by Lara Swann
“Fine. Just this once, then.” Stephanie says, turning away, before adding over her shoulder in a tired tone. “Thank you.”
I think we’re both a little dubious that I really mean that, but it feels good to say it anyway - and right now, I sure as hell do mean it. It just gets hard when the alternative is leaving her with Stephanie, knowing she’s in this kind of mood about it all.
I watch her go, not bothering to try to continue the discussion any further - she’s obviously impatient to be done with it - but sighing anyway as she drives away. It takes me a few moments to shake off the mood she’s left me in and get back into a fit state to be around Emma again, but when I finally do, I turn back to the house to make the most of the extra time with my daughter.
If anything is going to soothe me, it would be that. With the added bonus of Jessica getting to join us this time, too.
It’s not until after Emma is in bed that I get to talk to Jessica about it properly.
“It’s crazy, Nathan.” She murmurs to me, her eyes worried as they meet mine. “If Stephanie is going to keep passing Emma off onto you like this, surely you can go back to the court and expedite the appeal. It’s not right.”
“I know.” I say, sighing in frustration. “But I’ve talked to George about it and apparently that’s not how these things work. It’s going to make a hell of a difference when it comes time for the appeal, at least—he’s confident about that—but it won’t bring it forward at all. The only thing that would make the courts expedite the process is if Stephanie’s actively putting Emma in danger, but leaving her in my care doesn’t quite count as that.”
I give a half-smile at that, trying to make a joke of it, but it doesn’t land. I feel just about as weary with all this as Stephanie looked earlier.
“It’s a stupid system.” Jessica says, with enough emphasis that I’m starting to think this is affecting her almost as much as me. She reaches out to touch my arm, trying to be comforting. “At least it means you have a real chance at appeal, though. You were worried about that.”
“Yeah.” I say, sighing again. “I know. I should be grateful for that, I know, but…who knows when that’s even going to happen. Apparently they don’t like being too quick about reviewing decisions that have only just been made.”
“Do you think she’s going to keep doing this?”
“I don’t know. I told her I wouldn’t stand for it anymore.” I say, but I’m not very convincing about it. I can see that in her eyes.
Jessica hesitates. “She seemed…I don’t know. She didn’t look good, earlier.”
“I know.” I say, running a hand through my hair. That’s been on my mind today too.
“Maybe…maybe it’s not such a bad thing to have Emma here more often, while we’re waiting for the appeal.” Jessica says. “She seems happier when she’s around you—and you get to spend more time with her.”
“Maybe, but I don’t like that she never knows where she’s going to be—that she never has any consistency or routine. It’s not good for her. She keeps asking questions I can’t answer, because I don’t understand any of it myself, and I’m worried—” I take a breath, trying to steady myself as emotion I thought I had under control by now threatens to rise up again. “I’m worried, Jessica. I don’t know how long this appeal is going to take, I don’t know what this back-and-forth is doing to Emma in the meantime and I don’t know what being in her mother’s care when Stephanie is obviously struggling this much is going to mean for her. Who knows how long it will be until I get her back? And who knows what this will have done to her—what it might mean for her whole life?”
“I know.” Jessica says quietly, reaching for my hand and squeezing it tight. She doesn’t flinch from my gaze, and it’s only then that I realize she’s obviously been worried about the exact same things too. “But it’s going to be okay. She’s going to be okay. We’re going to make sure of it. Whatever she needs after this—hopefully nothing, with enough love and time and support—but if she does, we’ll make sure she has it. She’s going to be alright, Nathan.”
“Shit.” I mutter, having to look away for a moment. I want to believe it. I want so badly to believe it…and just hearing someone else say it, out loud, makes a difference. A little one, at least.
“I hope so, Jessica.” I finally say, looking back at her with the emotion spilling over in my eyes, and for once I don’t try to hide just how torn-up I am about the future. Not even from myself. “I really hope so.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Nathan
F or a while after that, Stephanie sticks to the visitation schedule and I think she might have got the message. Emma is obviously grumpy about it - I think she’d started getting the idea that if she acted up enough, she’d get to come back to mine - but at least now I can tell her clearly when she’s going to be seeing me. Hopefully that will be enough to manage her expectations and some of the anxiety she’s started showing will fade.
That’s the idea, anyway.
Until Stephanie shows up at my door again several weeks later, in a complete state - looking worn ragged, her eyes red and blotchy and an utterly defeated look on her face.
It’s enough to stun me into silence, ending any objections before they can even begin as Emma runs over to me and wraps her arms around my legs. Even my usual frustration at seeing her dies before it can really begin.
“Daddy!” Emma says, in a more excited tone than I think I’ve heard in weeks. It’s enough to pull my gaze away from Stephanie long enough to look down at her, my hand automatically dropping to her shoulder. “Mommy says I can come and live with you now!”
I start, a jolt of shock running through me as I look back up at Stephanie. Jessica lets out a small gasp from behind me, and I’m not even sure when she appeared at the door.
“What?” I ask, my tone low and disbelieving as I stare at my ex-wife. She glances at Emma meaningfully as she doesn’t say anything and I follow her gaze just as Emma interrupts.
“Can I, Daddy? Please can I?”
I drag my attention away from Stephanie to kneel by her side.
“I—I hope so, sweetie.” I say gently. That’s all I can manage right now. I don’t have a clue what’s going on and I don’t want to get her—my—everyone’s hopes up before I understand. My heart still starts racing in my chest though, and it feels like I feel every thump as I try to focus on the pleading look on Emma’s face. “I need to talk to your Mommy first, Emma. Can you go inside with Jessica for me, please?”
“But—”
“Please, Emma.” I say, and there’s obviously something in my serious tone that cuts off her objections. She looks between us all, raising her hand to her mouth and starting to chew on it before slowly nodding.
“Okay.” She says, her voice muffled as she looks up at Jessica.
“C-come on, Emma. I’ve got—there’s—lets go inside, huh?” Jessica says, obviously too dumbstruck to think of a convincing bribe as she takes Emma’s other hand. Emma follows her anyway, and I let out a slight breath of relief—something that does nothing to still the sudden adrenaline racing through my body.
“What’s going on, Stephanie?” I ask, turning back to her.
“I can’t do this anymore, Nathan.” She says, and for once it doesn’t sound angry or argumentative. She’s obviously upset as she continues, breathing deeply as her voice wobbles. “I’ve tried—I’ve tried so hard—but it’s not working. I can’t cope. I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss being somewhere with one fucking decent nightclub and I just—I can’t—”
“You’re just…you’re leaving?” I ask, stunned.
Just like that?!
I should be thrilled—relieved—something, but instead I’m just standing there, unable to even process it. I can’t believe it. After all this…she’s just going to…leave?
“I wanted to come back and be the Mom I should have been for her. I always regretted it, leaving like I did—not you, her—and I, well, I
wanted to fix it. Make it right.” Stephanie says in a rush, like all of this has been boiling inside her for far too long.
I don’t even think she notices the barb there, but it’s not like I care either. I’m long past caring what she thinks of me and if anything, she’s right. We never were suited for each other, and now that I’ve got Jessica I realize just how lucky I am that she left me.
I’m surprised she even feels the need to try to explain herself to me—she’s never worried about justifying what she’s doing before.
“But it’s not working.” She continues. “None of it works. Emma hates me. No matter what I try, she spends her time screaming and crying for you. She’s miserable and I can’t fix it. I’ve tried so hard…but everything I try—everything I do—none of it makes any difference. I even started following those routines and all that information you left me, but that never helped either. I hate it—it breaks my heart—but I can’t deny it anymore. She doesn’t want me. She wants you. So…take her.”
“Well, what did you expect?!” I ask, incredulous. The way she describes all that…the complete blindness there…the only thing I can feel is devastated at how deeply unhappy my daughter has been. “You come back out of nowhere with all these demands—throw our lives into chaos—and you thought that wouldn’t affect her? She doesn’t hate you, Stephanie, but you can’t rip a three-year-old out of everything she’s ever known and expect it just to work. That’s what I said in the beginning—”
“I know - and you were right, okay! There. I admit it. Are you happy now? You were right—” She gasps again, in what sounds a lot like a sob, and I don’t think it’s just for hysterics. She seems more upset than I can remember. It’s almost enough to make me start feeling for her, until I remember that she brought this all on herself. “—and I was wrong. I’m sorry. You can have custody back. I’ll leave you both alone.”
Just like that, she turns to go - and I blink, barely feeling able to keep up.
“Stephanie—Stephanie, wait.” I say, my voice firm as I take a step forward. This is insane. “You can’t just leave.”
She looks back at me, obviously confused.
“You’re not doing this all over again—I won’t have it. Damn it, Stephanie, it’s always the extremes with you, isn’t it?” I say, exasperated. ”It’s all or nothing, without any thought for anything in between. That might have worked for you so far, but it doesn’t when it comes to children. You can’t just turn up here, reappear in Emma’s life, and then vanish entirely again. She’ll remember you this time. She’ll wonder where you’ve gone and why you’ve abandoned her. Goddamnit, you don’t have to abandon her—has that never even occurred to you? I won’t let you do it again. Leave her with me, yes. Give me custody back, yes. But you said you wanted to be a Mom to her—let’s sit down and arrange a visitation schedule that works. Let her get to know you on her terms, and you can still have all that.”
Stephanie looks back at me, seeming stunned at the idea - or that I’m suggesting it, anyway.
“I thought you wanted me gone.”
“I—” I let out a long breath. How the hell do I answer that? Most nights, that’s exactly what I’ve wished for. “All I’ve ever wanted is what’s best for Emma.”
Is this really what I want? Stephanie in my life—our life? Can I even tolerate her after everything she’s done? If Emma ends up with some kind of lasting damage…
But despite every misgiving I have - despite whatever difficulty I might be inviting into my life here - this is the thing that feels right somehow. I wanted Emma to have a Mom. I didn’t want her to have all those questions. I just need it to be on safe terms.
“Your idea of best.” She mutters.
“Well, yes. That’s the only one I have. But I think we can both agree it’s worked out a whole lot better than your idea, so far.”
She grumbles something, but she doesn’t try to argue that.
“She won’t want to see me.” Stephanie says eventually, sounding pained but resigned. “She hates me now.”
I sigh. “Stephanie, she’s three, and you’re her Mom. Give her time, start doing the goddamn right thing, show up and prove yourself to her, and I think she’ll come around eventually. She doesn’t even know this was all because of you.”
Stephanie looks at me, obviously surprised. “She doesn’t?”
“Of course not. I’m not going to drag a three-year-old into our custody battle. I’m not even sure I could phrase that so she’d understand. I had enough trouble trying to explain that we were doing this because of the law.”
“I think she understands more than you think.” Stephanie says quietly.
“Yes. I worry about that sometimes too.” I say, then look back at her, starting to feel very drained. “So, are we agreed? I’ll take Emma, and then we’ll draw up a visitation schedule that we can both agree to?”
She hesitates again, but finally nods. “Okay. We’ll do that.”
“Good.” I say grimly. “And we’re going back to court to make it official this time, too.”
She nods, not seeming to notice the pointed comment. “Okay. I’ll get in touch with you later this week, then. I need a few days…just…away.”
I nod back, and then she finally does turn to leave, my heart slowly rising into my throat and my stomach twisting in a strange feeling of adrenaline and disbelief as I absorb everything that just happened.
Is it really…can it actually be…
Is it finally over?
It doesn’t seem possible, but…fuck. Emotion suddenly swells through me, rising rapidly, and I turn to rush back into the house immediately. I can’t stop myself from going straight to Emma, picking her up and hugging her as tightly as I can against me, just breathing her in.
My little girl. Finally home.
Please. Let this be real.
“Daddy, Daddy!” Emma squirms against me and I loosen my grip just a little, taking us both to the couch and bundling her onto my lap. Jessica looks up from where she was trying to engage Emma in a game on the floor, a question in her eyes.
“Can I stay with you? Can I?” Emma asks, squirming and moving as she looks at me.
I kiss her head and have to take a moment before I can speak, a lump in my throat.
“I…I’ve talked to your Mommy. We still have to get everyone to agree to change the rules.” I say, not wanting to make complete promises when everything still seems so unbelievable - so fragile. “But yes, sweetie. Yes, you’re staying with me now.”
Emma looks back at me, blinks once, then again…and then bursts into tears, flinging her arms around my neck.
I clutch her to me, a lump in my throat, and have to stop myself from giving into the exact same reaction. From the moisture gathering in my eyes and the shudders I feel running through me, I don’t do a very good job.
She’s home. She’s finally, finally home.
* * *
It takes several weeks before George can schedule a date in court to approve the modifications to our custody agreement and I spend the whole time slightly on edge, just waiting for something to go wrong. I’m grateful they’re a lot quicker about processing modifications than appeals, but it’s still a long time to wait. I’m scared that Stephanie will suddenly change her mind and withdraw from the whole thing—that this will all be snatched away before I can secure it for good.
It’s wonderful seeing Emma back home, falling into our old routines and habits, and slowly starting to get our life back to normal. It still hurts me to see that she’s not quite as free-spirited and easy going as she was before, but she’s starting to open up a little again. I don’t want to know what it might do to give her that and then take it all away again.
Stephanie comes to all the meetings with George, though, and doesn’t seem to waver now that we’ve made the decision. We work out a practical agreement for visitation - both the official part that we put down on paper, and our own discussions about how it will work with her living in New York, as we
ll as how to make it gradual enough that Emma gets comfortable with it again.
The kind of discussion I wanted to have from the beginning.
Surprisingly, it’s not as hard to work with Stephanie as I expected and though I still feel tense and sore about everything that’s happened, at least she isn’t being deliberately difficult anymore.
I suggest we remove the clause about not taking Emma out of State for a year too, though we leave in that her home base will be in Manchester. There are some out-of-State fairs I’d like take her to sometime anyway, and even though we agree it will be a long time until Emma stays overnight anywhere else again, I don’t want to limit Stephanie’s ability to take her to see her grandparents in the future. I might not like them very much, but they’re still her family.
When we finally do make it to court, the case is over much more quickly - and simply - than the last one was.
The Judge has evidently already read over both the previous agreement and our suggested modifications and he regards us both with a deadpan expression. I’m just glad it’s not Judge Halliby. I’d rather not have to face him again, after how the first time went.
“So you want to modify this so that it’s…the opposite custody arrangement?” He asks, and I think I hear a hint of skepticism in his tone.
Stephanie is the one to nod.
“Yes, Your Honor. We tried that custody arrangement but it…didn’t work well. Once we realized it wasn’t working we were able to come to a different agreement ourselves, and so we’ve come back to ask for these changes to be approved. This is also the arrangement that our daughter, Emma, seems to prefer.”
“Well, if you both agree on it - and your daughter is happier this way too - then I have no reason to object.” He says, though his tone is still slightly questioning. “I’ll approve the modifications.”