “The planet is governed by a High Council, a committee composed of eleven members: the leaders of each tribe. The men around this table are each chieftains of their tribes. The leaders of the other tribes are back on our planet; they’re already married. We’ve come to find our perfect mates to save our race. You are those mates. As our chieftesses, or queens, if you will, you’ll hold elevated statuses. You should understand that the role of a chieftess, the mate of a chieftain, is highly coveted.”

  Cheryl jumped in. “Save your race? I can’t even keep a plant alive. I’m just not getting this.”

  “I think now it’s time to go back to the beginning. It might make more sense.”

  Sam had been standing, but he joined them at the table before continuing.

  “Our people have always traveled the universes. Even before we had the High Council system of government, we were travelers. We were rogues, but still managed to achieve what you would think of as advanced technologies. As our civilization developed, various cultures we encountered in our travels influenced our thoughts and our customs. Once we developed the Council system, we knew as a governing body that we needed sweeping changes. The Council set out to find the best of the all the worlds to bring home to Bargella.

  “Our people were originally shapeshifters.”

  “Oh!” Ella interjected. “You mean like humans who transform into wolves?”

  “Those are fiction, but yes, along those lines. Except our ancestors could assume any shape they wished, not just wolves. Back then, it was the primary thing that allowed us to travel and successfully intermingle with the natives of each planet we visited. We’d visited earth before, but it was during a trip here eight or nine thousand years ago that members of the High Council and a few ground parties spent a good deal of time living in various places. Although not technically advanced, humans generally displayed a high intellectual capacity, and most, depending on where they were, demonstrated compassion and respect for right and wrong. That is highly regarded by Bargellans, especially at that time.

  “You can probably well imagine that shapeshifting would be a good way to escape any kind of retribution for crimes. As a result, crime was rampant in our culture. How can you catch a murderer when he commits it as an assumed shape, then shifts into a bird form, and flies away?

  “Our ancestors found human forms to be aesthetically pleasing and functional, and they made a radical decision. Bargellan life forms going forward would assume human shapes. They made laws to prohibit shapeshifting to anything other than a human form, but that obviously wasn’t enough. Our scientists came up with a solution. Using human DNA creatively, and having many of us marry human women, we could eradicate our race of the shapeshifting gene and make us permanently of human form.”

  “Whoa. It boggles my mind that an advanced alien society would choose us as role models.” Ava shook her head in wonder.

  Dan smiled indulgently at her. “In an intergalactic sense, humans are to be admired.” Then he whispered, “Particularly when they look like you. And fuck like you do.”

  Sam continued. “The Council was of the opinion that if the planet’s leaders married earthlings, then it would demonstrate that marriage to them must be a desirable thing. It would be accepted more readily by the general population. So a few thousand years ago, some of our landing party married earth women. Several hundred more women left earth to come back to Bargella with us upon promise of marriage, provided they had input and approval of their mate’s final shifted form. Turned out they all seemed to want the same general physical features in a man: exceptional height, strong musculature, attractive facial features, and large genitalia.

  “Our scientists and geneticists now had a model to work toward. Using recombinant DNA and selective gene practices, they developed something similar to vaccines for all Bargellans. Within just a few generations, the shapeshifting gene had been eradicated, and we were all born in human form. At least the women were, and still are. Men are still in the image that was desired by the earth women all those years ago, a modified human form.”

  The women all eyed each other, but it was Sally who spoke up. “So you’re saying all Bargellan men look… like you guys?”

  Sam answered her. “Yes, sugar, we’re all similar. Of course, just like on earth, we are individuals and individual likenesses vary. But even our shorter men would seem tall by your standards.”

  Cheryl still had some basic questions. “While this is fascinating, I still don’t understand what brings you to earth now. What role do we play here?”

  “Biology. As on earth, sometimes genes mutate. In our case, the most insidious mutation is when vestiges of the repressed and recessive shapeshifter gene reappears and becomes dominant. On occasion, usually after hundreds of years, a few people in their late teens or twenties will find that they can
shift. Soon, shapeshifters will be born. The typical pattern is that one will be born, then they’ll begin to pop up here and there. Our solution is to go back to earth for more DNA.”

  “And that’s why you want us now?” Cheryl asked.

  Paul answered her. “It’s why we came here. But the reason I want you is because I pair-bonded with you, and now I’m in love with you. In all of either of our worlds, there isn’t anyone else for me.” He kissed her sweetly.

  Sam went on. “We want you as our wives, or chieftesses, because we want to spend our lives with you. Yes, we want your DNA, and just as it did in ancient times, pairing with you will demonstrate to our populace that we are committed to human forms and don’t want to return to the lawlessness and duplicity of indiscriminate shapeshifting.”

  “You don’t need human male DNA?”

  “We could use it, but there’s no need. Besides, the few earth men who moved to Bargella didn’t take to it well.” Sam hung his head just a little, trying not to be smug. “I think it’s an inferiority thing.” The other men stifled their grins.

  “We’ll harvest your DNA, do some splicing and recombination, and replicate some of your mitochondrial properties for mass production. Then the vaccines will be distributed planet-wide to both men and women.”

  “Will you change us? Do we have to have any vaccines or anything like that to live there?” Ella was worried.

  “No, sweetie,” Mark answered her. “You’ll be fine as you are. Besides, we don’t want to do anything that might alter your DNA if we need it again.”

  Sam looked at the men in turn, and by silent mutual agreement, they decided that was probably all their mates could wrap their heads around at one time.

  “Look, I know this is strange and unreal, even surreal, to you ladies. We’ll take you home now and answer any more questions you have individually.”

  The men took out their cell phones.