A to Z

by Marie Sexton

  He reached over and grabbed me, put his arms around me, and tried to pull me against him. I was trying to push away from him, when the worst possible scenario came true. The door opened. Jared walked in, with Angelo right behind them. They were both laughing at something until their gaze landed on Tom. And then all hell broke loose.

  Angelo’s face went from laughter to rage in a fraction of a heartbeat, and he launched himself at Tom. Tom actually let go of me and stepped behind me, like I might protect him. Luckily Jared was in front of Angelo. He saw what was about to happen and grabbed him. Still, it was immediately obvious that he wouldn’t be able to hold him. Before I could get across the room to them, Matt walked in the door, and I’m sure to him it looked like Angelo and Jared had suddenly and inexplicably broken into a fistfight.

  Matt grabbed Angelo from behind, wrapping his big arms around him so that Angelo’s arms were pinned to his side. And if I thought Angelo had been wild before, it was nothing compared to the rage that gripped him then. He was screaming at Matt. “Let go of me right now, Matt! I’m gonna kill that motherfucker! He can’t come into my house!” Matt obviously had underestimated how strong Angelo really was, because Angelo broke partway out of his grip. Jared was still trying to help Matt hold him, and for a minute it seemed like all I could see was fists and elbows and hair. Matt finally managed to get Angelo wrapped up in some kind of neck lock, and he turned and pinned Angelo with his face against the wall. Matt’s lip was bleeding. Jared was next to them, bent over, one hand on his knees and the other on his groin, gasping for air. Every single guy in the world knows what that means and winces in sympathy when he sees it.

  “Angelo, goddamn it, knock it off!” Matt growled.

  Angelo wasn’t fighting anymore, but I could tell that every muscle in his body was tense. He was still poised to break free as soon as Matt loosened his grip. “Let go, Matt. I’m gonna kick his fuckin’ ass for darin’ to walk in my house.”

  Matt sighed in exasperation and said in a low voice, “Think, Angelo! I’m a cop. If you assault him, I have to arrest you, take you in, and sit there filling out paperwork while he presses charges against you. You’re my friend, Ang. Please don’t put me in that position.”

  Angelo thought about it for a second, and then I saw some of the tension go out of him. He said quietly, “Let me go.”

  “Are you going to be cool?”

  “Yeah, man. Just let me go.”

  As soon as Matt’s grip loosened, Angelo broke free. He turned and shoved Matt away from him hard enough that Matt stumbled backward a step. Then he stalked into the spare bedroom, slamming the door behind him. A second later we all heard the unmistakable sound of something shattering against a wall.

  Good thing I didn’t spend much on that lamp.

  …Angelo

  CAN’T even say how much I wanted to kill that asshole, seein’ him standin’ there. Felt like Coda was our sanctuary. Nothin’ bad could touch us here. Then I walk in the door and see Tom. In my house.

  Touchin’ Zach.

  Always heard that expression, seein’ red. Never knew what it meant ’til today. Don’t actually remember much before Matt got me against the wall. Just rage. Didn’t really want to hide in the spare bedroom, either, but knew I couldn’t stay out there. With him. So I hid after all. Broke Zach’s lamp too. Hope he’s not mad.

  Can’t believe Tom came all this way for Zach. ’Cause I know that’s why he’s here—to try and get him back. Never cared ’bout him outside of gettin’ laid, yet now he’s come all the way here to see him. Wastin’ his time. I trust Zach. I know he wouldn’t ever be with Tom again, even if it weren’t for me. But Tom can’t be here. This is our house. Ours. Mine and Zach’s.

  Except….

  Except that….

  It’s not.

  And that thought hits me so hard, I have to sit down. Actually get tears in my eyes.

  It’s not my house.

  So fuckin’ stupid how much it hurts when I realize that. It’s Zach’s house. And if Zach wanted Tom here, wasn’t really much I could say ’bout it. ’Course I know Zach don’t want him here any more than I do. Not the point. Point is, Zach’s been tryin’ so hard to get me to think of this as my home. And the whole time, I been lettin’ that stupid bird in my chest rule my life. Been hurtin’ the one person in the whole world I never want to hurt, just ’cause I’m scared. I hate myself for it.

  Zach’s been so patient. Tryin’ to wait me out. Tryin’ to tempt me inside. Like I’m a stray cat that comes ’round, and he just keeps puttin’ out milk, hopin’ one of these nights I’ll decide to come in. Or maybe I really am a bird, like Zach always says. He’s tossin’ out breadcrumbs, leavin’ a trail up to his door. And I been too fuckin’ stupid to just walk through. Thought all this time it was some kind of trap. Guess it is. It has another name, too, though.

  Home.

  My whole life Zach’s the first person who really wanted me. I don’t mean sex. Plenty of people have wanted me for that. But Zach’s the first person who ever just wanted me around. Wanted me at the store, wanted to spend time with me after work, and wanted me to come to Coda with him. Now he wants to give me a real home. Never had one ’til now.

  That’s why I love him so much.

  All this time I been thinkin’ ’bout the kinds of love I see—

  Jared’s contented love, Matt’s amazed love, and Zach’s reverent love. I thought my love had to be one of those. I see now I have my own love. My love is belongin’. ’Cause before Zach I never had a place I belonged at all. Now I know. I belong with him.

  It’s as simple as that.

  Zach…

  EVERYTHING was quiet for just a second after Angelo left.

  Matt was wiping the blood off of his face with his T-shirt.

  “Jesus Christ,” he muttered, shaking his head. “Crazy little bastard.”

  I couldn’t tell if he was impressed or annoyed. He looked over at Jared, who was still bent over but was at least breathing normally again. “You okay?” Jared nodded but still didn’t try to stand up.

  Behind me Tom laughed derisively. We all looked over at him.

  He was looking at me. “Zach, come on now. I understand wanting to slum sometimes, but seriously, is that the best you could do?”

  Hatred welled up in me, and I saw it mirrored in the looks that Matt and Jared were giving him. “Get out!”

  “Come on, baby. This is ridiculous. Are you telling me you would rather play house with your little gangbanger than—”

  I didn’t wait to hear the rest of the sentence. I didn’t need to.

  “Yes! ”

  His smile actually faltered, started to disappear.

  “Yes, I would rather play house with Angelo than be your goddamn fuck buddy. There is nothing—absolutely nothing—that could change that. I don’t know how I ever stood to let you touch me. Now get the fuck out! ” I didn’t wait to see what his reaction would be. I had to see Angelo. I turned to Matt. “If he’s not gone in two minutes, arrest him.”

  Matt smiled at me. No matter how badly Angelo had behaved, I knew Matt loved him like a brother. “My pleasure.”

  I walked through the door into the spare bedroom, and immediately, Angelo was in my arms. He slammed into me so hard that I might have fallen over backward if the wall hadn’t been there to hold me up. His face was buried in my neck, and his arms were tight around me.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

  “Don’t apologize to me. I’m not mad about anything. You might want to apologize to Matt and Jared, though. Matt’s bleeding, and you kicked Jared in the nads.”

  He made a sound that might have been laughter or might have been a sob. Then, “Broke your lamp.”

  “I bought it at a yard sale. No big deal.”

  “Just made me so fuckin’ mad, seein’ him here.”

  I laughed. “Really? I never would have guessed.” But he didn’t laugh.

  “The stupid thing is, I kept thinkin’ how I
wanted to kill him for bein’ in my house. But then I realized….” His voice died out, and I felt him shaking, and I knew then that he was crying and not even trying to hide it from me. “It’s not my house, is it, Zach? I’m so fuckin’ stupid, because I felt like it was. I thought it was. But it’s not my house at all. It’s your house.”

  Nothing could have surprised me more than that. It hadn’t even occurred to me. I felt like Angelo had plenty of reason to be pissed about Tom being there, regardless of whose house it was, technically.

  Then, in just a whisper, he said, “Feels like home to me.”

  All I could do was hold him tighter. “It can be, Ang, whenever you want it to be.”

  He was still hanging on to me. I knew it felt safer for him, right now, to not have to face me, so I just held him and waited.

  And then, finally, “I want it to be.” He wasn’t crying anymore.

  His voice was quiet but firm and confident.

  I resisted the urge to shout with joy. I told myself not to get my hopes up. It felt a little bit wrong to let him make this decision right now. “Are you sure? Nothing in the world would make me happier, but I don’t want you to do anything you’re not ready for.”

  He took a deep breath and said, “I’m ready. I think I belong here, Zach. I belong with you.”

  He moved in a few days later. This time, he even let me help him move, instead of Matt. He took the second bedroom as his own, and I knew without asking that I was not allowed in. I didn’t mind.

  Several nights a week, he even chose to go to sleep there, rather than with me. But somehow, by morning, he always found his way to my bed. I couldn’t have been happier.

  I could tell, though, that something was bothering him. I asked a few times, and he always shrugged me off. I knew better than to push him. It didn’t seem to be about me, and so I waited for him to be ready to tell me.

  I didn’t have to wait long. It all became clear the day I came home from work to find him sitting on the couch, waiting for me. He looked scared to death, but he didn’t hesitate. He looked right at me and said, “I need my mom’s number.”

  …Angelo

  EVEN after talkin’ to Matt, it took me a few weeks to make the decision. But I finally decide to do it, and as soon as Zach gets home from work, I ask him for the number. His jaw ’bout hits the floor. I know he thinks it’s outta the blue. Probably seems that way to him.

  But not to me. Feel like I haven’t stopped thinkin’ ’bout it since that day she knocked on my door back in Denver.

  I wasn’t ready back then. It was all so sudden. Caught me completely off guard. And somehow I thought talkin’ to her had to mean I forgave her too. That bothered me. Right or wrong, I’m not ready to forgive her just yet.

  I realize, though, after talkin’ to Matt, it’s not like that at all.

  Just ’cause I call, doesn’t mean I let it all go. It only means that maybe someday I will.

  Zach goes to his desk and pulls out the envelope. “Are you going to call her?” he asks as he hands it to me.

  “Why the hell else would I ask for it?” I snap. Know he doesn’t deserve it, but the whole thing has me tied in knots. He understands, though. ’Course he does. He just looks at me, searchin’, like he might be able to understand what’s goin’ through my head if he looks hard enough. Want to tell him not to waste his time. I don’t even understand it, and it’s my head. No way anyone could expect him to sort it out.

  “Do you want me to stay?” he asks. I’m glad, too, ’cause I was worried he’d be upset when I asked him to leave.

  “No. Need to be alone.”

  “Anything you want, angel.” He kisses me on the forehead.

  “I’ll go to the store. We’re out of coffee anyway.”

  He leaves, and I sit there for a long time, just starin’ at that stupid fuckin’ number in my hand. Just the thought of callin’ makes me a mess. Have to sit with my head down, between my knees, and concentrate on breathin’ for a long time.

  Finally get myself together enough to pick up the phone. Can’t believe how fuckin’ nervous I am dialin’ the number. Twice I get halfway through and hang up. The third time it starts to ring and I’m ’bout to hang up again when she answers.

  “Hello?”

  I was so worried ’bout just makin’ the call, never really thought out what I was gonna say once she answered. I almost say,

  “Mom?” Almost. But turns out I can’t make that word come out of my mouth, any more than I can tell Zach I love him. Can’t call her by her name, either. For a second I just sit there, sayin’ nothin’ at all.

  “Hello?” she says again.

  A heartbeat, and then I manage to say, “It’s Angelo.”

  Now it’s her turn to not know what to say. I hear her gasp in surprise and then “Angelo? Is it really you?”

  Seems like a stupid question. Don’t know who the fuck else would call, claimin’ to be me, but I say, “Yeah, it’s really me.”

  “Oh, Angelo,” she says, and then she bursts into tears. She just cries for a few seconds, and I wait. But then she takes a couple of deep breaths and says, “I’m so glad you called! I want you to know that I’m sorry about that day at your apartment. That wasn’t the way

  I wanted it to go.”

  “Didn’t figure it was.”

  “I’ve been thinking about you.”

  “Don’t know why now, after all these years.”

  “Angelo, I never stopped thinking about you. I understand if you don’t believe me, but I swear that it’s the truth. I’ve thought about you every single day of my life since I left you.” There’s another pause, like she has to get her nerve up, but then she goes on.

  Her voice is real quiet now. “You don’t have children, so you don’t know what it’s like when they’re little, and they call for you in the night. After I left, I would wake up thinking I heard you call for me.

  It went on for years. Not every night but often enough. And then one night it happened, I thought I heard you call, and I realized—” she has to stop for a second. She’s cryin’ hard now, and I’m tryin’ not to break down and do the same thing. “I realized it had been six years.

  You were twelve years old, and you probably hadn’t bothered calling for me for a very long time.”

  I’m startin’ to lose it, and I swore to myself I wasn’t gonna let this happen. “Stop! ”

  “Angelo, I could try to explain why I left—”

  “Don’t!”

  “I know it was wrong—”

  “Will you shut up, already?” She gasps a little, like I’ve slapped her. I have to wipe my eyes and take a deep breath to calm down, then I say, gentler this time, “Don’t wanna talk ’bout any of that.” Because what’s the point, really? Don’t see any reason for diggin’ up a buncha shit that’s twenty years old.

  “Okay.” She sounds confused by that but a little bit relieved too. Guess I can’t blame her. “What would you like to talk about?”

  This is the one part I thought about ahead of time. I know exactly what to say. “Me and Zach.” ’Cause we might as well hang up now if we can’t get past this.

  “Okay.” Her voice is hesitant. That one word is almost a question.

  “I’m not leavin’ him.”

  “I would never ask you to, Angelo. But—”

  “Stop,” I say, interruptin’ her. “Let me finish.”

  It takes her a second, but then she says, “I’m listening.”

  “I’m queer, and I can’t change what I am. Just the way it is.

  You want a chance to get to know me, that’s the first thing you gotta deal with. Second thing is, I’m with Zach. And I don’t plan on changin’ that either. Not ever. And I’m not listenin’ to any lectures ’bout God, or ’bout how it’s a sin, or nothin’ like that. So you gotta decide right now, and you better be sure. ’Cause I’m never talkin’ to you ’bout this again. Whether it’s now or a year from now, the minute you start tryin’ to tell me it’s wr
ong, I’m hangin’ up the phone for good.”

  She’s quiet a long time. So long, I start to think maybe she hung up, and I missed the click. But then she says, “Can I ask one question first?”

  That surprises me, but I say, “Guess so.”

  “Are you happy?”

  That surprises me even more. Not sure what I was expectin’, but not that. It’s not hard for me to answer, though. “Happier now than I’ve ever been.”

  “That’s all I really want, Angelo—for you to be happy. I was shocked, at first, and a little upset. But if you’re truly happy—”

  “I am.”

  “—then I can accept it.”

  I almost don’t believe it. Truth is, I didn’t expect her to agree so fast. “Are you sure?”

  But she says without hesitation, “I’m sure.”

  Two tiny words, but the weight that lifts off my shoulders when she says ’em is enormous.

  “You and Zach live in Coda now?” she asks, and I can tell she’s tryin’ real hard to make things feel normal between us.

  Whatever “normal” is for a mother and son who don’t know each other one bit.

  “Yeah.”

  “Do you like it there?”

  “Love it,” and I’m almost surprised to realize how much I mean it. “Have some good friends here. Matt and Jared. Jared’s family’s here too. Feels kinda like I have a family now too. First time ever.” I hear her breath hitch, and I stop short, realizin’ what I said. “Didn’t mean it to sound like that.”

  “It’s okay,” she says gently. “I’m happy for you, Angelo.”

  It goes quiet for a while after that. Guess neither of us knows what to say. Finally she takes a deep breath, like she’s gotta get up her nerve again and says, “Angelo, I have time off for Christmas.

  Would it be okay if I came up to see you?”

  “No!” I say, harsher than I meant to. I hear her make a little hiccup sound, like she’s cryin’ again, and I say softer, “Not this year. I’m not sayin’ never. But not yet.”