by Hart, Rebel
“Want to go for a ride?” Clint asked.
I smiled. “I’d love to.”
He opened my car door for me. “Where to?”
I shrugged. “Honestly? Anywhere that isn’t here.”
I climbed up into the car and he closed my door. Lightning flashed across the sky and I saw my mother’s silhouette at the window. She watched as Clint and I pulled away. I felt her eyes following us up the road, watching us until we disappeared from sight.
Fucking hell, I was glad to be away from that woman again.
“Are you hungry for dessert?”
I shook my head. “Not really.”
“What about some coffee?”
I shrugged. “Probably not the best idea when it’s nine at night.”
“So, we park and talk? Maybe with some snacks?”
I snickered. “You didn’t eat enough at dinner, did you?”
He sighed. “Can you blame me for wanting to get out of there?”
I giggled as he pulled out onto the main road. We drove through a fast food place and he got himself a soda along with two large french fries. I shook my head at him when he offered me one. He set it in my lap anyway.
“I know you didn’t eat dinner. The fries are there for when you stop being stubborn.”
I snickered. “Gee. Thanks. My hero.”
He held his french fries between his legs so he could eat and drive. And when he pulled into the parking lot of the abandoned park, I smiled. Brightly. I looked over at the bench where Clint found me that night. Found me wallowing in my own self pity before I came to understand why he was the way he was. I plucked a french fry from its container and nibbled on it. One, and then another. I picked up Clint’s large soda and took a sip, feeling him grinning at me.
“What?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Nothing. You just look beautiful tonight.”
I blushed at his words. “So much has changed, you know.”
He nodded slowly. “Yeah. I know.”
“Who would’ve predicted the change in our lives after you found me on that park bench over there?”
“Oh, is that the bench? I couldn't remember.”
I shoved him playfully and he laughed.
“Come on. Quit being a dick.”
He winked at me. “Maybe I do remember.”
I snickered. “A complete accident changing our lives. I’d never experienced anything like it, up until that point.”
“Back when you were still nerdy Rae Cleaver.”
“Yeah, and back when I thought you were still a jerk.”
He smirked. “Hey, you were the stuck-up know-it-all. I’m not the only guilty one in this party.”
I shrugged. “Not my fault I know everything.”
He laughed, and the effortlessness of my own laughter took me by surprise. Clint leaned toward me, his salted lips pressing against mine. And I loved it. I cupped his cheek, keeping him there as our lips lingered, our tongues softly exploring. I wanted it to stay this way forever. This carefree. This exciting. This easy.
I didn’t want things to ever change.
His forehead fell against mine and I panted softly. Catching my breath, my eyes opened. And I found him staring at me. He gripped my chin softly, causing me to gasp. His gaze kept hold of mine as he tilted my head up further, exposing my face to him. Exposing my breaking façade as he stared straight into my soul.
I still didn’t know how he did that.
“Rae.”
His voice was steady. Even. My breath hitched in my throat. I’d miss that. I’d miss hearing him say my name like that. Surely, I wouldn't hear it as much once I went off to college. I wouldn't feel his touch enough or kiss him enough or sleep next to him enough. It killed me, not getting a place with him. It killed me, him not coming to college with me. I didn’t want to leave him behind in this town. In this small slice of hell we somehow made our home in. He deserved so much better. So much more than this life.
And it angered me that he wouldn't reach for it.
“Yeah?” I asked breathlessly.
His eyes danced between mine as his tongue darted out to lick his lips.
“Something’s bothering you. What is it?”
I bit down onto my bottom lip to keep from kissing him. Because if he pushed me away from that kiss, I wouldn't be able to bear it. I looked away, trying to shake his grip. But he held my chin harder, keeping my face pointed toward his.
“Clint--”
“Stop fighting me and look at me, Raelynn.”
I snickered. “Don’t use my full name like that.”
“I’ll do whatever it takes to get your attention.”
“Even doing something I don’t like, Clinton?”
His eye twitched. “Why are you intentionally trying to hurt me?”
I furrowed my brow. “What?”
“You have to know how much this is hurting me. You’re pushing me away and it’s killing me inside. Why are you doing it?”
“I--you--what are--?”
“I know you, Rae. Sometimes better than you know yourself. And I know you’re actively aware of how much you’re pushing against me. How much space you’re putting between us. You’re smarter than that. Even if you refuse to see it, you know it’s there. Staring us in the face. The gap that keeps widening because you won’t talk.”
Dread filled my gut. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to change it. Sorry only covers up so much. And I’m begging you, damn it. Let me in. Talk to me. I mean, how the hell can I be there for you if you won’t let me in?”
His hand moved to my cheek. He cupped it, and I nuzzled against his palm, feeling his calluses and the warmth of his skin. My eyes closed and I sighed with relief, stealing the bit of comfort he provided me. My heart broke. It shattered into a million pieces on the floor. I knew he was right. I knew I was pushing him away. And yet, I had no idea how to stop it.
Other than to talk, of course.
“Have I made a mistake with school?”
It came out as nothing but a whisper. But I knew he heard it. His hand tensed and he raised my head up, forcing my eyes back open. And when I found his stare, I felt rooted to my seat.
“Do you think you’ve made a mistake, Rae?”
I shook my head. “I-I-I--I don’t know. I mean, you saw the mixed signals Mom sent me. How proud she sounds when she talks about me going to college, then how hard she pushes me to stay home.”
“And we both know why that is.”
“Yeah. I know. But--I mean, I love English. Don’t get me wrong. It’s the only subject I don’t suck balls at. And kids are great. I could be around them for the rest of my life. But…”
He smoothed his thumb over my cheek. “But?”
I sighed. “I don’t know if Mom actually wants this for me. And I mean, if she doesn’t, what if she fights me all the way through school? Or moves closer and wants me to live with her? She’d pull that shit, you know. Selling the house just to move closer to campus to keep me on her leash. And that would be torture, you know? But I don’t know if I could tell her no. And this degree? English, teaching kids? I don’t know if it’s what I want to do. I’ve always loved graphic design. So did I choose that just because they only have a graphic design major? And if I did, is it worth taking at least a semester off to find a school where I can get a full degree in it? And then, there’s the fucking scholarships. One year paid in full to help me with grades that will enable me to apply for more scholarships. Because fuck only knows Mom doesn’t have the money to put me through school. And what if I give that up to wait a year and it’s not there? Then I’m stuck with no way to pay for school. At least right now, I have a year to think shit through while I’m getting requirements out of the way. But what if I get into the graphic design classes and don’t even like those? What the hell am I going to do then? I don’t have anything else I enjoy. I don’t have anything else I’m good at. Why the fuck do I have to have my li
fe figured out by the time I’m eighteen? Why can’t I at least be able to drink first!?”
The more I spoke, the quicker the words came. And by the time I was done, I panted for air. Clint’s eyes widened as his hand slid down my neck, cupping my shoulder before leaning back against his car window.
“Wow. Okay.”
I collapsed against my seat. “I know.”
I hid my face in my hands and tried to hold back my tears.
“I know, I know. I’m an idiot. I’m an indecisive, anxious idiot. Talk about first world problems, right?”
“Hey, hey, hey. Come on, now. You’re far from an idiot.”
“I feel like an idiot.”
He pulled my hands away from my face. “If anything, you’re lucky.”
I blinked. “Lucky?”
“Yeah. Lucky. I mean, think about it. Nothing’s set in stone yet. You have the luxury of a bit more time and the chance to make a different choice. You go, get some classes out of the way that transfer anywhere you need them to, and you get time away from your mother to really think this through about what you want for your life.”
I paused. “I--I guess, yeah.”
He chuckled, shaking his head. “You know, for a smart girl, you’re really dense sometimes.”
I shoved him playfully. “Dick.”
He held up his hands in innocence. “All right, all right. Maybe that was a bit mean. But look. Okay. Let’s see how you can figure out if this is what you want. I’m sure there’s a way.”
“I’m not so sure there is.”
“I mean, what about this road trip coming up? With your orientation, or whatever? Maybe you can talk to someone about sitting in on some English classes. Upper level ones. The ones you’d tackle once you got into your senior year. And maybe an education class. To get a feel for both of those worlds.”
“I’m not sure if they’d let me do that.”
“It doesn't hurt to ask. And you’re going to a school that’s fairly close. Maybe one of the teachers at the high school can put in a good word for you or something. I’m sure someone is networked in there. Cal State is a pretty big campus with a lot of faculty.”
I sighed. “But what if I can’t do that? What then?”
He shrugged. “In the meantime, do some digging to see what else might be out there for you. I can help, if you want. I’m kind of a pro at that now anyway.”
“Really? You’d help me with something like that?”
“Did you think I wouldn't?”
I guess my pause was long enough. Because Clint leaned forward with a determined look on his face. He cupped my cheek, forcing me to pay attention to him as his face fell stern. I’d never seen him like this. So guiding. So reassuring. So firm in what he was talking about.
The look suited him.
“Rae, whatever you need me to do, I’m here for you. I know that whatever you choose, you’re going to be brilliant in. All you have to do is figure out what that is. Figure out where your heart lies. Where your passion lies. And yes, that takes time. But you have time to figure it out. Your future hasn’t been decided yet. You have avenues. Many avenues. But you can’t find them until you start seeking them out. Sitting here and worrying about it isn’t going to make it any different. It’s only going to make it worse.”
I nodded. “You’re right.”
“In this particular instance, I know I’m right. What you need now is action. Movement forward. You’ve been stewing in an endless purgatory, waiting for some impending date. So put some motion in these long days. Make daily goals of what you'll find out, what you’ll accomplish, and what answer to what question you seek. Even if it’s only one question. It’s going to help. I mean, it helped me, at least.”
I sighed. “You’re amazing, you know that?”
He nodded. “I do. I also know we’ve knocked our french fries onto the floorboard of the car. They’re kind of useless now.”
I giggled. “You’re insane.”
“And you’re okay. At least, you’re going to be.”
“You think so?”
He kissed the tip of my nose. “I know so, Rae.”
I threw my arms around him and buried my face into his neck. He scooped me up, pulling me into his lap as I curled my knees up to my chest. He rocked me softly, kissing my forehead and murmuring how we’d all make it out okay in the long-run. That, at the end of the day, we both had each other. And with that, we could get through anything.
I could only hope he was right.
10
Clinton
Cecilia knocked on my door. “Clint? Michael’s here.”
I zipped my suitcase up. “Thanks, Ma.”
She opened my door. “Sorry to barge in, just wanted to make sure you didn’t want to take anything that’s in the dryer. It just stopped.”
“Actually, yeah. I think my coat’s in there.”
“You think you’ll need it during this hot summer?”
I shrugged. “Better to be safe than sorry.”
I knew she was worried about me. But she didn’t have to be. It was just a weekend trip to Rae’s orientation at Cal State while the rest of us palled around until she got out. Sure, there might be a party we got ourselves busy with. But nothing serious. Nothing that would get us into any trouble.
“It’ll be fine, Ma. I promise.”
She sighed as I hugged her.
“I know it will, Clint. I just--I’m worried. You know how it is.”
I kissed the top of her head. “I do.”
Things hadn’t necessarily gotten better once the divorce was finalized. Cecilia was worried since my father knew where she lived. She thought he might pop by one day unannounced, like he did about two months into the divorce proceedings. It freaked her out then, and put her on edge every time she was home alone. Hell, even when she was with me, she had a tendency to jump at the sounds coming from outside. Or above our heads. Or the creaking of the walls as the apartment expanded and contracted from temperature drops.
“Why don’t you invite your friend to come over?”
Cecilia patted my back. “I’ll be okay. Just worried about you.”
I grinned. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, so I will. I’m going to be gone for a few days. This would be a perfect time to invite him over and show him around. You know, since I haven’t officially met him or anything.”
“Clint.”
I chuckled. “Seriously, Ma. If he’s a good man, he’ll come stay with you. Or at least check up on you. There’s nothing wrong with leaning on someone. Especially during times like these. Okay?”
She sighed. “How did you get so smart?”
I kissed her forehead. “You can blame Rae for that.”
I slipped beside her and went to pull my jacket out of the dryer. Mike stood in the living room, grinning from ear to ear as I passed him by. He slapped me on the back as I went to go get my suitcase. Then, I hugged Ma one last time.
“Call me if you need anything, Clint. Okay?”
I nodded. “I will. I promise.”
“And you’ve got enough money?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Promise?”
I sighed. “Goodbye, Ma.”
“Love you, Clint!”
“Love you, too!”
And when I got the apartment door closed behind me, Mike chuckled.
“Awww, how cute.”
I grinned. “Yeah, well. Better than getting tossed around.”
His face fell. “Dude, I totally didn't mean it like that.”
I snickered. “You’re gonna have to learn to take those jokes. That’s how I process things, you know.”
“Really, though. You two doing okay?”
We walked to his car. “You know what? I think we are. I mean, it’s not easy. But we’re good at budgets and pinching pennies. Ma’s teaching me things about saving money here and there I didn’t know about.”
“What your father did to her is bullshit, you know.”
> I shrugged. “From an unbiased perspective, it makes sense.”
“Still fucked up.”
“Never said it wasn’t.”
I piled my things into his trunk, then climbed into the backseat. I knew Ally would want to sit with him. And I sure as hell wanted to cuddle with Rae as we drove into the city. He pulled away from the apartment complex and made his way out, readying us to go get the girls.
And as I gazed out the window, Mike cleared his throat.
“So, how are things with you and Rae?”
I nodded. “Good, actually. Really good lately. I think we’re a bit apprehensive about how much things will change in the fall, but we’ll work it out.”
“Trust me, Ally’s worried about the same thing.”
“She is?”
Mike nodded. “Yep. We’ve talked about it a few times, but I can tell it worries her. How far away she and Rae will be. Whether or not classes will get in the way of us. Things like that.”
“And plus, we’ve all been through a lot of hell together. A lot tougher things than starting college, right?”
He snickered. “You’re damn right we have. You and Rae, especially.”
“Side note, you should really step on it. The girls are gonna ride our asses about being late.”
“I’m not the one who had to kiss my momma on the lips.”
I rolled my eyes. “Pick at me all you want, but I couldn’t imagine my life without Ma in it.”
“Does she like you calling her that?”
I smiled. “Yeah. She does.”
“Good. That’s really good.”
“So how are you and Allison?”
He snickered. “You want me to talk? Or get to the girls on time?”
“You can’t do both?”
He chuckled. “Takes concentration to time when I can zoom through the yellow lights and when I can’t.”
“Ah, if we’re a few minutes late, I’m sure they won’t mind. And if they ride us? We’ll stop for snacks. Snacks always hush Rae’s mouth.”
“You want me to tell her that? Or do you want to offer up that little tidbit to her when they’re complaining in the car later?”
I chuckled. “Answer the damn question, Mike.”