Neverstone: A LitRPG Adventure (The Mad Elf Book 1)

by Ned Caratacus

  “Just stay still, I'll get you down in a—”

  WHUMP!

  The boy fell down into the dirt, right next to Era.

  “Good mornin,' Livvy,” he said, apparently oblivious to the fact that he was face down on the ground. “Is that Lyndwyrm that attacked me still around?”

  Era and Liv, grabbing Noah by the shoulders, propped him back up.

  Guy's got a healer's robe. Probably with the Church of Aries.

  “We deep sixed the Lyndwyrm,” said Liv.

  “Hm. Hope he's all right.”

  An awkward silence permeated throughout the riverbank.

  Among the most hotly debated social issues in Aries is a subject known to PhD students as “theriosapience.” Better known to people with social lives as “do monsters have feelings?”

  These are the two most common answers to this issue:

  “Monsters,” as we know them, were first created by Dark Lord Sarastro in 0 A.L. to serve as magically mass-produced soldiers for his campaign to destroy humanity. They follow a set of preprogrammed magical instructions to cause as much damage to humans as possible. The majority of monsters appear automatically in unpopulated areas, follow their programs for only a few days, then cease to exist. In short, monsters are “flesh robots” created to mock, imitate, and destroy life itself.

  Monsters have feelings because vog you!

  I'll let you draw your own conclusions from those points.

  Era grimaced. A sensitive guy, huh? Better break it to him easy.

  Or, better yet...

  “Oh, Lyndy?” asked Era. “He's fine. Your Mystic friend here scared him off, and—”

  Noah placed a gentle fingertip on Era's mouth. The healer's pale, freckled face, peeking out from a curtain of shaggy red hair, looked up at Era with disappointed eyes.

  “Don't,” he said, softly.

  [Noah — Liar's Bridle]

  In a flash of energy, a steel plate covered Era's mouth, topped with a black iron padlock. Era pawed at the steel, which had fused to his mouth.

  [Era's mouth is covered for an hour!]

  Jerkass. How did he immediately know I was lying? Questions for later.

  “Come on, Minion,” said Liv. “It wasn't that big of a lie. And technically, I did scare him off to Hell.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” said Noah. “But I gotta do it on at least one person this week. The Royal Chapel's Deacon said that I need to show more commitment to the concept of truth.” He reached out his hand to Era. “My name's Noah, by the way. Sorry we couldn't meet under better circumstances, new friend.”

  “Mmph,” said Era, shaking Noah's hand. Whatev's. It's only an hour.

  “He says his name's Slasher,” said Liv.

  Excuse you?

  “No, he doesn't,” chortled Noah.

  As Era stood there, his mouth thoroughly padlocked, he couldn't help but notice the threads of blue green energy crackling in the air above the three of them on the riverbank. They made no sound, but grew in intensity.

  And just as he was about to have a couple of thoroughly awkward goodbyes with the two adventurers—

  [???? — Descent]

  —in a wave of blue fire, they were all knocked onto the ground as the threads of energy opened into a gateway.

  Enter: Galgalim.

  Chapter 3

  “It's My First Day?”

  1 On the First Day, Rafeth of the Flame gave unto mankind the Sun, and love. 2 Galgalim of the Wheel gave unto mankind the Moon, and wisdom. 3 Argo of the Golden Fleece gave unto mankind truth, justice, and life itself.

  4 On the Second Day, mankind grew cruel, selfish, and arrogant. 5 Like flies to a carcass, debauchery and sin plagued the land.

  6 Even though we deserve them not, mankind has kept the gifts of the First Day, for the Gods know that their children are capable of wonders and virtue greater than any misdeed.

  7 Today is the Third Day. What have you done to prove that you deserve your gift?

  — Creation 1:1-1:7, The Luxiacon (Teen Study Version)

  There are three types of reactions to seeing a living, breathing god appear to you in the middle of the day, and they depend on your own religious beliefs. For example:

  Noah, who was a devout follower of the Church of Aries and could recite half the Luxiacon to you while standing on his head, fell to his knees and bowed his head to Galgalim.

  Liv, who had been an atheist for years, hid behind the nearest tree and desperately hoped there was a scientific explanation for what was going on.

  Era, who never really thought one way or another about whether or not the Gods existed, and instead spent his life focused on fencing, birds, and Internet memes, stood and gawked at this weird god-thing that decided to show up.

  And as far as god-things go, Galgalim was pretty weird. Covered in blue fire that appeared as a rapidly rotating and undulating gyroscope of glowing rings with eyes that were eternally turning inward upon itself. In the center of the geometrical catastrophe was a terrible brightness—a vaguely human eyeball and eyelid, pulsing with energy.

  Did the Gods focus all their design energy on the mortals, and forget to make a coherent shape for themselves?

  As the spectral eyelid opened, Galgalim spoke with a voice that shook the trees:

  Do not be afraid.

  “Don'tchu tell me how to feel!” screamed Liv from behind her hiding place.

  “Galgalim of the Wheel, we are unworthy of thine presence!” said Noah. “Thy humble servant stands before thee, prepared to undertake any task that thou givest!”

  Shut up, Noah.

  “He said my name!” squealed Noah, promptly shutting up afterward.

  Look, I'm on borrowed time here, so let's keep the interruptions to a minimum. Erasmus, Liv, Noah: you weren't brought here by chance. Thing is, I needed the three of you to be in one place in order to see me, so I sent fake text messages. I would have texted the fencer, but he headed in this direction anyway.

  “So, I just got catfished by a god?” Liv asked. “Aw, hell no. Minion, I'm headed back to the—”

  You know, Liv, if I wanted to, I could probably think your bones out of existence, keep you alive through god magic, and have you spend the rest of your life as a screaming, floppy meat blanket.

  “I'll shut up now.”

  Good decision. Listen, I can only maintain this form for so long in your world, and I'm only authorized to tell you so much. But I can tell you this:

  The world is screaming, and you must sing it into a sleep of peaceful centuries.

  Erasmus, you must lead the Chosen Three against the Dark Lord. You will carry the Bells of Miracles as an emblem of your leadership.

  Noah, you must bear the Astral Flute, because only the sickeningly pure of heart can play it.

  You will know the purpose of these two instruments in time.

  Any questions?

  There are three types of reactions to hearing a living, breathing god telling you that you're one of the three Chosen Heroes sent to fight the Dark Lord, and they depend on the kind of life you've led up until that point. For example:

  Noah, who was about as good at killing people as an anteater was good at calculus, broke down sobbing.

  Liv, who was about as good at killing people as...well, as a person who was really good at killing people, snickered.

  Era winced. He could feel a sharp pain darting through his leg stump as he remembered September 6th, five years ago—the Fall of Rosencrace.

  Not now. One of the Three Gods is talking to me. I can't shut down here. Don't think about it, don't think about it.

  But one aspect of “it” was relevant enough to think about. Before the Celsioran helicopters came to “clear out the Rosie infestation,” there was an explosion over his hometown—too powerful to be a regular bomb, not enough fallout to be a nuclear bomb.

  The explosion was caused by a group of angels, performing a sacred ritual of destruction in the sky...and the god the angels had named as their lead
er stood in front of them, its wheels whirling and its fires blazing.

  I don't care if he's a god. This Galgalim guy killed everyone in Downtown Nabucco.

  Remembering that there was a padlock over his mouth, Era took both fists—

  [Era — Two Turtledoves]

  —and raised both his middle fingers at the god.

  [Galgalim — Holy Eye Laser]

  The last thing Era could remember before he blacked out was a burning sensation, followed by pressure, followed by the god booming, “You think you're clever?! You havin' a voggin' giggle?!”

  Then, silence.

  As anyone who's been assaulted by a god can tell you, Era was lucky to be alive. The attack had only stunned him for a few minutes. That being said, it hurt. A lot.

  And, as anyone who has been lost in the woods in the middle of the night with no compass, no battery power, and minimal survival skills can tell you, the other two were also lucky to be alive.

  When someone receives the sign that they're the Chosen Hero, their first order of business is to head to the Imperial City. After a few hours of aimlessly wandering, hiding from lyndwyrms, and mosquito bites, there stood the Chosen Three in a dimly-lit clearing, surrounded by the screaming of cicadas within the trees and the hum of electricity.*

  *(The Forest lighting grid wasn't a popular addition to the ecosystem. But technically, it was your tax money that put it up. Ergo, this is all your fault.

  [This message brought to you by Koschei Electric Solutions])

  Liv struggled to keep her 13th attempt at a campfire burning long enough to heat her 14th attempt at squirrel stew enough to be consumable. Noah had fashioned a half-decent tent out of a blanket and a few sticks, and Era wandered the surrounding darkness, trying to eavesdrop on the conversations of nocturnal birds.

  I wonder if this thing works on birds of prey. I've always kind of wanted to take up falconry. But with owls, instead of falcons. Owlry—is that even a thing?

  Placing the ornithomancer's whistle to his lips, he thought he'd test his theory.

  [Era — Bird Call]

  No answer.

  This must not be owl country.

  “Really, what were you thinking?” asked Noah, coming up from behind him. “Galgalim is a god.”

  Era turned. “Hm? Oh, hey Noah.”

  “I mean, look, Mr. Gualtieri, I don't wanna harp on about this or anything, but...”

  “Harping on? You haven't even brought it up before now.”

  Noah blushed. “Oh. I must've...been rehearsing it in my head lots, then. Sorry, Mr. Gualtieri.”

  “Mr. Gualtieri is my dad. Call me Era.”

  “Right. Sorry, Era.”

  “You're fine.” Poor guy. He thinks I'm someone important. Prepare to be disappointed.

  “I guess I'd just like to know why you thought making that awful, insulting hand gesture toward an all-powerful being was a good idea.”

  “Easy: I didn't.” Era let out a sad chuckle. “Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if I'm gonna be leading you guys against some Dark Lord, you'd better get used to gross incompetence. Train-hopping homeless dudes don't exactly make for legendary heroes.”

  “D-don't say that! Liv told me all about how you kicked that lyndwyrm's butt, and that you can fly with your sword.”

  “I appreciate it, but the lyndwyrm-killin' bit was, like, 95% Liv and her magic. First thing I'm gonna do when we get to the Imperial City is tell the Princess that I'm not cut out for the job, and she'd be better off calling in Prince Raphael again. I'm not going to let Galgalim put me in the 'leader' slot of some heroic quest just to watch me fail, then point and laugh as I die.”

  Noah placed a hand on Era's shoulder, and gave him a long, sincere stare, his eyes watering. “The Gods would never do something like that. Is that why you flipped him off?”

  “You really think I can trust the Gods, after they blew up every major city in my homeland?”

  As soon as the words left Era's lips, the realization came over Noah like a brick to the head.

  “Right,” said Noah. “You're from Rosencrace, aren't you?”

  “The angels screaming at us from the sky made it pretty clear. 'All of elvenkind must pay for your emperor's crimes, raaaaawr, die, die, die,' et cetera. They invoked Galgalim's name as they burned downtown Nabucco into glass with their 'Light of Judgment' or whatever it's called. It would take more than some heroic destiny to make me forgive them.”

  The healer went silent, grim even. He blushed, holding back tears.

  Era's heart sank. Maybe I laid it on too thick. “Look, Noah, I'm not mad at—”

  Noah's reply was quick, something he'd recited many times before. “I'm not sure where I stand on that, and that's the most I can safely tell you.”

  With that, Noah traipsed off to the tent, all too eager to cry it out.

  Era stood and stared after him. What a loser. I like him.

  Now, back to owl-calling —

  [???? — Otherworldly Neigh]

  Oh, vog me with a can opener.

  The neigh was accompanied by the sound of 72 approaching hooves, as well as Liv and Noah screaming, “Run for your lives,” and variations thereof.

  Then came the sound of seventeen and a half mangled horse throats letting out a strained whinny. The electric lights illuminated the forest just enough for Era to make out the details of the approaching monster.

  Era had heard somewhere that the scariest things in life are what mankind can't see. Maybe that was true, but if there ever were a convincing counterargument, it was this gigantic ball of mangled horse flesh pounding through the tree line with its 72 hoof-tipped tentacles.

  Fifty flaming-red horse eyes, some of them having melded into each other, glared at Era through putrid knots of fetlocks and flanks.

  “I regret everything I have ever done,” said Era.

  [Boss Battle!]

  [HORSE ELEMENTAL ~It's gonna take your life...by horse~]

  [Bestiary — Horse Elemental]

  [Type: Abomination]

  [HP: 50,000]

  [Weaknesses: Glue factories?]

  [Description: Elementals are one of the most common monsters in the Ariesian Empire, best described as “take one thing, have lots of it, and make it into a thing that kills people.” While not technically an exception to this rule, horse elementals are terrible and should not exist. Measuring at over ten meters in diameter, an individual horse elemental is a spherical, twisted, randomized amalgam of twitching horse anatomy, moving through the use of elongated, prehensile, tentacle-like horse legs.]

  Era darted away from the beast, drawing his sword and keeping it floating by his side. Ahead, he could hear Liv scream, “Duck, Slasher!” and he wondered if a waterfowl elemental had also shown up to ruin their night even further.

  [Liv — Flame Skull]

  The next thing Era saw was a smiling skull made of compressed fire, staring into his face, trying to make its way toward the monster. He fell into a roll, and the flame only grazed the edge of his hair. It landed on the elemental with an unsatisfying fwish.

  [16 DMG to Horse Elemental]

  [Horse Elemental — Clippity-Cloppity, Flippity-Flappity, Slappity-Grabbity]

  [Era was Ensnared!]

  [Noah was Ensnared!]

  [Liv was Ensnared!]

  With a mighty sweep of one of its brown and black tentacles, the horse elemental grabbed Era and raised him above its center—a flesh-and-fur cauldron of rectangular teeth and horsehair. Nearby, Liv and Noah dangled from other tentacles in equivalent states of “helpless” and “doomed.”

  Liv snarled as the beast tightened its grip on her body, threatening to snap her in half. “No! I will not be killed by something that looks this stupid!” she said. “I refuse!”

  From the center of the knotted vortex of equestrian death came a morbidly obese Clydesdale's tail and buttocks, from which was sprouted the central core of the beast—a glowing pale horse skull, opening its bloodstained jaws to d
estroy the helpless Mystic as she dangled above the nightmare.

  “Never mind, that's actually kinda cool.” Liv went limp. “It's been fun, y'all!”

  For Noah, the sight of a skull was enough for him to act.

  [Noah — Repel Undead]

  Pressing his hands together, Noah whispered a fragment of the Holy Luxiacon: something to the effect of “begone, foul demon” and whatnot. His eyes glowed with gentle light.

  [Horse Elemental Core was Repulsed!]

  Cringing, the skull retracted into its central (m)ass.

  “Dammit, Minion,” Liv whined. “I even accepted my mortality and everything!”

  Noah scoffed. “Yeah, well, a healer's duty is to—”

  [Horse Elemental — Fling]

  Before Noah could finish the overly polite retort, the three of them went flying into the woods in separate directions.

  [0 DMG to Era]

  [667 DMG to Liv]

  [1,503 DMG to Noah]

  [Noah was KO'd!]

  Though the throw was powerful, Era was lucky enough to land in the shallow banks of the River Galga.

  Dammit, now I'm soaking wet, thought Era, accurately. Focus! Okay, gotta keep the elemental away from the others. New plan: Draw fire. Get to higher ground. Figure something out from there. Kill the elemental. Escape the forest. Get the hell out of Aries. Find a hotel. Sleep for a year…. Or two.

  He clung to the Schiavona's hilt with both hands,closed his eyes, and visualized the blade as a helicopter's landing rail. The helicopter took off.