Jay's Gay Agenda

by Jason June

  “S-sorry,” I stuttered. I couldn’t even speak straight. “I just need some time alone. To figure this out.”

  Max rushed forward like he wanted to give me a hug. “Jay, I promise—”

  I put my hand out, stopping him before he could reach me. “Please.” My breath was coming hot and fast now. I knew my anger at Max wasn’t justified, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how different this afternoon would be if he hadn’t said a word.

  “Okay.” Max sulked as he made his way out of my room.

  My breathing didn’t slow, not even when I heard Max shut the front door, giving me the space that I demanded. I was panicking.

  I thought it was against all odds that I was the only gay person back at Riverton. It seemed even more unlikely that I would meet a boy who wanted to date me, and another who would want to hook up with me at the drop of a text. But the thing that I thought would never happen, could never happen, not in a million trillion years, was losing my tried-and-true BFF in a matter of minutes.

  But against all odds, I did.

  I was so pent up with anger that there was only one thing I could think of to get it out: Tony. When I made it to his dorm, he was waiting for me, naked on his bed. One look at him made the worries clouding my mind drift away. At least temporarily.

  I felt like a ravenous beast, devouring every inch of Tony to distract myself from the hurt and frustration. It probably wasn’t the healthiest way to let off steam, but in that moment, it really helped.

  Even Tony noticed. “That was . . . wow.” His panting gave me that now-familiar surge of pride. “Where did that come from?”

  “I just had something on my mi—” The door rattled, the harsh shaking of the metal knob cutting me off. Someone was trying to get in. “Who’s that?”

  A sharp voice called through the door. “Tony?”

  “Shit!” Tony hopped out of bed and pulled on his pants.

  The doorknob-rattling was replaced by pounding. Angry, belligerent, rage-filled pounding. “Tony! I can hear you in there! Open this door!”

  A sinking feeling entered the pit of my stomach. “What’s going on?” I asked.

  “Put your clothes on!” Tony frantically whispered. He grabbed my jeans and shirt and threw them at me. He wasn’t looking where he was throwing, though, and the button on my jeans smacked me right in the eye.

  “Ow!”

  More brutal pounding. “Tony, I swear to fucking gawd if there’s a guy in there with you, I’m going to kill him! Then I’m going to cut off his flaccid dick, wrap it around your neck, and strangle you with it!”

  I sat there, stunned by the threat of castration and my dismembered member being used as a murder weapon.

  “Move!” Tony was hysterical. “He’s not kidding! He is going to kill you!”

  I pulled my jeans over my legs, forced to go commando because Tony rushed me too fast to find my underwear. “Why is this guy going to kill us?”

  “That’s Dylan.” Tony threw a shirt on over his head, his mouth popping out just in time to pile on the bad news. “My boyfriend.”

  “Your WHAT?!” I screamed.

  The pounding turned to kicking. “I knew it!” Dylan shrieked. “I knew someone was in there with you!”

  I couldn’t believe this was happening. Max said Tony wasn’t the relationship type. Tony said he wasn’t the relationship type. He had never once talked about Dylan. We were just hooking up, and nobody was supposed to get hurt. He was supposed to be the no-strings-attached kind of guy, but apparently he had all kinds of strings attached to Dylan.

  “You couldn’t have told me about him?” I demanded. “Before we had sex? Before any of the times we had sex? What the hell is wrong with you?”

  “He goes to Portland State,” Tony said, as if that explained everything. “I didn’t know he was coming.”

  “Your excuse is you didn’t think you’d get caught? You’ve got to be joking.” I snatched my shoes off the floor and flew out of Tony’s room. “He’s all yours,” I said to Dylan, whose look made me truly understand the meaning of the phrase murderous rage.

  I ran down the stairs as fast as I could. Dylan’s shouts while he laid into Tony followed me all the way to the front door. I threw it open, ready to storm out into the street, but someone was blocking the way.

  “Jay?”

  There, on the doorstep, were two guys, one of whom was the absolute last person I thought I’d see at Lambda Chi Alpha.

  “Reese? What are you doing here?”

  Reese pointed at the guy next to him. It was Spencer, Reese’s new boyfriend and costar in all his Instagram pictures.

  “Spencer’s thinking of rushing the fraternity,” Reese explained. “The guys invited us over to check the place out.” He and Spencer stepped inside.

  Pounding footsteps echoed throughout the foyer. “Get back here, you stupid slut!”

  Dylan rushed down the stairs, ready to beat me to a pulp. Tony followed right behind.

  “Dylan, don’t!” Tony pleaded. “You’re causing a scene!”

  Reese looked at Tony, then at Dylan, then back at Tony, then at me. I could see all the wheels turning in his mind. Then his eyebrows shot up.

  He’d figured it out. He knew what I was doing there.

  Reese frowned. Not the reaction I was expecting. If anything, I thought he would be grinning maniacally like he’d caught me in the act. “What are you doing here?” he asked, even though we both knew he had the answer.

  “I, uh . . .”

  “He’s about to get the shit kicked out of him, that’s what he’s doing here,” Dylan said. “For thinking he could fuck my boyfriend!”

  Dylan was within lunging distance now. I had to duck when his fists came swinging.

  “I didn’t know Tony had a boyfriend,” I said, my hands up defensively. “There are tallies of the people he’s slept with on his door. He never even mentioned you.”

  Dylan’s fists stopped flying as he slowly turned to Tony. “You said those marked how many beer-pong games you and Victor won.”

  Any trace of the smooth sexiness I’d come to expect from Tony was washed from his face. “Dylan, I . . .” He hesitated, searching for the right thing to say that could get him out of this. “It honestly didn’t mean anything. Jay just had this list of sex things he wanted to do. There was no emotion behind it, right, Jay? You just needed to try things out. What did you call it, your Gay Agenda?”

  I became the human personification of that blue-in-the-face screaming emoji. I had never mentioned the Gay Agenda to Tony. There was only one person in this entire city I’d shared it with.

  “Max told you?” I was going to throw up.

  Tony nodded. “At the drag brunch. He thought I could help you out. And I did, right, but everything’s over now.”

  I couldn’t believe Max would do that. Telling Tony was such a stab in the back. He was supposed to be my Gay Guide, but he’d totally corrupted the Gay Agenda. Everything on that list was supposed to happen organically because of a connection or attraction I’d waited eighteen years to form with someone. Not because Max told Tony, “Hey, hook up with my horny, desperate friend.” I didn’t ask for that kind of handout. I felt dirty. Betrayed.

  Used.

  Tony looked anxiously at Dylan while he tried to save face. “Yeah, it’s over, Jay.” He said it defiantly, like I was trying to force him to be with me. “Totally over. I couldn’t do that to Dylan.” He put his hand on Dylan’s shoulder, which was immediately shrugged off and followed by a glare that could almost rival Reese’s.

  Almost.

  “This is just the cherry on top of a really great day,” I said. “I’m leaving.” I moved to walk past Reese, but he grabbed my arm.

  “Aren’t you and Albert dating?” He seemed really fracking pissed.

  “Y-yes.” I cleared my throat. “Albert and I have gone on some dates. But we’re not exclusive.”

  “Is he an item on your Gay Agenda too?”

  I cou
ldn’t say anything. Albert starred in all my favorite items. The ones about slow dancing, about becoming my first boyfriend, about falling in love. But I couldn’t say that out loud. It would sound like I was using Albert, just like Tony was using me for an easy lay. I wasn’t like Tony. I wasn’t.

  Reese nodded slowly, my silence all the answer he needed. “Right.” He pushed my arm away from him. I was too dirty to touch anymore. It was clear he was done talking, but I had an awful feeling the conversation wasn’t over.

  Dylan was sobbing now, and Tony lamely patted his back. Spencer looked around awkwardly, completely unprepared for his first look at the fraternity to be so full of drama. “Maybe this isn’t a good time,” he mumbled.

  I walked out the door and slammed it behind me. I swear I could have breathed fire. I felt so gross. Who the hell did Tony think he was, having me come over so many nights and never once mentioning Dylan? There weren’t even any pictures of Dylan in Tony’s bedroom. Or on his Instagram. But there were certainly all kinds of pictures of himself. What kind of heartless boyfriend was he?

  And Max telling Tony about the Gay Agenda! I might not have had a great reason to be mad at Max before, but now I sure did.

  I opened my phone to call Max, and the churning in my stomach increased by about a million. I had seven texts from Albert, and my heart sank further and further as I read each one.

  Hey, I’m outside your place.

  Hello? Are you there?

  Maybe my texts aren’t going through.

  I just knocked and your dad says you’re not home.

  Did I get the day wrong? Are we supposed to meet tomorrow?

  Just reread our texts. It was definitely today.

  See you around, I guess.

  I had blown Albert off. I’d gotten so caught up in Max telling Lu that Albert and I weren’t boyfriends yet that I’d completely forgotten about the date that I planned.

  I needed to text Albert back, but how could I explain what happened? I couldn’t just say, Hey, sorry I forgot about you so I could have angry sex with some other boy who happens to already have a boyfriend. Telling the truth would crush him. I let him think I wasn’t some guy only out for sex, but I ditched him specifically to have sex. If he found out, we’d be over before we even started, but I had to tell him before Reese did. They had the Digigang bond, and I bet Reese had texted Albert the second I stormed out onto the street.

  I’m so sorry, Albert. Can we talk? We need to talk.

  I waited for the ellipses that meant Albert was typing back, hoping he’d respond. I’d had the best idea for a date too. I had found this adorable place called the Seattle Pinball Museum that had all these ancient types of arcade games from as far back as the ’60s. I thought Albert’s gamer-heart would love it.

  With no ellipses, I tried calling Albert myself. He sent me straight to voice mail, but I couldn’t get all the words right in my head to leave a meaningful message. I needed him to know that I cared about the things he liked, that I cared about him and his feelings, that I wasn’t a heartless liar like Tony.

  “Oh, frack,” I moaned.

  I had one of those horribly clichéd movie moments when a realization smacks the main character right in the face. That’s exactly what I was: a heartless liar.

  The average eighteen- to forty-four-year-old lies twice every day. I used to think that I was above that. I was a totally honest, rule-following stats lover who couldn’t hurt anybody with his lists. But I was lying to myself all along.

  Ten minutes went by with no response from Albert.

  Twenty minutes.

  Nothing.

  Thirty.

  Not a word.

  I still hadn’t heard anything by the time I got home and collapsed on my bed. The guilt bubbling in my stomach was at full throttle. I had lost every relationship that meant anything to me in a matter of one day. No Lu (because I let her down when she needed me the most), no Max (because he’d stabbed me in the back by sharing the Gay Agenda), no Tony (because he was a lying bastard), and no Albert (because I was a lying bastard).

  It was a good thing I’d crossed off so many items on the Gay Agenda over the past few weeks. The odds of anyone helping me out with the rest were slim to none.

  23.

  Dig Your Grave Deeper

  Sunday came and went without a single word from Albert or Lu. I got a few calls from Max after I texted YOU TOLD TONY?!, and I ignored him every time. But the satisfaction of blocking him out wasn’t enough to get rid of my guilt over Albert. I paced through the house, trying to get my nerves to settle. Mom was away again for the weekend, and Dad knew something was up. After repeated attempts to try to get me to talk, he finally gave up and went on some Uber rides. As he put it, he’d rather deal with the gloom outside than the gloom I was bringing into our place.

  I walked to school Monday morning focused on what I was going to say to Albert. I would find him before his robotics class and try to explain what had happened over the weekend. I knew I couldn’t lie to him and had to come up with the right way to word why I was with Tony.

  JAY’S A FLAKE FACTS

  1.We weren’t exclusive so I was hooking up with another guy. (True, but harsh)

  2.You said you wanted to wait, so I was just trying things out with Tony. (Also true, but heartless)

  3.Everything I did with Tony paled in comparison to the time spent with you. (Weak)

  4.He had my dick, you have my heart. But I really want you to have both my dick and my heart. (Too crass)

  There was no way to word the reality of the Tony situation without it sounding bad.

  When I made it to the science and math building, everything I wanted to say flew out the window. Albert was standing in the hallway, his back turned to me while he talked to Reese. My heart sank. There was no way Reese hadn’t already told him about the fraternity run-in.

  Reese immediately started shooing me away when he saw me over Albert’s shoulder. “Leave Albert alone,” he said. “Don’t you think you’ve done enough damage already?”

  I was right. Reese had spilled everything, and it looked even worse that he’d told Albert before I had.

  I walked up slowly, mimicking the don’t run away stance I’d seen Damon give Max, Max give me, and Tony give Dylan. “Can we talk?” Reese stepped in front of Albert like he needed a shield, but I was certain that if Reese would just get out of the way and leave, I could make this better. “Alone?”

  Reese widened his stance. He wasn’t going anywhere.

  “I’m so sorry for missing our date,” I began. “It was a total jerk move.”

  Albert’s eyes met mine, and I lost my breath. I could see just how hurt he was, and I was entirely the cause of his pain. He had been so vulnerable with me, telling me about how he was tired of being treated like a stereotype, about his hesitations about sex, about how he wanted to get to know me more before taking it to the next level. He said I was someone he could just be himself around. I had completely destroyed that. I would give up every single moment with Tony to have his trust back.

  My mouth flapped open, trying once again to find the magic words that would make this all better. But of course, there were none. “Albert, I—”

  Albert’s perfect jaw clenched before he snapped, “Is it true?”

  “I’m not sure what Reese told you,” I said. Although my gut told me he had spilled everything.

  “You have a Gay Agenda?”

  That was not what I’d expected him to say. I thought he would ask about Tony first. About how I went behind his back. “Yes,” I said.

  “And I’m on it.” It was a statement, not a question.

  I nodded. He’d been added to it after I’d already created it, but the look on Albert’s face told me the when of his appearance on the Gay Agenda didn’t really matter.

  “So that’s all I am,” Albert said. “A notch on your belt. Somebody to cross off and be done with.”

  Nothing could have been further from the truth. Yes, I
wanted to experience some firsts with him, but I didn’t want to throw him aside after. He needed to know about my plans for an Albert Agenda, about all the things I wanted to do together, about all the romance and love. “Albert, that’s not it at all.”

  “How am I supposed to trust anything you say?” Albert pushed Reese aside so he could face me head-on. “You kept me in the dark about Tony. You told me you were a virgin. You said you could wait. What the fuck, Jay? Why didn’t you just tell me the truth?”

  “Because I didn’t want to scare you away,” I said. “I didn’t want you to think I was like your ex.”

  Reese laughed with disdain. “Oh, that is rich, Jay. You’re saying this is Albert’s fault?”

  I’d never felt as furious as I did in that moment. All I could comprehend was a deep, consuming rage that made my anger over the weekend look like mild irritation.

  “Why don’t you just shut your fucking face for once, Reese?” Everyone in the hallway turned to witness my tirade. “Why are you even here? You are such a drama queen. Max was right about every single thing he said about you: you’re a conceited, self-centered asshole. He’s so much better off without you in his life.”

  My whole body pulsed, and my breaths came in heaving, ragged gulps.

  Right before I came out, I’d looked up the stats on getting into a fight. About one in four high school kids come to blows. I thought if I was ever going to be one of them, it would be sticking up for myself as the only gay kid at RHS. I never thought I’d be the cause of a fight. That I’d scream at and insult somebody so much that I wouldn’t be surprised if they wanted to punch me.

  But Reese didn’t fling his fists or get in my face. He didn’t move a muscle. Instead, his icy glare blurred over with tears. “He said that?”

  I was so worked up I couldn’t keep my thoughts in order. “Who?”

  “Max,” Reese choked. “He said I was conceited? And self-centered?”

  “Yeah, he did,” I said, anger flaring up again. “Why else would you dump him at the drop of a hat? He supported you. He wanted to help you along in your acting. He loved you, you know that? No. You wouldn’t. You’re too self-absorbed to notice anything but yourself.”