by Lara Swann
“Okay.” I say, my voice dull from all the shock and disappointment, my mind still not fully caught up.
He gives me a small, hopeful smile and nods.
“Thanks Jess, you’re the best.”
I don’t feel like the best, but I nod back as he backs up and turns for the door. When he gets to it, he pauses with one hand on the doorway, glancing back.
“And I really do understand, whatever your answer. I’m not…you don’t have to do anything, Jess, I don’t want to pressure you. Just…please consider it.”
He disappears before I can answer and I slump down onto my desk, burying my head in my arms.
If only he knew just how fiercely I considered it…for just a few moments…and the wild, elated energy that shot through me as I did.
I groan, and it feels like it takes me a long time until I manage to pull my body upright again and glance over to the half-completed patient notes, my heart heavy.
Well. Not going to be finishing that today.
I switch the computer off instead, gathering up my bag and packing things away in a distracted, exhausted kind of daze. The only thing I want right now is to get home and collapse from the emotional upheaval that today has been.
* * *
Over the next few days, I deliberately avoid Nathan. I think he knows I’m doing it too - or at least, he seems to be going out of his way to give me space.
Despite my conviction that it would be an absolutely terrible idea, I can’t get his offer out of my head and time passes almost in a daze as my mind circles over it. I know that what I need to do is go to him and turn him down for good - that’s the only way to finally be done with this stupid temptation - but somehow…I can’t bring myself to do it.
The thought of letting him down like that and giving up everything he’s offering feels physically painful, so I find myself…putting it off.
Damn him for not taking ‘no’ for an answer the first time round.
I’m still sitting at my desk at the end of the day, not working - I’ve barely done any extra work the last few days - but just trying to talk myself into walking down the hallway to the office I know is still occupied and giving Nathan the answer he needs, when my phone rings.
I reach for it in relief, more grateful than I should be for the distraction.
Maybe by the time this is done, he’ll have left already and then…
“Sorry for interrupting.” Mom says, jolting me out of the thought. “Are you still at work?”
“Umm…no?” I offer, looking at the door I’ve been trying to leave through for the last half hour.
“Hm.” Mom’s obviously unconvinced. “That sounds like you’re at work.”
That’s definitely at least part accusation, but I’m used to that. It’s not I don’t know she wishes I’d work less.
“I’ve just finished up here.” I say instead, unconcerned. “You’re not interrupting anything. I was just about to head home.”
“You always say that.” She points out. She’s also probably right.
“I actually am this time.” I say, slightly amused. “Anyway, is everything okay? What were you calling about?”
There’s no use arguing about how much I work - but at least the fact that Mom got distracted by it tells me that this isn’t some kind of emergency call. I might only have received a few of those, but it’s enough that every time Mom’s ID flashes up on my phone, I get a spike of anxiety.
“Ohh, yes. I just wanted to tell you I’ve made some plans for my birthday next month - and check you’re still coming? It’s the weekend of the twelfth—”
“I know when your birthday is, Mom.” I say, smiling knowingly. No matter how good I get at running my own life, Mom still somehow feels like she needs to remind me of dates and events the same way she did when I was a kid. “Of course I’m coming, that sounds wonderful. What did you have planned?”
“I thought I’d get everyone together - all of us and a few of my friends - and we’d all go out for dinner. Probably that nice Italian place we’ve got nearby - you remember, don’t you?”
“Yes—”
“That’s good, so yes, I’ll book that - and then afterward anyone who wants to can come back to ours for a few more drinks and to chat a bit longer. I assume you’ll be staying over—”
“Yes, definitely. It sounds—”
“Oh good. That’s perfect then.”
I smile. I can already tell she’s excited for it, and it’s nice to hear. Mom’s birthdays always go one of two ways - she either doesn’t like acknowledging she’s getting older and refuses to make a fuss, or she takes full advantage of the excuse to get all the people she loves together. I’m glad that this year it’s the latter.
“Good. That sounds great Mom, I’m looking forward to it.”
“Good. Good…me too, Jessica.” She repeats, and then there’s a slight pause. “Oh, and also…I thought you might want to know I’m inviting Harriet and her son Thomas too. They’re our new neighbors - well, sort of new. They moved in a couple of years ago, but we’ve only recently started getting to know them and they seem lovely. I thought it would be nice.”
“Um, okay.” I say. I’m not exactly sure why she’s telling me. I know a few of Mom’s long-standing friends quite well, but there are always a few different faces at these gatherings. Mom never usually discusses who she’s going to invite.
“Thomas in particular - now, we don’t know him well, but he’s the sort of guy I’d love to see more of. He seems so sweet, just dotes on Harriet, and…”
It suddenly hits me.
“Wait—Mom, no. Wait. This isn’t a set-up, is it?”
“No, of course not, don’t be silly.” She says, in a tone of voice that very much undermines the words. “I just thought you might be interested in hearing a bit about him, that’s all. It doesn’t hurt for you to meet a few new people every now and then—”
“Mom. That all sounds exactly like a set-up.” I’m flushing bright red, even though I’m alone here in my office. Somehow, even at thirty-two, my Mom still has the ability to totally embarrass me. You can’t do that—”
“I’m not doing anything. I’m just trying to help.” She protests, totally contradicting herself as she does.
“No. Absolutely not. I told you, I’m not interested in any of that. I’m not going to spend an evening pretending that I might be for some poor guy who’s probably been roped into this by his mother. Not even for your birthday.”
“Jessica—” Her tone is reproachful, but I’m not having any of it.
“You have to un-invite him.” I insist.
“I can’t do that—that would be rude, Jessica. Besides, what’s the harm in talking to the guy?”
“Because—because there’s already someone else I’m interested in.”
It slips out before I can think better of it, born of frustration and far too many thoughts about Nathan’s offer over the last few days.
Oh…crap.
“What?!” Mom’s overly interested response has my head dropping into my hand, and I groan internally.
“Nothing. Look, just…un-invite this guy, okay?”
“You can’t nothing me, Jessica. Not after you say something like that—”
“Damn it, Mom, can you just be a little less interested in my private love life? Please.”
It can’t be healthy. Or appropriate. Right?
If only I didn’t know quite so many other female doctors having exactly the same issue with their parents.
“But—”
“Okay, fine. I don’t know, alright? There’s just…someone I’m interested in, and…”
What the hell. Might as well go all the way now.
“…and maybe I was thinking that I might invite him along next month, or something. I don’t know—”
I wince at her exclamation on the other end of the phone.
“I don’t know, Mom. It depends how it goes. It might be nothing at all. But I don’t want the pressur
e that this other random guy you’ve invited might be there too and—”
“No, no. Don’t worry about that. I’ll fix that, I promise. Jessica, you didn’t tell me any of this. Of course your new boyfriend is welcome—anytime. Oh, Jessica—”
“Mom, stop it, please. He’s not my boyfriend. Not yet anyway, so can you please just—”
“Of course. Of course. I won’t say another word about it.” She says, something I doubt very much, but at least she’s said it. “I’ll just leave you to it. I just didn’t realize you were actually—I’m sorry, Jessica, I obviously got this all wrong. I thought you weren’t even looking, but—ohh, this is great news.”
“Mom.”
“Right, right. Of course. Well, I’m looking forward to seeing you next month, Jessica. And maybe someone else too.” She says, and I can hear her beaming smile in her voice. “Okay, sweetheart, I’ll talk to you soon. And…good luck with it all.”
I try not to sigh as she signs off. I think I almost feel guilty that she’s obviously so happy about this. I didn’t realize my temporary abstinence had been worrying her that much. Of course, that’s swamped by my total infuriation that she decided to resort to that - and then the mortification of what I’ve just done in response.
I let out the long groan I’ve been holding back and close my eyes.
Well, I guess I’ve got no choice now.
If I can play Nathan’s wife for him, then he sure as hell can play my boyfriend.
Somehow, that’s the corner I’ve backed myself into. I try not to let myself wonder too much about how that happened - whether maybe some part of me did it deliberately - and turn my mind to what I need to do instead.
Maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe you can maintain perspective and get through this without too much emotional turmoil. Hell, maybe being ‘pretend married’ to each other will finally cure this damned crush.
And it might even fix this ridiculous situation with Mom for good...it sounded like maybe all she really wants is for me to show I’m trying. If I give her a relationship attempt…even if it ultimately fails…maybe she’ll finally get off my back with all this stuff.
There are probably too many ‘maybes’ here, but it doesn’t matter anymore - it’s too late to turn back now.
I surge out of my chair and finally complete the walk down the hallway that I’ve been dreading - only to find it’s actually filled with an odd sense of anticipation.
I knock on Nathan’s door and enter before he can say anything, needing to get it all out in that very moment.
I look him square in the eye. “Okay, I’m in. I’ll do it.”
Chapter Four
Jessica
“O kay, how about this one?” I ask, holding up an elegantly cut midnight blue dress, with silver trim along the shoulders and neckline.
“Yeah, that looks great!” Ashley says enthusiastically.
It’s the same answer she’s given for the last three dresses I’ve shown her, ever the supportive friend. I can’t fault her for that, but I’m not exactly sure it’s helping. I’m also getting the impression she doesn’t understand why this is taking so long - though if I’m honest, I don’t understand why either.
“Are you sure?” I ask, taking another look at it as I bite my lip. “It’s appropriate, you think? Not too…somber?”
“No, it’s lovely.” She reassures me, then gives me an exasperated look. “It’s your wedding, Jess - you can wear whatever you want!”
“Fake wedding.” I correct her. “And who knows what the dress code is for something like that.”
“Probably no-one.” She agrees. “But okay then, so what’s he wearing?”
“I have no idea.” I say, groaning slightly and letting the dress drop back onto the bed, alongside all the others.
Somehow, what we’re wearing to the wedding never made it onto the list of things we’ve been discussing over the last week to make this work.
That’s exactly the problem, too. I know I’m massively over-thinking this, but I just don’t want to misjudge it. I mean, what if I turn up in a nice dress, while he’s just rocking casual jeans and looking to sign the paperwork? What does that say about my intentions? Or if I play it safe and go low-key, only to find he’s dressed up for it?
Crazy as it might sound, I want to start this off right - and by ‘right’, I mean on the same page as Nathan. The way I figure it, so long as we’re both approaching this in the same way, it shouldn’t be too hard to maintain the right mindset about it.
That doesn’t stop the occasional flare of anxiety that I won’t be able to make it through this - or worse, I’ll let something slip and ruin our working relationship for good - but so far, I’ve been able to control those thoughts.
We’ve worked together for years already, after all, and that’s been fine. This is just a different kind of working arrangement…how hard could it be?
“Okay, screw it. I’m going with this one.” I finally say, picking the blue dress back up again. I like it and maybe I want to dress up a little if I’m going to get married. It doesn’t have to mean anything. “I can’t spend any more time figuring it out or I’m going to be late to my own wedding.”
“That’s considered traditional, you know.” Ashley points out.
“Yeah, because traditional is what we’re really going for here.” I laugh at her. “Maybe if I was going in for the long white gown and slow, stately walk down the aisle…but I’m pretty sure if I’m late here, Nathan might have a heart attack.”
She laughs and shoos me towards the bathroom to get changed. When I come out, she makes all kinds of appropriate ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ and insists on helping me with my hair and makeup, even though - again - this isn’t really a wedding. We’re meeting at City Hall, signing some papers and that will be that.
One day, maybe I’ll have a real wedding with all the bells and whistles and some actual meaning to it, but this isn’t that. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t have much sentimental attachment to the concept, or maybe it would be a little harder to go through with making my first and supposed-to-be-only wedding and marriage a purely transactional affair.
Still, I can’t help appreciating the attitude Ashley is taking towards it anyway.
“Thank you, Ashley.” I say, turning to look at her when she’s finally done. “Really. I appreciate you going through all this with me.”
“Don’t be silly.” She says with a smile. “It’s not often I get invited to a fake wedding. In fact, I might never have this opportunity again in my life!”
I laugh, grinning at her as we get ready to leave. I don’t know whether she can sense my slight anxiety or she’s just having fun for the sake of it, but either way, her light-hearted comments are definitely helping. It’s probably ridiculous that I’m getting the pre-wedding jitters for a wedding that doesn’t really mean anything, but I can’t help feeling a little nervous.
It makes so much difference having her with me - and to have someone I can confide in about this whole situation, too. As a principle, we’re telling as few people as possible about the marriage - and almost no-one about the nature of it - but we still needed two witnesses. It’s only fair I got to pick one of them.
I might not have the most conventional group of friends to choose from - going through med school followed by a sometimes-crazy work schedule has meant that a many of them slowly dropped away - but with Ashley at least it’s always been easy. We went through med school together and then were lucky enough to end up in residencies near each other, and since we both know exactly what those kinds of pressures are like, we’re very respectful of one another’s time and energy levels. The last thing either of us wants is to be an additional burden.
That means it’s the kind of friendship where we probably spend more time canceling plans than actually seeing each other, but with Ashley, that never matters. It doesn’t change just how close we are, and there’s no question that we’d be there for each other in a heartbeat if it was nee
ded - as today proves.
I text Nathan to let him know we’re leaving as Ashley starts driving us down toward City Hall. It’s not far but I promised him I would, just so he doesn’t start thinking I’m going to bail.
That’s something new and different for us, too. Messaging. It feels slightly strange, but it’s not a bad thing. We’ve always been pretty good at the practice about creating a separation between work and our private lives, so it’s not something we’ve ever done before, but now…well, I guess it makes sense.
“Okaaay. Ready to marry the man of your dreams?” Ashley jokes, looking over at me with a grin as she pulls up at City Hall.
“I—what?” I ask, shock jolting through me and my heart rate spiking as I look over at her. I might have told Ashley a lot, but I haven’t mentioned anything about that.
“Heyy, relax Jess.” She says, misinterpreting my sudden panic. “This is just a formality, remember? I mean, yeah, I can’t speak for what you’re getting yourself in for here, but you shouldn’t be worried about the ceremony. And I’m not going to lie - if someone offered me a full partnership at a successful practice, I’d be all over it too. Just think of that if you’re having any last-minute nerves. The way I see it, all the risk here is his.”
“Yeah. Sorry. You’re right.” I say, barely registering her attempts at reassurance as I try to take a few deep breaths and calm down. It was just a joke. She was just making light of the situation. She doesn’t actually know…
“Ready to go, then?” She asks, and I nod.
“Yeah. It’s now or never, I guess.” I offer her a smile, wanting to reassure her that I’m not really having any doubts here.
“Great!” She swings open the door and I follow suit, looking around to see if I can recognize Nathan’s car in the parking lot.
“Jess!”
I hear Nathan’s voice before I see him, not mistaking the slight relief in it, and turn around to see him striding towards me.
“Nathan.” I smile as he approaches, my eyes flickering over him in appreciation.
Wow. Okay, I’m glad I wore this dress.