by Hart, Rebel
Then Clint did the same to me, making me giggle as his tongue slipped across the roof of my mouth.
It felt so good, having him there. In my arms. Wrapped up in me after so many tense nights together. Things hadn’t gone according to any plan after prom. And it was the little things keeping us all hinged right now. We all knew it, though none of us wanted to talk about it. It was disappointing when Clint announced that, after all the hard work we all put in, he wasn’t going to apply for college. Even with a 2.9 GPA, I knew he stood a chance. Especially with his senior grades showing how he finally applied himself, and how it paid off.
But, no matter what I said, I couldn't convince him to apply for school.
Much less for the school I got accepted to.
“Mmm, I don’t know about you, gorgeous. But I’m ready for ice cream.”
I giggled. “Why are you so sweaty?”
Allison snickered. “I take it you haven’t gotten your air fixed yet?”
Michael scoffed. “Fine. Fine. Blame the terrible traffic on me. It wouldn’t have been that bad in my car had we not been stuck in it for an hour.”
I furrowed my brow. “What in the world made traffic stop like that? You guys were just at Michael’s right?”
Clint kissed my forehead. “Doesn’t matter. We’re here now. What would you like to have?”
Allison and I placed our orders, then the guys headed inside. I sat down, making enough room for Clint as I scooted over. I kept my eyes on him as they walked inside. As they ventured up to the counter. As they ordered our milkshakes. I didn’t want an ice cream cone that would melt all over my hand before I could get the damn thing eaten. I had watched Clint struggle with one too many of them over the course of this summer.
And yet, he didn’t seem to learn.
Because he came out with the biggest ice cream cone for himself I’d ever seen.
“A double fudge brownie milkshake for you,” he said as he handed me my drink.
“And a massive waffle cone for you, I see.”
Allison reached for her milkshake. “Thank you, baby. I really appreciate it.”
Michael kissed her cheek. “Of course. Anything for you.”
And after watching Michael kiss Allison on the cheek, Clint kissed me on the cheek. Like he was getting his cues from him.
Like he didn’t know what the hell to do otherwise.
Michael sat down. “So, what have you girls been getting up to?”
Clint sat down, too. “Yeah. Any good conversations we should know about?”
Allison giggled. “You guys never gossip about your conversations. Why should we gossip about ours?”
Clint smiled broadly. “You owe me twenty bucks, man.”
Michael rolled his eyes. “Really, Allison? You had to take that approach?”
I furrowed my brow. “Wait, what just happened?”
Allison paused. “Did you idiots bet on me again?”
Michael pulled out his wallet. “I mean, really. I would’ve figured I knew my girlfriend better by this point.”
Clint snickered. “Your loss is my gain. Pay up.”
I narrowed my eyes. “You guys have never bet on me before.”
Michael snickered. “Because you’re completely unpredictable.”
I cocked my head. “Thanks?”
Allison murmured, “Yeah, well. I don’t like this at all.”
Clint took the money from Michael. “Plus, I like you unpredictable. Keeps me on my toes, gorgeous.”
But, again, he didn’t kiss me until Michael kissed Allison.
I mean, I loved the fact that Michael and Clint had grown close. I liked the fact that they hung out and had their own inside jokes and were there for one another. Michael had been a good influence on him. Definitely. Plus, Clint’s anger kept itself in check the more time he spent around Michael. Clint hadn’t flown off the handle once since the two of them became connected at the hip.
But, still. Something didn’t feel right.
“So who’s looking forward to the road trip?”
Michael’s voice ripped me from my trance and I took a sip of my milkshake. Leaving room for Allison to butt in.
“Well, I’m looking forward to it. Two hotel rooms for the weekend? We can celebrate and have a great time while Rae’s doing orientation.”
Clint slipped his arm around me. “Ready to get the lay of the land, gorgeous?”
I nodded, but I didn’t stop drinking my milkshake. Which made Michael chuckle.
“Chug that any quicker and you’re going to get brain freeze.”
Allison giggled. “Leave her alone. We’ve been sitting here sweating our butts off for almost an hour waiting on you guys.”
Michael kissed her temple. “I’m sorry we were so late. Had I known traffic was going to be that bad, I would’ve just walked it.”
Then Clint kissed my temple. And the action was so stunted and empty that Allison furrowed her brow.
“You okay, Clint?”
He nodded. “Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. You just seem… off?”
Michael grinned. “Off like a camera? Or off like a horse?”
“Wait, huh?”
Clint and Michael burst out in laughter as I sat there, staring blankly at Allison. Another inside joke. They seemed to have a lot of those.
Allison snickered. “What--what does off have to do with a--?”
Michael held his hand up. “Had to be there. Holy shi--hoo! Had to be there.”
Clint snorted. “Your father’s a fucking mess, you know that?”
For some reason, I felt more alone than when Clint and Michael weren’t here.
Allison rolled her eyes. “Anyway… Rae, you ready for orientation?”
Michael cleared his throat. “Yeah. You waiting until orientation to figure out whether or not to stay on campus?”
I shrugged. “I figured I’ll end up staying on campus. For at least the first semester, to get my bearings.”
Clint stopped laughing. “Wait, what?”
I looked over at him. “What?”
He furrowed his brow. “You’re staying on campus? Since when?”
I shrugged. “Since you won’t make a decision on where you want to live. I have to turn in the paperwork. Might as well do it at orientation since it’s around the due date. The last thing I want is to be left without a room because I didn’t make the decision on time.”
He stared at me blankly before Michael interjected.
“Any good frat parties going on at this thing, you think?”
Allison smacked him playfully. “Michael. Stop it.”
“What? I mean, Rae can go there. Meet her new peers. Fraternize with new people. Get her party on a bit.”
“We’re not there to party. We’re there to support her.”
I kept staring at Clint. “And maybe party a little bit.”
Michael reached over, slapping Clint on the shoulder. “I mean, if he can keep his nose out of his notebook long enough. Am I right?”
It wasn’t until Clint looked away that I settled back into my seat. But I felt his arm move from around me. I sipped on my milkshake as I gazed out over the ocean, and I felt someone’s leg press against mine. I looked underneath the table and saw Allison’s shoe. I looked up at her and found her casting me some sort of a pity glance.
Well, I didn't want her pity.
I just wanted this limbo of hell to be over.
“Just because I’m writing doesn’t mean I can’t go party with you guys. It’s a hobby. That’s all,” Clint said.
Allison smiled. “Writing about anything good?”
Michael took a bite of his ice cream. “Yeah. What is it you write?”
Clint shrugged. “All sorts of things. Poems. Ideas for short stories. Character outlines. A dream I may have had. Shit like that.”
I sighed. “It’s not shit.”
Clint snapped back. “Well, it’s not good.”
&n
bsp; “You’re your harshest critic. I think you should do something with it.”
“Yeah, like I should’ve gone to college?”
I bit down on the inside of my cheek. “You could’ve gotten in, with all the hard work you did.”
Clint fired back. “Yeah. I know. But that doesn’t mean school was ever my dream. You know I hate school. Why are you so pissed about this?”
“I’m not pissed, okay? Just confused.”
“Yeah, well. So am I.”
I paused. “About what?”
Clint murmured, “Nothing.”
I heard a ‘thwap’ underneath the table, and then Michael and Clint started glaring at one another. Clint’s eyes fell to his notebook, which he practically carried everywhere now. He slid it off the table before his ice cream started dripping down his hand.
“Fuck,” he hissed.
I snickered. “Yeah. That’s why I keep telling you to get anything other than a cone.”
“Well, maybe I want a fucking cone anyway.”
I shook my head and kept sucking on my straw. Why he always had to make things difficult sometimes, I’d never know. They continued talking around me, but I paid them no mind. I wasn’t looking forward to this orientation at all. Not one bit. Because I’d have to share a room with Clint. And right now, things weren’t good between us.
In fact, they hadn’t been for a little while now.
I fell into my own mind and thought about his words. I mean, did he not want to live together? Did he not want to be closer to me? It wasn’t like he didn’t have the money. He’d been selling shit left and right and banking thousands upon thousands of dollars. Why couldn't he afford to come with me? Why was he hesitant?
Why did it take me bringing up staying on campus to piss him off enough to talk about it?
At this point, I was inclined to stay on campus. The last thing I wanted to deal with was constantly fighting with Clint when I wasn’t in class. But I sure as hell didn’t want to room with a stranger. I don’t know. It was all so confusing. Everything seemed so clear-cut at prom. So good. So… perfect.
How did things get so bad this quickly?
I wondered about Mom. How she had really taken this to heart. I’d tried to find the closest school to home, but I knew it still took me farther away than she wished. I mean--I don’t know. It wasn’t as if I felt like I could really leave her anyway. And I knew why she wanted me to stay. Well, kind of.
Fuck, why is everything so damn difficult?
“Rae?”
“Rae, you there?”
“Gorgeous? Can you hear us?”
I slowly panned my gaze back to my friends. “Huh?”
Michael snickered. “You going to suck the life out of that milkshake?”
I looked down and saw I had drained it. And not only had I drained it, but my empty suction had pulled in the sides of my plastic cup. And holy fuck, my head hurt. I grimaced as I set it back down on the table. Michael chuckled as Allison reached out for my hand. Clint wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close, kissing my temple and trying to warm the skin around my face that had chilled so suddenly.
Holy fuck, I didn't think that brain freeze would ever end.
“You okay?”
Clint’s murmur almost brought tears to my eyes. Because, no. I wasn’t okay. I hadn’t been okay for months. I hadn’t been okay since he’d announced that he wasn’t applying to college. I hadn’t been okay since he told me he wasn’t sure where he wanted to live after graduation. I hadn’t been okay since he told me he was struggling to get a job and somehow didn’t have the money to move with me. Like, where the fuck had all his money gone? He had way more than me to sell off. Why the hell didn’t he have any money?
Probably for the same reason you don’t have much, either.
I sighed as the brain freeze finally released me. I leaned against Clint, closing my eyes and soaking him in. Sometimes his embrace felt empty. But it didn’t right now. I soaked it up and committed it to memory for all those times his embrace and his arms and his kisses did feel empty. I mean, relationships went through down points, right? This wouldn't last forever, right?
This wouldn't do us in.
Right?
“You okay, gorgeous?”
I sighed as Clint kissed the top of my head.
“I mean, I’d be better if I knew how we were getting into these parties.”
Michael clapped his hands. “That’s the spirit!”
Allison groaned. “You three are relentless.”
I snickered. “Oh, come on. You know you enjoy parties, too. Remember the one after graduation?”
She laughed. “The one where you got so drunk that we had to haul you home in the back seat with a bag in front of your face?”
I pointed my finger at her. “Hey, now. Mixing liquors isn’t a good thing. I wasn’t drunk.”
Clint paused. “She’s actually got a point there. Mixing liquors like that is the devil.”
Michael threw his head back. “THE DEVIL!”
And when they burst out laughing again, I rolled my eyes.
“You guys have too many inside jokes,” Allison said.
Michael smiled. “Now you know how Clint and I feel whenever we’re around you two.”
My jaw dropped open. “Hey. Hey, now. We don’t have nearly that many inside jokes.”
Clint nodded. “She’s right, you know. We have more because we’re more awesome.”
The guys high-fived as Allison giggled.
“Oh, and don’t you guys worry about those parties,” Clint said with pride in his voice. “With someone as devilishly handsome as me in your posse, you’re bound to get in.”
4
Clinton
After indulging in an ice cream cone that dripped down the length of my arm, I washed up. Giving Rae some space, and giving me the ability to splash some water in my face. Maybe it was the heat. Or the pressure of looming decisions, but she’d been a lot snappier lately. And it wasn’t just at me. Mike asked me more than once if she was all right. And sometimes, I saw Ally’s face contort in pain whenever something flew out of Rae’s mouth directed right at her. I knew something deeper was going on with my girl. I knew something was bothering Rae.
I just didn't know what.
Or how to begin to fix it.
I made my way back out to the booth and slid in beside Rae. I got the feeling she didn’t want to be held, so I simply sat there, watching her as she watched the ocean. In any other world, this should’ve felt like a utopia. A perfect world, where nothing else mattered except the two of us.
But it didn’t feel like that at all.
And what was worse was that these times were quickly coming to a close. In a few weeks, we’d all be tossed to the corners of California’s map. Without any way to get back and see one another easily. Mike and Ally were on their way to Stanford, of all places. Which didn’t shock me one fucking bit. They were both smart. More intelligent than I could’ve ever been. I mean, all I was doing was working on some sort of stupid book. An idea that flourished in my head just before we all graduated.
The shit thing was, I didn't even feel comfortable telling Rae about it.
Mike knew about it. But that was it. I didn’t want to tell Ally, because I knew she’d mention it to Rae. Which would then kick up yet another fight about why I didn’t tell Rae first. And how the hell was I supposed to phrase that answer? Hey, I didn’t tell you about something happy going on with me because you’ve been miserable and I don’t know why?
Yeah. That’d get me a speeding ticket as I zoomed through Relationship City and crash-landed in Single Town.
“You guys want to take a walk along the pier?”
Mike’s voice pulled us both from our trances and I nodded.
“Sure,” I said.
But Rae had a different answer.
“Nah, you guys go ahead. I’m going to sit here a little while longer.”
I furrowed my brow. “You don’t want to
go?”
She shrugged. “My legs hurt from rollerblading. I just want to rest.”
“I’ll carry you, if you’d like.”
“Clint, it’s fine.”
“Piggy-back style?”
“Clint, I said I don’t want to go.”
“Bridal style? I know you like that one.”
“Clint.”
I sighed. “Rae, please. Come take a walk on the pier with me. Let’s watch the sunset together.”
After a long pause, she finally nodded her head. I helped her out of the booth before she jumped onto my back, and away we went. I carried her effortlessly as Ally and Mike walked in front of us. Hand in hand, unable to get enough of each other. Their arms bumped together and they kept whispering to each other. Giggling. Laughing and playing around. I missed things like that with me and Rae. I missed having those moments with her.
All I got from her nowadays were heavy sighs and rolls of her eyes.
We all walked to the pier and I set Rae down. She rollerbladed softly at my side as I kept up with my long strides. With our hands cupped, but no fingers threaded together, I felt us drifting apart. The more we walked, the further away our bodies became. Until her hand fell away from mine.
And she skated up further by herself.
Mike and Ally kept peeking back at me. Shooting me glances and looks I wanted to slap right off their fucking faces. It made me angry, seeing those glances. And I hadn’t experienced that kind of anger in months. Not since the turn of the year, when things really settled down with Cecilia and myself.
Despite the bullshit Dad kept throwing our way.
We all got to the end of the pier and I gazed out over the water. I didn’t bother going after Rae. If she wanted to come stand beside me, she would. I kept stealing glances over at Mike. Over at Ally. At the way they intertwined with one another. At the way Ally let Mike hold her close. I ached to have that with Rae again. I couldn't even remember the last time we’d made love.
“Hey there.”
Rae’s voice ripped me from my trance. She slipped her arm around mine and relief flooded my veins. As the sun slowly set, we stood there. Leaning against the pier. Taking in the sun’s murky reflection in the ocean water.