He extends his hand to me, asking for a napkin, too. I give one to him and watch him blow his nose and wipe his eyes before he can start. “Excuse me,” he mutters, embarrassed at being emotional. “I can’t believe I have something to offer that can help.” Clearing his throat a few times, the used napkin gets stuffed in his pocket. “I’m not a therapist, but here’s what I know. You need to purge the painful memories with actions. If something is physically inside your cells, you have to do something physical to get it out. There are many ways to do this. And they’re not hard, except for the emotional part. Pen to paper is a very useful tool. Once you write out everything as best you can, you burn that paper, watch it catch fire and burn to ashes. It’s a purging, and the fire is the cleansing ritual that heals. You can do this over and over if you need to, until the emotion no longer has a charge. Once you write down the memory and feel nothing, it’s over. That memory is healed.”
Mom’s head tilts, leaning in closer, “How do I write it?”
“How?”
“I mean, what. What do I write?”
“You can either write out what happened. Or you can write a letter to them, the men who did that to you. Don’t worry about anything but your feelings. Punctuation doesn’t matter. Grammar isn’t important. It’s not an essay. Nobody but you will ever read it. You’re going to set it on fire, so say anything you really, deep in your heart, need to say. Swear at them. Plead with them. Get angry, get sad. Anything that feels the hardest and the most true. I’d suggest writing one to your parents, too.”
Mom’s breath hitches, and she chews back the pain that just shot into her. Dad starts to reach over but withdraws his hand, knowing she wants to face this on her own this time, especially now that she believes she might be able to put it to rest with a little work.
Tonk Jr. motions to her, “See that reaction you just had? That means you need to heal the pain your parents left in your heart. And after you do, completely and fully, guess what? Someone could say something about them and it would slide off you like water off a duck.” He leans on his elbow, fingers stretched as he explains, “You can’t run or hide from pain. It waits for a chance to bite you in the ass. So in order to get past something that happened in your life you have to go through it to get to the other side. That’s the only way. Through it to get past it. There is no going around. But the good news is that it works. The emotional charge does vanish.” Leaning back he runs a hand through his neatly trimmed hair. “You can also write a letter to the girl you used to be, and this I’d do last. After you’ve purged the other feelings, however long that takes, you sit down and write a letter to her saying all the wonderful things you have in your life now. It’s a gratitude list. It’s a list of promises for her future. It’s burying the past forever and living only in today.”
We stare at him in wonder, truly amazed. After maybe fifteen seconds of silence my brother shifts his weight and mutters, “That’s just one way, but it’s a good one to start with. I can look up some others if you’d like more ideas.”
Mom jumps out of her chair like she was shot from a cannon, hurling herself to grab his face and shower it with kisses. He laughs and begs her to stop, and I glance to my Dad to see a trace of a smile smoothing his brow.
Her face twists all over again as she turns toward me. “I’m so sorry, Celia.”
“Oh, Mom! I can’t imagine how awful it was. To think of anybody hurting you…”
She grabs my shoulders, insisting, “Tonk is your dad.”
“I know.”
“Maybe you could do what Junior told me.”
“I don’t think we have the same thing. I need to digest all this, what it means for me.”
“It doesn’t mean anything!”
“Mom, Dad, let me just—”
“Guys, Celia needs time. This is a big deal for her.”
“Thank you, Junior.” Taking a deep breath I walk away, stop at the door. “Mom, you need to know that Sean and I care about each other. I hope that’s okay with you. Because I need him. He’s become important to me.”
She frowns, “I won’t get in your way.”
I nod and walk out.
CHAPTER 32
SEAN
Scythe jumps up from the couch where he was watching football with Denita, to give Celia a hug as soon as she appears. “Hey kid, how you doin’?”
“Not great.”
Melodi says, “I made you some hot chocolate, honey.”
Ceels glances to me as she walks to accept the marshmallow-filled cup. “Where is everyone?”
“Back porch. I waited here.”
Offering me a smile, she says, “Thank you,” and turns to Melodi. “You knew, didn’t you?”
The woman known for being blunt as much as she’s known for her great cooking, doesn’t try to deny it. She takes a deep breath with all the weight of this situation on her lips. “You were too perfect to have been a premature delivery, Celia. Tonk wasn’t gone that long. And Fuse was with them in California. My husband couldn’t keep it from me after I guessed what had really happened, now could he?” Mel runs her hand down Celia’s arm. “But it doesn’t matter, you hear me! You’re exactly who you were when you woke up this morning and every day before this! You’re a Cipher. Don’t let this take you down. Especially lately—you’re the strongest I’ve ever seen you. Hold onto that! And this…” She hands her the cup.
Opening the door I touch the small of Celia’s back as she walks through, jaw grinding. Weird to see a bunch of badass bikers all pretzeled up, mushy and awkward, with pain and regret in their eyes. They want to bury the lies back in the cemetery of their pasts. But they can’t.
From where our crew is sitting, Sofia Sol leans forward and jogs her chin. “What’s in the cup?”
I drag another chair over to complete our circle. Celia sits on the empty one. “Hot chocolate,” she shrugs, setting it on her leg, reaching to lay her other hand on my thigh as soon as I get comfortable.
“What are you, five?” Sofia mutters, reaching under the table and producing a bottle of Baileys Irish Cream. “Sage stole it from the cupboard.”
“Yeah, I did it when Mel went to the bathroom.”
This pulls a smile from Ceels. “Give it.”
Sofia produces a bottle of tequila, too. “Oh, and Sage was a busy little thief.”
To lighten the air, Atlas jokes, “We need to start taking her on missions.”
But his sister mutters, “No, thank you. You do the dirty work. I’m not cut out for gruesome things.”
Celia pours the Baileys into her cup and announces, “Apparently I am. More disgusting the better, that’s what’s coursing through these veins. Isn’t that fun?”
Sofia points her index finger, “Hey! Nothing is changed about you. You’re still the most wonderful person I’ve ever known.” Glancing to Luke she says, “Sorry.”
“I know what you mean,” he nods, eyes somber as they flick from his fiancé to Celia. “Don’t talk like that Ceels.”
As she sips, her fingers are loosely holding mine like there’s not life left in her. “To find out I came from that.”
“You had no control over it,” I tell her, rubbing my thumb on hers. “This wasn’t your fault.”
Luke backs me up, “If Jett and Tonk—all of them—if they hadn’t come in, you would’ve been sold somewhere!”
Sofia jumps in. “We never would have known you. Think about how lucky you really are. You wouldn’t even have known your mom! And I’m not speaking for just me when I say that I’m so glad you were born, Celia!”
Everyone agrees. I bring her fingers to my lips and kiss them. She gives us a small smile but that’s it. It’s just too heavy, this news, to get past that easily.
Atlas leans on his elbows, trying to hold her eyes for more than two seconds because she keeps drifting away from us, gaze dropping to her lap like none of this is sinking in. “Celia, look, it’s beyond shitty, we’re not saying it’s not fucking awful, because it is.
But something really great came out of it!”
“Right!” Sage interrupts. “Celia, you were the gift that Carmen got from that horror. Can you imagine if it had been for nothing? But here she is, so happily married, so in love with Tonk. And you and Junior are her everything!”
From behind her cup Celia mutters, “Would have been nice to have known earlier.”
“Would it?” I ask. Her eyelashes flit to me. “Think about it. I mean really look at this. Do you see how hard I’ve been working to join this life you have? And you lived your childhood in happiness, no shame or weirdness thrown on before you could deal with it. If you were a kid knowing about what happened to your mom, how you were born, that would have haunted you. Maybe given you shame or insecurity. But you have none of those things now.”
“I might as of tonight.”
“No! You didn’t have them when I met you, and it’s your choice if you take that shit on now.” She stares at me. The others are silent. Suddenly I’m aware of crickets chirping, and an owl somewhere in an oak tree, calling me an outsider. Asking who do I think I am. Skimming the faces of the Ciphers I land back on the woman I’m crazy about. “Okay, maybe I’m new here, but I know one thing and that’s that Celia Lewis is strong. Not just physically, but in here.” I punch my chest, hold her eyes. “You get to choose what breaks you!”
She whispers, “You’re not going to let me play the victim are you?”
“Your mom was the victim, but you’re the phoenix.” Pulling her out of the chair I take the cup from her hand and set it down. “So I’m gonna kick your ass is what I’m gonna do.”
“What are you talking about?”
“It’s fight time.”
Sofia leaps up. “Yes! I love it!”
The Martinez siblings jump up, too. The six of us head for the training area just on the other side of these busted mesh walls. We’re pulling off our boots as we go, whooping and trash-talking so much that Melodi opens the window and asks, “Did I miss something?”
We ignore her, taking our places in a big circle on the pad, everyone barefoot and ready.
Sofia shouts, “Me first! Kick my ass, Ceels!”
With a look that says she can’t believe we’re doing this, Celia circles her best friend who’s an even bigger badass than she is. Sofia Sol is something to watch when we train. The girl is quick, skilled, and vicious. But today she’s mock-snarling and it makes Celia grin. “You’re crazy!”
“Really? Because I’m not the one who just found out her daddy’s the devil.”
The smile vanishes just like that. Celia attacks her, all trained kicks, punches, really going for it. Soph ducks and weaves but lets some hit on purpose. If she let them all land she’d be a mess. Luke jumps in, pushes Sofia back, and circles. “Hey Ceels, feel like holding someone in a room for your own personal gain?”
“Fuck you!” she shouts, punching and missing.
He straightens up and they go back to circling each other. “Never letting them out to see the sun? Sound like a good time to you?”
She screeches, “Of course not!” tears burning her eyes as she leaps at him, wrapping herself around him and punching his head. Sofia hits my arm, motions to Atlas.
We jump in and peel the rabid Celia off Luke. She lands on the ground, one knee down, all her fingers spread on the mats as Sage jumps in. “Jeez, what’s wrong? You accidentally let one of your hostages escape today? Did the other guys make you hurt her? Did you enjoy it!”
“Stop it! I would never do that!” Celia dives for Sage, but she’s so upset that her aim is off and Sage leaps out of the way just in time. Atlas rushes to protect his sister and Celia snarls at him. He’s hunched over. She knows he’s going to chide her next.
“Hey Ceels.” He crooks a finger. “C’mon. Where you gettin’ your millions from? Sellin’ people like cattle? Sellin’ your daughter to a bunch of evil pricks? You wanna do that?”
She swipes the air with a low kick, “Never!” and drops him to the ground. He could have dodged it, but he didn’t. Jumping on Atlas, she pummels him until he grabs her arms and throws her off. But she comes running, tears flying behind her. He throws his arms over his face, lets her punch his ribs.
I grab Celia and she flails against me, so out of her mind that she almost breaks free. I pin her arms behind her, whisper in her ear, “Hey Ceels, I love you.” She goes rigid, chest panting. “You know how I know you’re not evil? I wouldn’t love you if you were, and I do. I love you. And so do they. Let it go. Let this doubt and shame leave you right now, you hear me? I love you.” Her body crumbles, back falling into my chest. I wrap my arms around her and kiss her head as she sobs. “It’s okay, I’m here. We’re all here with you. You’re not going through this alone.” Atlas, Sofia Sol, Luke, and Sage all come closer, touching her, telling her they love her and that she’s stuck with them.
She laughs through her tears as they point to future bruises she caused. “Thank you guys.”
Soph smirks, “I would say anytime, but nah.”
Four of them are facing the house and their eyes lock onto something. I look over my shoulder to our audience of elders. Everyone’s on the porch, including her parents, our President, his crew and their wives, plus the awe-struck twins and Tonk Jr. who nods, saying calmly, “That’s another way to heal.”
CHAPTER 33
SEAN
I blink awake in the bed next to Atlas, see a sunbeam slicing through the curtains. I’m usually up before dawn so I frown at it and look over to his bed. He’s facing me, passed out, mouth open but quiet. The snores only come when he’s on his back. Looks like the bruises have taken hold over night, but I know he won’t mention it when he comes downstairs.
Throwing my comforter off I pull my phone out of yesterday’s jeans, squinting because I can’t believe it’s almost eleven.
Getting dressed and pulling my new boots on, I dash out, run down the stairs to find the house fairly quiet. The elders have dispersed to the various rooms they prefer to hang out in. Only Tonk Jr. is in the kitchen, making a sandwich. “Hey,” he greets me, barely looking up. “Couldn’t wait for lunch. Don’t tell Mel.”
“I won’t.” Checking the porch through the window I ask, “Where is everybody?”
“You mean Celia?” he smirks and goes back to spreading mayo on whole wheat. “She’s still in bed.”
“What about Sofia and Luke?”
“Same.”
“Huh.” Combing my hair with my fingers I get stuck on a knot and give up, cross my arms and lean against the counter. “Guess last night took its toll.”
“Yup. You want one?”
“Sure, if you’re offering.”
He eyes me. “Pastrami and swiss, right?”
My eyebrows rise. “Yeah, that’s right. You been watchin’ me?”
“We’ve all been watching you.” It’s so matter of fact that I smile. As he digs through the industrial fridge for the fixings, he says, “I woke up before dawn though. Never do that.”
“Why today?”
Tearing open plastic he goes to work. “Mustard?”
“Yep.”
“I’m so good,” he mutters.
When I don’t get an answer, and he hands me my sandwich, I ask again, “Why early today? Everything you found out bothering you?”
“Yes and no.” Grabbing his turkey and cheddar, he smoothes a goop of mayo off the side and licks it off his finger, leaning on the opposite countertop. “I think I’m going to become a therapist.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I might have found something I’m good at.”
Taking a bite I ask with my mouth full, “Something happen to make you think that?”
He nods and chews until his is empty. “You weren’t in the room, but I was able to help my mom out. It felt right, you know?”
“Yeah, I know.”
Locking eyes with me he nods. “Exactly. You and I have something in common.”
“This is a good sandwich.”
>
“We were both searching for where we belong.”
My chewing slows as I take him in, remembering this childhood song I heard on ancient episodes of Sesame Street. Three of these kids belong together. Three of these kids are kinda the same. But one of these kids is doin’ his own thing…
“Guess I slept in,” comes Celia’s voice from behind me.
Like two cups of coffee got injected in my veins I spin around. “Hey!”
She gives me an uneasy smile as I drop the sandwich and pull her close. She burrows into me. “Last night was weird, huh?”
“How’d you sleep?”
“Sage passed right out. I stared at the ceiling for a long time.”
“Thinking about everything?”
“Yes. I hated that you were in the next room, but I couldn’t be with you.” She tilts her head up. “Still like me?”
“I love you, actually, but yeah. I like you, too.”
Smiling with relief she glances around. “My brother vanished.”
“He’s a quiet one. Says he might want to be a therapist.”
“Really?” Her eyebrows go up like mine did. “That’s a great idea.” She frowns, staring off. “He’ll have to go to school for that.”
“That means he won’t live here.”
“Yeah,” she whispers, trying to picture it.
“Don’t you think he needs that though?”
Nodding, her eyes flicker. “I suppose so. But I’ll miss him. Feels like we were just getting to know each other. For years I was just annoyed that I didn’t understand him. Childish of me, I know that now. But this house is such a unit, and I want him in it.” Shrugging it off she sighs, “Anyway, yes, it’d be good for him to go to college. He would love it.”
Speaking of love, she hasn’t said it back to me, but I push that away since she has so much on her mind. “No training today I guess, huh?”
“I wounded your trainers.”
“You did. They’re still sleeping it off.”
“I’m starving and I need coffee.”
Kissing her I murmur against her smile, “Then let me help you with that.”
Sean aka Diesel (Cocker Brothers Book 14) Page 15