"I'll think about it. But thinking is as far as I will get."
"I'm going back to bed," I grumbled as I poured my breakfast into a tall glass.
"Back to bed? You'll wrinkle your shirt." He paused. "Why are you dressed already anyway? Church isn't until eleven and it's only five thirty a.m."
"I couldn't sleep, so I figured I'd get up and do something."
"Why couldn't you sleep?” his voice turned serious. “Something on your mind?" When I didn't reply, he said, "You know that faith and fear can't exist together, right? Push the fear out and step into the unknown. Have a little faith that your life with, uh, let's say Sophie, can be as happy and fulfilling as the life your mother and I have. Give Andy the boot and give Sophie a chance. I promise you won't regret it. I have a feeling about that girl."
The Andy he was referring to is my cousin and roommate back in Portland. And I knew what he meant, but I wasn’t in the mood to be agreeable.
"The feeling you had was that she was a criminal, remember?” I smiled remembering the conversation he and I had had in his shop when Sophie and I arrived at their house the day before. “And since when do you advocate living with a girl in sin?"
"I wasn’t...I'm not having this conversation with you." He stood from the table and brushed me off with an exasperated wave of his hand. "You misunderstand on purpose. Go back to bed and sleep the ornery off." Our light-hearted conversation had suddenly turned into anything but. "And when you wind up old and alone, regretting the life you chose, don't be surprised when I say I told you so."
We followed Mom and Dad into the red brick chapel and made our way to the pew our family had claimed every week since Kaley and I were kids. I recognized many faces as people turned to inspect the 'visitors'.
“Is that Sister Wilson?” I leaned in to whisper to my mother with a minute nod to the hunched, silver-haired widow in the polyester floral print dress seated a few pews in front of us. We referred to the members of our congregation as brother and sister because we are all brothers and sisters in Christ. “I can't believe she's still around.”
Mom followed my gaze and gave an affirmative nod of her own. “Her health hasn't been the greatest the past few months. That's her granddaughter sitting next to her. She's come to stay with Myrna for a few months until she gets back on her feet.”
I sat back and nodded not knowing if it was Sister Wilson or the granddaughter who needed to get back on her feet. Just then, Sister Wilson turned and looked in our direction. Her eyes lit up and she offered me a beaming smile and a weak wave. She pulled on her granddaughter's sleeve and whispered as quietly as the elderly with hearing aids are able to do. “It's the Anderson boy. He’s turned into such a nice young man; a doctor. Handsome too. You would have beautiful children together.” Her granddaughter patted her wrinkled hand and smiled apologetically in Sophie's direction.
Dad attempted to mask a laugh with a cough followed by an urgent clearing of his throat. I wasn’t fooled. Neither was Mom who swatted at him and insisted, “She's a lovely girl. And so good to Myrna.”
“I don't question her abilities with the geriatric members of the congregation,” Dad said with another cough. “I'm just saying that James is doing fine by himself.”
I rolled my eyes at my parents and squeezed Sophie's hand when I heard her soft chuckle. No disrespect to Sister Wilson or her good granddaughter, Melissa, but Sophie was better than fine.
“You didn't tell me you had a following,” Sophie leaned in to whisper a few minutes later. Her scent filled my senses and I closed my eyes, resting my forehead on her hair. “I'll have to Google you and become part of the fan club.”
Apparently she hadn't missed the discreet glances in our direction from various locations around the room either. I planted a kiss on the side of her head and said, “Do. I could hook you up with meet and greet passes.” I grinned when she looked up at me shyly.
“What all does that entail? You're great and all, but I need to know what I'm getting into before I commit to anything.” Her eyes sparkled with mischief.
My grin widened and I draped my arm around the back of the pew, pulling her to me. She snuggled closer and faced forward as the meeting was about to begin.
“Besides,” I whispered in her ear, “How do you know they aren't part of your fan club, not mine? I haven't missed the curious stares from the salivating men.”
Just then, one of said men turned to wink at Sophie. I chuckled softly when she blushed and said in a horrified whisper, “He's not even deterred by your arm around me. What is wrong with people?”
I shrugged a shoulder. “He can't help himself when it comes to you. I know the feeling. I could plant a big one on you if you thought it would help.”
“I'm not sure that's appropriate right now,” she whispered, her blush returning.
“Too bad,” I murmured, with a brief glance at her lips that caused my heart rate to kick up a notch. But when confusion clouded her eyes, I placed a hand on her cheek, gently turning her face away so she was facing forward again. There I went, sending mixed signals again. It seemed I couldn’t help myself. Having her right next to me, looking at me that way, wasn't conducive to concentrating on anything church related.
"Thanks Mom." I leaned in to place a kiss on her cheek.
"Yes. Thank you, Caroline," Sophie echoed. "You have made me feel so welcome."
Mom smiled, taking Sophie’s hand and giving it a squeeze. "It was so nice to meet you.” Then she turned to me. “You bring her back soon."
"I'll see what I can bribe her with."
“See what I have to put up with, Sophie?” She playfully swatted my shoulder. “That's fine, young man. Sophie is invited to come back and she doesn't have to worry about dragging your ungrateful behind with her."
Sophie laughed. "I would love to visit again." She turned to my dad. "Thank you, Max."
"It was a pleasure, Sophie. Don't be a stranger." He slapped me on the shoulder. "You either, son. Have a safe drive back.
"Where are we going?" Sophie asked and looked at me in confusion when I pointed the car west toward the coast instead of to Portland.
"I promised you a trip to the beach if you behaved. You lived up to your end of the bargain, so I'm living up to mine." It’s the least I can do, I admitted to myself.
"We don't have to do this, James," she told me tiredly. "Let's just get home."
"No, Sophie. A promise is a promise."
"We went there yesterday." Had it only been a day ago? "It didn't go so well," Sophie reminded me. I cringed at the pain in her voice.
"Well, today is going to be different. We can't leave the beach on a sour note. It's against the rules."
"Really," she drawled. "Whose rules?"
"Probably yours, for starters," I said. "We didn't get to see Three Arch Rocks and that's something you can't miss."
"I can see it some other time," she tried again.
"You have somewhere you need to be, San Antonio? Some hot date or something?" I glanced over at her.
"Yes." She rolled her eyes. "No. I just-"
"You just need to enjoy this ride," I interrupted. "And prepare to be awed by what you are about to see." I needed to remove the hurt from her voice and see her beautiful smile. "I'll even turn on this new beach CD I dug up somewhere. I think you'll like it." I reached for the stereo.
Sophie laughed and pushed my hand away. "You lost your CD listening privileges."
"But how will I ever educate myself on the fine art of country music?" Despair laced my voice, but I grinned in triumph at her laugh.
"You should have thought about that before you made fun of my music."
"You are absolutely right, little lady," I drawled. "Can y'all ever forgive a backward city boy?"
"Only if you promise to give my music another try. And only if you promise to never talk like that aga..." her voice trailed off. "James," she breathed, staring out the window at the ocean.
"May I present the Three Arch Rocks." I
gestured out to sea like a tour guide. I laughed when she bounced lightly in her seat in excitement. "Don't jump out," I told her. "I'll park right here."
As soon as the car stopped, Sophie jumped out and headed for the trail that led to the beach. She raised a hand to shield her eyes from the sun and turned back to me with a childlike grin on her face. She waved for me to hurry and continued to the sand where she slipped her sandals off and practically skipped to the water.
My heart twisted in my chest at her happiness. It was contagious. I felt a smile grow on my face in direct proportion to the feeling welling inside. I had thought a lot about what my father said earlier this morning about the life I was choosing. I hadn't realized how lonely and incomplete I was until Sophie came along and completed me. I wanted to be the one to bring the smile to her beautiful face and put that sparkle in her eyes. I wanted to introduce her to all the wonders she had never experienced before. I wanted to have her look at me with the same longing she looked at the beach. I wanted her to love me as desperately as I was coming to love her. I rubbed my chest above my heart where an aching need started.
I would put it all out there. I would tell her what she wanted to know about my past. I would let go and free myself from the memories and heartache and fill up the empty space-- with her.
I spread a blanket on the sand and sat down to watch her comb the beach and glance at the occasional bird that passed overhead. I grinned when her head jerked up and her eyes squinted and roved the rocks a half mile out at a sea lion’s call. I laughed at her startled squeal when a wave lapped up and over her feet. I knew I was grinning like a fool, but I couldn't help it.
I hopped up from the blanket and walked toward her. When I was a couple feet away, I held out my hand to her. "Walk with me?" She smiled up at me and placed her hand in mine.
"The Meares Lighthouse is up ahead," I pointed out to her as we walked.
She sighed. "I love lighthouses. It's hard to describe. Just like the way I feel about the ocean. Maybe it's that they warn boats away from danger. Maybe it's that they are a beacon on a stormy sea. Maybe it's that darkness can't exist where there is even a little light. Or maybe it's that where there is a lighthouse, there is an ocean. And I've already told you how I feel about the ocean."
I squeezed her hand. "I love how passionate you are about life. Whether it's the ocean or physical therapy or your family." My voice sounded strained and my heart was threatening to burst from my chest. And not in a good way. It was time. I knew I needed to tell her, but terror gripped my heart.
After a few minutes of walking in silence, Sophie asked, "What's wrong, James?"
Might as well get it over with. "For years, I’ve locked my heart up. First because of Nicole and then because of my career." She glanced at me, an unspoken question in her eyes. "You remember a couple months back when you asked about my biggest regret from the past?" I gave a rueful laugh, remembering how I’d freaked out at her innocent question and almost blown it between us before it even really started. "How could you forget, right?" I stopped and turned to face her. "Have I apologized enough for that?" I rubbed my thumb across the back of her hand.
"Who is Nicole?" she asked, curiosity and confusion warring with each other in her eyes. Or maybe it was wariness.
I took a deep breath. "I was married once," I began. Her hand froze in mine and I cringed at the accompanying sharp intake of breath. "We were young. I'd had a crush on her since high school, so when she showed interest after I returned home from my medical humanitarian work, I latched onto the relationship with both hands. Things were okay for the first year of the marriage. I thought she actually loved me.” I gave a self-deprecating laugh. “But when I graduated and started medical school, things changed. I didn't notice at first. I was gone so often...She'd always spent time at the gym. But then she developed this...this obsession with working out. Some friends she worked out with talked her into signing up for fitness modeling competitions. Any time I tried to carve much needed time out for us with the extremely limited time I had, she was heading off to the gym instead.
“Then she found out she was pregnant. We had planned on waiting a few more years until I was farther along with med school... Still I was ecstatic. She wasn't. She was so into the modeling competitions that the baby would destroy her body, she said. She talked about an abortion, but I begged her not to. It was my baby too." I laughed again, wondering if Sophie could hear the painful irony in it.
"Then we found out the baby had a congenital heart defect. Nicole was livid. She hadn't wanted the baby in the first place. Now she would be stuck with a sick child, if the baby even lived at all. She told me she hated me. She told me she should have just gotten the abortion without telling me. She told me as soon as the baby was born, she was leaving. She was giving up her parental rights and wanted a divorce. She said the only reason she married me was for the doctor's salary, but she couldn't stick it out through med school.
“Our beautiful baby girl, Lexie, was born one morning two months later and only lived a few hours. Nicole didn't even look at her. She demanded to be discharged from the hospital as soon as possible and left the same day the baby was born. She didn't even say goodbye.” I sighed heavily and ran a hand through my hair.
“Andy ran into her three years later. She was married to some Vin Diesel look alike. She had been seeing him about six or eight months into our marriage. The baby may not have even been mine.” I barely noticed Sophie’s soft gasp.
“I held a small graveside service for Lexie with close family, and buried myself in medical school. I switched from adult cardiology to pediatric cardiology. It became my life. I wouldn't be sidetracked by anything. Kaley and Andy have tried to get me to date for the past couple of years, but I was convinced that there wasn't room in my life for women or the heartache that came as a package deal. I was numb. It was too painful to feel anything, so I chose to feel nothing.” I gazed into her eyes, hoping to convey to her the significance of what I was about to say, and continued softly, “Until you. You and your songs and useless trivia. With your crazy stories and Texas drawl. How could I resist?” I pushed a lock of hair behind her ear and swallowed. “You terrify me.” I confided.
“Well, that’s flattering,” she choked out an uncertain laugh.
I couldn't allow the uncertainty to remain. I pulled her to me and wrapped my arms around her. She stood stiff with her hands at her sides. I leaned down and nudged her cheek softly with my nose. I kissed her ear and then her cheek. Her hands came up and rested on my chest. Whether to push me away, or hold me there, I didn't know.
"James..." she breathed.
I’d gone this far and was still standing. Might as well go for broke. "I know I’m sending all kinds of mixed signals,” I spoke over the agony in her voice. “I have been since we met. But…” I took a deep breath. “I love you, Sophie. I love you so much it scares me. I can't go through that again. Self-preservation screams I can't be with you, but my heart cries I can't be without you. Help me trust again, San Antonio. Heal the hole in my heart."
She raised my face with gentle hands and went up on her toes to press her lips to mine. My arms tightened around her and her fingers slid into my hair. The kiss felt desperate, as if all my fear and pain were fighting to be freed. I changed the angle of the kiss and pressed her closer. I moved from her lips to her cheek, resting my face against it, catching my breath. When her sweet breath reached me in a contented sigh, I sought out her lips again, hungry for her. Eventually, the kisses slowed from passionate, demanding, to memorizing taste and touch.
Sophie
As soon as the sun went down, the air turned chilly. My jacket was back in James' car and we were a ways from it now. We should probably head for Portland anyway, I reasoned. James had to be up early. But I wasn't ready to head back to the real world yet.
It had been heaven walking along the beach with James, my hand in his, talking about everything and nothing. Stealing kisses. I’m sure I’d never get over the
heady feeling of his lips on mine. Feeling like we were the only two people in the world with his arms around me.
I feared going back would break this tenuous bubble of revelation and open declarations and he’d get scared and take back everything he’d shared-- all the words, all the emotions, all the physical connections. He could recall it all with a few words like he’d done before. I didn’t think I could handle that because, against my better judgement, I felt the same.
The wet sand was cold on my bare feet. I shivered against James. "You cold?" He pulled back from our embrace enough to look into my eyes.
"A little," I admitted.
"Step up," he said and tugged up on my hands. I looked at him, bewildered, and he laughed. "Step up onto my feet."
I smiled and stepped lightly onto his shiny black dress shoes. He wrapped one arm around me and tucked one of my hands into his against his chest. I lowered my head to his chest, listening to his heart beat strong and steady. Slowly, he swayed back and forth to the rhythmic music of waves washing up on the shore. Peace and contentment settled over me. I closed my eyes and wrapped both arms around his waist, snuggling closer. His arms tightened around me and he rested his chin on my head.
"I love you, James," I whispered. I couldn’t stop the words. I’d burst if I held them back any longer. He kissed the top of my head and I felt his happy sigh match my own.
Chapter 2
Sophie
"What doing, Aunt Sophie?"
"Huh?” I asked when Jeran's voice pierced the dreamland I found myself in more often than not since Tillamook. He patiently repeated his question. “Oh. I, cute boy, am making a banner that we will hang outside to welcome your brother home from the hospital."
His precious face scrunched up in confusion. "What bannuh?"
I held up the four foot long sheet of white paper. "This is a banner. We get to color on it and hang it on the house to surprise Mommy, Daddy, and Dylan when they get home."
The Heart of the Matter Page 2