by James, J. P.
“Where are those apple trees you mentioned?” he asks, looking up at me with warm brown eyes.
“Right over here,” I say as I grab his hand and lead him over to a patch not too far off. A wicker basket leans against the bark of one of the trees and he rushes over to it, grabbing it.
I watch as Conor reaches upwards, displaying that manly bod. Shit, he’s in such great shape and my mouth waters as his shirt slips up a bit to reveal tan, toned abs. I could stare at him all day long and never get tired of his physique for one second. He fills the wicker basket with fruit and smiles at the bountiful supply.
“I love this place,” Conor remarks.
“You haven’t even been in the house yet,” I chuckle.
“I know, but so far everything’s perfect,” he laughs before doing a spin with his arms wide. “It’s so freeing to be here.”
“Come on,” I say, grabbing his hand again. “Let’s go inside so we can clean those apples off.” We walk hand in hand through the grass, taking our time.
Conor’s the only man I’ve ever brought here before because this place is special to me. I come to Connecticut when I need to escape from the rest of the world. The serene landscape provides me with solace, and renews my soul. Now this can be the place where we both escape.
I fumble through my pocket for the keys and then unlock the door. I haven’t been to my vacation home in a while, but I have a housekeeper come by once a month to keep the place tidy. I flick on the light switch, illuminating the foyer and the living room. Conor walks around the house gazing at the beautiful spectacle.
“Bryce this house is wonderful,” he says.
I shrug. I needed a place that reminded me of Kentucky, and this is it. When I first bought this cabin, I thought I’d be getting married within the next couple of years, but boy was I wrong. The man that I was dating at the time was a complete asshole who only cared about himself. Fortunately, he showed his true colors within weeks, and never set foot here. Therefore, the cabin remains untainted, pure, and perfect for a life with Conor.
“It’s even better now that you’re here,” I say, taking the basket of apples out of his hand and placing it onto the floor. I pull him into my arms because I can’t keep my hands off that amazing male physique.
He laughs and kisses me, making my heart jump.
“This place is perfect,” he whispers. “Thank you for inviting me, Bryce.”
I’m glad he loves it here just as much as I do. This is a place that only we know of and no outside intruders can penetrate the little world that we create here. There’s no one here to judge us and say we fell in love too soon, and we don’t have to sneak around. No one in Connecticut knows that his husband died two months ago and they have no idea that I was Ryan’s best friend either. We’re free, and no one can stop us from being together.
“Oh we forgot the groceries in the car,” Conor exclaims.
“I’ll go grab them,” I say. I release him from my hold and head back outside. I grab the grocery bags out of the backseat and his small suitcase from the trunk. I can always come back for mine later. I just want to make sure he has everything that he needs. Conor holds the door wide open for me as I haul everything inside.
“I’ll take those,” he says grabbing the paper bags. He takes them into the kitchen and immediately gets started on dinner. All I can think as I watch him is that he’d make the perfect husband. He’s so loving and selfless, always putting my needs before his own.
I open a bottle of red wine and pour two glasses. Heading into the living room, I put my favorite country album in the CD player, and turn it up loud enough so that it can be heard in the kitchen. My life has gotten so much better ever since Conor walked into it. I was so lonely without him, but now love courses through my veins, and he should know it.
I walk back into the kitchen holding the glasses of wine. He’s in the middle of prepping a chicken, but that will have to wait. I need to tell him how I feel, and how my life’s been transformed because of his presence.
“What’s all this?” he asks while wiping his hands on a dishrag.
“Tonight we’re gonna celebrate our love,” I say as I hand him the wine glass. “Before I met you I didn’t know love like this was possible. You’ve changed my life for the better and I don’t know what I would do without you,” I say, meaning every word.
Conor smiles.
“Bryce, I’ve never known love like this before either. You’ve opened my eyes to so many things and I’m glad you walked into my life when you did,” he says, tears filling his eyes.
“Don’t cry,” I say, placing the wine glass onto the counter and taking him in my arms.
“I’m sorry,” he sniffs. “I probably look really silly right now.”
“No, you don’t,” I reassure him.
“It’s just that you’re everything I’ve ever wanted,” he says. “I’m sorry that we have to hide our relationship. I know how hard it’s been on you, and I appreciate the effort.”
He’s right. I don’t think I can take it much longer, but I grin and push through it because of him. I don’t want to be the reason Conor’s reputation is destroyed because I’d hate myself forever if that happened. I’m willing to wait for him, but how much longer will I have to sneak through the back door?
I take a deep breath before looking deep into my lover’s eyes.
“I know why you want to keep us a secret and I get it. But Conor I want to marry you someday and there’s no way we can hide a marriage. The sooner we come out and tell everyone, the better,” I say. He goes quiet and I have no clue what’s running through his mind. I wish he would say something. Suddenly, panic makes me freeze. Doesn’t Conor want to marry me too? Oh shit, have I overstepped?
I hope not because I can’t imagine not spending the rest of my life with him. I truly believe that we are meant for each other. I don’t care about what anyone is going to say about us, the only thing that matters is us. Two people shouldn’t deprive themselves of love, no matter what the circumstances are. I’m willing to give my all for Conor, but I need him to do the same for me. It’s reaching a breakpoint, and Conor needs to see what I see.
His lips are quiet, but they tremble as he searches for the right words to say. A tear streams down one angled cheek and I quickly wipe it away with my thumb. I can see how conflicted he is, so I decide to move off the topic. I don’t want to ruin our weekend away together. Not now. Not when we have the freedom to enjoy each other out in the open.
“Let’s just have fun this weekend,” I say with a sigh. I kiss him, hoping my lips can erase any trace of sadness. A slow song plays in the background and I can’t control myself. I sway from side to side with him in my arms, dancing in the kitchen.
He sniffs a little, but then lifts his chin.
“What about the chicken?” he murmurs, warming my heart.
“It can wait until after this song,” I say, grinning at Conor. He gazes into my eyes, smiling from ear to ear as we dance together.
I hate keeping our relationship a secret. It kills me because tip-toeing around just isn’t my style. I’m not some scared little boy. I’m a man who knows what he wants. But I have to wait until Conor’s ready. He’s the one I want to marry, but my lover is still scared. So for now, I have to be brave enough for both of us.
15
Conor
I rip off a piece of scotch tape and hand it to Nancy. She rolls it up and puts it on the back of a banner that reads Happy Birthday, then presses it against the wall. Ryan’s been gone for three months now, but his mother still wants to throw him a birthday party in his honor. I told her I would come by early to help her set up, so now I’m here hanging decorations with her. I don’t mind. In fact, I’m glad I get to see her because it’s been a while. I’ve been so busy with Bryce that I haven’t had much time for anything else.
Our Connecticut weekend was amazing. It started off a little shaky because Bryce wanted to press me about coming out. Not coming out as ga
y, of course, but coming out into the open with our relationship. I want to, so bad, because it would make him happy. But on the other hand, how can I? I’m literally helping my former mother in law set up birthday decorations for my deceased husband right now. Talk about a conflict.
Yet, Bryce is everything I’ve ever dreamed of. He says he wants to marry me, and the thought makes my heart race. There would be nothing better than tying the knot with Bryce and then having children together. The fact that we both want this warms my heart, and makes me think that anything is possible.
My dreamy thoughts are interrupted. “Thanks for coming by early to help out,” Nancy says as she steps down from a stool.
“It’s no problem at all,” I say with a smile. I want to help out anyway I can because I still feel guilty about moving on so fast. Nancy doesn’t seem to have a clue that there’s someone new in my life, and neither does anyone else. I’ve done a great job of hiding my relationship with Bryce, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up.
I wish I could tell her that there’s a new man in my life that loves me with all his heart, but I don’t think she would understand. After all, Ryan was her son and my husband. No mother wants to hear that her son’s widower has moved on only three months after his death.
“How have you been holding up?” she asks.
“I’m getting through it,” I say.
“That’s good to hear. This whole thing has been hard on all of us,” she says. A timer dings and we both glance at the kitchen doorway. “Must be the cake.”
I follow her into the kitchen and inhale the sweet aroma of chocolate cake. It was always Ryan’s favorite. He used to eat so much chocolate that I thought his teeth were going to fall out. Nancy would bake him a chocolate surprise every year for his birthday, and this year is no exception. She takes the cake out of the oven and places it onto a cooling rack.
“It smells good,” I say.
“Yeah,” she pauses. “Too bad Ryan isn’t here to eat it.” Her eyes become watery and I rush over to her, embracing her in my arms. “I’m sorry. I told myself I wasn’t going to cry today, not on his birthday,” she says.
“It’s alright,” I reply as my eyes fill with tears as well. “I miss him too.” It’s true. I do miss Ryan, but that pain is greatly reduced because of my love for Bryce. But I can’t tell Nancy that.
She grabs a napkin and wipes away her tears. “Look at us,” she laughs. “Crying like two big babies.” She dabs away the droplets on my cheeks. “Thank you for showing my son what true love was while he was alive. He was so lucky to have such a faithful and honest man like you.” she says.
Her words feel like someone just punched me in my gut. Would she say the same if she knew that I slept with Bryce on my wedding night? I never cheated on Ryan, but I didn’t hesitate to move on after his death. In fact I barely even mourned before I was locking lips with the man of my dreams. And if I was really being honest, I wouldn’t be hiding a secret love affair from Nancy and everyone else. I take a seat at the kitchen table as the pain in my stomach intensifies.
“Honey are you okay?” she asks. The truth is no, but I can’t tell her the real reason why I’m feeling sick to my stomach.
“Just feeling a little ill is all. I think there’s a bug going around the preschool,” I say, holding my stomach with both hands. “But I’ll be alright.”
“Are you sure?” she asks.
“Yeah, I’m sure,” I say, hoping all of my guilt leaves my belly soon, especially before the other guests arrive. I take a deep breath and slowly exhale, trying to let go of everything I’m feeling. She takes a seat next to me and leans in closely.
“It’s too bad you and Ryan didn’t get to have any kids together. Now there’s no one left to carry on his legacy,” she laments, adding more fuel to the fire. I feel so sick that I could vomit.
Nancy isn’t doing it intentionally, but she’s making me feel like the worst person in the world. Not only because of my affair with Bryce, but also because I never wanted children with Ryan. I didn’t even want to really marry him. I feel horrible whenever I think about our wedding day and how much I wanted to turn around and run in the opposite direction. Maybe if I had, Ryan would still be alive today.
“I know,” I say quietly. Nancy prattles on.
“I always imagined being a grandma. I thought you and Ryan would have three or four kids and they’d come over every weekend to stay with me and Frank.” She lowers her head. “But now I guess that will never happen,” she says. Instantly, I burst into tears and sob with my face in my hands.
“I’m sorry,” are my muffled words.
“Oh honey,” she says wrapping her arms around me. “It isn’t your fault.”
But I’m not crying because I wasn’t able to give her grandchildren. I’m weeping because I feel like I betrayed her and her son. I’d married Ryan and we were supposed to start a life together, but instead, I’m falling madly in love with my deceased husband’s friend. I can’t believe I got myself tangled up in something like this. The betrayal shocks even me.
Am I wrong for the way I feel about Bryce? We crossed a few lines, but how can something that feels so right be wrong? I had a choice and I could’ve walked away, but I chose to stay and make love to him. I was so vulnerable and he was there to pick up all of my broken pieces. Again, it all felt so perfect. It still feels perfect.
“Come on,” Nancy says as she helps me up from the chair.
My tears continue to flow like a waterfall as she walks me over to the kitchen sink. She turns on the cold water and I splash liquid onto my face, trying to wash away my shame and guilt. She rubs my back as the cool liquid temporarily helps to relieve the burning pain I feel inside. She hands me a towel to dry my face off with. I take a deep breath as I dab my drenched face with the cloth.
“It isn’t your fault,” she says again as she places her hands on my shoulders. “It’s no one’s fault. None of us could’ve prevented this from happening.” I nod, but deep down inside I still feel ashamed of myself.
Ryan probably would’ve waited years before he tried to find another partner. He would have been loyal and true, and held off any advances from other men. How can I do this to him? He loved me with every fiber of his being. I feel even more conflicted than before and I don’t know what I’m going to do about Bryce. I love him and I see my future with him, but our relationship is so taboo. What do I do?
“I just really miss him,” I say sincerely. Nancy has no idea that I mean Bryce, and not Ryan.
“We all do,” she says as she grabs my hand. “We’ll make it through this together. Now come on, let’s frost this cake.” She takes out two butter knives and hands one to me. We both plunge the blades into a tub of cream cheese frosting and scoop out two generous globs. She plops her bit on one half of the cake, while I smear mine on the other.
The kitchen has always been my domain and I feel a little better about everything, but I’m still worried about what the future holds. Moments like this with Nancy could all come to an end when she finds out I’ve been seeing Bryce behind her back. She loves me like her own child, and the fact that I’ve been keeping a major secret from her could ruin our relationship.
I try my best not to think about that and try to focus on celebrating Ryan’s birthday instead. Last year we threw him a small surprise party and I got him a really nice pair of leather cowboy boots. He loved them and wore them everywhere. He even wanted to wear them on our wedding day, but didn’t because I begged him not to. He said it was the best birthday present he ever got his whole life. None of us had any idea it was going to be his last birthday here on Earth.
I sigh heavily as I frost the cake, trying not to burst into tears again. The guests will be here soon and I don’t want them to see me as an emotional wreck. I’ll have to deal with everything later because today isn’t about me, it’s Ryan’s day. I’ll have to pretend to be okay for right now, at least until I get home.
The doorbell rings a
nd it’s time to put on my happy face. “I’ll get it,” Nancy says. She places the knife onto the counter and heads into the living room. I inhale deeply, then force a smile onto my face. I need Bryce’s warm touch right now to make all of my worries go away. He’s not coming to the party because we figured it would look too weird. But I can’t wait to jump into his arms when I see him later. Somehow, I just know he’ll make everything alright. He always does.
16
Bryce
Bright lights approach as a car passes by. I wait in the bushes until the coast is clear, and then dart into Conor’s backyard. I hate having to do this, but I’ll do anything to be with him. My hand turns the back door knob silently, and I step inside of his home. I’m not sure what Conor’s cooking, but whatever it is smells delicious. There he is. He looks absolutely amazing dressed in jeans and a casual shirt while stirring something on the stove.
I walk up behind him as he stirs homemade gravy in a pot. I wrap my arms around that muscled frame and tenderly kiss his cheek, but he doesn’t swoon the way he usually does. Something’s up, but I’m not sure what.
“Are you okay sweetheart?” I ask. He doesn’t seem his normal self because he isn’t excited to see me like he usually is.
“Mhm,” Conor murmurs as he continues to stir. “Dinner’s almost ready. Have a seat.”
“Hey,” I say, turning my lover around. “What’s going on? Talk to me.” His eyes are dim and he looks like he’s about to cry any second now. He sighs heavily, dropping his chin.
“Bryce, what are we doing?” he asks.
“What do you mean?” I ask. I don’t get it, everything was fine this morning when I left. What could’ve changed? “What’s wrong, sweetheart?” He sighs again.
“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” Conor says. I jerk back, feeling like he just stuck a knife through my chest.