The Aristocrat

by Penelope Ward

  After he drove away, relief washed over me. If I lost control now, at least he wouldn’t witness it.

  Lavinia had left a note on the kitchen table, letting Sig and me know a neighbor down the road had invited her to dinner.

  Sig found me in the kitchen and grabbed Lavinia’s bottle of Fireball along with two glasses. He pulled up a seat and pointed to the one across from me.

  “Sit, Ginger. We’re going to drink.” He looked down at the bottle. “I’m feeling a bit too lazy to make margaritas, so this will have to do for now.”

  I was in no place to argue against a stiff drink tonight.

  After he poured one, he slid the glass toward me.

  I took a long gulp and appreciated the burn.

  Though I hadn’t said anything about my feelings to Sig, he seemed to read my mind.

  “I don’t know what the fuck he’s doing either, Felicity. I think he’s hoping to figure this mess out somehow, but there’s no quick solution when you’re married to one person and in love with another.”

  My eyes shot up.

  “I’m not saying he doesn’t love Darcie, but he most certainly is still in love with you.”

  “He hasn’t said that. How would you know?” I asked.

  “Because I can see it. I know what it looks like now.”

  I paused as I debated whether to tell him I knew about his tremendous loss. Ultimately, I couldn’t hide it. “I’m so sorry about Britney.”

  Rather than say anything, Sig opened the bottle and poured himself another drink. He downed it and slammed his glass against the table. “Thank you,” he finally said. “He told you the saddest story to ever exist, eh?”

  Shit. I could feel tears forming again in my eyes. I did not want him to see me cry. But tears had a mind of their own. I sniffled. “I’m sorry. I think I’ve cried more today than I have in my entire life.”

  “It’s all right, Ginger.” Sig poured me another drink, sliding it toward me. “So he told you all the crazy details of how I met her, too?”

  I smiled through the remaining tears. “Yeah.”

  “I bet he forgot to mention how beautiful she was.” Sig reached into his pocket for his phone. He scrolled through and turned the screen toward me.

  Wiping my eyes, I smiled at the sight of them together. Britney was indeed tiny, especially next to Sig who was well over six feet tall. She had short, blond hair that might have been a wig and the most beautiful, delicate features. Her smile lit up her whole face. She reminded me of Tinkerbell. I doubted Sig had ever run across anyone more beautiful. The fact that she was obviously very sick didn’t take away from that.

  He looked down at the image and smiled. “That’s Britney Benedictus.”

  “She’s beautiful. And I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine.”

  “She was the love of my life. It doesn’t matter that I only had her for a matter of months. No one will ever replace her.” He pressed his hand to his chest. “She’ll live in here forever.”

  I shook my head. “I couldn’t understand why you were so different. It makes sense now.”

  “Makes sense now why I’m a walking disaster...” He chuckled. “Thanks.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “It’s all right. It’s the truth.” He exhaled and put his phone down. “I’ll bounce back eventually. Because that’s what she would have wanted. So I’ll force it. For her.”

  “You will,” I assured him.

  It surprised me that rather than sweeping the subject under the rug, he continued talking.

  “The treatment she was getting—because it was experimental, it wasn’t covered by insurance. Her parents ran out of money. The treatment wasn’t really helping, but the idea that something might give us hope kept her spirits up. So when it came time to decide whether we had to stop due to finances or find a way to continue paying for it, Leo came to the rescue. He paid for the rest of her treatment and her parents’ accommodations. I’ll never forget that. And I’ll never be able to repay him.”

  “That’s why you’re working for free as my watchdog.” I smiled.

  Sig swirled his glass. “I finally understand why my cousin couldn’t get over you, no matter how many times I gave him crap about it. It’s not something you understand fully until it happens to you.”

  “So then you can also understand why this is so hard for me...being here.”

  “You’re a better person than me, Ginger…for sticking around.”

  “I don’t want to. I’m doing it because he asked me to, but after today, I don’t think I can do it anymore.” My voice trembled. “I can’t say goodbye to him again. Because I know this time, it will be forever. There was always a glimmer of hope before, that somehow we might find our way back to each other. But I know when he lets me go this time, that’s it.”

  “What are you telling me?”

  “I’m saying I need to go home. I don’t want to feel this hurt anymore.”

  Sig blew out a long breath. “Felicity, if you want to leave, you know I’m not going to stop you, right? He’ll just have to understand. And he will. Because he loves you. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that. He knows you’re in pain. He just can’t be the one to tell you to go.”

  I wiped my eyes for what felt like the hundredth time today. “Will you drive me to the airport?”

  “You’re trying to get me killed, aren’t you?”

  Looking down at the table, I shook my head. “You’re right. That was too much to ask.”

  “Ginger, I’m kidding. Of course, I’ll take you.”

  Relieved to have his support, I nodded. “I haven’t decided yet. I need to think on this tonight.”

  The thought of leaving made me sick to my stomach, but not nearly as much as the thought of staying. It wasn’t like Leo was going to leave his wife for me. This wasn’t going to end well, and there was no reason to prolong it.

  Later that evening, Sig ran to the grocery store before it closed, and Lavinia was still out, so I was alone for the first time today. After much ruminating, I was pretty sure I’d made my decision to book a flight for the morning. I’d just opened my laptop to reserve my ticket when the doorbell rang.

  I knew Lavinia had given Sig a key, so the only person it could have been was Leo. Butterflies swarmed in my stomach as I went to the door. Except when I opened it, it wasn’t Leo.

  It was Darcie.

  * * *

  Leo

  Track 23: “American Girl” by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

  After leaving Felicity, I couldn’t in good conscience face Darcie yet. There were too many feelings bombarding me, and I knew the moment she looked at me she’d be able to see them all. I needed to calm down before going home. So I called my wife to let her know I’d dropped Felicity and Sigmund off, but that I was going to visit my grandmother on the way home. Nan was in an upscale rehabilitation center, and we’d been told she didn’t have very much time left. I visited her often, and every time was different in terms of her condition. Today I prayed she would have enough energy to talk to me, because I needed that more than ever.

  My grandmother looked half-asleep when I entered her room.

  “Hello, Nan.”

  Opening her eyes, she held out her quivering hand. “Hi, my boy.” Her voice was frail.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Well, I’ve certainly had better days, but this is not the worst one.”

  “Good.” I smiled. “I need to speak to you, but I don’t want to deplete your energy.”

  “Nothing makes me feel more alive than talking to you, my grandson. I might be weak, but my ears are still perfectly fine.”

  I took a seat at her bedside. “Has my mother told you anything over the past couple of days?”

  “No, I haven’t spoken to her.”

  I was surprised, but perhaps my mother knew she wouldn’t have been able to address it without upsetting her. In Nan’s current state, that wouldn’t be wise. I was proud of Mum for contai
ning herself in her mother’s best interest.

  “Remember Felicity?”

  My grandmother’s eyes widened. “Of course. The American girl. What about her?”

  “She’s here.”

  Nan squeezed my hand. “Oh my.”

  I filled her in on the last couple of days. While Nan knew I’d gone back to the States after that first year to find Felicity, I’d never told her about the letter I wrote before marrying Darcie. So I started there and ended with Felicity showing up here.

  My grandmother seemed deeply affected, to the point that I almost regretted telling her. She couldn’t afford to get too emotionally worked up.

  “That’s absolutely devastating, Leo. For all involved.”

  “I know. I obviously never saw this happening.”

  Nan struggled to breathe. “My love, you know I don’t have much time left. So I’m particularly careful with anything I tell you, because I never know if it will be my final word.” She tried to straighten her body. “I need you to listen to me very carefully.” She stared into my eyes. “I was wrong.”

  “What do you mean?”

  She swallowed. “When you asked me years back if I thought it best that you abandon all ideas of being with a girl you clearly loved, I encouraged you to disregard your feelings for the greater good of your reputation. I worried that despite how strongly you felt, the scrutiny you’d receive would be far worse than living without her. What I didn’t know then that I’ve realized the closer I get to death...is that nothing matters more in this life than love.”

  I remained silent, stunned as she continued.

  “You’ve always been so afraid of displeasing your father. But I can assure you, wherever he is right now, he sees things from a different perspective. Your dad is no longer part of this material world, no longer concerned with money or power. He understands now that the universal purpose of our entire existence is love.” Her tone grew urgent. “My advice to you today is not the same as it was then. If I could go back, I would tell you to follow your heart.” She paused. “That said, you married a wonderful woman. She doesn’t deserve this. It’s not fair either way—to leave her high and dry or to stay when she doesn’t have your whole heart.”

  She spoke again before I could respond.

  “Leo, you need to understand that your decisions don’t change what lies in your heart. You can choose to remain married to Darcie in order to protect her, but that won’t change the fact that you clearly love Felicity.”

  “How do you know I still love her?” I asked. “I haven’t told you that.”

  “You don’t need to, my love. You have the same look of passion and fear in your eyes that you did when you told me you were going back to the US to find her. The same look of sadness as when you returned and told me she’d moved on with someone else. This torment is love in disguise. The only difference now is that you’re married and some time has passed.”

  “All the same complications exist today...” I said. “All the reasons we decided not to be together in the first place.”

  “And yet here you are, feeling the same way. What does that tell you? Is this something you can control or a lie you’ve been telling yourself?” She let out a shaky breath. “Look, my dear, I can’t tell you what to do. I can only tell you what I’ve learned as I make the transition to the next phase in my journey. I’ve said all I can say about it. I’m just sorry I didn’t realize back then that my advice to you was wrong.”

  It killed me to think she had any regrets at this point. “I love you, Nan. I can’t tell you how much it’s meant to have you as my sounding board.”

  She smiled. “I lied... I do have one more thing to say.”

  “Okay, tell me.”

  “I’m proud of you no matter what you decide—whether that’s to follow your heart or to keep your vow to your beautiful wife. There’s no wrong answer. It’s about what you can live with. But you’re a good man, Leo. Far more conscientious than your father ever was. And even though you’ve never said so, I know you live with guilt because of how you came into this world—the death of your twin brother. But rest assured, he, too, is looking down on you, as proud as I am.”

  My grandmother’s words repeated in my mind the entire way home. How was I supposed to face Darcie when this storm of emotions was still brewing inside me? The raw feelings from earlier hadn’t waned in the least. And Nan hadn’t told me anything I didn’t already know, deep inside. But would I choose to live my life ignoring these feelings for the sake of my marriage?

  I entered the house feeling completely unsettled.

  Before I could head upstairs to face the fire, I noticed a text had come through from Felicity. Looking at its length, my gut immediately told me it was a Dear John letter.

  I couldn’t consume it fast enough as my heart raced.

  Felicity: I have to go home, Leo. I’m sorry to have to leave like this, but I can’t endure yet another goodbye with you. Spending time with you today was truly magical. Getting to see Ludicrous again, getting to ride those beautiful horses with you, getting to look into your eyes and see into your soul for the last time. As painful as it’s been, these past couple of days have also been a gift, because there was a time when I thought I would never see you again. Even after everything, I don’t regret coming here. I’ve never regretted a single moment with you, not even the most painful ones. But my feelings for you are suffocating me. To care so deeply for someone and not be able to freely love them is torture. You’re a married man. The longer I stay, the worse this will end.

  As you read this, I am already headed to the airport. I was able to get on a flight that leaves at midnight. Please don’t be mad at Sig for letting me out of his sight. He understands what it feels like to want someone and not be able to have them. Who knows what my life would be like right now if I had just taken a chance five years ago. Please know that I will always love you.

  I fell into a panic. She’s gone.

  Chasing after someone to get her to stay in a foreign country while you’re wearing a wedding ring isn’t exactly fair. But knowing that didn’t stop my urge to do it. But why? Why force her to stay when I couldn’t offer her anything as things currently were?

  Before I could go upstairs, Darcie came up behind me.

  “The text you’re reading is from her, I assume.”

  I turned around and gulped. “Yes.”

  “She told me she was leaving earlier than planned.”

  My heart palpitations got worse. “You…spoke to her?”

  “I went over to the inn tonight while you were visiting your grandmother.”

  Fuck. “You did?”

  “Yes. I had a very difficult time while you were out with her today, and I felt like she and I needed to have a talk.”

  Trying to remain calm, I asked, “What did you talk about?”

  “Don’t worry. I’m not the reason she’s leaving. She’d already decided that by the time I arrived. She told me so.”

  “Yeah. She got a flight out tonight. She’s already at the airport.”

  Darcie nodded. “I just needed to see her, Leo. I wanted to look into her eyes and see what you see, to better understand this thing I’m up against. I also wanted her to know that I don’t really blame her for her mistake. But most of all, I wanted her to know how committed I am to you and to this marriage, how much I’ve grown to love you, even though our courtship took a different path than most. Maybe in the beginning we forced things a bit. But over the past year, in particular, I’ve realized everything is the way it was meant to be.” Tears filled her eyes. “I love you, Leo. I truly do. And nothing has made me prouder in this life than to be your wife. I’m terribly scared to lose you, and you need to know that.”

  My heart broke to see her cry, to see her so vulnerable when she’d been feigning strength. Guilt and torment twisted inside me as I brought her into an embrace. Darcie had been nothing but an amazing wife. She didn’t deserve this situation I’d put her in. But I had no w
ords that would comfort her tonight. I couldn’t lie and say Felicity’s leaving hadn’t shaken me to my core. So, I didn’t say anything. I just continued to hold her.

  That night we slept turned away from each other in bed as my mind raced.

  The following day, I headed over to Sigmund’s. He’d texted me to make sure I wasn’t upset at him for driving Felicity to the airport. I’d told him not to worry, that I understood why he’d aided and abetted her departure from England.

  “You look like shite. We’re twinsies now,” he said as he opened the door.

  “Except I’ve shaved my face in the past few months. You haven’t,” I snapped.

  “Are you here to ream me out? I don’t trust for one second that you’re not angry about me taking Ginger to the airport.”

  “I’m not angry, Sigmund. I just hate that this entire thing happened at all.” I reached into my pocket and took out a piece of taffy.

  He watched me unwrap it. “Not the taffy again. Now I know things are bad.”

  I chuckled. “I happened to find someone selling it in town this morning. Isn’t that weird? I hadn’t had it in years. Couldn’t pass it up.” I popped it into my mouth and chewed.

  “The taffy gods were watching everything go down, apparently.” My cousin walked to the fridge, took a beer out, and handed me one.

  I swallowed the last of the candy, took a long sip of the beer, and exhaled. “I don’t want to hurt Darcie. But I’ve hurt her already, haven’t I? I’ve hurt them both.”

  “Yeah. That’s how life works sometimes. Shite happens. Terrible things happen,” he finished on a whisper.

  “I know this is nothing compared to what you’ve been through, mate.”

  He pulled up a chair and stared at the ceiling. “Do you know what I would give for just one more day with her? One more hour?”

  I walked over and placed my hand on his shoulder. “I do.”