His eyes lit up and he clapped his hands. "A supise? Mommy will be happy."
I leaned over to kiss his forehead. "Yes, Mommy will be very happy. She will love all your coloring. Shall we get started?" I laughed as he dropped onto his stomach on the floor and rested his chin in his hands. He peered up at me with a beaming smile.
I dropped down to my knees next to him and laid the paper down, using a shoe and a dump truck to keep the edges from rolling in on us. I held the washable markers up for Jeran to choose a color and grabbed the fat blue Sharpie for myself. I wrote around Jeran's picture of what appeared to the untrained eye to be a baby under a tree being eaten by a two-legged dog.
"Do you like my pichuh?" He paused in his drawing and looked at the huge WELCOME HOME lettering running through a long-necked dinosaur with two horns and enormous macaroni noodles on its hands. Again, only to the untrained eye.
"I love your picture," I told him enthusiastically. "Tell me about it."
"This is my butha at the pahk." he explained, pointing to the baby and the two-legged dog. "And this is Mommy and Daddy at the zoo with me." I was so close on the dinosaur guess. "Can my butha go to the zoo too?" he asked, all wide-eyed innocence.
"Yes, but he may not want to look at the animals until he gets to be big like you." I tickled his stomach.
"Wheh will my butha sleep?"
"Remember he has a bed in your room. You are so nice to let him share your special room."
"His bed have bahs like the zoo."
I choked back a laugh and said, "His bed does have bars like a cage. You are so smart. What kind of animal would your brother be at the zoo?"
He put a finger to his lips, thinking, and sucked in an excited breath. With big eyes, he exclaimed, "He a baby elphant 'cause Mommy is a big elphant. Membuh, Aunt Sophie?"
I pulled him to me. "I could squeeze the stuffins out of you, you cute boy." I planted a loud kiss on his cheek. "Yes, I remember the elephant conversation. The question is, are you part elephant too? Because you never forget anything."
He reached up and patted my cheek with his little hand. "Oh, Aunt Sophie, you ah so funny." Then he ran out of the room and down the hall to his bedroom.
I grinned and shook my head, returning to the banner. How could I leave that little monster and go back to Texas? When I saw him again, he'd hardly remember me.
Moments later, Jeran cruised into the living room on a stick horse. He galloped around me and the banner yelling, "I'm a cowboy."
"Hey, cowboy, you wanna help me hang this outside?"
"Yup," he said and steered his horse to the front door. I gathered the banner and a roll of tape and opened the door to set the cowboy free.
"Jeran, hold the paper right here and don't move," I instructed, pointing to the spot where I stood. "I'm going to climb on the railing and tape this side up. Hold the paper tight so it doesn't touch the ground or the alligators will snap it up with their big teeth."
His eyes grew big and he said solemnly, "I'll hold it weel tight. No alligatuhs will get it." He watched as I jumped up onto the porch railing and attempted to tear off a piece of tape while holding the banner and keeping my balance.
"Mommy say I can't climb up on that thing." He shook his head at my disobedience.
"I know. It's not safe for little cowboys. But I need to hang this banner and this is the only way I can do it."
"You could get my potty stool," he pointed out logically.
"You're right. I could. I forgot about the potty stool. Look. I got it. Now I just need to tape the other side." I hopped down and took the paper from him. "You held that so tight," I praised. "No alligators got your picture. Good job, buddy."
"Yup," he said matter-of-factly and took off on his horse again.
When the banner was hung, I called to Jeran. "Let's go get some lunch. Is your horse hungry?"
"Yup. And thusty." He wiped his forehead with the back of his arm. "What we eating?"
"How about peanut butter and jelly," I suggested.
"Do hosus eat peanut buttah and jelly?"
"Not very often," I admitted. "It's a special treat. But they love carrots and apples. They eat those all the time. Do you know that back in Texas at my other house, I helped someone feel better after she hurt her leg when she fell off a horse. She let me visit her horses. I even got to feed them carrots," I told him as I herded him to the kitchen. "Do you want carrots with your sandwich?"
"Yup. Can I feed kewits to those hosus?"
"Well, those horses live far away, but maybe we could talk to Mommy and Daddy and take you to feed horses when Grandma and Grandpa come to visit."
"Yeah. That's a good idea." Sometimes I couldn't believe this kid was only two years old.
"Thank you. I thought so too. Sit up in your chair and I'll make your food. Shall we sing a song while you wait?" I started in on a rousing rendition of She'll be Coming ‘Round the Mountain and then ate PBJ's with my nephew.
It's the simple things.
My beautiful infant nephew was finally sleeping peacefully and in his own bed. Gone were the annoying beeps of machines. Gone were the tubes coming from every part of his body. Gone was the fear for his life. He was home.
James had visited for a while under the guise of checking on his patient. Trevor exchanged a knowing glance with Stacy as he said, “Geez, Stace, we must have the most devoted doctor in all of Oregon.” James had the decency to look sheepish, but I couldn’t hold in my grin. He admitted he had really come to see me as he kissed me goodnight and promised to see me tomorrow for our run.
Now I sat in the dark in the rocker next to Dylan’s crib and listened to the steady breathing of both of my nephews. We had only had one tantrum since Trevor, Stacy, and the baby arrived home earlier this afternoon. Trevor quickly diffused Jeran and we told Trevor about carrots, PBJ's, and horses. He promised to find a horse we could feed if Jeran would be a good boy and not maul his brother. We'd see what the next few weeks brought and then I'd return to my regularly scheduled life in Texas. Sigh.
“Sophie, it’s Adri,” my friend said into the phone a few days later. I thought it funny that she insisted on identifying herself when caller ID did it for her.
“Hey, Adri, what’s up?” I had missed seeing her every day since she returned to Texas. She had texted to let me know she’d made it home okay, but I hadn’t spoken with her much since.
“I have some bad news and I wanted to tell you before you got back down here. You know, so you’d have time to prepare and think about other options.”
Now I was worried. “Prepare for what? What happened?” I asked, hesitantly.
“That space you were going to lease when you got back, it sold.” I could hear her cringe over the phone.
“Sold? You’ve got to be kidding me. It has been vacant for over a year and suddenly it’s gone?” This was definitely not good news. Saying it was a giant step back in progress was an understatement. I’d already quit my job in the hospital therapy office before I came because I was going to open up my clinic as soon as I got back. Now I’d return with no job and no clinic. I groaned. “That spot was golden. The owner was going to give me a good deal because he was losing money on it by not having anyone in it. Now what am I going to do?”
“I know,” Adri sympathized. “But I saw workers there the other day and one of those Coming Soon signs is hanging on the front of the building. It’s going to be a check cashing place or something. As if we needed another one of those around. Good thing you have other options, right?”
“What other options?” I asked, incredulous. She knew how long I had looked just to find that building. How many more months would it take to find a new one?
“How about the James option?” she asked quickly. Overriding my embarrassed protests, she went on, “You are totally in love with James. Have you thought about staying in Oregon? Maybe look into opening a clinic there? That would be awesome-- inflicting pain on already hurting patients during the day, rolling in the sand
on the beach with a hot doctor at night.” I couldn’t help smiling when she giggled at her own outrageous comment, but I shook my head at the same time even though she couldn’t see it.
“I'd stay in a minute if I thought it's what James wanted.” Things had been good in the weeks following Tillamook. Great even. We still ran together a couple times a week and managed to find a way to be together most of the other days as well. But he hadn't said anything about the future.
"He told you he loves you. What more do you need?"
"I need him to say the words so there’s no misunderstanding. But he's skittish like one of those newborn colts on your grandpa's ranch. This is new territory for him. I'm afraid if I push, he'll buck."
"You won't know unless you try."
"I don't know..." I hesitated.
"Tell him about opening a clinic there and see what happens."
"Okay," I told her.
"You'd better call me. Love you."
"Love you."
Chapter 3
Sophie
I peeked through the window of the NICU, but couldn't see James. I was sure he'd be here like always. I smiled a hello to a nurse and went in search of Ms. Gina. Maybe she could solve the mystery.
“Ms. Gina,” I called as I walked down the hall to the nurses station. “Do you know where Dr. Anderson is?”
Ms. Gina looked up from the computer and smiled. “Hey girl. He rushed out of here hours ago for an emergency hybrid surgery. He should be finished by now. Head on over to surgery and see if he's out yet.”
I made my way to the waiting room outside of the OR. The room was empty. I had my choice of seats, but I was overflowing with nervous energy and couldn’t sit. I folded my arms around myself as I paced.
After talking to Adri, I realized it was stupid to wait for James to ask me to stay. I’d put it all out there. I’d tell James about the clinic. I’d tell him I was thinking about staying in Portland. I wouldn’t wait for him to say it first. I’d just bite the bullet.
Oh. I was going to throw up. I put a hand to my stomach. Maybe if I sat down.
So I sat and thumbed through a magazine.
I looked at the time on my phone. Where was he?
I stood and began pacing again. What if I spewed useless trivia and never got to the point?
I sat. Maybe if I got something to drink.
I glanced up when I heard the doors open. James stopped just inside the room and closed his eyes. I took in his appearance. His hair was mussed. His scrubs wrinkled. His mask was crushed in his fist. Fatigue rolled off him in waves. I saw it in the way his head bowed and his shoulders drooped.
He glanced up when I stood and his eyes met mine across the room. He looked terrible. Stoic. Emotionless. Empty.
“James?” I walked toward him, reaching a hand out.
He bypassed my hand and crushed me to him, sobs wracking his body. Crumbling.
Tentacles of fear spread through my heart and I wrapped my arms around him more tightly. “James? What’s wrong? What happened?”
“I lost her. I lost her,” he cried over and over, clinging to me. “And I had to tell her parents. Their shock...their silent acceptance...their tears...I can’t get them out of my head. They told me she’s in a better place. They told me. They’ll go home without her. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t save her.”
I held him until he was all cried out. When he pulled away, I put my hands on either side of his face and looked into his eyes. “We will get through this,” I whispered. I wiped the remaining tears from his face with my thumbs and placed a soft kiss on his lips.
He brought my forehead to his lips and gave me a lingering kiss. “Thank you for being here. I have some reports I have to take care of, but can I stop by later?”
“Yes. Of course. I’m so sorry, James.”
He pulled me in for another hug. “I’ll see you later.”
James
I leaned back in my chair and ran my hands over my face. I finally made it through all the paperwork and could go be with Sophie. I yawned and replayed the scene in the waiting room again in my mind. I didn’t know how she knew to be there at that exact moment, but I was so glad she had been standing there when I looked up. Her arms were my safe harbor. She had eased the pain like I knew she would.
My phone buzzed on my desk. I grabbed it and checked the screen. Andy.
“Hey, man. What’s up?”
“Basketball tonight?”
I sighed. “No, man. I’m just finishing up paperwork and then I’m headed for Sophie’s.”
“Sophie. Of course. Can’t fault a guy for hoping. She’s ruining my playing time. You know that, right?”
“Oh, waa.”
“I can’t wait til she heads back to Texas so I can have you all to myself again.”
“That’s disturbing, bro. You can be such a girl sometimes. Maybe you should get a life.”
“Never thought you’d be saying that to me.”
“Oh, how the mighty have fallen.”
“Funny. Pencil me in for a game tomorrow night.”
“Okay, sweetheart. But Sophie may not like sharing me,” I teased. Then I smiled at the thought. It felt nice knowing someone cared about occupying my time. And I’d give her all the time I could. Time with her was all that mattered, really.
“She better get used to it. What can she do from a thousand miles away?”
“Goodbye, Andrew.”
I pocketed my phone and stretched my arms over my head, standing from my desk. I grabbed my keys and slowly made my way to the parking garage when Andy’s words replayed in my mind and I stopped short. Sophie had never talked about staying in Portland. Even after I told her I loved her, she didn’t give any indication she would stay. Was she still planning on leaving? My heart squeezed in my chest and panic set in. I would lose her too- just like that beautiful baby today. Just like my ex-wife and Lexie.
Fear gripped my heart. I couldn’t do it again. Not with Sophie. It would kill me this time.
My mind scrambled for solutions that would protect me. Panic and desperation clawed at my throat until I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had to do something.
I mentally snapped my fingers as the answer came. I’d ease out of this relationship as nonchalantly as we’d eased into it. I’d let her think she had been just another summer fling. I’d told her I hadn’t opened my heart to anyone since Nicole. But that didn’t mean I hadn’t dated. It just meant I hadn’t met anyone to be serious about and settle down with. That could also mean I’d played the field like Leonardo DiCaprio or Ben Affleck, going through women like they were water.
I could do it. It would be better in the long run.
I felt my heart systematically begin rebuilding my defensive wall and my breathing came more easily. The wall hadn’t been down for very long and it wouldn’t take long to put it back into place. What had I been thinking? I couldn’t lose her too.
I pulled out my phone and pressed one. If she was going to walk away, I’d make sure she didn’t take any part of me with her. My heart shriveled in my chest behind the wall. It had been a mistake to ever let her in.
“Sophie? It’s James. Hey, I’m exhausted. I’m not going to come over tonight.”
“That’s okay. I totally get it. Do you need anything?”
“No. Thanks. I’m good. Nothing sleep won’t cure. I’ll call you soon.”
“James?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Thanks.”
“I love you. I’ll talk to you soon. G’night.”
I hit end without saying goodbye.
“James. It’s Sophie. Look, I know you are going through...something right now, but don’t push me away. Please. I love you. Call me back.”
“James. It’s Sophie again. I really need to talk to you. Just for a few minutes. I could meet you somewhere. Ten minutes. Promise. I won’t give up on you until you tell me to. You are an amazingly talented doctor. Don’t give up on yourself.
Little ones are counting on you. I believe in you. I love you. Please call me.”
“Hey man. You look terrible,” Andy said with a wince three evenings later. He threw his jacket across the back of the couch and sat next to me. “Have you been here all day?”
I scrubbed my hands over my face and through my hair. Its greasiness only confirmed what the odor emanating from my body already suggested. I was ripe. I looked down at my days old, rumpled basketball shorts and t-shirt. “I took a few days off,” I told him around a yawn.
“Dude, there’s this thing called a shower. Maybe you should get acquainted with it. Quick.” He pulled his shirt over his nose and moved off the couch. “If I didn’t know you don’t drink, I’d think you were hitting the bottle pretty hard. What are you doing, man?”
I fisted my hands against my eyes to keep the tears at bay. I kept them there until I was sure the threat had passed, then answered, “I don’t know, man. I can’t seem to get it together. Whenever I close my eyes, I see that little baby lying there. They are so small. Their bodies are so small for all they go through. She didn’t even have a chance at life. And her parents... ” I stopped before the images made the tears fall again.
“Well, you got Sophie calling me now. You need to at least text her to let her know you’re still alive.” He waved a hand in front of his face and wrinkled his nose. “But judging by the way you smell, I’m not sure that’s completely accurate. Open a window.” He moved into the kitchen and I heard him pull something out of the fridge for dinner.
“I can take a hint,” I called in to him. Yet still I sat.
“Basketball in a half hour.” He pointed at me as he moved through the living room and down the hall, a bowl of last night’s dinner in his hand. “Be ready.”
I moaned. His interventions...I knew he meant well, but I had no desire to play ball. Maybe it was time to visit my parents. No. I rejected the idea immediately. They saw too much and then tried to fix me. There was no fixing me. I couldn’t seem to claw my way out of the funk that had settled in my mind and heart. Nothing could take it away. Not basketball. Not even Sophie.
The Heart of the Matter Page 3