by Rona Jameson
My sadness crept along my spine and I slowly calmed the kiss down and put Fallon away from me, when all I wanted to do was pull her even closer. She stared at me in surprise, her fingers stroked over her lower lip while her eyes searched mine.
I couldn’t continue to hold her gaze, so I moved toward the car. “I’ll take you home.”
Fallon didn’t speak but climbed into the car and fastened her seatbelt.
I’d always love her, I just wished I could tell her.
31
Fallon
Dressed for prom, I didn’t feel like I had last year when I’d known I was going to be spending the night with Rogan. My dress was simple in a black silky fabric to match my recent mood. I’d yet to slip my feet into the high heels that went with the dress because my heart really wasn’t in it. I wasn’t going to let Daniel down, though.
He was a handsome boy who was my age. He had light blond hair and a slight build, and he always appeared happy. I was afraid I was leading him on by being his date to prom, and how our friendship was progressing. I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea about our friendship, and wondered how I was going to tell him. I liked spending time with him and he took my mind off my screwed up life.
The sound of footsteps clunking upstairs caught my attention. I knew it couldn’t be Mom because she had slippers on, and it certainly wasn’t Dad. It sounded like someone else in heels. A slight knock sounded at my bedroom door and my heart sank. There was only one person who would be in the house with heels at this time. Julia.
Resigned, I opened the door and met her curious gaze. “Why are you here?”
Julia pushed her way inside and dropped to the edge of the bed. “Close the door.”
I bit the inside of my cheek and ignored her comment and left the door opened slightly. She watched me as I finally put on my shoes.
“Fallon, can’t you put everything behind us and make up with me?”
Swallowing hard, I shook my head. “It isn’t easy. Every time I look at you, and see you with Leon, I remember everything I had until you both ruined it for Rogan and me. I know you couldn’t help the way you reacted, but Leon got involved and now all I’m left with is a broken heart. I hate you both for that.”
A tear slipped down Julia’s cheek. “I don’t understand how neither of you could see how wrong it was for you to be together. I know you don’t share blood, but it’s weird. It’s not right what you were doing.”
Anger started to seep through my blood as I listened to her. “It was my life, Julia. It was Rogan’s life. Neither of you had any right to interfere.”
“Fallon, please. I hate us not being friends. I can’t be sorry for the way I feel, but I am sorry my feelings hurt you. I never wanted that, and neither did Leon.” She shrugged. “If it helps, Rogan is having a hard time too. Leon said he barely talks anymore and he has no interest in anything or anyone other than his classes.”
“It doesn’t help,” I snapped. “It hurts.” I glanced at my partially opened door and nodded. “I want you to leave. Daniel will be here soon.”
Julia stood and wiped at her eyes. “You can’t continue to ignore me.” She paused and I didn’t say anything more.
Unable to move, I placed a hand over my chest, afraid my organ was going to beat right out of my chest. I was in the same position when Mom entered my room, not a few moments after I heard the front door close. Mom looked pale and worried as she closed the door behind her. She leaned against it and looked up at the ceiling while she gathered her thoughts. When she was ready, Mom took my hands and sat me beside her on the bed.
“Mom?” I questioned softly, afraid of what she was about to say. “Dad’s okay, right? Rogan?”
“Oh, honey, they’re both fine.” She squeezed my hands and kept hold. “I heard the tail end of your conversation with Julia.” Her eyes filled with compassion. “I’ve wondered for a long time if there was more between Rogan and you.” Her voice quivered and she paused. “I never really wanted to know, so I never asked. After prom when Dad asked, I wanted to forget the look on both of your faces when you arrived home. I pretended I hadn’t seen anything because it was easier than having to have a conversation with you both.”
I winced. “Mom.”
“I failed you, and I failed Rogan.” Tears appeared in her eyes and I watched as they slowly slipped down her face. “I knew for sure the day Rogan left for school. It was hard for me watching your heart break. You were so torn up that I was tied as to whether or not to say anything. Instead I stayed silent. I figured you had enough on your mind without me telling you what I knew.”
“I’m sorry,” I cried and sagged against her.
Her arms came around me and held me tightly while I sobbed into her chest. Her hands gently stroked down my hair, which she’d curled for me for prom.
“Why are you sorry, Fallon?”
Confused, my brows drew together and I raised my tearstained face toward her. “I don’t know what you mean.”
She smiled softly. “I think you do.” Her cool fingers ran over my temples and she brushed loose strands of hair away from my face.
“I really don’t know why I’m sorry. I’m not sorry for how I feel about Rogan. I’ll never be sorry for loving him.” I swiped at a loose tear. “I am sorry that I’ve hurt you because of him.”
“You still love him?”
“I always will,” I whispered, searching her gaze. “He wants me to get on with my life without him, and I can’t.” My chest ached from holding my heartbreak inside. I gulped and hiccupped until the tears came. Great big racking sobs that shook my body. Mom never once loosened her hold around me. She held me while I cried my eyes out until the hiccups became worse and she finally put me away from her.
“Here, drink some of this.” Mom offered me a bottle of water.
Unscrewing the cap, I hoped I wouldn’t choke on it.
I didn’t.
She watched me while I could see her thinking and contemplating what to do or say next. There was something that I needed to know, though.
“Doesn’t it make you angry or disgusted?”
“You’re my daughter, Fallon.” She offered a wry smile. “I love both you and Rogan, and I don’t know what to think. I hid my head in the clouds when I suspected because I really didn’t want to know. Your dad had his moments of suspicion and I told him it was all in his head, just like I wanted my suspicion to be.” She sighed. “It’s over with, so no more talk about it. No matter what the future holds, he is still your brother and you are still his sister.”
Mom briefly squeezed my hand and let go and I had to fight not to cry all over again because she really didn’t understand. She knew about us, but didn’t want to think about us being together. I got that, but I wanted Rogan.
“You’re going to San Diego, huh?”
My eyes snapped to hers. “I haven’t said anything.” I frowned.
“You left your acceptance letter under your pillow. I didn’t snoop, I was changing your bed sheets.” She turned and held my gaze. “I don’t want you being so far away, but at the same time, I don’t want you at the same college as Rogan. So we’ll support you going to California.” Mom moved forward and kissed me on the forehead. “Let’s not tell your dad about you and Rogan.” She stood in the doorway and turned back to look at me from over her shoulder. “You need to get cleaned up. Daniel will be here soon.” She smiled. “He’s a nice boy.” With her final words she left.
There had been a slithering piece of hope that she would tell me everything was okay and that she was good with me having a relationship with Rogan. I was wrong. She wouldn’t even talk about it properly other than to tell me to not say anything.
With a deep sigh, I caught a glance of myself in the mirror across the room, and it wasn’t a pretty one. My makeup had streaked down my face and I was a mess.
My heart wanted to toss my clothes off, scrub the stuff from my skin and spend the night in bed with a movie or a good book to take my mind o
ff of Rogan and the reasons why we couldn’t be together. What I did instead was pull myself together and washed my face. I applied fresh makeup, more than usual to cover up my ragged face. I then stood in front of my full-length mirror and smiled.
The dark dress fitted my womanly curves and especially clung to my above average breasts. They were high and perky, something Rogan couldn’t get enough of. Well no more, I was going to prom with someone else. My mind needed to focus on Daniel. At least he wanted me.
I was going to prom with Daniel and I was going to have a good time!
Rogan
My fists clenched tightly as I watched Fallon in the sexy black dress be escorted inside of prom with Daniel’s hand resting low on her back. She couldn’t see me from my spot at the end of the hallway, no one could. Staying away hadn’t been an option, although it should have been. The need to see my girl with another guy had eaten away at me until I’d found myself behind the wheel of my car.
She punished me with him and it hurt so much. I wanted to go over there and pull her from his arms. I wanted to beat the crap out of him for daring to touch her. Instead, I did nothing. My feet kept me rooted to the spot long after they’d disappeared inside the ballroom. It was a physical ache being so close to her and not being able to talk to her, to touch her. As much as I loved her, I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t confuse her the way I’d confused myself.
Some days I knew that I’d made the right decision by letting her go, and others, I wanted to drive home, climb into her bedroom window, and take her back to college with me. No matter the distance between us, I would always love her. She’d always be mine, except because of my actions, I had to share her with someone else.
The thought of him touching her the way I had drove me insane and caused my breath to get stuck in the back of my throat to the point that I doubled over. I rested my hands on my knees and concentrated on breathing, and eventually it became easier. Jealousy was an ugly emotion and I wished to God it would leave me. It would be so much easier for me if it would. Unfortunately, where Fallon was concerned, I didn’t think it ever would.
I’d told her to get on with her life and she’d finally listened.
I needed to listen too.
Part IV
Rogan aged 20 / Fallon aged 19
That’s all I had now, tears in the rain,
all because I fell in love with a boy.
32
Fallon
Sophomore year was well underway and I was so glad to have classes to occupy my mind. I loved San Diego and although I’d stayed here over the summer, waitressing at a local hotel, I missed being home. I missed everything familiar, including Rogan. My heart still ached when I thought about him, and I knew it was because of that that I hadn’t been able to move forward with Daniel.
I’d spent my freshman year hanging out with Daniel and I hated that I’d hurt him because I knew he wanted me. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to be with him, although we had tried. Once. I’d panicked and told him I wasn’t ready. He thought I was innocent and I hadn’t said anything to the contrary. It played on my mind and I didn’t know what to do. I was being selfish because I was afraid he’d leave me when he was the only friend I had. I liked him and found him attractive, but I didn’t want his hands on me. No one other than Rogan had ever touched me deeply and I couldn’t bring myself to let anyone else have the same claim as Rogan.
At times I wanted to, and I’d even thought about doing it with Daniel and then making sure Rogan found out about it. But I’d be using Daniel, and I’d have to let him touch me in order to accomplish that. So I’d let it go.
The biggest surprise once students started turning up for the beginning of the school year was Julia. I hadn’t spoken to or seen her in over twelve months, and now she’d started classes here. Coincidence, I didn’t think so. Not when everywhere I went she appeared. She’d spent her freshman year with Leon, so I was curious as to why she’d obviously transferred to San Diego. Had she broken up with Leon? But why come here? I wanted to know and in truth, I’d desperately missed my friend.
With time between us, I realized how I’d acted toward Julia was wrong of me. Instead of pushing her away, I should have kept her close and let her be there for me. I didn’t give her a chance. In a way she put me on edge because I knew it was only a matter of time before she confronted me.
And when I heard the banging on the door of my room, I knew that time was now. Julia had always done things with a lot of noise.
I couldn’t prevent the smile from slipping to my lips as I slowly opened the door and found Julia with her arms crossed over her chest. “Are you going to invite me in?”
Swallowing hard, I moved out of the way and waved my arm toward my room. “I was just wondering when you’d come knocking.” I winced. “That was horrible. I’m sorry. I’m actually glad you’re here.”
As was the norm, Julia had dropped to my bed. Her eyes watched me and made me slightly uncomfortable, so I sat at the desk, shutting my laptop screen.
“Why are you here and not with Leon?”
Julia looked uncomfortable, and answered my question with one of her own, “Are we just going to ignore the elephant in the room?” Her eyes narrowed.
I owed it to her to explain. “I don’t think I’ll be able to explain to you how much I broke when Rogan left. He was everything to me. My world. And then he was gone because he’d listened to Leon. I miss Rogan every day, Julia. He wanted me to get on with my life, and although I have with schooling, I haven’t with my personal life because the only guy I want is thousands of miles away in Boston. I don’t see that changing.”
Julia watched me carefully with a tilt to her head. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I never wanted it to all blow up. I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t think I’d lose my best friend.” She swiped at a tear, as did I. “I didn’t understand how much you were entwined with Rogan.” She shrugged her shoulders and laughed. “I should have. I’d seen you both together since before we became friends. It stared me in the face as to how much in love you both were.”
“No matter what anyone says, Julia, he will always be in my heart. I’ll always pick up my phone to call him, and remember why I can’t. He’ll always be the first person I want to share in my accomplishments. I can’t just click my fingers and have my past with him wiped clean, although it wouldn’t hurt as much if I could.”
Julia glanced away and sighed. “You’re friendly with Daniel?”
“Not as friendly as he’d like,” I admitted. “He’s a good looking guy, but I just can’t be with him the way I know he wants me to. The thought of someone else putting their hands on me makes me cringe.”
“I’m so sorry,” Julia cried, crumpling into tears. “Forgive me?”
Momentarily surprised, I paused and then went to my friend. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and brought her against my chest. She sobbed while I whispered, “I forgive you, but only if you’ll forgive me.”
She nodded her head.
After what felt like a long time, Julie subsided into small hiccup tears, so I asked, “Why are you here and not with Leon?”
She lifted her face and her eyes filled with more tears. “He hates me.”
“No way.” I shook my head. “That boy loves you, Julia.”
Sat facing each other, she admitted, “I told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore and that I was moving here to be with you.”
My eyes widened at her confession, but something wasn’t right. No way would Julia break things off with Leon. She loved him. “Tell me what’s really going on.”
She swallowed hard. “I’m pregnant.”
I opened my mouth but no words came to mind. I was too surprised. My mind ran off wondering why she’d leave Leon because of a baby. Wouldn’t she need his help? Then I really looked at her and I realized why. “Leon doesn’t know about the baby, does he? You left before he could leave you.”
Tears started falling from her
eyes. “We’re still in school. I don’t want to burden him with me and a baby.” She glanced away.
“You are a good person, Julia, but sometimes you are an idiot. You wouldn’t be burdening Leon with you and a baby. Leon loves you, and he would love any child you had together. No way would he bail on you. He wouldn’t consider any other option but to stand right by your side.” I snickered. “I can imagine him panicking to begin with, but he’d be there for you.”
“You really think so?” she asked in a small voice.
I clutched her cold hands in mine. “Julia, answer me truthfully, is it the fact that you think Leon would desert you, or that you’re scared shitless as to why you left?”
“Both.” She shuddered. “My parents will disown me when they find out. You know how they are. They’ve never been supportive and I’ve had to fight for everything I have. I don’t know what to do, so I ran to you.” She bit her lip. “You’re the one person I trust with this. You don’t hate me, do you? For showing up like this?”
“No.” I held her gaze. “You have to tell Leon.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can, and you know you have to. Give him a chance, Julia. Leon may act the group idiot sometimes, but he loves you.” I paused. “How pregnant are you?”
“Four months.”
“What?” I stared at her belly and reached out with my hand. I gently pressed against her and felt the hard lump she’d hidden behind a baggy sweatshirt. “Oh, wow. How did Leon not notice this?”
“He joked that I had put on weight. I laughed it off. He looked at me funny but then got interrupted with a phone call.”
“Call him, Julia.” I grabbed my cell and held it out to her. “Call him, now. I’ll stay with you if you want.”