by Hart, Rebel
“Rae, what are you doing?” Michael asked.
But I wasn’t paying attention.
Me: I’m sorry. For everything. If you still want to talk, I’ll be in the room. I really hope you’re okay. Please be okay, Clint.
Allison cleared her throat. “Rae?”
I picked up my things. “I’m going back up to the room to wait for Clint. I can’t do this any--”
The sound of Clint’s text messages dinged in the distance. The familiar trilling sound pulled my eyes upright as I gazed over at the fence. And standing there, with his stare heavily on me, was Clint.
Watching from the sidelines.
“Clint,” I whispered.
My knees went weak as he opened the pool gate. He walked toward me, his stare never wavering from mine. I felt tears of relief well up behind my eyes. My hands trembled as my phone threatened to fall to the concrete. I felt Michael and Allison watching us as Clint approached and stood in front of me. He gazed down upon me, blocking the sunlight from my face.
And the bruises against his skin forced tears down my cheeks.
32
Clinton
Worry.
The first word that came to mind as Rae’s gaze danced over my face was worry. She analyzed my bruises. I saw her hand come up before she hesitated. Tears streaked her cheeks as I stood there, hovering over her. Watching her from my perch.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered.
I’d spent the better part of the afternoon away from the hotel. Trying to get a grip on things. Trying to find the information she needed. The information she didn’t know how to find herself. I understood what that felt like. I understood that kind of struggle. But it all faded away as I studied the worry in her eyes.
“I’m so sorry. Clint, my God. I--What can I do to--?”
My voice softened. “Rae.”
“I was such an idiot. I don’t know why I said those things. I was freaking out about school and completely drunk and I’ve never done any drugs bef--”
I took her hand and brought it to my cheek. She drew in a shuddering breath as her fingertips brushed against my bruises. With my hand wrapped around her wrist, I trailed her touch along my skin, wincing with every mark that hurt a little more than the last. I slid her hand down my neck. The warmth of her touch filled me with healing power. I felt myself growing stronger. Becoming happier. Finding the strength to move forward.
To press on.
“I know, and it’s all right.”
Rae shook her head. “No, it’s not. None of this is right. Clint, I just--”
I brought her fingertips to my lips. I kissed them softly, one by one, as tears dripped down the expanse of her neck. It seemed as if the entire world around us stopped. Muted itself, so we could focus on one another. Her lower lip quivered. I wanted to capture it with my own. My gaze danced between her beautiful eyes.
Eyes filled with such sadness and guilt.
“I’m so glad you’re okay,” she whispered.
I nodded. “I’ll always be okay as long as I have you.”
She drew in a slow breath. “So we’re still together?”
I snickered. “Did you break up with me and I not realize it?”
She shook her head quickly. “No. No, no, no, no. Not even a little bit.”
I shrugged. “Then, we’re still together, as far as I’m concerned.”
“Can we go somewhere and talk, please?”
“You mean you don’t want to keep standing here with everyone watching us?”
She giggled through her tears. “You are insane, you know that?”
“And you’re finally smiling. Hello there, Rae.”
She sniffled. “Hi, Clint.”
I pressed her hand back against my cheek before releasing her. I slid my knuckles against her skin, wiping the tears away. I felt them sliding against my own skin. I brushed them away, wanting nothing more than to capture her lips with my own.
But I didn’t feel it was the right time yet.
“I needed some time to think things through.”
Rae nodded. “I know. I’m sorry I couldn't leave you alone.”
I snickered. “You don’t ever have to apologize for that. I would’ve been more concerned had you not contacted me at all.”
“Hear that, Michael?”
Water splashed Rae and she squealed. The sound made me smile from ear to ear.
“I did take some time to think, though. And… I understand where you’re coming from.”
Rae’s eyes whipped back to mine. “What?”
My hand fell to my side. “If you need a fresh start here at Cal State, then that’s what you need. It’s what you should do.”
“Clint, wait--”
“This is your future, Rae. This is your life. And you deserve to paint it how you see fit.”
“Clint, no, no, no, jus--”
“It’s okay. Look, you don’t need to constantly try to accommodate me into your plans. I can figure out my own way.”
“Clint, list--”
I sighed. “Really, Rae. I promise. I’ll be okay. This is your life. And if the timing isn’t right for us, then maybe it will be in the future. You know, when your college years are behind you.”
“Wait, what?”
I nodded. “We’ve got all the time in the world. And if our time doesn’t ever come back around? Then it doesn’t.”
She searched my eyes as I waited with baited breath for her to say something. Anything to give me relief, or confirm my notions, or tell me to fuck off. I had researched this speech all the way back. I walked from the library back to the hotel in the glaring sun just to give myself time to get this right. For once.
“I promise you, it’s going to be okay,” I whispered.
Rae’s eyes dried up. Her tears evaporated in the sun. She didn’t move, though. She seemed rooted to her place. I didn’t know if she was shocked, or relieved, or angry, or hurt. She didn’t give me anything to go on, and I started worrying.
So I proceeded forward.
I slipped my hand into my pocket and pulled out a sheet of paper. I unraveled it, scanning the notes I’d made in the library. I grinned at the recent memory. How hard I’d tried tracking down a simple piece of paper and a pen before the librarian told me I could type up a Word document and print it out. At no cost to me. I felt like an idiot. Then again, I’d never been partial to typing things up. I preferred writing them down. It helped me to remember things.
But that meant Rae wouldn’t have to sift through my chicken scratch to read my notes.
“Look, I don’t know why I ended up at campus today. But that’s where my feet took me. So I took advantage of it.”
I handed her the piece of paper and she took it.
“What’s this?”
I grinned. “Notes I took for you.”
She looked back up at me. “What kind of notes?”
I snickered. “The kind that might help you going forward with your degree.”
“I’m not following.”
I chuckled softly. “Once I got to campus, I found my way into the library. I started looking things up. Trying to figure out how I could help you. How I could help, maybe, sift through some of this confusion you’re feeling. Or experiencing deep down. I looked up all sorts of things. There’s some description on the graphic design classes they have here. Concentrations in their English department.”
Her eyes fell to the piece of paper as I continued rambling.
“I even looked up some things you could do between now and next semester. You know, if you decided to postpone for a semester to try and work things out.”
She cleared her throat. “I can do that?”
I nodded. “Yep. C.S.U. has a policy that allows all enrolled students to postpone their schooling for a semester before they either have to drop or declare a transfer to a different school. I listed some jobs around here that would work well with your grocery store experience. A few places hiring part time. I also lo
oked up some rental places you could take a look at. You know, so you can root yourself here and not have to go back home to deal with your mother if you don’t want to.”
She swallowed hard. “You looked all this up for me?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I mean, it’s what I did when my father threw my life for a loop last year. I spent as much time as I could looking up all sorts of avenues for my life. I figured you could use the same information. Plus, there’s lot of other things you can do that I can’t. Like, working in a call center. Or online English tutoring services. There are some freelancing websites you should check out. It’s really cool.”
“Clint,” she whispered.
“Oh! And no overhead cost. Just the website taking a small percentage of the money you’re paid for jobs. All you’d need is a place to live and an internet connection.”
“Clint, I--”
“I mean, if you really made something of it, you could travel. I know you like traveling. Anywhere with an internet connection would work. I read a few stories online where people did this full time. They didn’t even go to school. Just did this freelancing work, and then did what they wanted on the side. You could do this, and then sell your drawings for--”
“Clint.”
I blinked. “Yeah?”
Rae sighed. “This is--this is generous.”
I shrugged. “It’s what you need. Options. I needed options, at least. And I figured they might help. I mean, you’ve got everything from what you can accomplish here at C.S.U. all the way to working and traveling at the same time. If you travel to the right places, too, you could make that look really good on an application form for some hoity-toity job along down the line.”
She giggled. “Hoity toity?”
I grinned. “Or something like that.”
“Clint… this is--”
I pressed my finger against her lips. “Your choice to make. Not mine.”
“Will you just listen for a second?”
“In my defense, you’ve done a lot of talking lately. Let me finish. Please?”
She nodded slowly. “You’re right. Okay.”
I sighed. “I’m not going to push you in any direction. You take the time you need to think about this. Pour over those notes. Think about what really would make you happy. I mean, just you. Not me, or Mike, or Ally, or your mom. Just you. If you fell asleep tomorrow and woke up with any of those options in play, which one would you want it to be? Once you know that, you know what your next step is.”
“You’re too good to me, Clint.”
“At one point in time, Rae, you were too good to me. I left you over less, because I thought I was protecting you from something. You helped me get through high school. I graduated because of you. I know it upsets you that I’m not going to college, but--”
She shook her head. “It doesn’t upset me.”
“Well, however it makes you feel, I know you’re not very happy with it. Which is okay. You guys put in a lot of work to help me graduate. And I won’t let you down because of that.”
“Clint, you don’t owe us any--”
“Will you just listen, Rae?”
She licked her lips. “You’re talking from a good place, but you’re missing some information you really need to know.”
“Can I finish anyway?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
I cupped her cheek. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You saved my life. You saved me from myself. In a lot of ways, Cecilia and I got away from my father because of you. Because you kept pushing. Because you kept coming back. Because you kept talking, even when I wanted you to stop.”
She smirked. “It’s what I do best.”
I chuckled. “I know, trust me.”
“Hey, now. Them’s fightin’ words.”
I stroked her cheek with my thumb. “I need you to know that whatever you decide you want with your life--or need with your life--I support you. Not because I feel I have to, but because I want to. I love you, Rae. And watching you flounder like this kills me. If anyone deserves a clear path to happiness, it’s you. I hope the information on that page helps.”
She nuzzled against my skin. “I’m sure it will, Clint.”
I brought her in for a hug. “Come here, beautiful.”
She sighed against me as her arms slipped around my waist. I buried my nose in her hair, sniffing deeply. Committing her scent to memory. I felt a weight lifting itself off my shoulders. I felt lighter on my feet as I stood there, swaying us side to side. I didn’t care that I was sweating down my back. I didn’t care that my feet hurt. All I cared about was soaking in this time with Rae before she made a decision.
Then she pulled away.
“I might not know what I want for my future, but I know what I want right now.”
I nodded. “Name it.”
She took my hand. “I want you to come up to the room with me.”
And as she tugged me toward the gate, I saw heat ignite behind her eyes.
A heat I had missed seeing in her stare.
33
Raelynn
I closed the hotel room door behind me and locked it. I turned around, facing Clint as he gazed out the balcony window. I watched him slowly turn around, lumbering around on his feet. He kicked his shoes off as his gaze met mine, and I felt my heart skip a beat.
He was putting on a damn good show of being fine with all this. But I saw the pain in his eyes. The limp in his step. His body hurt. His heart ached. And I hated being the one responsible for it.
I felt no better than his father.
“Clint, I don’t want us to be over.”
He sighed. “Me neither. But--”
I nodded. “But… you’re right. I do have to look at everything from all angles.”
“Yes. You really do. You deserve that. You know, for yourself.”
“I need you to understand--”
“Rae, that isn’t necess--”
“You had your chance to talk, and now it’s mine.”
He snickered. “This how we’re going to be talking to one another from now on.”
I grinned. “If that’s what it takes for you to hear me out.”
He nodded. “All right. Hit me with it.”
“What you’ve given me is more generous than anything I figured you’d come back with. I thought maybe you’d pick up the phone and tell me it was over. Or come back and get your things before going home.”
“I’m not going to lie, I debated it.”
“I’m sure you did. And you had every right to. I want you to know that I’m thankful you chose to stay.”
“Actually, I’m not sure if I’m staying still.”
I blinked. “What?”
He sighed. “It’s obvious you don’t want me here.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is. Even if you don’t want to admit it, it’s--”
“It’s not true!”
“Rae, take a breath. I’m not accusing you of anything, nor am I upset.”
I drew in a deep breath. “I’m still upset. And despite what Michael and Allison have to say, I have a right to be upset.”
He nodded. “Yes, you do. Wait, what have they told you?”
I shook my head. “Let’s just say they’ve really let me know how much of a shithead I should still feel like.”
“What did they say to you?”
He took a step toward me as my back fell against the door.
“Don’t be mad at them. Please. There’s been enough anger.”
He approached me. “I’m not upset with them. But if they hurt you--”
“They didn’t hurt me. Just told me some hard truths I needed to hear.”
His body heat pulsed against me. “Like what?”
I swallowed hard. “Like… stuff. And, uh, things.”
“You might have to be a bit more specific about that.”
“Then you’re going to need to back up.”
“Do you want me to?�
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My gaze slid up his body. As my palms pressed into the door, I felt my heart come alive. That black pit in my chest quickly filled with something akin to fire and my spine sizzled with a need for him. A need for this boy standing in front of me.
No, not boy.
Man.
“Rae?”
I swallowed hard. “Yeah?”
“What do you want?”
“You,” I whispered.
I stood on my tiptoes and captured his lips. Even if he pulled away from me, I wanted to taste him one last time. Commit it all to memory so I could conjure it no matter where life led me. I didn’t know where we stood. I didn’t know what would become of us. But I did know one thing.
I’d never stop loving this man in front of me.
He didn’t pull away, so I took that as a good sign. My tongue softly fell against his lips as my hand cupped his cheek. It slid through his hair, feeling those soft tendrils for the first time in what seemed like years. Though I knew that wasn’t really the case. I cupped the back of his head, holding his lips to mine.
And when a growl worked its way up his throat, my body sizzled for more.
His hands fell against the door. His body pressed against my own. His heat robbed me of my breath and I felt my knees trembling. I wanted his affection. I needed his touch. My mind spun out of control as his lips finally parted for me. I moaned down the back of his throat. He let me explore his mouth, not fighting me in the slightest. His touch set my skin on fire, and for the first time since getting to this fucking hotel I felt at peace.
With life.
With love.
With work.
With school.
With the future.
With… everything.
“Clint,” I moaned.
His arms cloaked my back. He picked me up and pulled me away from the door. He tossed me onto the bed, his eyes watching me as I bounced. I reached out for him and he collapsed into my arms. His lips pressed against mine and the world tilted on its axis. I opened myself up for him. Gave myself over to him as he stripped me of my clothes and they fell to the floor in piles.