by Lara Swann
We’ve made an even greater point of avoiding each other when it gets late and we’re the only ones left in the building, despite working on similar admin issues.
“Never mind.” I continue quickly, taking a deep breath. I can’t get derailed here. “Listen, I have to say something. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve tried, and I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear, but I have to at least tell you. Those last few months with you, they were—”
“—perfect.” He says, making me start in surprise. He takes my hands in his and looks at me, the intensity of his gaze sending sudden shivers through me. “That’s what I was coming to talk to you about. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to say it—to realize—but with everything that’s happened, I haven’t been thinking clearly. The last few weeks have been awful, Jessica, and losing Emma is the worst thing to ever happen to me—but it’s not just that. I miss her terribly, but I miss you too. It’s not the same without you—without both of you—and I didn’t even realize how good things had gotten before it all fell apart.”
“I—really?” I stare at him, barely able to believe what I’m hearing.
“That wasn’t what you were expecting?” He says, his voice lightening a little as he gives me a small smile that shocks me almost as much as what he just said.
I don’t think I’ve seen him smile once since the custody trial, and it makes my heart thud hard to see it. Sure, it might be faint - in a face that still looks worn and exhausted - but it’s there, in his eyes too.
“No.” I say, shaking my head, still not quite believing it. “I came to tell you the same thing, fully expecting you to tell me you’d made it perfectly clear that you weren’t interested in anything more, so that I could finally put the ‘what ifs’ to bed and start getting over you.”
That startles a small laugh out of him and he steps forward, his hand reaching up to run through my hair and cup my head, the way he’s done so many times before.
“Please don’t do that.” He says, his voice rumbling warmly. “I don’t want you getting over me, Jessica, since I’m more sure every day just how much I love you.”
My head jerks up at that, looking at him with wide eyes, and he gives me another small smile.
“I love you, Jessica. I think I’ve been in love with you for a while now.” He says, repeating it as if knowing I need that somehow. “I never should have let you leave that day. I’m sorry.”
“I…I…” I try to say it back, to tell him how I feel, but before I get the chance his mouth closes on mine, warmth rising through me as I respond desperately.
His arms wrap around me, holding me close as our mouths move frantically, his tongue tangling with mine as I melt into him. When he finally pulls back, I’m left breathless and aching, alive in a way I feel like I haven’t been since that awful day in court.
“I love you too, Nathan, I…” I gasp, trying to find the words as emotion swells through me, choking me up until I can barely talk anymore. I hold onto him and his arms tighten around me, surrounding me with the warmth and embrace I’ve been missing for what feels like forever. “Oh god, I’ve missed this…so much.”
Just like that, I find myself actually crying, gasping slightly as I bury my head against him and breathe in everything I’ve missed. I’m not sure whether it’s from relief and happiness or devastation at everything that’s happened—at all the messed up emotions I haven’t quite dealt with recently—but either way it feels absurd.
“I’m s-sorry.” I say, trying to get my breathing back under control, still clutching him like this might all suddenly vanish all over again.
“Don’t be.” He says, his tone gentle. “Shh…it’s okay. I’ve got you, Jessica.”
Somehow, that just makes it worse, the gasping sobs coming again as it feels like my whole body convulses around my messed up, confused emotions.
For fuck’s sake. The man you’ve loved for years tells you he loves you too…and this is how you react?!
“This is…it’s…it’s stupid for me…me to be upset…when you’re the one…who…who…”
Nathan shakes his head, one hand running through my hair and comforting me softly.
“And you’re the one who was there for me that whole time, strong enough that you never asked for anything in return. It’s okay, Jessica. Life has been shit for me recently, but that doesn’t mean that it hasn’t for you too. I’m here for you. I want to be.”
“Ohh, god…” I groan, as that brings on a fresh wave of emotion.
He holds me through it as I slowly recover, murmuring too-nice things, more patient and understanding than I could ever have guessed and I realize for the first time just how good this feels - for it to be real. Unashamedly so. No hidden agendas or uncertainty. Intimacy without the hesitation, without the denial.
Like we’re finally being open about this. No more barriers.
“Come home with me tonight—right now.” Nathan murmurs softly, as my body finally starts to calm in his arms. “I want you back, Jessica. I don’t want to stop what we were doing. Forget all the marriage stuff—I don’t want to think about any of that—I just want you, separate from all of that. Let’s make something real this time.”
I nod, my heart swelling in my chest as I look up at him. I can feel my eyes still shining slightly, my smile slightly watery but oh so real as I take in everything about him. Nathan Blake. Everything I could ever ask for.
“That’s what I want. That’s all I’ve wanted for…a long time. I love you too, Nathan.”
I don’t tell him quite how long, and he just smiles back at me, leaning forward to kiss me again before we finally leave the practice behind for the evening.
When we get home - and it is home, it became that frighteningly quickly for me - we barely make it through the door before we’re all over each other again, far too much pent up emotion to possibly contain.
Nathan kicks the door closed behind us, turning to take my head in his hands again and kissing me passionately, like the car journey was far too long to wait. I meet him in kind, running my hands through his hair and pushing back against him until we’re banging into the wall. He laughs slightly, but it’s a coarse, dangerous sound and it sets my blood alight.
I press up harder against him as his hand slides straight up under my blouse, skimming across my skin and heading straight for my bra as I moan, bucking against him and nibbling at his lips, his day-old stubble brushing against me as we kiss. He starts walking me backward as our hands roam over each other - too needy, too desperate after so long apart - guiding us into the living room as we groan softly against each other.
That’s one thing about Emma not being here. We don’t have to be so careful. We can make a little noise, roam over the house…and we take advantage of that, neither of us thinking to head upstairs to the bedroom. Sure, the reason we can do this might be awful, but that doesn’t mean enjoying a little of the freedom has to be too. It’s too good to waste the opportunity - and it takes me by surprise just how good this feels, being out in the open with it all now.
I enjoyed the sneaking around at first - it was fun and exciting - and towards the end I guess I didn’t think about it much, but now I realize just how liberating it is to be open about our desire. It makes this feel so much more real - like we’ve got nothing to hide, and we’re more than just an illicit secret in the night, something to cover up and pretend isn’t happening.
It gives me a rush of desire quite unlike anything else I’ve felt with Nathan so far—even on top of the desperate ache at having been apart for so long.
By the time we get into the living room, Nathan has my bra undone under my blouse and I’ve got his belt half-off. His rough palm is cupping my breast, his thumb stroking over the nipple and making me gasp as electricity shoots through me. We’re trying to undress each other as we move, kissing hard and fast and laughing as we stumble back, hands tugging desperately at each others’ clothes.
He gets my blouse over my head, his hea
d dipping immediately to kiss that sensitive spot between my neck and shoulder, as I moan and disentangle my bra, letting it slip away before I start pulling his belt out from his pants, then get to work on his shirt buttons.
“Fuck, Nathan, I’ve missed this…” I breathe, stumbling up against the couch behind me as my hands slip inside his now-open shirt, running along his skin and enjoying the delicious sight of Nathan’s strong, rugged appearance with the shirt billowing open like that.
“Me too.” He growls against my skin. “So fucking much.”
He presses forward until I’m falling back over the side of the couch, letting out a slight laugh as I land on my back, looking up at him in front of me. Strong, imposing…so fucking hot. He grins at me, and the desire in his eyes sends shivers down my spine, even as my legs try to wrap around his hips and entice him forward.
He doesn’t waste any time, following within moments to crawl on top of me, his eyes hungry as he gazes at my chest, mouth immediately lowering to lick and suck at my nipples. I gasp, arching up into him as my legs settle around his hips, tugging him further towards me. I run my hands through his hair - holding him there - encouraging him, while my head arches back into the couch and I close my eyes, just enjoying it. I squirm against him with every flick of his tongue, the bulge pressing against me obvious in his half-open pants, tempting and teasing me as the pulsing need in me builds higher and higher.
“Nathan…fuck, Nathan…” I groan. I want him so badly I can barely think.
He groans an answer against me, his own hips starting to move as if he can’t quite control himself, can’t wait…I don’t want him to wait. Fuck it, I don’t want the kind of wait we’ve just had ever again in my life.
“Nathan…” I mutter, insistent, reaching down to pull his pants down further as he ravishes my chest with shudder-inducing attention. I want more. So much more.
He follows my motion, reaching back to tug them down himself and letting his thick cock finally spring free. I moan as I see it there, red and pulsing for me, and lift my hips to finally get rid of my pants too. Nathan chuckles against me, kissing slowly up from my breasts to my neck, finally meeting my mouth in a clash of heat and passion as we wriggle around on the couch like a couple of teenagers, trying desperately to get my pants out of the way. I finally kick them off and he laughs, a deliciously dark sound as he levers himself up and looks down along my body.
I moan at the hungry look in his eyes, encouraging him back down to meet me and kissing him hard. I want him so badly right now. He shifts us both up along the couch, giving us a little more room before finally grabbing for my hips, moving my whole body with one easy motion until I’m just underneath him.
“Oh fuck.” I mutter. “Fuck, yes.”
“You know how hot you are right now, Jessica?” He mutters, looking down at me and drinking in every moment of this. “How much I need you?”
“Ohhh.” I shudder at the way he says that, electricity surging through me at the energy between us.
“So much. So fucking much.” He says, positioning himself until I can feel the hot head of his cock against me, eager wetness leaking out around him.
“I love you, Nathan.” I say—just as he takes my hips and thrusts hard into me, making my eyes widen as everything in me lights up in pleasure. I gasp, throwing my head back as I revel in that full, stretched feeling, my body pulsing around him as he groans deeply and starts moving inside me almost immediately, settling into a hot, fast rhythm.
“I love you too, Jessica.” He says, lowering his head to catch my mouth in his. I grab onto it, holding him to me as we kiss and writhe together, our bodies moving in time with each other, hips crashing against each other as he thrusts harder and deeper inside me. I can’t get enough of him. Any part of him. I want it all.
“Fuck me…” I mutter, enjoying the freedom to fully indulge in it. “Take me…god damn, Nathan…want this so much…”
“…you’re so fucking hot…” He says, almost in time to his thrusts, holding me tightly against him and giving me everything he has. “Can’t…stop…need…this…”
His hand drops to cup my breast, teasing and tweaking my nipple and making me groan in pleasure as sparks light up inside me, my center growing hotter and more needy with every stroke. I can feel him pulsing inside me, stretching me and driving me higher and higher towards everything I need. I urge him on, breathing heavily as our movements get quicker and quicker, more urgent, every motion feeling perfect as that delicious tension builds inside me, getting tighter and tighter as he doesn’t let up, not for a moment…
“Please…c’mon…need…aahhhhh!”
I scream as I soar over the edge, not trying to quiet myself for a moment as I give into the wave of pleasure that explodes through me as I clench down on him, my pussy squeezing and pulsing around his hard throbbing cock as he thrusts, carrying me through the climax and beyond, continuing with a groaning, intent expression until the aftershocks mingle, combine, grow together and…
“Fuuuuuckk….” I cry out again as he lets go with one hard, deep thrust, exploding within me and carrying me over the edge again as he does.
My head drops to the couch, my vision going white as every nerve in my body stands on end, sensation rippling through me and leaving me totally, utterly gone. Spent. Done. Floating and happy in a way that doesn’t even feel real.
He collapses beside me and I barely notice as he wraps me up in his arms, kissing my sweat-stained hair and shuddering himself in the aftermath of his climax. I curl into him, feeling limp and lethargic…and so fucking good.
“Fuck, Nathan…” I murmur, as I slowly start coming back to myself, softly kissing the chest that’s right in front of me, just because it’s him, because I want to touch him and enjoy him every moment I can. I can still scarcely believe…
“Fuck indeed.” He responds, a hint of amusement in his voice as he tilts my head up towards him. “God, Jessica, I don’t think I’ve seen anything like that…”
“I don’t think I’ve felt anything like that.” I say, still slightly gone. I don’t really want to talk. I just want to curl up and enjoy being in his arms again, everything I’ve been missing these last few weeks finally fully sated.
As if reading my mood, he’s quiet for a while and we just lie there together, letting our breathing even out again as our bodies slowly recover from the intensity of…of…whatever that was. Fucking hell.
“Hey, look where we ended up.” Nathan says eventually, as I feel like I’m just beginning to come down from that high, glancing around before his warm eyes return to me. “Just like the first time. Couldn’t wait long enough to get anywhere else…”
I blink, and it takes a moment for my still-dazed mind to work out what he means - and then I remember. The first time we had sex, crazy and wild and impossible to resist, we ended up on the couch then too…
I smile as I think about it. I think I like that.
This is like the first time. It feels like that - like a first. Only this is the first of something so, so much greater.
“…does come with some downsides, though.” Nathan adds, and I belatedly notice the way his arm is crushed against the couch to try to hold me. “C’mon, let’s get somewhere more comfortable.”
Before I can really think about it, he’s rolling off the couch and lifting me up with him, in one smooth motion that takes me by surprise. I laugh slightly, my legs curling around his hips and squirming there a little, as I notice the delicious bulge that’s just under my totally bare pussy.
He groans slightly, holding me closer. “Hey now, if you start doing that…”
I just grin at him, the sparkle in my eyes making my intentions clear enough that he laughs, and I throw my arms around his neck, leaning in to kiss him as he walks us slowly up the stairs, carrying me to bed in a way that seems utterly romantic to me right now. But maybe that’s just my mood. I’m pretty sure he could do anything right now, and I’d find it romantic.
I just love that I finally get to use that word when it comes to him - romantic. We have an actual romance now. Or the start of one, anyway. It still makes me feel dazed and floaty, just thinking of it.
“I’m so glad I’ve got you back with me.” He murmurs as he lays me down on the bed, both of us snuggling up next to each other only a moment later.
“Me too.” I sigh softly, curling into his body and feeling so grateful that tonight, I won’t be sneaking back to my bedroom at some ungodly hour of the morning.
It can be real, now. Actually real.
“Now, if only getting Emma back could be so easy…or so enjoyable.”
I look up to see the serious set to his expression and cup his face gently, my heart going out to him. At least now, some of the desolate, haunted look has faded from his face - and I can see the determination in his gaze. It fills me with a burst of sudden confidence.
“It will happen, Nathan.” I say, believing every word. “I know it will.”
Chapter Nineteen
Jessica
A fter that, I move back into Nathan’s place. For good.
To pursue a real relationship.
I can hardly believe it’s actually happening, but it is, and knowing that everything is open and honest between us now feels better than I could have imagined. I hadn’t realized just how much I was holding back because it didn’t feel appropriate before, but now I can finally express everything I feel.
We agree to ignore the marriage thing for now. We have no idea what we’re going to do about that, but we don’t want it getting in the way. We want to do this properly, from the beginning…only with a little bit of a jump start, I guess. I don’t think either of us considered not going straight back to living with each other. Right now, we both need that kind of support.
Things still aren’t exactly good - nothing can really be right until Emma is back here too - but they’re so much better than they were, for both of us. I feel like I can finally breathe again, and I think this has finally lifted Nathan out of his fog of misery and despair.