by Hart, Rebel
Something she wasn’t telling me.
I knew that thing I couldn't place was the source of her anger from last night. And even though her words kept echoing off the corners of my mind, I was able to think rationally. I drew in deep breaths as the elevator carried me downstairs. My biggest fear, in all of this, had been losing her. I didn’t want to put words to the idea because I was terrified of speaking into existence such a damning thing. But after last night, I wasn’t afraid to admit it.
My biggest fear was losing Rae in all of this.
I mean, I couldn't see my life without her. Some of my darkest days had been lived with her in them. I didn’t know where I’d be had it not been for her this past year. And I wanted to repay her. I wanted to find a way to help her through this dark time in her life. Through the shit with her mother. Through this shit with school.
Through this shit with us.
The elevator doors opened and I strode through the hotel. I pushed my way out the doors and started for the sidewalk. Thinking about going back to a time without Rae made me sick. Sicker than I had been last night. I shook my head at the thought. No, I wouldn’t go back to a time like that. Rae wasn’t leaving me. Not like this. I’d go back to my old ways in a heartbeat if she did. Last night was proof of that. Even with just her being mad at me--not wanting me around at the party—I’d slipped down a rabbit hole that almost got me beat up and tossed into a ditch.
I’d be that angry guy nobody could save.
And that wasn’t an option.
You don’t deserve Rae.
You have some serious decisions to make.
You know she meant those words last night.
You know she’s not telling you something.
“I love her,” I murmured.
As I passed by people on the sidewalk, my mind spun. The voice in my head fought me every step of the way. But uttering out loud how much I loved her seemed to help. I felt people looking at me as if I were a crazy person. I didn’t give a shit. Above all else, I wanted to make sure Rae made the right choices for her life. Not for me, or for her mother, or because she wanted out of town. Or away from her mother and that bullshit.
She needs help.
She needs guidance.
She needs someone to be her rock right now.
“I’m going to help her,” I murmured.
I mean, it wasn’t as if I wasn’t guilty of doing much worse. I had actually ended things between me and Rae because I thought it was good for her. Because I thought getting her away from me would help her live a life she deserved. I actually broke the fuck up with her when things were at their worst. So spouting off a few words? Shit, that was nothing compared to what that girl had been through with me.
Compared to what I had done to her.
Time for you to be there for her like she was with you.
I looked to get my bearings so I could turn around. Get my ass back to the hotel. Sit down with Rae poolside or take her out for lunch and figure out where the fuck we went from here. We. As a unit. But when I saw the Cal State campus in front of me, I laughed bitterly.
Of course I’d end up here.
How the hell was it that my fucking feet had led me here? To the place I felt was stealing my girl from me? I shook my head as I picked up my foot, then stepped off the sidewalk. The grass gave way underneath my feet. I kept putting one foot in front of the other until I passed by the college’s welcome sign. I gazed around at all the buildings. Some of them were tall, some of them only one story. I looked at all the guys and girls walking around campus. Chatting and laughing in their groups. They all looked as if they belonged together. As if their future purpose in life came from the veins of this very campus.
I wondered if Rae had felt the same way at orientation.
I slipped my hands into my pockets and walked around. I drew in the humid summer air and picked up snippets of conversations around me. Girls talking about their semester schedules. Boys talking about the next party. Upperclassmen talking about their graduation dates. A few professors, talking about their class schedules and trying to work out lunch times.
Then I came to a grand set of cement stairs.
My eyes wafted up the stairs before the sign on the front of the building came into view. Library. I was standing in front of the college campus library. Could I go in? Was it open to the public?
No harm in trying.
I rolled my shoulders back and walked up the steps. I got behind a group of disheveled students who already had stacks of books in their hands. I walked behind them into the library, then scanned the room. Aisles and aisles of books came into view, stretching from the floor to the ceiling. I walked over toward the library desk and looked up, craning my neck to get a view of the place. The middle of the building was open all the way to the top with rotunda levels that had thick, wooden banisters with chairs and desks bucked up to them.
“Can I help you with something?”
I whipped around at the sound of the elderly woman’s voice.
“Uh, yes. Do you have computers here for students to use?” I asked.
She smiled. “Depends. Are you a student?”
“Are you going to kick me out if I’m not yet?”
“Ah, a prospective student. You’re more than welcome to use our facilities to get a feel for them. You can’t use any of the computers on the upper levels. Those are reserved for students who are already enrolled. But over there in the corner is a small computer lab with some you can use without a student I.D. card.”
I nodded. “I appreciate it. Thank you.”
“And if there’s anything I can help you with, please let me know. My name’s Rhonda.”
I smiled. “Thank you, Mrs. Rhonda. I’ll keep that in mind.”
I made my way into the computer lab and picked one of the monitors in the corner so I wouldn't be disturbed. I knew Rae enjoyed English. But I also know she adored graphic design. But, to make matters worse, she had no idea what she wanted to do with the rest of her life.
So how could I help her make the most of the next year while she figured things out?
“Graphic design CSU.”
I murmured the words to myself as I typed them into the search engine.
“English major graphic design minor CSU.”
I kept talking softly to myself as my fingers typed at lightning speed.
“Graphic design major CSU.”
I frowned at the lack of a major in that department before opening a couple of tabs.
And as I continued my internet search for some answers to take back to the hotel, the voice at the back of my head haunted me.
She’s just going to break up with you.
No use in all this.
You’re an idiot, Clint. Cut your losses.
She’s going to hurt you.
But she couldn't hurt me any more than I had hurt her that day. The day she came to my house and I ended things with her just to protect her. It couldn't possibly be any worse than that. And after fighting to get me back, she deserved nothing less than the same treatment.
So I’d fight to win her back.
No matter what it cost me in the process.
31
Raelynn
“Clint, it’s me. Please pick up, okay? I’m worried about you.”
“Clint, you don’t even have to call. Just text. That’s it.”
“Clint, do we need to come looking for you?”
I went to dial his number again, but Michael took the phone from me.
“Hey! Give me that back.”
He tucked my phone in his pocket. “No can do, Rae. You’ve called him enough.”
I scoffed. “Yeah, and he hasn’t picked up. He’s been gone for over two hours. Where is he?”
Allison sighed. “Just give him some space. He probably left because he needed space.”
I pointed with my hand to Michael. “He can’t even tell us why Clint left! For all we know, he’s headed home and got into a car accident.
Or is being chased down. Or is in a great deal of trouble. We have to know where he is, okay? All he has to do is call me back.”
I reached for Michael’s pocket, but he stepped away from me.
“While I get that’s a legitimate concern with you, he’s fine.”
I snickered. “Sorry if I don’t take your damn advice.”
Michael sighed. “He’s already messaged me, Rae.”
I paused. “Say what now?”
He rolled his eyes. “Clint messaged me a few minutes ago. He’s fine. He’s just taking a walk.”
Allison butted in. “Show us.”
I threw my hands in the air. “Thank you! Someone who doesn’t make me feel crazy for being worried.”
Michael pulled out his phone. “I don’t think you’re being crazy. I just think you’re going overboard. Here. Look.”
He held up his phone and I saw Clint’s name. Clint’s number. And the text message from Clint. Sure enough, he had messaged Michael to let him know he was all right. But he hadn’t returned any of my texts or phone calls.
Which broke my heart a little more.
“Happy?” he asked.
I held out my hand. “I want my phone back, please.”
Michael shook his head. “No.”
I wiggled my fingers. “Give me my phone.”
Allison sighed. “Just give her the phone and stop making things worse.”
Michael rolled his eyes, but listened. He slapped my phone back into the palm of my hand and it took all the energy I had to slip it into my pocket. I wanted to keep calling Clint until he picked up. Just to hear his voice. Even if he was angry with me for calling a bajillion times, at least I’d hear his damn voice.
At least he messaged someone.
“Did he seem angry when he left?” I asked.
Michael shrugged. “No. Not at all. He just got up, announced he was leaving, and left.”
Allison rubbed my back. “That’s all that happened?”
He nodded. “I swear, that’s all that happened. He didn’t even take his damn notebook. It’s still in the room.”
I swallowed hard. “But he takes that thing everywhere.”
He sighed. “Which is why you can bet your ass he’s coming back. He has to come back at least for that.”
But not for me.
I sighed. “You think he’ll want to talk once he gets back?”
Michael shrugged. “I don’t think you’re really in a position to dictate that.”
Allison interjected. “Michael, she’s been raked through the mud enough. Back off.”
He snickered. “I mean, I’m just saying. The man needs his space. I get that. He has enough on his mind right now, and that was before the party shit last night.”
I furrowed my brow. “What else does he have on his mind?”
Michael rolled his eyes. “If you really don’t know that, then you’re more removed than I thought you were.”
Allison scoffed. “Michael!”
He threw his hands up. “Well, it’s true!”
I shook my head. “Even if he does need time to think, he’s thinking the wrong things. I have to get him on the phone. Clint is the only rock I have and--”
Allison smacked her lips. “Rude. You have us.”
I rolled my eyes. “I know, I know. It’s not like that. That’s not what I mean. I just--Clint is different, you know? I mean, I’m your rock, but Michael is also your rock. And his rock is a different kind of rock.”
I looked over at Allison and watched her shrug.
“You have a point,” she said.
I sighed. “I mean, Clint is…”
The room fell silent as I wracked my brain for the right word. I wasn’t even sure there was a word to describe what Clint was to me. My brain felt muddled. My body felt as if it were trapped in a vat full of Jello. Suspended in mid-conversation, with no way out.
“Forever?” Michael asked.
His voice pulled me from my trance and I found him arching his eyebrows. Allison watched me carefully, waiting for me to confirm or deny. I let the word tumble around in my head. ‘Forever.’
Then a soft smile slid across my face.
“Yeah. I think so. Clint is forever. And I have to tell him that.”
Allison grinned. “He’ll come around. He has to, okay? We’re his ride home.”
That made Michael laugh. But I didn’t find it funny at all.
“He technically has the money to catch a cab,” I said flatly.
Michael shrugged. “Like I said, he left his notebook behind.”
I rolled my eyes. “I don’t really know how I feel about being second place to a notebook.”
Allison giggled. “Then, don’t get high and drunk again before turning into a raging--”
Michael interjected. “And I was supposed to lay off.”
I glared at her. “Yeah, Allison. Lay off.”
She held up her hands. “Sorry, sorry. But, he’s not the only one you hurt last night. He’s just your main focus right now. Remember that.”
I nodded slowly. “I’m sorry. I know. And I swear, I’m going to make it up to you guys.”
Michael chuckled. “Steak dinner, anyone? I’m ready for some surf and turf.”
Allison sighed. “If you’re hungry, order some food. But we aren’t leaving until Clint shows back up.”
I smiled. “Finally, someone with some sense.”
Michael ordered us all food to be delivered to the hotel room. But it was hard for me to concentrate on eating. I kept staring at the door, waiting for Clint to knock on it. I kept pressing my hand against my phone, waiting for it to vibrate. I wanted to hear his voice so badly. I wanted to get down on my knees and apologize. But, if space was what he needed, then it’s the least he deserved.
Just come back to me, Clint. I can take it from there.
“You should eat.”
Allison’s voice pierced my thoughts and I sighed.
“Not hungry.”
Michael threw a fry at me. “Eat.”
I snickered. “Throwing food at me isn’t going t--”
Allison tossed broccoli at me. “Eat.”
“Now, come on. If I’m not eating a french fry, what makes you think I’m eating--?”
Michael threw another fry at me and I smiled. I tossed the fry back at him before picking up a piece of rice. I flicked it at Allison and she wrinkled her nose before tossing another small piece of broccoli in my direction.
Then, I armed myself with mashed potatoes.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That kind of ammunition isn’t approved for this hotel room,” Michael said.
I giggled. “Then, stop throwing food at me.”
Allison smiled. “How about this? You eat half of your meal, then we go to the pool.”
I paused. “I don't know if I feel like lounging by the pool right now.”
Michael took a bite of his food. “Why not?”
I shrugged. “I mean, what if Clint comes back up to the room?”
Allison reached for the pen on the bedside table. “We’ll leave him a note.”
Michael held up his finger. “In both rooms.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I’m just not really up to--”
Michael picked up some cauliflower and threw it at my nose. It bounced off the tip before falling into the gravy for my mashed potatoes. Allison and I both giggled.
“It’s either the pool, or I cover you in food. Your choice,” Michael said.
I grinned. “I mean, my answer might be different if you were--”
“You can stop that statement right now,” Allison said quickly.
I threw my head back with laughter as Michael started picking up the food on the floor.
“Fine, fine. I’ll go to the pool. Under one condition.”
Allison nodded. “Name it.”
“I get to play on my phone without Michael ripping it away from me.”
He stood up from the floor. “Stop bombarding C
lint’s phone with shit and I don’t care what you do with it.”
I smiled. “All right, deal.”
We all got ready and headed down to the pool. But I didn’t feel much like getting in. I was too anxious, and my eyes kept watching the gate. I lounged around on one of the pool chairs in the shade, trying to block out Allison and Michael’s obnoxious flirting. He tossed her around in the water before swimming to her. He’d capture her lips before she wiggled away. At one point in time, he trapped her at the corner of the pool. His hands were on either side of her, their gazes connected. I looked down at my phone, trying to distract myself. I pulled up the texts I’d sent to Clint and forced myself not to send him another one.
I wanted to so badly, though.
My two best friends giggled and laughed like there was no tomorrow. And as I watched them, a longing tug in my gut surfaced. I wanted Clint to be with me. Next to me. Pulling me into the pool or resting his hand against my thigh. Anything, just to show me he was here. I mean, I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve his presence right now. But it didn’t stop me from wanting it.
It didn’t stop me from wanting to apologize and make things up to him.
I looked down at my phone and scrolled through my contacts. I came across Clint’s number and hovered my finger over it. I peeked up at Michael and Allison, watching as they sucked face. I mean, that boy had his tongue all the way down her throat. And she looked to be enjoying herself.
Way to go, Allison.
I licked my lips and looked back down at my phone. It would be nothing to press his number and listen to see if he picked up. But I’d made my friends a promise. I told them that I wouldn't call him. I mean, what kind of friend would I be if I couldn't keep a single promise like that? Especially after last night.
But this was Clint.
And the anxiety forced me over the edge.
I pressed his number and forced the guilt away. I’d deal with their anger later. I closed my eyes and listened to the phone ringing through the receiver as Allison giggled in the background. A massive splash happened, muting the sounds of my phone. And as panic filled my veins, I held the phone to my ear.
“Clint, you there?”
The sounds of the water died down and I heard his phone still ringing. Still unanswered. It would shoot me to voicemail any second. I put the phone back down in my lap as tears rushed my eyes. I heard the smacking of my best friend’s lips as they made out, essentially in front of me. I pulled up my text messages to Clint again, standing up as my fingers flew across the screen.