by James, J. P.
“Conor I love you and you love me. We can’t end things now. What we have is special,” I say as I stare deep into his eyes, trying to convince him to think about what he’s saying.
“It’s too soon after Ryan’s death,” he says as a tear rolls down his cheek. “I swore in front of all of my friends and family that I would love Ryan for the rest of our lives, but the second he died I jumped into your arms.” He sobs heavily, causing my heart to weigh a ton.
“We didn’t mean to, but I don’t regret it what happened between us for one second,” I say stoutly. “If I had the chance to do it all over again, I’d still kiss you.”
He pulls away from my grasp, making me question whether or not he loves me. I feel guilty about Ryan at times too, but what Conor and I have is greater than that. The fire in their relationship never burned as bright as the one in ours. This isn’t the type of love you can just find anywhere. It’s as rare as a precious jewel and I’ll be damned if I give it up.
“I just feel so guilty, like I betrayed him. He was my husband, Bryce,” Conor whispers.
“For only an hour,” I interject. “And it’s not like you cheated on him. He’s gone Conor and there’s no way we can bring him back.”
He hangs his head in sorrow, still charging himself for a crime he didn’t commit. His feeling of guilt is the only thing standing in between us right now. He’s blaming herself for moving on and finding happiness, but that’s not a crime. Love is never a crime.
“I know I can’t bring him back, but I should be honoring his memory like a devoted husband would,” he says as he finishes stirring the gravy. He turns the stove off and grabs two plates from the cupboard.
“Could you see yourself living without me?” I ask as I take the plates out of his hands and place them on the counter. I take hold of Conor’s broad shoulders and pull him in close as I search his eyes for the truth.
He’s silent, and stares back at me with his lips trembling slightly. His eyes beg me for understanding, but they also plead with me to change his mind. Impulsively, I draw him even closer and kiss those lips before they can get a single word out. Conor tries to resist, but his body can’t fight what his heart wants and eventually it gives into my will. His gentle hands caress my back and I shiver from the chills he sends down my spine. I peel my lips off of his to see if I was able to fish out the words he was searching for.
“Could you live without me?” I ask again. He stares into my eyes again, this time with an answer on the tip of his tongue.
“No,” he says sincerely. “I don’t want to go another day without you.”
My heavy heart lightens as he says the words my ears long to hear. For a second there I thought Conor was giving up on our love, but I’m glad he didn’t. It would’ve shattered my heart if he had. I put my whole life on hold for this man because I believe he’s worth it. It would absolutely crush me if he up and decided to just walk away.
“That’s the answer I want to hear,” I say as I kiss him again. “I know how you feel sweetheart, but I promise you everything is going to work out just fine.”
“I hope you’re right,” he says, still a little bit doubtful. It’s not me he’s worried about. Our love is rock solid. It’s everyone else he’s concerned with. I wish he didn’t care so much, but he does. I don’t know what else I can do to show him that our love is strong enough to withstand anything.
I’m pretty much wearing my heart on my sleeve at this point. My lover knows exactly how I feel about him, and that I’m willing to do anything to make him happy. I’ve been down here in Smithtown for three months now, moving at his pace. I don’t want to rush him, but I’m sick of hiding in the bushes and having to park several blocks away from his house just so we don’t get caught together. This isn’t how love is supposed to be, and the feeling gnaws at my gut.
Ryan was my buddy and his death took a toll on all of us, but at some point, we all need to move on. Conor isn’t an old geezer. He’s a handsome young man with his whole life ahead of him. He can’t just stop living his life because Ryan’s gone. That’s not living, that’s just existing. He deserves to be happy, and if his family and friends really cared about him, they’d want him to get back out there and find someone else to love. He can honor Ryan’s memory without having to lay down and die with him as well.
“Baby, I’ve never been more sure about anything else in my life,” I say. “Your heart knows what it wants. Don’t give up on us.” I place my hand on his heart to make sure it still races for me. It’s pounding so fast that I can barely count the beats. He places his hand on top of mine and presses it against his chest.
“I won’t,” he promises, still with tears in those chocolate brown eyes.
I don’t give a damn about how anyone is going to feel about us being together. I’d rather piss a couple of people off than to be without Conor. Someone is always going to have something to say, but I believe our love can conquer all. If other people could feel the love between us, they wouldn’t give up either.
I rest his head on my chest and inhale his aroma. The world around us could be in chaos, but as long as we’re in each other’s arms we’re safe. I’ll always be here to protect Conor like a knight in shining armor, and I won’t let anyone come between us. He pulls back and shoots me a teary smile.
“Have a seat, Bryce,” he says with a sniffle. “I don’t want dinner to get cold.” I take a seat at the table as he makes my plate.
“What’s for dinner?” I ask, stomach growling.
“Smothered pork chops, red skin garlic mashed potatoes and sweet corn,” he says while placing the plate in front of me. I take a whiff of the flavorful meal and smile in delight. I grab a fork and knife, and dig into the gravy smothered pork chop.
“Baby this is delicious,” I groan after the first bite.
“I’m glad you like it,” he laughs.
Conor takes a seat across from me with his plate and I watch as he enjoys his meal with gusto. My lover isn’t coy like the men in New York and I love that about him. He likes to eat, and isn’t worried about keeping up appearances. A good meal is a good meal, and my man digs into his portion ravenously. He glances up from his plate and notices me staring at him.
“What is it?” he asks.
“Nothing,” I reply with a smile.
He grins, and we lock hands across the table. This is right. It feels good to sit at the kitchen table with this man, sharing a meal after a long day. We have challenges ahead, but it will be worked out. I know it. It has to get worked out because I can’t live without this man, and he can’t live without me.
17
Conor
The starry night sky here in Connecticut is just as beautiful as the one back home. Bryce rolls out a blanket for us in the grass and I pour two glasses of wine. I feels so good to get away from Smithtown again. Bryce is getting really tired of sneaking around and I completely get it because it’s no walk in the park for me either. That’s why it’s so important that we come here for quiet and relaxation.
I hand him a glass of wine as he takes a seat on the blanket, then scoot next to him and nestle my body against his. The early spring evening is chilly, but he keeps me warm. I sip my glass of wine as I stare up at the sky. The full moon glows, illuminating the darkness above our heads. Bryce places his arm around me and gently rubs my shoulder. Even after all of these months, he still gives me butterflies with just one touch.
He’s been staying in Smithtown for six months now and somehow, we’ve managed to keep our relationship a secret. It hasn’t been easy and a few times I thought my neighbors were catching on, but no one’s the wiser. The last couple of months have been the sweetest days of my life. He’s redefined love for me and taught me so much about myself. Falling in love with him is the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
We’ve been talking about marriage a lot lately and I could definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with him, but what would my wedding guests think as they watch me
walk down the aisle toward my late husband’s friend? I try not to think about it, but it’s always in the back of mind. I want to be with Bryce forever, but all of Smithtown watched me promise my forever to Ryan. What does forever mean, if it’s now forever with a different person?
To make things worse, I’ve even been called Mr. Solow around town a few times. I know my neighbors are just trying to be respectful, but the truth of the matter is Ryan didn’t live long enough after the wedding for me to change my last name. After his death I saw no point in taking his name anymore. I felt like it would be a constant reminder that I became a widower on the same day that I became a husband.
Bryce stares up at the moon, his huge bulk silent. He hasn’t said much all night and I can tell that something is on his mind. Things have been going great between us and every day our love grows stronger. We both wanted to get away from Smithtown, but now that we’re here, something seems off.
“You’re awfully quiet tonight,” I say.
“I just been thinking a lot lately,” he says, still staring up at the stars.
“About what?” I ask. He hesitates and that brief second makes my stomach drop. What could be on his mind? We’re both so happy together. We’re even planning our future together. I cling tighter to his arm as I await his answer.
“Just about us,” he says as he sips his wine. His vague response is unsettling. I wish I could read his mind because the suspense is killing me.
“What about us?” I ask, hoping that this time his answer will shed some light. He hesitates again. Oh no, what could it be?
“I’m just tired of sneaking around, Conor,” he says in a weary voice. “I’ve said it once, and I’ve said it again. Sneaking around kills me.”
“I know and I’m sorry. I just need some more time,” I say.
I feel horrible for asking him to wait until I’m ready to come out about our relationship, but Ryan’s death is still a fresh wound. I can’t strut around town with a new man on my arm already. Our love is real, but the folks of Smithtown won’t see it that way. They’ll think I’m some kind of slut that was sleeping with Bryce when Ryan was fresh in his grave. It’ll look really suspicious that I moved on so fast and everyone will talk.
Bryce tells me all the time that I shouldn’t care about what people are going to think, but that’s easier said than done. I don’t want to be seen as the conniving asshole that hopped into bed with another man as soon as his husband died. I loved Ryan, but I couldn’t fight my feelings for Bryce either.
I wish this whole thing was easier. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if I’d started dating someone that wasn’t Ryan’s friend, but I fell for a man he loved like a brother. It still tears me up inside sometimes, and whenever someone mentions my late husband’s name, I become riddled with guilt. I know he’s gone, but I still feel like I’m breaking my promise to him.
“It’s been months Conor,” Bryce says heavily.
“Just a little while longer,” I plead with him. He finally breaks his gaze from the night sky and looks into my eyes. He stares for a bit, silent once again.
“How much longer?” he asks in a flat voice.
I wish I had an answer for him, but the truth is I don’t know. No one has mentioned anything to me about getting back out there and dating again. The only thing they ever say is that eventually, Ryan’s death won’t hurt as much. It’s as if they expect me to be stuck on my late husband forever. That makes it harder for me to tell them about Bryce.
“I’m not sure,” I admit. Now my answer is the one leaving him unsettled. I hate that we have to sneak around just as much as he does, but what else can we do? I take his hand in mine, squeezing it tightly. “But I promise we won’t be a secret forever. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you no matter what,” I say. He kisses my hand, sending tingles through my body just like the first day we met.
“You mean it?” he asks.
“Of course,” I say as he pulls me closer to him.
He lies on his back and I lay my head on his chest. I listen to his heart as it beats just for me. He’s right, we can’t carry on like this for much longer. We’ve been seeing each other in secret for half a year now. It’s time to come clean, but I don’t know how to. Everyone in Smithtown thinks I’m still mourning the loss of my late husband, but the truth is I’ve moved on already. I moved on long ago, in fact. I’ve fallen in love with another man and my love for him runs deeper than anything I ever felt for Ryan. I hate to admit it, but it’s true. What I had with Ryan was just puppy love that trickled into adulthood, but what I have with Bryce is the real deal.
Our unadulterated passion is the kind people search their whole lives for. Bryce came in during my darkest hour and healed my heart with his loving touch. He breathed life back into me and made me feel whole again. I owe him my love and so much more. I’m happier than I’ve ever been because of him.
Even now in the stillness of the night I can feel love radiating from his massive, masculine body. It’s a warm feeling that lights me up from the inside out. It spreads like a wildfire, and consumes everything in its path. I never felt anything like it before and I doubt I’ll come across it ever again. Bryce is one of kind.
As I gaze up at the sky I wonder if Ryan is looking down at me right now. Can he see that I’ve moved on and found love with someone else? And if so, is he happy for me, or is he rolling over in his grave? I wish he could give me a sign to let me know it’s okay that I’ve moved on. Maybe then, I wouldn’t feel so guilty.
I convince myself that Ryan would want me to be happy and I snuggle up closer to Bryce underneath the stars. He caresses my head, running his fingers through my short locks. I smile as a nighttime breeze brushes against our skin. Somehow, I have to work up the courage to tell everyone in my life that I’ve been secretly dating Bryce and that we’re madly in love. I don’t know how they’re going to take the news, but for now, I won’t worry about that. The only thing that matters is this moment here and now. I will treasure this passion, and no one can ever take it away from us.
18
Bryce
Slowly, I roll to a stop in my convertible. It’s the street I park on every night when I come to Conor’s house. I flip off the headlights, so no one notices me, as usual. The whole thing has become a routine to me, but quite frankly, I’m sick of this charade. It makes me weary, and drains me of all energy.
I turn off the ignition and sit there for a while staring out into the night. I’m sure Conor’s just about finished making dinner and is eagerly waiting for me to come through the back door. But I’m in no rush to go inside. We’ve been seeing each other for six months now, but we’re still creeping around like two teenagers. It’s sad.
I love Conor and I know he loves me, but he’s conflicted about our relationship and it’s driving me nuts. He still thinks it’s too soon for him to move on after Ryan’s death and he doesn’t want people finding out about us. I’ve stayed here in Smithtown for him because he promised he would tell his friends and family about us, but maybe that day is never going to come.
I sigh heavily, getting out and gently closing the car door, making sure I don’t slam it and draw any attention to myself. I hate having to always be so careful. It’s like I’m constantly walking on eggshells around my hometown. I’m not used to moving around like a scared little boy because it’s not in my nature. I go after the things that I want and don’t let things get in my way. I want Conor, but I can’t keep doing this with him either.
I sneak through the bushes into his backyard, trying to be as quiet as possible. I duck down into a prickly shrub as his neighbor’s light flicks on. Goddamit. I probably look ridiculous right now because I’m not a little guy with a small frame. I’m tall and muscular like a pro athlete, and it’s silly for me to be slinking around in the bushes like a criminal. The concerned neighbor flicks the light back off and disappears to somewhere else in the house.
With the coast clear, I bolt to Conor’s back d
oor before anyone notices me. As usual the door is unlocked, so I enter without knocking. It smells like he’s cooking something scrumptious, but I’m not really in the mood to eat. In fact, I haven’t had much of an appetite all day. I gently close the door behind me, still trying not to make too much noise. Conor appears in the entryway and greets me with a kiss, but surprisingly his lips aren’t enough to change the way I’m feeling right now.
“Hey honey,” he says with a cheerful smile. He’s excited to see me, but I lack the same enthusiasm. Instead, my heart just feels heavy and dull.
“Hey,” I say as I make my way over to the kitchen table. I plop down in a seat, alerting him that something is wrong. His smile fades away and he eyes me warily.
“Baby what’s wrong?” Conor asks.
“Nothing,” I say curtly.
“Well something is obviously wrong,” he pauses and reaches across the table, pulling a leaf out of my hair. “Honey why is there a leaf in your hair?”
“Probably because I had to hide in your bushes again,” I snap. He goes silent and instantly I regret speaking to him that way. I take a deep breath and think this time before I open my mouth. “I’m sorry, I’m just tired of crawling through your bushes to see you. I want to use the front door.”
“But Bryce, my neighbors will see you. They’ll find out you’ve been coming over here every night,” he says.
“So let them,” I say firmly.
“Bryce you know I don’t want anyone to know about us yet. It’s too soon-”
“It’s been six months Conor,” I interrupt. “I’m sick of sneaking through your back door and I’m tired of hiding our relationship. I want everyone to know that you’re my man.”
“It’s not that simple,” he says with tears in his eyes.
“It is that simple Conor,” I say firmly, brooking no dissent. His eyes gush tears, but I can’t comfort him, not this time. This whole thing has been dragging out too long, and it’s time to make a decision. “Either we stop sneaking around, or else I’m out of here.”