Even though it’s the only one you’ve ever known…?
Yes…
“We need to get out of here, Liv. Soon.”
She looks at me, and I know she’s scared to come near me because she’s thinking, like me, that this could be a set-up, so we’re playing it safe.
“Soon?” She questions, wrapping her arms tighter around herself, and I ache to hold her. Kiss her. Fuck all this shit away, and we will. We will, we’ll leave this crappy life behind and we’ll start again, somewhere. “Lucca, we don’t even know what’s going on here.”
“Doesn’t matter. The less we know the better, as far as I’m concerned. We just need to get out, I think it’s time.”
She sits down in Javier’s chair underneath the tree, it’s dark now but there are dozens of tiny twinkling lights strung up in the branches that illuminate this once-shrine-like space. I don’t think she sees it like that anymore.
“I’m supposed to be organizing a vow renewal…” She trails off, and she looks at me again, and it breaks my fucking heart. “There’ve been times when I wished, with all of my heart, that I could start to feel something for him again,” she whispers, dropping her gaze to her hands clasped together in her lap. “I wanted to love him, like I used to, I wanted the numbness to disappear and for everything to go back to the way it was, because it was safer. For all of us.”
But even as she’s saying the words I can tell, like me, that she knows there’s no such thing as safe in our world.
“But it wouldn’t go. The numbness. It hasn’t gone. And I still love him, Lucca.” Her eyes meet mine, and again it’s a look that shatters my already fragile heart. “I still love him, but it doesn’t even come close to how I felt about him before. Because I can’t get past you.”
I rest a hip against the sturdy wooden table behind me, crossing my arms, and I watch her as her focus shifts to the ocean and the palm trees swaying gently against the darkened sky. And then she bows her head, gets up; comes over to me. She cups my face in her hands and she kisses me, a deep, soulful kiss and I wrap an arm around her, pulling her against me. Given that this could well be a trap, it’s reckless, what we’re doing, but fuck it. Fuck all of it, we’re getting out of this shitty life.
“I love you, Lucca,” she whispers, her mouth resting against mine as she speaks. “I love you, so much.”
“I love you, too, mi reina.”
She smiles a wider, more hopeful smile, and I can’t help smiling back. She’s beautiful and broken and all I want to do is put her back together.
“I’ll fix this, Liv…”
She presses her fingers to my lips and shakes her head. “We’ll fix this. Okay? Both of us. Together.”
“I just want to get away. For so long this has been my world, for as long as I can remember it’s all I’ve known. But now – now I want to know something else.”
She smiles again, her fingertips gently stroking my cheek. “This is a whole new Lucca I’m seeing here. It’s not like you to just cut and run.”
I sigh, because we both know we can’t do that. We can’t just pack a bag and get out of here before Javier gets back, although, I can’t say the thought didn’t cross my mind. Up until a few minutes ago I was seriously considering that option. But he’d find us. It isn’t safe, and I want us to be safe. I want a life with this woman, so we need to be careful. We need to be so fucking careful.
“You were actually considering that, weren’t you?” she laughs, stepping out of my arms and backing up against the tree.
“For a moment.”
We look at each other, and we smile, and I allow a tiny sliver of hope to pierce the ensuing dark thoughts. “Together, Lucca. We’ll fix this.”
She’s right.
We will.
Together.
And it really does need to be sooner, rather than later…
Nineteen
Olivia
Javier didn’t come home last night. He didn’t call, didn’t leave any messages and when Lucca tried to make contact his phone went straight to voicemail. Am I worried? Maybe I should be, he told – instructed me – to wait up for him. And I did, for a while, before tiredness got the better of me. But in reality I was relieved. I actually slept well, for the first time in a long time, considering everything that’s going on. And when I woke this morning my head was clearer than it has been in a long time. I have to keep control of all of this, and that’s hard, when you don’t know who to trust anymore, but I have to stay strong. I have to play along until the time is right for Lucca and I to make our move, and that’s the only thing that’s pushing me forward now, the thought of a new future with a man I didn’t even like all that much, in the beginning, but now – now I’m in love with him. And that’s the only certain thing in my life right now, my feelings for Lucca.
“We need to talk, Olivia.”
His voice startles me, and I jump up out of my chair and spin around to look at him. My “dead” husband. “Where were you last night?” I might not care where he was but a good wife would at least have the decency to ask. To feign concern. Appear worried.
“Sit down. Please.”
I slowly sit back down, and he takes the chair opposite me, at the table set for breakfast underneath the bougainvillea-covered pergola.
“Javier, where were you last night?”
He drops his head, his hands clasped together on the table. And when he looks at me I don’t know what to think. I can’t read him, his expression is almost impassive.
“It’s not what you think.”
I narrow my eyes slightly. “What do I think?”
“That I was with another woman?”
The thought hadn’t actually crossed my mind, I hadn’t even considered it because, in reality, if he had been with another woman, I wouldn’t have cared. I wouldn’t.
Is this what it’s come to? You actually want someone to take him from you?
It would be a blessed relief. Yes.
If he’d admitted to cheating on me, it would’ve given me a reason to back away. An excuse to feign hurt. I don’t have either of those.
“You weren’t, with another woman?”
He shakes his head. “No. I was in a meeting. With Fidel Pino.”
I sit forward, because I can’t believe I’m hearing this. “What kind of meeting?”
He briefly drops his gaze, but I don’t take my eyes off him. “We’ve decided to call a truce.”
I sit back again, turning my head away from him. “You decided this alone? Without talking to me? Without talking to Lucca?”
“It has nothing to do with Lucca. And you don’t get to make decisions like this one, Olivia.”
His voice has an edge to it now, but I don’t give a shit anymore. I really don’t. “Decisions like, what? Hmm? The kind I had to make because you weren’t here? I thought we were running this cartel together now, Javier.”
“That was never really going to happen.”
It takes a second for his words to sink in; for me to realize that, all of a sudden, things are changing, all over again, and my stomach sinks to the floor.
“Fidel understands why Tony and Emilio had to go. His nephews, they were becoming erratic. Careless. Sloppy. They were as much a danger to their own family as they were to ours, so their removal from the picture, he considers that a favor.”
“A favor?” I laugh, even though there’s nothing remotely funny about any of this.
“This war between our families, it’s no longer necessary.”
“Just like that?”
“With respect, Olivia, I know more about the situation between the Delgado and the Pino families than you do, it’s been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. And Fidel and I…” He sighs quietly, and drops his head again, shaking it slowly before his eyes are once more on mine. “It makes no sense, to keep on fighting the way we have been. All we’ve been doing is destroying things, for all of us.”
“We’ve taken over half their contacts from them already, Javier. What happened to making the Delgado cartel the most powerful business out there?”
“We’ll still be powerful, but with the Pino family on board too, can you not see how truly in control we will be?”
“Hang on, are you talking about merging the two cartels?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. And that’s exactly what is going to happen. Fidel came to me, Olivia, and for him to do that – that is unheard of. For him to come to me, and almost beg for my help, that took guts. His family, they’re decimated now, what we planned to do to them, it was working…”
“So why stop? Fidel came to you, so what? Let his family go under, I thought that was the whole point of everything we’ve worked toward? I thought that was the reason you had to disappear for two fucking years!”
“It was, of course it was, but after he came to me – after I thought about it, and what it would mean for us, to have their men on board joining forces with ours, Olivia, our business would be more powerful than anything we could’ve imagined. And to all intents and purposes this is the end of the Pino cartel. They’d be joining us, becoming part of our business, the Pino name, it’s dead.”
I take another moment to let everything he’s saying sink in. It still doesn’t make complete sense to me, but if this is what Javier wants, he’s right. I don’t get a choice in the matter. Not anymore. And then I remember what he said just a few minutes ago, when I’d questioned him about running the cartel together…
That was never really going to happen…
“When are you planning on telling everyone else about this merger?” I’m trying to keep the anger out of my voice because facing off against my husband right now is not the best idea.
“Fidel is talking to his people as we speak, as I am talking to you.”
“And what about Lucca?”
“I’ll talk to him later. And then I need to call a meeting with the bikers, we’ll organize that for this afternoon, at the casino. Can you ring Merv and make sure the back room is ready for us?”
What the fuck am I now? His secretary?
“And you and I, Olivia, we have much to organize, too.”
He’s going to start talking about vow renewals and babies again and I feel my stomach contract in a wave of nausea. I’m really not in the mood for this, not right now.
Not ever…
“We need to decide what we’ll be taking with us, when we move.”
“Move? Move where?”
I feel my heart shudder, and my stomach drops further as Javier’s mouth lifts slightly in a sideways smirk. “Mexico.”
The wave of nausea returns, swamping me, my throat tightening. “Mexico?”
“Yes. I want to run things that side of the border, and it means I can work more closely with Fidel. He’s very set in his ways now, he refuses any kind of permanent move to the US.”
“So, you’re letting him dictate where we live?”
His dark eyes bore into mine. “It’s my decision to move, Olivia, nobody else’s. And we need a new start. A brand new beginning, this is our perfect chance to have that.”
“I know, but…”
“There are no ‘buts’.” He stands up, in his eyes it’s over, he’s done with this conversation now, but I’m reeling. I’m trying to process too much information thrown at me in such a short space of time, and it’s overwhelming. “You need to start thinking about what you want to bring with you to Mexico. The house is already being prepared for our arrival.”
He doesn’t even give me a chance to ask how long I have before the move, he just strides back into the house, leaving me bewildered. And fucking angry, was I really so blinded by my love for this man that I couldn’t see who he really was? What happened to the kind, caring man I’d spent so many happy years with…?
Did he ever really exist?
I don’t know.
I dig out my phone, because every inch of me is screaming to call Lucca. But I know I can’t do that. Javier has probably already found him, to tell him everything he’s just told me?
We should’ve moved faster, but we had no plan, no get out clause, we had nothing but a crazy dream and heads full of impossible fantasies that now may never come true.
Fight for the life you want, Olivia, come on!
Is there any point?
Fight!
With every breath left in my fucking body…
Lucca
We pull up outside the casino, and I get out of the car and open Javier’s door. Slamming it shut behind him we head inside, greet Merv, order some drinks, and sit down at a quiet corner booth in the bar area.
Javier sits back, his hands clasped together on the table, his eyes fixed on mine, and I’m getting the feeling this talk he wants to have with me, it’s serious. Which makes me nervous, for so many reasons.
“I asked you here, Lucca, because I have something very important to discuss with you.”
I try to keep my expression stoic, to not let him see those uncharacteristic nerves I’m suddenly feeling, that wouldn’t be a good idea. To expose any weakness in front of this man would be dangerous.
“Olivia and I, we’ll be leaving for Mexico soon.”
“Mexico? Why? Is something going on over there…?”
“We’re moving there.”
“Moving there…?”
His words slam into me so hard I’m almost fighting for breath, and when I look at him he’s smirking.
“Things are changing, Lucca. Plans are being revised, and everything is going to feel a little different from now on.”
As he tells me about his meeting with Fidel Pino, about how the two families are now working together, I feel my head start to spin, what the fuck is going on here?
“I don’t… All those reasons why you had to fake your death, you’re just tossing them aside now?”
“Hardly, Lucca. Ultimately it was my actions that have led us to this early resolution between the Delgado and Pino families. And we weren’t the ones waving the white flag. We’re the ones holding the power. We achieved what we set out to do and now it’s time for a brand new start. Which is why Olivia and I will be moving to Mexico, I want to run things that side of the border.”
“And what about here?”
He doesn’t break the stare, the corners of his mouth turning up very slightly, but he doesn’t answer the question. And then our drinks arrive, and I pick up my coffee and take a small sip, the hot liquid sliding down my throat, settling in my belly, and I wish I had a whiskey to tip into it.
“I’m going to need someone in place very soon, this side of the border.”
He’s drawing this out, and I know this man, I know him too well, and there’s a reason why he’s being deliberately vague; in no rush to give me the details I want. Something about the direction this conversation is taking is making me nervous, and keeping those nerves at bay, it’s getting harder to do. I can feel my brows furrowing, and I’d rather that hadn’t happened, looking confused in front of Javier lets him believe you’ve lost control…
But you have, lost control…
I’m trying to claw it back.
“You are going to be running things here, Lucca.”
“Me?”
His eyes once more lock on mine, that slow smile back on his face as he sips his coffee as though he hasn’t dropped a multitude of bombs on me in a matter of minutes. “Yes, Lucca. You.” He takes another sip of coffee before carefully placing his cup back down on the table. “You know the business, you know the people…”
“What about Olivia?”
His expression hardens, his eyes darkening, and those nerves kicking up inside of me are threatening to spill over. “Olivia is of no concern to you anymore, Lucca. She will no longer be running this cartel in any capacity, soon she will have other things to take up her time. More important things.”
I swal
low down a wave of nausea, something just doesn’t feel right.
He knows…
But you always knew he’d find out, one day. Didn’t you…?
“You and Eddie will take control of things here, we need to keep the bikers on-side, they’re necessary. Now we’re also dealing in weapons we need the manpower, and their knowledge.”
He’s so matter-of-fact, like he’s just reeling off items on a list, while I’m struggling to take it all in.
“Does Olivia know all of this?”
“She knows we’re moving to Mexico. She knows about my meeting with Fidel, she doesn’t know about you remaining here, in San Diego.” He picks up his coffee cup and looks at me over the rim. “But I’m sure it won’t be long before she finds out.”
The atmosphere’s changing with each passing second, and my blood is starting to feel as cold as ice. And then he breaks the stare, sets his cup down and sits back, keeping his head bowed, but I can already see that slow smile starting to form again, he can barely keep the smirk off his face.
“She won’t be happy. Will she?” He raises his gaze, and his eyes, they’re so dark they’re almost black, a coldness behind them that’s deeply unsettling. “That you’re staying here. She won’t be happy about that at all.”
I know it’s coming, I always knew that the risk I took that night, it was going to come for me. And when he leans forward, those cold, dark eyes staring deep into mine, it feels like a meteorite is about to smash into my already fragile world.
“You touch her again, Lucca, and I will come for you. Do you understand me?”
He doesn’t even wait for my answer, he’s up and out of the booth before I can even take another breath. And all I can hear is the sound of that meteorite as it hurtles toward me…
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