The Aristocrat

by Penelope Ward

  Bracing myself, I swallowed. “Okay.”

  “I understand how you must be feeling right now, and there’s no doubt in my mind that your feelings for this girl are real, even if things moved quite fast. Frankly, from what you’ve described, she sounds lovely—intelligent, beautiful, self-deprecating, and genuine. Worthy of my grandson, indeed. But it’s also the first time in your life you’ve ever felt this way about someone. First loves have a way of not only sweeping us off our feet but clouding our judgment. As much as you care for her, I think deep down you understand why it could never work. Those reasons hold no bearing on your feelings for her, however. And I understand that. But you must look at the big picture. The life she would have to become accustomed to here is so very different than her own, and that would eventually wear on her. The scrutiny from the public, the scrutiny from your mother—do you really think it’s fair to drag her into all of those complications at a time where she’s about to take the next step in her education? You’ve described her as a free-spirited woman, one who’s used to not depending on anyone. Don’t hold her back. That’s what you’d be doing if you asked her to come to England. And you certainly know that living in America is not an option for you. The only thing your father truly couldn’t forgive would be you abandoning your legacy here at home. So, I feel like there’s no choice here, as hard as that may be for you to accept.”

  I said nothing while I let it all sink in. She was right, but I hated admitting that to myself.

  “Sometimes…” she added. “Letting go of someone can be just as important a gesture of love as hanging on to them.”

  I nodded. My stomach was in knots. Everything she’d said was true. In my heart, I knew I needed to let Felicity go—for her own good more than anything else. I just didn’t know how to do it.

  I spent the remainder of the day downright depressed and ended up returning to my Bob Ross painting tutorials for the first time in a while. Sigmund had already connected with someone new, so he was out of the house for a hookup with her. Good riddance. That gave me the space to spread all of my things across the kitchen.

  I wanted to call Felicity, but told myself I should continue to give her space today, especially after the conversation with my grandmother, which had left me reeling. It had helped solidify what I already knew—that there was no chance for things to work—but the harsh truth was a hard pill to swallow. Regardless of my own feelings on the matter, if I wanted what was best for Felicity, I needed to let her go.

  The painting I was working on today reminded me a lot of a scene out of Narragansett. There was a body of water and surrounding trees. And of course, happy little clouds. My eyes wandered from the canvas to the window. A flash of red hair blowing in the wind met my eyes.

  Felicity was in the side yard, feeding Ludicrous a long carrot stick. The look of joy on her face momentarily made me forget what I’d been lamenting. After he’d fully demolished the carrot, she wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a squeeze. When she closed her eyes, looking so content, a wave of guilt hit me. That beautiful spirit would be crushed in just over a month’s time.

  Putting my brush down, I walked to the back door and ventured out to the yard.

  “I never thought I’d be jealous of a horse, but here we are.”

  She looked up suddenly. “You scared me.”

  “Were you hoping I wouldn’t know you were here? How come you didn’t call me?”

  “I hadn’t heard from you all morning. I wasn’t sure if you were busy. But I really wanted to see Ludicrous, so I thought I’d sneak over and see if he was out in the yard, since it’s a nice day.”

  “I’m never too busy for you.”

  “What were you up to?” she asked.

  “I was actually…painting. I’ve gotten out of the habit of practicing, so I thought I’d take advantage of Sigmund being out of the house, so as not to have to deal with his ridicule. Anyway, I’m happy you’re here. I wanted to see you, but I thought I’d give you a little space, since this weekend was quite intense. I figured maybe you needed a breather.”

  She resumed petting the horse. “Maybe I should feel that way, but I don’t. I wish I did. It would make everything easier.”

  “Yeah. I know.” I slipped my hands in my pockets.

  Standing my ground when it came to my decision wasn’t going to be easy. Whenever Felicity was physically with me, the thought of losing her forever felt even more impossible.

  “How are you feeling…after everything?” I asked.

  Turning her attention away from Ludicrous for a moment, she said, “I feel good. I don’t regret anything we did, if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “I guess I was wondering where your head is in that respect, yes. We got very caught up in things. You’ve been on my mind even more than usual since you left yesterday. With the days passing so fast, I’m getting more anxious. I don’t know how I’m supposed to say goodbye to you.”

  Felicity wouldn’t look at me. “Maybe we shouldn’t say goodbye.”

  “What do you mean?” For a moment, my heart filled with hope.

  Still looking down at Ludicrous, she said, “I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I think maybe we just pick a time to not see each other anymore—closer to when the time comes—and skip the goodbye altogether. I can’t imagine saying goodbye to you, Leo. I know what I just proposed sounds really harsh, but I think in some ways, it might be easier for me…”

  “But there has to be a goodbye. If we know it’s our last time together, how do we avoid it? I can’t just walk away from you and not say goodbye.”

  “Maybe we can’t avoid it altogether. I just don’t want a long goodbye.”

  I couldn’t put this discussion off any longer.

  “I didn’t want to have this conversation today, but maybe it’s for the better.” My chest filled with anticipatory anxiety. “We’ve never discussed logistics. By that I mean, what happens after we leave each other? Will we be in contact at all?”

  Felicity closed her eyes and hugged the pony closer as she ran her hands along its mane. Then she finally looked up at me. “I don’t know that I can handle it.”

  I swallowed. “Can’t handle…keeping in touch with me?”

  She nodded.

  “You’re suggesting we never speak to each other again?” I was shocked. “I don’t know if I can do that, Felicity. At the very least, I need to know you’re okay. I can’t just erase you.”

  “This is painful for me, too. I don’t know what the right answer is. But I don’t think I can handle hearing about you moving on, getting married, having children someday.”

  In all of the time I’d known her, I’d never once gotten the impression that she would want to lose contact altogether. Maybe that was naïve of me. I knew we couldn’t be together. But to never see or hear from her again? It seemed unimaginable. Panic washed over me.

  “Is this negotiable at all?”

  A distraught look crossed her face. “Leo…”

  My priority needed to be what was best for her. Maybe my need to keep in touch was selfish. Or maybe it was an attempt to hold on to the last shreds of hope that it wouldn’t be the end of us. If my priority was truly to prevent the most damage from my departure, maybe she was right, as painful as it was to imagine never seeing or hearing from her again.

  “I will do whatever you want, Felicity. It hurts, but I won’t blame you for not wanting to keep in touch. It won’t alter the amazing memories I have of you in any way. I will respect your decision, even if it’s hard to accept right now.”

  “You think it’s what I want?” She shook her head slowly, her voice trembling. “It’s just what I can handle, you know?”

  “Come here.” When she started to cry, I reached out and pulled her into my arms.

  Taking a long, deep breath of her scent, I felt my chest constrict. I decided to be honest with her in a way I hadn’t intended to up until this very moment.

  “This morning I was wrack
ing my brain, trying to figure out a way to make this work.”

  She pulled away and looked up at me with wide eyes.

  “Leaving my family would obviously be difficult. Everything I’m obligated to handle is there. The promises I’ve made my father won’t be possible unless I’m permanently in England. But over the past couple of days, I’ve wrestled with the idea of begging you to come to the UK with me.”

  Felicity seemed shocked, her eyes wide. “I’m surprised to hear you say that.”

  “Then you’ve underestimated my feelings for you.”

  “I just never thought you’d even consider that.”

  Despite all of my grandmother’s advice, I needed to know. “Would you say yes if I asked you to take the risk and be with me?”

  She blinked, looking tormented. “I honestly don’t know.”

  Her hesitation spoke volumes. If there was apprehension now, once she got to England, the stress that greeted us would only solidify that she’d made the wrong decision. She’d have to be a hundred-percent sure going into it, and she was far from that.

  “I spoke to my grandmother this morning about it. I trust her more than anyone and wanted her honest opinion. She helped me see that even though asking you to come home with me might be what I want, it wouldn’t be fair to you. To ask you to drop everything and become accustomed to a life so different from what you’re used to wouldn’t be in your best interest. Not to mention, the vultures would come out and try to make your life miserable—maybe not forever, but definitely at first. I don’t know that I could ever forgive myself if I disrupted you in the prime of your life in such a way.”

  But fuck, if you told me yes, I’d risk it all.

  Felicity nodded. “If you did ask me…just know that I would want to say yes. But I don’t think your grandmother is incorrect. I don’t have any clue what I’d be getting into. I wouldn’t want to put that kind of stress on you, either—to have to worry about how people treated me. And there’s this little thing called law school I’m supposed to be doing. Moving to England would derail that for a while. I just don’t know how we could make it work, even if we wanted to.”

  I pulled her to me again and spoke into her ear. “So how do we handle the weeks we have left? Tell me what you want.”

  Speaking against my shoulder, she said, “I still want to see you every day. We’ll just take it moment by moment…until there are no moments left.”

  I sighed. There was no other way to handle this. “It’s getting hot out, eh?” I reached for her hand. “Let’s go inside.”

  Felicity followed me into the house and stopped short when she saw my easel in the kitchen. “Oh my God. You did that?”

  “Yeah. It’s what I do when I’m most stressed, apparently.” I reached over to a bowl sitting on the counter. “Taffy?”

  She shook her head. “No.” She walked over to the easel to take a closer look. “The way you described your painting skills made it sound like you were horrible. This is really good, Leo.”

  “Well, you get the hang of it after a while. I’m getting better at copying his exact movements. But it’s not true talent if you have to follow someone else’s lead the entire time.”

  “I beg to differ. I could never do this.”

  Her feedback actually made me feel quite good. I’d always suspected I wasn’t as bad an artist as Sigmund would have me believe. But it’s hard to judge your own work.

  “This is probably my best one yet. So thank you for the compliment.”

  “Can I have it when you’re done?”

  I smiled. “Of course.”

  “I’ll hang it in my room.”

  “Are you sure you’ll be okay with the reminder?”

  Felicity placed her hand on my cheek. “There’s no way I’ll ever be able to erase you, Leo. I’ll always want to remember this time. I just don’t want to have to see you with anyone else.”

  Feeling a pain in my chest, I took her hand and kissed it. “Will you spend the rest of the afternoon here?”

  “I have to work tonight, but I have a couple of hours before I have to get ready. Can I watch you paint? You obviously have a ways to go.”

  “If you’d like. Sure.”

  Over the next hour, my redheaded beauty sat on the floor with her legs crossed, watching me paint as Bob Ross instructed me from the laptop.

  It was peaceful. And for now, she was here with me. What more could I want? If I could’ve frozen time, this might have been the moment I chose to pause.

  Later that night, after Felicity had gone and taken the painting with her, my cousin found me sitting in the living room with my head in my hands.

  “You’ve gone and done it, haven’t you?” he said.

  “Done what?” I asked, feeling like my spirit had been plucked from my body.

  “You’ve fallen in love with her.”

  I turned to look at him. “What do you want me to say?”

  He took a deep breath. “I actually feel sorry for you, cousin. It makes me wish we’d never stopped in this damn place.”

  I knew I would never trade this time I’d had with her, would never trade getting to experience having authentic feelings for someone. Sigmund had never been in love, so I couldn’t expect him to understand. You simply don’t until it happens to you.

  “Did you tell her?” he asked.

  “Tell her what?”

  “That you love her?”

  “No. There’s no point. Telling her would only complicate things more. We’ve agreed to ride out the rest of my time here.”

  “By ride, I assume you mean fucking each other’s brains out.”

  I didn’t dignify that with a response.

  Sigmund’s tone turned serious. “Okay, so what’s the plan after you leave?”

  “That’s it. She doesn’t think we should keep in contact if we’re not together.”

  “Really? Not at all?”

  “That’s correct. She thinks it’ll be too painful.”

  He scratched his chin. “That’s wise, actually. At least one of you understands that nothing good can come of it.” He sighed. “For the record, I get no joy from seeing you this down.”

  “That might be the nicest thing you’ve said to me all summer.”

  “Yeah, well, I think I’ve been poisoned by the residual love vapors in the air.”

  I rolled my eyes and chuckled. “You’re an idiot, you know that?”

  * * *

  Felicity

  Track 16: “Never Forget You” by Zara Larsson

  Late August

  Leo had dropped me off at my house after a morning of putting the final touches on Mrs. Barbosa’s garage renovation. As I got out of the shower, I thought about how fast time was flying by. I had to leave for Pennsylvania in a week, and Leo had decided to book his flight for around the same time. One week left.

  Over the past six weeks, we’d done an excellent job of taking things day by day, throwing ourselves mostly into finishing up the work at Mrs. Barbosa’s. The space was now fully functional, and it was so satisfying to watch Theo enjoying his new indoor swing and having his therapy sessions in a corner of the room. Leo and I had done some good this summer while taking our minds off the inevitable.

  We’d spent as much of the rest of our time together as possible, enjoying the simple things like clamming, and relaxing afternoons with Ludicrous when I didn’t have to work at Jane’s by the Water.

  A few weeks ago, though, I’d told Leo I thought we should stop being intimate. As much as it had pained him, he agreed that continuing our sexual relationship would only make things harder in the end. So we’d stopped cold turkey, made easier by the fact that I didn’t spend the night at his place anymore.

  So we were no longer sleeping together, but I often had sex dreams about him that woke me up at night. They were intense and always seemed so real. In one of them, though, I’d had the clear realization that the man making love to me wasn’t mine. He was someone else’s future husband, someon
e else’s future. I woke up in a sweat, tortured by the emotions the dream had evoked.

  But here’s the thing. As much as I’d convinced myself that stopping sex was for the better, I couldn’t say it made me feel any less attached to him. You can physically separate two people, but if all they want is to be together, in some ways the effort to keep away from each other only strengthens the non-physical connection. If anything, I loved him more, wanted him more. The longing was more powerful than sex could ever be.

  As I dried myself off, a text notification snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked down at my phone.

  Leo: We need to talk. Should I come there?

  That didn’t sound right.

  Felicity: Mrs. Angelini has a friend over. I can come to you. Is everything okay?

  Leo: I’ll explain when you get here.

  With an unsettled feeling in my stomach, I got dressed as swiftly as possible and drove faster than I should’ve to Leo’s house.

  When he opened the door, his face was solemn.

  I stepped inside. “What’s wrong?”

  “My mother just called. My father contracted a bad infection during his latest treatment, and she’s worried something may happen to him. I have to leave, Felicity. I booked a flight for tomorrow evening because that was the soonest I could get. I have no choice.”

  I clutched my chest as if to stop my heart from leaping out of it. He’d only had a week left anyway, but that didn’t make this any less jarring.

  “Of course, you don’t have a choice. You have to go.”

  “This is killing me,” he said. “We were supposed to cherish the last week together. I’m not in any way ready to leave you.”

  “Where’s Sig?” I didn’t know what else to say.

  “He’s packing up some of our things.”