Single Dad's Wife (Fake Marriage Romance)

by Lara Swann

  And my gut churns as I really, really hope I can keep all those promises. But I have to believe that. I’m lost if I don’t.

  The rest of the time, I throw myself into doing anything I can think of that might help her over the next few weeks. I make lists of all her favorite toys and things she absolutely has to take with her, so that I can pack them all last-minute on Sunday morning.

  Then I start writing down all of our routines. All the things she likes and dislikes. The best ways to get her to respond well to something, or do something you want. All the little habits we’ve developed over the last few years, the things that make her laugh and cry, the things she’s used to. Everything I can possibly think of, compiling it all into a kind of guidebook, I guess. Anything that Stephanie might use to give her some kind of familiarity - to ease her into this terrifying new situation.

  It’s one of the hardest things I think I’ve ever done - reliving all these little moments, all the things that makes my girl precious and unique and special - writing down all our little routines…for someone else to do with her. All the things I’m not going to be a part of anymore, that I’m giving over to someone else…

  My chest tightens up almost the whole time I’m writing it, staying up late as I pour out absolutely everything I can think of, and tears burn at my eyes more than once, but I push on anyway.

  This isn’t about me. It’s about Emma.

  By the time Sunday finally arrives, I’m drained and exhausted and so heartsick that I’m not sure there will be anything left of me once this is finally over.

  Except there has to be. You still have to fight for her. You have to be there. You have to see her every moment you can, and fix this thing.

  Jessica drives us over to Stephanie’s, purely so that I can curl up with Emma in the backseat, holding her to me as best I can. She’s sobbing quietly in my arms, her favorite stuffed toy rabbit - named Bunny - pressed up against her mouth, but at least she’s not screaming anymore. Over the last week she’s grown more and more subdued, until it’s almost painful to see the hurt, glum expression that’s replaced her usual spark and mischief.

  “Okay, munchkin.” I say softly, as Jessica pulls up. “We’re here.”

  Emma just hiccups slightly against me. I push her hair back from her tear-streaked face and kiss her forehead gently.

  “You know Daddy loves you so, so much, baby girl.” I say, my heart aching. “More than anything in the world. You’re going to have to be a brave, strong girl for me now, but I promise it won’t be forever. I’m going to find a way to fix this, okay?”

  She doesn’t say anything, just cuddling up against me, and I sigh to myself as I hold her.

  “I love you, Emma. I’ll always be your Daddy.”

  She has to know that. She has to know I love her and I’m not just abandoning her, that I’m here…

  She mumbles against me a little, sounding upset, and eventually I realize I’m not going to get anything more out of her - that this isn’t helping and it’s hardly fair for me to expect her to reassure me.

  I just have to trust that she knows.

  “Okay.” I say, kissing her forehead again. “Let’s go, munchkin.”

  I get out of the car and go around the other side to help her out, bundling her up in my arms. Then I go around to the trunk and lift out the box of all her most important things, balancing it against my hip with the folder I’ve put together sitting on top. I’ll come around later with all her clothes and most of her lesser used toys, but these were the things I didn’t want her to be without for a moment.

  Jessica doesn’t join us as I walk over to Stephanie. She’s been wonderful the last week, helping out wherever she can and taking care of everything at work for me, but she only came to drive us over. This is between Stephanie, Emma and I. I would have asked Mom for the help instead, but I’d be more than a little worried she’d pick a fight with Stephanie and that’s the last thing Emma needs right now.

  Stephanie is there waiting for us at the front porch of her house - a tasteful, expansive property with a wrap-around garden that seems far too big for one person - and I unlatch the gate and walk up the path toward her with a heavy heart.

  “No, Daddy, no.” Emma says, starting from some of her stupor as she sees the house.

  I set her down on the ground in front of Stephanie, dropping the box beside me.

  “It’s okay, munchkin. It’s going to be okay.” I say, trying to soothe her. “Mommy will look after you, and I’ll be back in a few days to see you and how you’re settling into your new house.”

  I try to make it sound exciting, but the attempt feels pathetic when I look at her tear-stained face.

  “Yeah.” Stephanie says, her voice soft and soothing too as she comes to crouch down beside us. “It’s going to be okay, Emma. We’re going to have a fun time here.”

  “But…but…”

  “Shhh…” Stephanie says. “It’s okay. I’ve got you. Your Mommy loves you very much too, you know.”

  Emma sniffles, not quite looking at Stephanie, and I’m grateful that Stephanie seems to appreciate this isn’t going to be easy, at least. She’s obviously trying to be gentle about it. Then she glances up at me, her expression becoming a little more stiff as she nods.

  “Thanks.” She says quietly, keeping her voice deliberately even. “I think we can take it from here.”

  I look back at her, surprised that not even my usual flare of anger flickers to life. I guess I’m too exhausted for that - and I’ve got Emma to focus on right now. I won’t let us make this even more difficult for her.

  “Okay. These are all her favorite toys here - I’ll drop off everything else later.” I say, then my hand hovers over the folder on top and I glance back at her, meeting her eyes. “I put together a list of our usual routines, things she likes, doesn’t like, that kind of thing. It might be…easier…if there’s some familiarity to her day.”

  Stephanie looks skeptical, and I can see the stony stubbornness behind it. I hold back a sigh.

  Of course she takes that as me trying to control things.

  “Just take it. You don’t have to use it, or do anything the way we did, but just in case you might want it later. This isn’t as easy as it looks, you know.”

  Hell, I wouldn’t have even said it looked easy, either.

  She hesitates, but then finally nods. “Okay. Fine. Now…”

  “Yes. Okay.” I turn back to Emma, who’s still standing looking confused and upset between us, and lean forward to hug her tightly.

  “I’ll see you very soon, Emma. I love you so much.” I kiss her again, breathing her in as I cling onto everything I can of her. She wraps her arms around me and squeezes me back tightly.

  “Daddy, don’t…”

  “Be good for me, okay, sweetie? You’re going to be okay.” I tuck her hair back behind her head, then finally gentle disentangle her arms and stand to step back.

  “Come on.” Stephanie says, her voice deliberately bright as she picks Emma up. “Let me show you your room, hmm? I’ve had it done specially for you, and it’s huge.”

  She smiles broadly at Emma, but Emma is still looking back at me, her face scrunched up tight.

  “Daddy—Daddy—”

  Stephanie starts walking with her towards the house and she twists in her arms, reaching out for me.

  “Daddyyyy! Daddyyy, please! Don’t goooo!” She starts yelling, crying out for me, and my heart twists inside me as I force myself not to rush forward - not to take her from Stephanie and whisk her away home, courts be damned.

  Instead, my ex tries to hush and soothe her, but it works about as well as my efforts have all week - which is to say, not at all. She walks her quickly into the house, trying to distract her with the newness of it all, but even after they disappear and the door closes behind them I can still hear Emma inside.

  I take a deep, shaky breath and force myself to take a step backward, everything inside me feeling like it’s crumbling to ash.
I almost stumble over the box of Emma’s toys and blink, looking there at it for another few moments. I guess Stephanie will come back out for it once she’s got Emma settled - she was probably right that the less time we drag that parting out for, the better - but…

  I pick it up anyway, taking it all the way to the porch and reluctantly setting it down outside the door. It takes me several moments of self-talk not to ring the doorbell and give it to her in person, but I know that would just be for me. Just for one last glimpse of my little girl. It wouldn’t help Emma.

  “It won’t be forever, Emma. I promise. I’m going to fix this.” I say, my voice hoarse and choked as I finally force myself to turn around and walk away.

  I get into the car and Jessica doesn’t say anything as she drives me home. I don’t either. It feels like my whole life has been ripped from me.

  It’s not until we finally get back home and I walk numbly into the kitchen, Emma gone and nothing quite left to drive me forwards, that Jessica breaks the silence.

  “I’m so sorry, Nathan.” She says quietly, coming over to stand next to me beside the glass door, looking out onto the garden. “Is there anything I can do?”

  “I…no. There’s nothing anyone can do.”

  I answer automatically, my tone sounding lifeless even to me - and then as she rests her hand over mine, I finally blink, looking over at her. She’s been here all this week and I’ve barely thought about it. I’ve been too distracted by everything else, she’s been busy at the practice, and I think she’s probably deliberately kept out of the way to give Emma and I some space and time together.

  “I…you didn’t need to stay.” I shake my head, trying to think past the hollow emptiness inside me. “I mean, there’s no real need anymore. We’re not fooling anyone with this marriage thing, so…I guess we can call it off now. No need to disrupt your life any further.”

  I try to give her a small smile, but I think it comes out more like a grimace. I’m not sure my face can do smile right now.

  She starts, her hand dropping away from mine as she pulls back slightly.

  “Yeah…yeah, you’re right. I…I guess I’ll get out of your hair.” She hesitates, then turns to go. “I’ll just…well, I should probably go pack my things then.”

  I didn’t mean it like that.

  I think it, but I don’t say it, the words echoing in my mind instead. Still, I don’t stop her from packing, helping her carry her things out to her car and hesitating there as she loads the last of them.

  “Thank you, Jess.” I say, meaning it despite how terrible everything feels at the moment. I still feel deeply grateful for everything she’s done and given in my attempt to fight this thing, however it worked out in the end. “For doing all of this. You really…came through for me.”

  “I don’t think I helped very much at all.” She says, and I can hear the bitterness in her tone. She still blames herself for that document we signed, but this isn’t on her. The only person to blame here is me.

  “You did.” I shake my head. “This isn’t on you. None of it is your fault.”

  I look off to the side, my mind trailing tiredly over the well-worn thoughts of what might have happened if I’d never accepted George’s suggestion. If I’d held true to what I thought was right.

  “Nathan…” Jessica’s voice draws me back to her and it seems for a moment that she’s going to say something before she sighs, pulling open her car door. “If you need anything, I’m here, okay? Anything at all. You’ll let me know?”

  I nod, but the only thing I need is Emma back here with me. And no matter what I do, I’m not going to get that.

  Not for months, at the earliest.

  I step back and let her drive off, watching her go. It’s not until she’s gone and I’m left alone, walking back into an empty, desolate house - devoid of everything that brought it to life - that I stop to think.

  And wonder why the hell I just let her go too.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Jessica

  T he next couple of weeks are far worse than I ever imagined they would be.

  I’m back in my own apartment, which I’ve always loved before. I’m doing things that fulfill me - that matter to me - which has always been enough before. And yet…I just feel so empty.

  It’s a struggle not to sink into feeling like everything I’m doing is meaningless, even when I try to focus on the conference material that should be really important to me. It’s just over a month away and if I want to have something ready by then, I should be working hard at it now but even that has lost its appeal. I start wishing I’d never called them back and accepted their offer, for all the interest I can summon in putting together a halfway decent presentation.

  It doesn’t help that I can see how badly Nathan is suffering every day at work, too.

  Not from this, of course. I doubt he notices much of anything beyond losing Emma.

  Not that I’m about to argue with that. Whatever I’m going through right now, he has it so much worse.

  We’ve taken to avoiding each other at work - something that’s actively painful - and keeping the many meetings we need to have brief, but every time I see him, he looks more haggard and exhausted than before. His face takes on a haunted expression, one that gets steadily worse with each visitation he has with Emma, and my heart goes out to him every time.

  He seems to alternate between working frantically and sitting there in his office, staring into the distance. I limit his appointments, something he doesn’t argue with, but I can’t bring myself to suggest he should take some time off. I’m not sure what that would do to him right now.

  I want to be there for him so badly - it’s so hard not to stop by his office just to talk or offer some quiet comfort - but I stop myself every time. There’s such a fine line with everything between us right now - colleagues, friends, lovers, that hint of more I’d just started feeling - that I know if I did, it would all blur far too much for me all over again.

  Being that close to him - offering that kind of support - all while missing the relationship we had so badly would be entirely too painful for me to manage. I’m never going to get over him if I start doing that again.

  And I have to get over him, if we’re to have a hope of running this practice together.

  It’s a fucked up situation, sure, and one that I walked right into, but I just didn’t know it would be quite so miserable when it ended. I knew this was going to happen - I’d already accepted - so why the hell can’t I just be done now, the way I wanted?

  Instead, it just seems to become clearer with every passing day how strongly I really feel about him. I knew the crush was dangerous, I knew that I was falling for him towards the end there…but not like this. Not this badly. Now that it’s all over, I can finally admit the truth to myself…I love him. I’m totally and utterly in love with him.

  And that’s a really fucking hard thing to just get over.

  You’ll get there. Eventually. You know you will.

  It’s just clearly not going to be an enjoyable process.

  As the days crawl by, Nathan and I doing this strange dance of trying to pretend that all that very real intimacy between us never existed, the only thing I start regretting is letting it all go so easily. I wasn’t going to. I was going to tell him how I felt - some of it, at least - and ask if he wanted to give us a real go and see what dating would be like. If he still couldn’t face a real relationship after everything he’s been through with Stephanie, or if he was worried about staying professional at work, then fine.

  At least he’d know how I felt. At least I’d know that there was no chance and I could start putting it behind me.

  But that was before he lost custody of Emma. That wasn’t supposed to happen - and the moment it did, it changed everything.

  I couldn’t possibly put all my feelings onto him as well, when he was in the middle of dealing with that. He wanted space and there was no way I was going to deny him that, even if letting him go
without saying a word about it hurt so much.

  There was no way I could have said anything then. Now, though…now it nags at me, like an unfinished thing, a door that’s been opened and not fully closed. It doesn’t feel right that everything between us is suddenly just gone, without him ever knowing how I feel.

  I start wondering whether I’m ever going to get over him if I don’t finish this properly, one way or another, first. That thought boils up inside me every day, until it’s nearly impossible to talk to Nathan without blurting something out and eventually I can’t take it any longer.

  Maybe it’s selfish, but I have to tell him. I’m not the kind of person that can live with a ‘what if’ forever. I can’t stand seeing him everyday, thinking back to what almost was and regretting not speaking up for it when I could have.

  We’re both working late far too often - with Nathan staying much later than me, as if he’s trying to avoid going back to an empty house for as long as possible - and the temptation is there almost every evening, having him just there with no one else around, but so inaccessible while I’m missing him so much.

  I hesitate over it for the longest time, but eventually it gets too much and I find myself pushing out of my chair and storming down the hallway before I can think better of it, my heart thudding in my chest.

  I almost slam right into him as he walks out of his office, adrenaline racing through me too quickly to stop.

  “Jessica!” He catches me, steadying me as I blink up at him, feeling suddenly absurd but determined to push through with this while I still have the nerve. “I was just coming to find you—”

  “Nathan.” I say, catching my breath and stepping back to look up at him. It’s hard to pull myself out of his arms - where I really desperately want to be - but I need to do this properly. Then I blink, surprised as his comment catches up with me. “Wait—you were?”