by Lara Swann
He still struggles - particularly after seeing Emma - but I can see the change in him, the energy he has as he throws himself into anything he thinks might help, and pursues a way to make it right. And I finally get to be there for him again - just as he is for me.
I don’t know how you go about starting a relationship in the middle of something like this, but I can’t shake the confidence that we’ll get through it anyway, and being able to support each other will make all the difference.
“I don’t know how things can be so good right now…and yet so bad at the same time.” Nathan says, sighing softly as we lie in bed together, his voice taking on that melancholy, reflective quality that he gets sometimes at nights like this, after he’s spent the evening with Emma. He’s tracing light patterns across my bare skin, and I’m curled in against him. “It seems impossible. I love these moments with you, Jessica. Sometimes I forget everything else, just for a split second, and I actually feel happy again, but then…it comes back to crush me, only with that added guilt for having been happy for a moment. It’s confusing as hell.”
“Don’t try to make sense of it.” I murmur, running my hand lightly through the scattering of hair on his chest. “The world can be a pretty messed up place that way. You’re fighting to fix it…don’t feel bad for whatever gets you through it in the meantime.”
He sighs again, and I glance up at him.
“Was it really that bad?” I ask quietly, my eyes drawn to his face.
“About the same.” He says, hooking an elbow behind his head and staring up at the ceiling, his other arm around me. “She’s still struggling with it all. I’d hoped by now she might be starting to adjust…but she’s still just as upset as the first couple of times I saw her. We get to have some fun together when I can distract her from everything else, but most of the time…she’s either clinging desperately to me and sobbing, or screaming and yelling. I can’t blame her for that - not at all - but I wish I could do something to make it a little easier for her. Appealing the court’s decision looks like it’s going to be a long process and I just—I don’t know what this is going to do to her in the meantime.”
I hear the unspoken ‘if it even works out’ in his voice and look up at him, my worry for the both of them written clearly on my face. He doesn’t sound as distraught about it as he has at times - more sadly resigned and contemplative - he’s been through it enough times now that he can talk about it, but I know seeing Emma like that is eating him up.
“We’re going to get her back, Nathan. We’ll fix this.”
“We?” He asks, tilting his head towards me with a little smile.
I feel myself flushing, glancing away for a moment in sudden embarrassment as I realize what I just said.
“Well, yes. We.” I repeat, meaning it despite all that.
He leans forward, rolling me onto my back and kissing me softly. We’ve been doing more of that lately - soft, tender kisses that I think we avoided before - and every time, he manages to fill me with warmth, making me feel…well…just loved, I guess.
“I love you, Jessica Rivers.” He murmurs, his fingers trailing down my face before he leans back slightly, on his side now. “She asked about you today, you know.”
“What—really?” I look up at him, slightly taken aback.
He nods. “Asked where you were. It’s the first time she seemed to think about it at all. I just said you were busy working, but…well, it made me want to ask her about you joining us sometime, just occasionally.”
I don’t try to hide my surprise. So far, I’ve been careful to find somewhere else to be when Emma comes around to visit - I don’t want to get in the way of his time with her, or confuse her further - and I know how important those precious few hours are to him.
“I didn’t.” He says quietly, his gaze lingering on me. “I wanted to, but…her behavior recently isn’t always the easiest to deal with—”
“You know that wouldn’t matter to me.”
“I know, but it’s not just that. I don’t feel comfortable limiting the one-on-one time she has with me anymore than it already is. I don’t know how badly she might need that right now, and I don’t want to compromise the little stability she does have at the moment.”
“Of course.” I say. I wouldn’t have expected anything else.
“Still, maybe at some point...if Emma wants to as well…” Nathan continues, his tone slightly wistful. “I miss those evenings playing stupid games with you both, or curled up in front of the TV.”
“Me too.” I whisper, my heart rising into my throat. I tried not to think about how they made me feel at the time - there was something about them that was just a little too compelling for that - but I’ve wondered about it since. Those evenings together, playing with Nathan and Emma, it almost felt like I was a part of it…their family. I never let myself think how much I might like that before, but now…I swallow slightly. “I’d really like that.”
He smiles at me, leaning in to kiss me again. I put a little more into it this time, shifting against him until our bodies are pressed close together, his hand roaming down my back and cupping my ass.
“And yes.” He continues, growling softly against my mouth before parting again, lying back and bringing me with him so that my head is resting on his chest and my hair is sprawled across it. “We’ll get her back. I have to believe that, even if George thinks it’s a long shot.”
My stomach tightens at that. I don’t ask anymore about it - I have some idea what it would do to Nathan if George turned out to be right - but I can’t deny the worry is there, in the back of my mind.
“In the meantime, I’m so glad you signed up for that conference.” Nathan says, his smile widening as he looks at me.
He even looks a little excited about the whole thing.
I laugh. “You know, I was dreading the whole thing just a week ago. I think we’ve made more progress on it together in this week than I have in the last month.”
That’s another thing that’s gotten so much better now that we’re properly talking to each other again. I don’t think either of us thought it was a good idea for us to be working closely earlier - and I doubt Nathan was in the right state for it - but now, he’s thrown himself into it. I think a project to distract himself from all his worries about Emma is exactly what he needed, and he’s seized the opportunity with enough enthusiasm to completely reignite my own.
Now, when we stay late at the practice - or bring the work home together over dinner - it’s almost entirely focused on putting together this presentation, rehearsing it, considering any questions that might come up and researching papers for additional comments. The results from the surveys we’ve given out are starting to come back in respectable numbers now, and the initial response has been far more positive than even I expected. I’m quite excited myself to see what other people make of it all.
“Well, I did say I’d help.”
“And I’m very grateful.” I say, kissing his chest lightly, then letting my mouth wander down a little, kissing and nibbling at his skin. His body is just so warm and firm, it’s impossible to resist.
“You’ve really sold me on this now, you know. I’m quite looking forward to a weekend away to talk shop - see how other family practices do things - meet a few new people. I haven’t wanted to do anything like that for years.” He grins at me, and it fills me with warmth to know that I’ve given him some of that. “I used to have all these ambitions for the practice, you know, before…well, I guess before Stephanie started objecting to how much time I was spending on it—and then for a while I was just struggling to survive each passing day, working out how to juggle parenting and managing a practice.”
I nod, though he doesn’t seem as resentful about all that as I’d expect.
“Oh yeah?” I ask, smiling. “What sort of ambitions?”
“You know, I’m not even sure I can remember. Mostly, that I wanted to make some kind of difference.” He laughs. “Maybe this presentati
on will be a way to start with that—and hey, I could come back with some new ideas from the conference myself, after seeing how everyone else is doing something. Maybe we’ll end up making some real changes to the practice after this.”
“Uh-oh.” I say, though I’m grinning. “I’ll have to warn Aaron and Louise.”
“Hey.” He complains, rolling on top of me and kissing me deeply, leaving me sighing and pressing into him. “You’re a partner too, remember? You’re on my side now.”
I look up at him, his eyes sparkling despite the black circles under them and all the back-of-mind concerns we both share at the moment, and feel content in a way that none of the wild passion or sneaking around with this man ever could have given me.
“You know.” I murmur, reaching up to draw him down to me again. “I think I can live with that.”
Yes, getting to be on Nathan’s side is something very special indeed.
Chapter Twenty
Nathan
A s the conference approaches and I start working on it intensively with Jessica, I slowly start feeling a little like my usual self. I’ve still got a lot hanging over me, but I can see and think through it in a way I couldn’t before. It’s enough that I step back into my usual, active role at the practice and finally take the load off Jessica’s shoulders again - something that I know is long overdue.
It doesn’t change any of what is happening with Emma, but it does give me some part of my life that I feel relatively confident and in control about, and I don’t think I realized just how much I needed that. Or how much I needed to be coming home to Jessica each night.
Our evenings might be a little muted at times without my little girl’s laughter and energy to fill them, but they’re so much better than the empty house I suffered through at first. At least now there’s warmth and a little bit of life to them.
We invite Mom over to join us and I’m secretly relieved when she doesn’t say anything about Jessica’s sudden reappearance in my life - at least, not to Jessica. I think she likes her too much to want to stir things up, and she appreciates the company too. We’re all suffering from Emma’s absence.
The conference prep is intensive enough that it distracts me throughout the day and keeps me going, but at other times I can’t stop myself from thinking about the changes I’m seeing in Emma. My bubbly, lively little girl is becoming more withdrawn and subdued with every passing week. I’d hoped she might come out of that as time passed, but if anything it’s getting worse. I’m scared what this might have done to her by the time we get to an appeal.
Every moment I’m not working on the conference with Jessica, I spend reading up on legalize that I barely understand, looking at cases with precedents and trying to find some way to argue for my daughter back. It’s not nearly as promising as I’d like, but I refuse to let myself focus on that. I’ll find something. I have to.
And in the meantime, I’ll do what I can to keep myself sane.
I never thought I’d look forward to a medical conference so much in my life.
In the week leading up to it, Jessica and I spend most of our time practicing for it. Having never attended this conference before, presenting at it feels a little nerve-wracking, but it’s the kind of challenge I love. We’ve got a good presentation now - something I’m genuinely proud of, with great data from Jessica’s surveys - and we rehearse it over and over again. We come up with potential questions we could get - both friendly and adversarial - and interesting discussion points to encourage between attendees, and it’s looking better than I’d ever have expected.
Right up until I get a call from Stephanie.
I pick it up one evening, as we’re taking a break from going through it again.
“Nathan.” Stephanie says, sounding stressed.
“Is everything alright?” I ask immediately, my heart rate ticking up. Every time I get one of these calls, all I can think about is Emma, in someone else’s care… “Did something happen to Emma?”
“No, no, she’s fine. She’s in bed now.” Stephanie says, and I can hear from her voice that she’s pacing up and down.
“Oh, okay.” I pause. “What is it, then?”
I can’t bring myself to be more than barely civil to her at the moment, and that’s only for Emma’s sake. After the stunt she pulled at the trial, and seeing my daughter so unhappy…
“Can you take Emma this weekend?” She asks, getting straight to the point. I stand up straighter, surprised. We haven’t deviated from the arranged visitation once so far. “It’s Tiffany’s birthday in New York and I promised I’d be there. I can’t take Emma out of State, so…”
“This weekend?”
“Yes.”
I feel my heart start to race. There’s no way I wouldn’t jump at the chance to have a little more time with Emma - which Stephanie knows all too well - even if dropping this on me now, because of some birthday party, is more than a little unfair. But…
“I’m out of State this weekend too.” I say, though I can’t help the reluctance. The idea of having a whole weekend, one where she could stay over here properly…though I don’t know what that would do to her either. There was a reason we were supposed to avoid her staying with me for a while.
“Oh.” Stephanie’s surprise - coupled with disappointment - is obvious. “Are you sure? I really need to be there—”
“It’s a birthday party, Stephanie. It’s hardly life or death.” I say, some of my irritation slipping out despite my attempts to control it. “If you’re that desperate, I’m sure you could get childcare.”
Though the idea of a stranger looking after Emma, because I’m not around…
It’s a ridiculous thought, as is the guilt that flashes through me at the same time. There were plenty of times I left her with Mom, or hired Carole to watch her when I needed. It’s just because I haven’t vetted them…
“I’ve tried that.” Stephanie says. “Emma’s behavior at the moment makes that…difficult. The third child-minder I’ve tried quit yesterday. You’re the only one she isn’t acting up for.”
Third? Just how much childcare has Stephanie needed?!
“No, she’s acting up for me too.” I say, and have to bite back the urge to add that’s something that’s totally expected. Still, hearing that makes me even more uncomfortable giving up the chance to spend some more time with her.
What if she really needs it? What if it makes a difference.
Stephanie doesn’t say anything more, seeming to hold her breath on the other end of the line as she waits for my answer, almost as if she knows I’ll capitulate with enough time. That’s infuriating, but…probably also accurate.
“I don’t know, Stephanie. I’ll have to talk to Jessica first.” I finally say, reluctant but halfway resigned too.
Jessica glances at me from across the room as she hears her name, but doesn’t intrude. I give her a small shrug, already feeling guilty that I’m even going to ask.
“Jessica?” Stephanie says, obviously surprised.
“Yeah, we’re attending a health-care conference in Maryland this weekend.” I say, not mentioning that we’re giving our relationship a real go now. After what she pulled at the trial, I have absolutely no interest in talking to her about Jessica—and it’s none of her damn business anyway.
“Oh.” She says. I’m half-waiting for her to make a snide comment about prioritizing my job over Emma, but it doesn’t come. I guess she really does want this favor—that, or she realizes the how hypocritical that would make her birthday party. “Okay. Thank you, Nathan.”
I blink, surprised again by that.
“Yeah, well, I’ll let you know. Bye, Stephanie.”
I hang up before she can say anything else and toss the phone onto the couch with a sigh.
Jessica looks up at me. “Is everything alright?”
I meet her gaze, the guilt increasing as I run a hand through my hair.
We’ve been prepping this for the last few weeks. I was the one that e
ncouraged her to take the opportunity in the first place. I promised I’d be there…
“Uh, no, not exactly…”
She frowns. “What is it? Nathan? Has something happened with Emma?”
I let out a long breath, shaking my head and trying to keep some of the bitterness out of my tone. “Stephanie wants to go to a birthday party this weekend. In New York. She wants me to take Emma. It’s ridiculous, but, well, I’m not entirely sure what she’ll end up doing with Emma otherwise and…”
And I want the time with my daughter.
It shouldn’t be so hard to say that, but I know how important this conference is to Jessica—it feels like I’m choosing Emma over supporting her, which shouldn’t even have to be a thing that enters my mind, but I lived with Stephanie for long enough to start questioning my priorities about everything, feeling judged over every little choice I made…
“Shit. A birthday party?”
“Yeah. Stephanie…likes the social life in New York. I did wonder how well she’d cope living out here. Makes me grateful George got the courts to stop her from moving away, at least.”
Jessica’s eyes suddenly light up. “Wait…this sounds like something that could help, right? With the appeal? If she’s going to leave you with Emma and disappear off to New York for something like that…don’t you think?”
I blink. That hadn’t even occurred to me.
“Shit. Yes. Maybe.” I breathe out, trying not to get carried away with that thought, but it’s hard. “If she’s willing to give up looking after Emma for something like that, and I’m the one who makes time to care for our daughter…”
“And you’ll get the whole weekend with Emma, too.” Jessica adds, smiling. “That’s got to be good for her.”
“But, wait.” I shake my head. I didn’t expect Jessica to start thinking about that. Not when it would disrupt our plans for the weekend so badly. “The conference—”
“Yeah, I know.” Jessica says, not trying to hide her disappointment, but she shrugs it off with more magnanimity than I could have expected. “It’s short notice, but I think they’ll understand if we cancel. It was a last minute thing for them to ask of me, and they seemed to be understanding of that. I can just say we didn’t get it done in time—”