by Hart, Rebel
Then, Ally spoke. “Things will never be the same again.”
My stomach dropped as Rae sighed.
“You’re right. It won’t.”
Mike piped up. “That doesn’t mean we can’t get together, though. This isn’t an end.”
Rae snickered. “Yeah. Just a massive change that never goes according to plan.”
I slowly looked over at her. “What was your plan?”
She shrugged. “Does it matter now?”
I furrowed my brow. “It’s always mattered to me, Rae.”
Her eyes turned up toward mine and I saw tears in them. Pain. My girl was hurting, and it killed me inside. I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her close to me. And as her cheek fell against my chest, she sniffled. The sound was enough to cripple me. I felt like my body had been broken all over again. I kissed the top of her head, over and over. Trying to physically kiss the pain out of her body.
A body I hadn’t felt against mine in weeks.
“The distance won’t keep any of us apart. Not in spirit, anyway,” I murmured.
Mike nodded. “He’s right. We’re going to have our phones. Which means video conferences. Weekends with one another.”
Ally giggled. “And don’t forget holidays. We’re still exchanging New Year’s presents like we always do.”
I nodded. “Yeah. I’ve only gotten to do that once with you guys. I’m not missing out on another chance to do it.”
Rae snickered. “I guess so.”
Ally shrugged. “Well, I don’t guess. I know.”
Rae whispered, “At least one of us does.”
I held her as close as she’d let me as her tears fell against my shirt. She cried softly as the sun set, and it felt as if the weight of the world had settled back onto my shoulders. I kept looking over at Mike’s and Ally’s worried faces. We were all worried for Rae. She’d shut all of us out, in some way, shape, or form. None of us knew what to do about it, either.
Especially after all we’d been through this past year.
The sun set and darkness blanketed us, forcing us to turn around. Rae skated in front of me, making a quick exit away from my embrace. I slipped my hands into my pockets. I heaved a heavy sigh. I walked behind Mike and Ally, trying not to stare as they kissed underneath the moonlight.
“You girls want a ride home?” he asked.
Ally smiled up at him. “I don’t know about Rae. But I’d love one.”
By the time we got to Mike’s car, Rae was standing there. She had her rollerblades in hand and she looked eager to get into the stifling car. Mike unlocked the doors and we all piled in. We rode home silently, and not once did Rae let me take her hand. She didn’t look at me, or talk to me, or lean in to kiss me.
The only thing that gave me hope was her climbing out behind me once we got back to my apartment.
“Rae, you staying here?” Ally asked.
She nodded. “Yeah. Just want to spend some time with Clint for a little while.”
Mike leaned over. “Need me to come get you in a couple hours?”
She shook her head. “I’ll catch a ride or hail a cab.”
Mike looked at me before he nodded his head. Ally rolled up her window, and they slowly pulled away. I looked down at the woman I loved. The girl who was growing into such an angry, closed-off, uncertain woman. She bit her lower lip and shuffled on her feet. Clearly waiting for me to make a move.
So I did.
“How are your feet?”
She shrugged. “Kind of sore.”
“Want to go inside and soak them?”
She sighed. “I’d actually really like that.”
“Sure. Yeah. Of course.”
I escorted her to the apartment and let her inside. I called out for Cecilia as I shut the door, but no sound was heard. My stomach dropped for a split second. Had the door been unlocked before I walked in?
“A date?” Rae asked.
I whipped my head over to her and found her holding up a note.
“It says here that your stepmom’s… on a date?”
I grinned. “Oh, damn. She must’ve accepted.”
Rae’s eyebrows rose. “She’s already dating?”
I walked over, taking the note from her. “I mean, I knew this one guy was into her. Kept coming around with flowers and shit. But I didn't think she’d actually do dinner with him.”
“Has the divorce been finalized?”
I nodded. “Yep. She got the official paperwork in the mail… two weeks ago?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
I paused. “I, uh… guess it slipped my mind.”
“Really, Clint? Something you and Cecilia have been battling against for months just slipped your mind?”
And when she scoffed, I felt like I’d taken three steps back.
She walked out of the kitchen and made her way to my bedroom. I didn’t even get the damn note settled down onto the counter before I heard my bath running. Rae kept murmuring to herself. I stood back to try and hear what she was saying. I couldn’t make it out, though. The damn water was running too loudly for me to hear.
“Clint, is it okay if I just take a bath?”
I stepped into the bathroom. “Of course. You can make yourself at home. You know that.”
“Do I, though?”
She shot me a look I couldn’t read. Which was pathetic, because she’d been giving me that look a lot. I watched her peel her clothes off, my hands aching to rush over her toned curves. I hadn’t held her naked body against mine in weeks. I felt my cock jumping to life as her clothes fell to the floor. I wanted her. I needed her. I’d do anything to get between those legs just for a few minutes.
Which is all it would take at this point.
Rae eased herself into the bath as steam slowly filled the room. The bubbles mounted around her body, shielding it from me as she sank into the tub. I went and closed the toilet before sitting down. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes as her arms fell into the water. She sighed with relief. Much like she used to do whenever she was in my arms at night.
Then silence wrapped around us.
“The divorce was finalized a couple of weeks ago. But Dad really gave us the runaround on it.”
Rae’s brow furrowed. “Oh?”
I nodded. “Yeah. He came by more than a few times and kicked off arguments with Cecilia.”
Her eyes popped open. “Wait a second, you never told me that.”
I shrugged. “I didn’t want to worry you. I took care of it. Though once I had to call the police to have him escorted off the property.”
“See, this is what I don’t get about you. Why are you leaving me out of the loop all of a sudden?”
“I’m not leaving you out of the loop. I’m trying to fill you in now.”
“Yeah, two weeks later. How many times have we had alone time in the past two weeks?”
I paused. “Once, Rae. And that was only for a few minutes before your mother interjected and you invited her to join us for our pizza and a movie night.”
She swallowed hard. “Oh.”
“Yeah. So… anyway. The divorce is over. But things didn’t quite go our way.”
“How so?”
I sighed. “Dad fought in court that if Mom wanted her half of his money, then she should also assume half of his debt.”
She sat up. “What?”
I nodded. “Yeah. His lawyer argued that if she wanted to get her hands on his money, then it was only fair to ‘split up the red as well as the black’ between them.”
“Don’t tell me the judge went for it.”
“Yeah. He did.”
“You know damn good and well your father paid off that fucking judge.”
I shrugged. “Maybe so. But when the divorce was finalized, more than half of the money she got from my father was eaten up in past-due debt. Credit cards she racked up that he stopped paying on. Shit like that.”
“Wait, the card he had to legally let her use until
the divorce finalized, he stopped paying on?”
I nodded slowly. “He manipulated this every step of the way. By the time Cecilia was done paying off the debt she inherited from the divorce, she had enough money to do one of two things. Set it aside for an eventual retirement if she wanted to ever have any solace in her later years. Or live frugally without a job until she could figure something out.”
“What did she pick, Clint?”
“I told her it was financially responsible for her to set that money aside. Let it grow, like a retirement fund. Maybe in a decade, if she invests wisely, it’ll grow to a point where she only has to work part-time. Because that’s the only kind of work she can find right now with absolutely no work history.”
“And until then?”
“I’ve… been helping her as much as I can.”
Realization washed over Rae’s face. And for the first time in months, she softened toward me.
“Why the fuck didn’t you just tell me this was going on?”
I shrugged. “Things between us have been rough lately. I didn't know if you were going through something at home, and I didn't want to pile on.”
“Why didn’t you just ask then, Clint? You never ask if I’m okay.”
“I ask how you’re doing all the time.”
“It’s not the same.”
I sighed with frustration. “Then tell me how you want me to ask if you’re okay. Because I ask, every day, how you’re doing. And every damn day, I get the same damn answer. Just tell me what you want, Rae. And you’ll have it.”
“Why do I have to tell you everything? You’ve been with me for how long now, Clint?”
“You know, I never took you for the kind of girl to play these kinds of games. I’m not a mind-reader, and I never will be.”
I reached over and turned off the water before it overflowed the tub.
“I’m not playing games, Clint. But, there’s a difference between you saying Hey, what's up? and Rae, you don’t look so good. You okay?”
“I asked you if you were okay over ice cream!”
“And I wasn’t ready to talk about it over ice cream. Not with Allison and Michael there, anyway!”
“Well, are you ready to talk about it now? Because I’m tired of this bullshit.”
“What bullshit?”
“This. The walking on eggshells, and the uncertainty. And your mood swings. And the lack of intimacy between us. And the lack of communication. You don’t even act like you want to be around me anymore, Rae. Do you know how that makes me feel?”
She teared up. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to--”
“I know you didn’t mean to. My father never meant to beat the shit out of me, but he did.”
She sat up straight. “Don’t you fucking dare compare me to your father!”
“Then stop making me feel like my father did and talk to me. I love you, Rae. Now cut the bullshit and tell me what’s wrong. Because I know something is.”
5
Raelynn
I slumped back down into the bubbles. I didn’t know how to answer that question. My heartrate ticked up and my eyes wouldn't focus. My hands shook underneath the water and it became hard to breathe. I closed my eyes and it felt as if the world were tilting around me. Over and over, trying to make me sick. And still, all my body wanted to do was sink underneath the water and fall asleep. Just give in to the silent fight raging within me.
I’d felt like this for weeks.
A black pit opened up in my gut, swallowing whatever fear I had. Leaving me with… nothing. An emptiness inside I didn’t know how to explain. How was I supposed to look at the boy I loved and tell him I didn’t feel anything? Tell him I didn’t know anything? Tell him all I wanted to do was fall asleep and never wake up?
I couldn't put my finger on it.
All I knew was that the mere idea of school made me tremble with nerves.
I didn’t want to go to this orientation. I didn’t want my friends coming with me. I just wanted to stay home and bury myself in my own misery. But every time I thought about staying with my mother, more of that emptiness popped up. Sleep had eluded me for days. It grew hard to think straight. And spitting out the fact that I was living in a dorm room for the first semester of college made me want to puke.
College.
Whose fucking idea was that, anyway?
“Rae?”
“Can you hear me?”
“Rae, talk to me. You’ve got me worried.”
Clint’s voice finally pulled me from my trance and I drew in a sharp breath.
“Yeah, yeah. I can hear you.”
“You’re trembling, Rae. The fuck’s going on?”
I snickered. “You’re yelling at me. That’s what’s going on.”
He paused. “I’m sorry. I’m just frustrated.”
“Yeah, well, me too.”
“Tell me what to do.”
“I don’t know what to do, Clint!”
My voice rose with such fervor that it echoed off the corners of the walls. Clint flinched away from me and I slid my head underneath the water. Underneath the bubbles. Relief. The water provided relief. It muffled the sounds of the world around me and muted the screaming inside my head. I felt as if I were floating. As if I weighed nothing. As if I were nothing, and that was all right. Because even in my nothingness, I was still exactly where I needed to be.
When my lungs started burning, I came up for air. And when I wiped the soapy water from my eyes, Clint was gone. No longer did he sit on the toilet, begging me to talk. Instead, I heard him stripping his clothes down in his bedroom. Going to bed, most likely. I needed to get out of the tub and get home anyway. I needed to sort through all this shit before I talked to him about it. I knew he was feeling out of place, anyway. Being the only one of the four of us not attending college of any sort. Floating around from place to place. Not really knowing where he belonged.
I understand that feeling all too well.
“Up.”
I whipped my eyes up and saw Clint’s naked body for the first time in weeks.
“Wh--what?”
He motioned with his hand. “Up. Scoot up.”
“Clint, I don’t--”
“Up, Rae. Now.”
Curling my knees toward my chest, I moved myself forward. Clint stepped into the hot bath behind me, hissing softly as he eased himself down. Steam still rose from the water. The bubbles sloshed over the edge. His hands fell to my shoulders, making me jump as he guided me against him. My naked back was seated against his strong chest. A feeling I hadn’t indulged in weeks.
It brought tears to my eyes as his arms slid around my waist.
“Just try for me, please,” he murmured.
I sniffled. “I don’t know if I can.”
“Just try. That’s all I’m asking. Even if it’s jumbled.”
So, with a deep breath in, I tried for him.
“I’m worried that when things change, it won’t be as good. Or maybe I won’t fit in. Or maybe college is a mistake.”
He kissed the top of my head. “Keep going. You’re doing great.”
I sighed. “Home has been terrible. And yet, it’s all I know.”
“Why is home still terrible?”
“Mom stopped looking for a job months ago. She just… floats around during the day. Asking me for money. Telling me to take care of this and that. Telling me how proud she is of me for taking care of our family.”
He paused. “Wait, you’re paying your mother’s bills?”
I shrugged. “What else am I going to do? She stopped looking for a job and bills had to get paid somehow. I’ve drained almost all the money I got selling stuff. I-I-I mean, D.J. tried coming back again and I was so fucking happy with her for turning him away. But all she did was turn to me.”
“Rae, why didn’t you--?”
I groaned. “Because I didn’t want to burden you, Clint. You’ve got your own shit going on. I know how hard your father made this divorce. I
didn’t want to bog you down.”
“You're not bogging me down. I want to help you. I want to be here for you like you’re here for me.”
“And I get that. I do. It’s just--”
He held me tighter. “It’s just what, Rae?”
I sniffled. “I don’t know. It’s just… so much. All at once. I thought I could trust Mom with my finances and shit. I told her about my college plans. Getting my own place. Maybe with you. And she was happy about it, until she wasn’t. She started asking for money here and there. Money for milk. Groceries. Picking up the tab if we went out to lunch. Then it just kind of grew.”
“And you didn’t feel as if you could say no.”
I shrugged. “She’s my mom, Clint. She was there for me after Dad left. And yeah, she’s not perfect. But at least she tries. You know?”
“You don’t owe her for that.”
“Yes, I do.”
“No, you don’t, Rae. She’s supposed to give that to you because you’re her child. You owe her nothing.”
“Yeah, well. I don’t have anything else to sell off to recuperate the money. So, I’m back to scraping pennies off the ground and working as much as I can at the grocery store while hiding how much I’m working so Mom doesn’t keep asking for more fucking money.”
“Is that why you want to live in the dorms for the first semester?”
I paused for a long time before I spoke.
“If I can find a job on campus to work, not having rent or anything will put more money in my pocket for a place, yeah.”
He kissed the back of my head. “You don’t want to stay on campus, do you?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me that, then?”
“Because living off campus is my idea and you shouldn't be financially responsible for my idea.”
“That’s bullshit. Do you even hear how much bullshit that--?”
I sighed with frustration. “I don’t care if it’s bullshit, okay? I just--do you know how envious I am of Michael and Allison right now? I mean, full fucking rides? Allison’s parents paying for her place off campus? Michael, going to school right along with her? I mean, fucking hell. Their parents are setting them up to succeed while my mother’s so sad because her goddamn meal ticket’s leaving!”