by James, J. P.
13
Conor
The smile on my face just won’t seem to fade away. I’m still on cloud nine from the date Bryce and I went on this past weekend, not to mention extremely excited about the trip we’ll be taking to Connecticut next weekend. I’ve never been on an airplane before and I’m glad my first time will be with Bryce. People have told me that flying is pretty nerve wracking your first time, so I’m glad he’ll be there with me to keep me calm.
Our first “real date” went really well and I can’t wait to spend more time with Bryce outside of my house. Sure, my home is cozy, but both of us want to get out and wander a bit. Hold hands in public. Kiss with other people seeing. A weekend away in Connecticut is exactly what we need.
I try my best to hide my chipper mood because I’m at work and I don’t want anyone to suspect anything. After all, my husband just died recently, so it would seem a little odd if I walk around with a smile on my face all day. The kids aren’t here yet, so I find something to do to keep myself occupied before they arrive. I hang up the finger paintings my students did on Friday, whistling happily while dreaming of Bryce.
“You’re in a good mood today,” my co-worker Alina remarks, startling me. I had no idea she had even waltzed into my classroom.
“Alina, you scared me,” I say, trying to wipe the smile off my face.
“Sorry,” she says, studying me closely. She’s always been nosy and loves to probe people until she knows all about their business. I can tell she wants information out of me, but I don’t plan on giving her any. “So what has you so chipper on a Monday morning?”
“Just these finger paintings,” I lie, glancing at the artwork in my hands. I turn my back toward her and continue to hang the pictures, but I can still feel her eyes beaming through me in search of answers. Hopefully she doesn’t linger around my classroom too long. I’m sure she has some work she needs to take care of for her own students.
“How was your weekend?” Alina asks. I can tell she isn’t going away easily. She can sense that something is up with me and she’s not going to stop until she knows what.
“It was okay,” I say. “I didn’t do much, except stay home and clean. That’s about it.” In reality, I went on a marvelous date with my lover Bryce and then came we went back to my place and made love until the wee hours of the morning, both of us climaxing all night long. But I can’t exactly say that because it’d shock her socks off. “How about you?” I ask politely.
“Mine was okay, I went on a date with this new guy,” she says. Good, if I can get her to talk about herself maybe she’ll move off the subject of me.
“That’s great, tell me all about it,” I say, ready to let her ramble for as long as she’d like.
“Well,” Alina says taking a seat in one of the tiny chairs my students sit in. The petite woman is so small that she fits right in the child-size seat. “He took me to that steakhouse over on Biloxi Road and we had a really nice dinner together. We both ordered steak, but I didn’t finish mine and ended up throwing the rest away. After a couple of drinks we went back to my place and we, well you know,” she says with a smirk on her face.
“Sounds like you had a great time,” I say, trying my best to sound interested. I can hear her voice, but I’m not really listening. The only thing on my mind right now is Bryce and the fact that we’re head over heels in love. I’m happy Alina met someone, but her news pales in comparison to mine.
Uh oh, I think she can tell I wasn’t really listening. Her eyes are scanning me for information again. I go back to hanging up the finger paintings, hoping she doesn’t ask me anymore questions about my weekend. My co-worker’s quiet for a bit, silently watching my every move.
“Silly me,” she says, catching me off guard. “Here I am talking all about how much fun I had with my new man, when you’re still mourning the loss of yours.” She’s still fishing around for answers, trying to see what button she has to hit in order for me to open up.
“It’s fine,” I say dismissively, trying to bring the conversation to an end. But Alina’s only just begun. She gets up from the tiny chair and walks over to me. She swings an arm around my shoulder as if she’s consoling me. Her faux sympathy annoys me because I know she doesn’t really care whether or not I’m still mourning, she just wants information.
“You poor thing. You’re probably still broken up inside, aren’t you?” she asks.
“I’m getting through it Alina, thanks for asking,” I say, gritting my teeth.
“And not to mention the financial burden of the funeral. Oh honey, is there anything you need right now?” she says. She’s so phony and it makes me sick. The only reason she wants to know my business is so that she can run and tell it to everyone in town. She knows everything about everybody and loves to gossip.
“No, everything was taken care of. I’m fine, really,” I say politely, hoping she gets a clue.
“Well did you get Ryan’s death certificate yet?” she asks. God this woman has a lot of nerve. I don’t see how that’s any of her business. I’m trying my best to keep my cool, but my co-worker’s making it really hard for me right now.
“Yes Alina, all of that is squared away,” I say stiffly, still trying my damnedest to be polite. She’s pushing all of my buttons right now and she’s going to end up hitting one she doesn’t want to.
But the woman keeps babbling, and I do my best to tune her out. I wouldn’t necessarily call us friends, but we do hang out in the same circle and work at the same school. Maybe in her mind that counts as friends, but to me she’s an acquaintance. The only reason I invited her to my wedding was because just about everyone in town was invited. Our community is close knit, so I pretty much had to invite her, but this woman is far from my cup of tea. She’s extremely nosy and a bit of a lush. She was so drunk on my wedding day that a few mutual friends had to carry her out of the reception.
I’ve never told Alina anything personal about me and I’m damn sure not going to start today. If she knew about me and Bryce she’d have a field day with that information and everyone in town would know all the juicy details of our love affair by sundown. That’s why I can’t let her see me smiling. I have to hide my happiness from this nosy busy body.
Her eyes are still probing me for answers and I’m getting more and more annoyed. I wish she would give up already and head back to her own classroom to get ready for the school day. The students will be here in less than ten minutes, so she should be worried about what activities she plans on doing with her students today, instead of this faux concern about me.
“But it must be hard being alone now,” she whines, still pretending to care. “I mean, you and Ryan were together almost your whole lives. If it were me, I’d be devastated.”
I sigh ruefully. What should I say? It would’ve been difficult for me if I didn’t have Bryce because he senses when I’m low and always finds a way to make me smile. Without him, I don’t think I would’ve been able move on. Ryan’s death hit me hard, but each day it gets easier to deal with because of Bryce. I don’t know what I would do without him, but I can’t tell Alina that.
“I’m slowly working through it, just taking each day a step at a time,” I say. I glance at the analog clock hanging on the wall, wishing the minute hand would move faster, but it seems like it’s taking its sweet time.
“Well that’s good,” she says with a phony smile on her face. It finally feels like the conversation is over, but she’s still standing here because she hasn’t gotten the answers that she wants yet. “So … since you and Ryan got married right before he died you were entitled to his insurance policy, right?” she asks.
What in the world? Who asks questions like this?
“That’s really none of your business Alina,” I snap. I didn’t mean to lose my cool, but where does she get off asking me that?
“Wow, sorry Conor. I didn’t mean to upset you. You’re right, it wasn’t my place to ask,” she says. Her apology is just as fake as everything els
e she’s said so far. I hate that I lost my temper with her, but she was asking for it.
“It’s fine,” I say curtly. She doesn’t seem to sense how aggravated I am right now because she continues to linger in my classroom. I want to pick her tiny body up and carry out into the hallway before dumping it unceremoniously into a garbage can.
An awkward silence fills the room and finally, it’s enough to get her to leave. Alina turns toward the door and takes a few steps, but then stops in her tracks and turns back toward me. Dammit, she isn’t finished getting under my skin yet. What could she possibly have to say now?
She probably has more questions about Ryan because when he was alive, I swear she had a crush on him. When he came by the school occasionally, she would tell him how handsome he was and gently caress his chest as she laughed at his jokes, even if they weren’t funny. I think she was jealous of the fact that he loved me, made worse by the fact that we were gay men. She would always tell me I was so lucky to have a partner like Ryan. Of course, Ryan never thought anything of her, or any woman for that matter, but I always felt like Alina wanted to steal him away from me. Unlikely, seeing that we were gay, but some people just don’t get it no matter what.
“Who was that handsome guy from your wedding?” she inquires.
“Which one?” I ask.
“You know, the really hot one with the piercing blue eyes and jet black hair. He was tall and had a great set of teeth. I think he was from New York,” she says. I freeze in place and my heart starts racing. “His name was like Brett or something like that.”
“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” I lie. I know exactly who she’s talking about, but why is she bringing him up right now? The wedding was almost two months ago and Alina was supposedly so drunk that I’m surprised she even remembers that night.
“Bryce!” she says as if she just solved a mystery. “That’s his name. He said he was one of Ryan’s friends from high school.”
“Oh him,” I say nonchalantly. “Yeah he was more Ryan’s friend, so I don’t really know him well. My first time meeting him was on my wedding day.” That part is true, but I still don’t get why she’s bringing him up right now.
“Hmm,” Alina says. A knot starts to form in my stomach. Where is she going with this?
“Why do you ask?” I question, trying not to sound suspicious.
“No reason,” she says airily. Thank goodness, I was worried she knew about us. “It’s just kind of strange that he’s still hanging around here almost two months later, don’t you think?”
Shit! How does she know that? And does anyone else know? Oh no! What if someone saw Bryce sneaking in and out of my house and now everyone knows that Ryan’s widower is sleeping with his friend?
“He’s still here? I had no idea,” I say, trying to keep my cool, but my heart is pounding a mile a minute.
“Yeah, he’s staying at this really nice hotel on Main Street. I’ve seen him going in and out of it. He’s been there ever since the wedding. Any idea why?” she asks innocently. I feel like Alina knows, but she wants me to come out and say it.
“Nope, like I said I don’t really know the guy. We just met the one time,” I fib. I rummage through some papers on my desk, pretending to look for something. Anything to keep Alina from looking into my eyes. I was never a great liar and I can’t let her figure out that I’m not telling the truth.
“It’s just really odd, isn’t it? He works and lives in Manhattan, yet he’s been in Smithtown for a while now. I wonder why,” she says as if I have the answer.
“Beats me,” I say with pep. “I had no idea he was still here.” I’m freaking out on the inside because I feel like everyone knows about me and Bryce. We’ve been really careful, but maybe we slipped up once. The look on Alina’s face screams she knows something, but what?
“Are you sure you don’t have any idea why he’s still hanging around?” she probes again. Inside, I shake with fear. This girl could’ve been a detective if she wanted to. I feel like I’m being interrogated by the FBI and they have cold, hard evidence that they’re using as bait.
“Why would I? I’ve never spoken more than two words to the guy,” I fib again, still fumbling through papers.
“I don’t know, maybe he told Ryan-”
“Ryan’s dead,” I interrupt, finally looking up from the papers on my desk. Another awkward silence invades the room and it seems to be too much for Alina to bear.
“I’m sorry,” she says, actually sounding sincere this time. She glances up at the clock on the wall. “School’s going to start any minute now. I’m going to head back to my classroom.” She lowers her head as she walks out into the hallway.
Once the woman’s out of sight, I drop down in my seat. That was a close one, but I still don’t think I’m off the hook yet. If Alina’s noticed Bryce around town, that means other people have too. The knot in my stomach grows as I worry about what news could be floating around town about us. Smithtown is small, so word travels fast. There’s probably all kinds of rumors out there about me and Bryce.
I start to feel sick to my stomach and my head starts to spin. I don’t want everyone in our tiny hamlet judging me because I found love after losing my husband. It’s not like I committed a crime. What am I supposed to do, be alone for the rest of my life? But that might not be how others see it.
A large lump forms in my throat, making it hard to breathe. I need to see Bryce right now, but I’m at work and there’s no way he can stop by without alerting the rest of the staff. If he comes here to see me, it’ll only confirm Alina’s suspicions. I’ll have to get through this on my own.
I take a deep breath and then count to ten. No one else in town has shown any signs that they think something is going on between Bryce and me. In fact, Alina is the only person that’s asked me about him, so I might not have anything to worry about. Maybe she was just being her typical nosy self. I hope that’s all it is.
Tiny feet pitter patter down the hallway as children run inside their classrooms. I’ve got to get myself together. I can’t let my students or their parents see me like this. I take a look in the mirror on my desk and wipe my eyes. Quickly, I run a comb through my short hair and straighten my tie. I take one more deep breath and walk toward the door.
A flood of students rushes through the entryway, nearly knocking me over. I smile as they all latch on to me, all chanting Mr. Martin! Mr. Martin! I told them a month before the wedding that I was getting married and that my name would change, but then the accident happened and I never made the switch. Luckily they’re small enough to forget things like that, so they never question why my name stayed the same.
In a way, my kids have helped me get through Ryan’s death because when I see their little faces, I can’t help fantasizing about what my kids with Bryce might look like. Although we’re gay, it’s totally possible. We’ll have to find a donor for the egg, and a surrogate to gestate the baby, but again, it’s possible.
I never really thought about having children with Ryan, but with Bryce, it’s my dearest wish. I hope our children have Bryce’s blue eyes and my dark brown hair. I picture us living in a bigger house filled with at least four kids, two boys and two girls, and we’ll even have a dog. I’ll stay at home with the kids for a couple of years and then once they’re old enough, I’ll get back into teaching. His business will flourish and we’ll live happily ever after. I can see it all now. If only we could come out to the world, and make our dreams come true. If only things were so easy.
14
Bryce
The lake flashes like a diamond under the sun, almost too bright to look at. Conor stares out the car window, his eyes wide.
“Is this where you usually fish?” he asks.
“Yeah, but I always put them back in the water. I just do it for sport,” I say.
“It’s really beautiful up here,” he says, admiring the scenery around us. I’m so glad my lover agreed to come away with me for the weekend to my house in Conn
ecticut. The flight was a little rough and the turbulence scared him at first, but we finally made it here safe and sound.
“We’re here,” I say as I pull into the driveway. He gasps at the sight of the house, and his eyes grow wide as his jaw drops.
“This is it?” he asks, a little in shock.
“Yup,” I say. “This is our home for the weekend.”
“I love it,” he says, turning toward me and kissing me softly.
“I’m glad,” I say with a smile. “Come on let’s go.” We both bolt out of the car and take off running in the wide open land. I’m so happy to be here with Conor, away from all the worries of getting caught together by the Smithtown residents. We’re finally free and don’t have to constantly look over our shoulders.
I seize my lover in my arms and lift him into the air, twirling him around. The sun is just setting overhead and the scenery is perfect. I let him down to the ground slowly, staring into his eyes. We hold each other tightly, turning towards the West to enjoy the sunset. The wind blows, but the cool Connecticut breeze doesn’t bother me because Conor’s touch keeps me warm.
As our love deepens and strengthens, it’s been harder and harder for me to sneak around with him. I want to be with him, but not the way we are now, behind closed doors. We shouldn’t have to travel to another state just so we can be together out in public. It’s crazy.
Plus, it’s not like Conor was going to stay single forever. Yes, his husband passed away, but that doesn’t condemn him to a lifetime of misery. He has a right to move on, and yes, with me it happened sooner rather than later. But still. How can people judge him? He’s giving, kind and genuine, and no one should judge someone else’s happiness. I won’t apologize for falling in love with him.