by K. C. Crowne
“Are you at your house, sir?”
“No, I’m down by the pond just in case—”
“Can you go back to the house and be ready to greet the officer who will be arriving shortly?” the dispatcher questioned.
I wanted to argue with her, but what if she didn’t go this way? There was a road not far from the front of the house. She could have wandered in that direction.
Oh God, I could be looking in the wrong place.
I didn’t see or hear her here, so I did what the dispatcher advised and ran back toward the house, cradling Emma close to my chest, afraid to let her go.
I kept calling Abby’s name, panic really setting in now. She could be anywhere. Literally, anywhere. The feeling of hopelessness set in, and I’d never felt anything like that in my life. I’d screwed up and now I had no idea what I was supposed to do.
I approached the house and was about to run to the front when I saw movement from the corner of my eye by the back door. I froze in place.
“Abby, this isn’t funny,” I said, trying to speak over Emma’s screams.
And that’s when I saw it - it was so small, I almost missed it. A tiny little hand came out from behind the door.
I rushed up the steps to the back porch and pushed the door closed. Abby was hiding behind the back door this entire time. Her giggles faded as soon as she saw me and her lower lip began to tremble. She must’ve seen the terror etched all over my face.
I knelt and wrapped my arms around her, smooshing her against her still crying and upset sister. I needed to hug her, to know that she was really safe.
“You scared me, sweetheart. Don’t ever do that again, please?”
“I sowwy,” Abby’s muffled voice said against my shirt.
And I knew she was. She hadn’t meant to scare me; she was just playing hide and seek. She had no idea about all the terrible things that could have happened to her, the things I had feared.
It wasn’t her fault. It was mine. I’d been careless.
I’d dropped my phone on the porch beside us, and I heard a voice speaking. “Sir? Is everything okay?”
I picked up the phone and said, “Yes, thank God. I found her. She was hiding in the house. I’m so sorry.”
“I can call off the officer then?” she asked.
“Yes, please do. I’m sorry for wasting your time.”
Abigail was safe. Emma wasn’t happy, but she too was safe in my arms. Everything was going to be okay.
If I could be this stupid, anything could happen. And maybe next time we wouldn’t be so lucky.
“Come on, girls,” I said, standing up with Emma. I took Abby’s hand in mine. “Time to get ready for bed.”
“Heck no,” Abby said, pulling her hand from mine and crossing her arms in front of her little chest in defiance.
“Is that why you hid from me?” I asked her. “To avoid going to bed?”
She smiled, but didn’t answer me, though that cheeky grin was enough of an answer for me.
She was a handful, and I wasn’t sure how I would be able to keep up with her. And this was only the beginning… could I really handle her and keep her safe? Especially as Emma also grew into a toddler?
What was I thinking, wanting to keep them? Yes, they made me happy, but could I keep them safe? That night made me doubt my ability to be what they needed even more than I had before.
I took Abby’s hand, and even as she protested, I walked her through the house. I made sure to shut and lock the back door, making a mental note that she could unlatch the screen door, so I’d never do that again. But I wondered how many other hidden dangers I was missing in my own home.
My phone buzzed, but I couldn’t care less. My heart was still racing, and I needed to calm down, not deal with whatever shit my friends were messaging me about. I plopped down on the couch beside Abigail with Emma on my lap. Abby scooted closer to me and leaned into me, playing with her sister’s curls.
Emma was calmer now, her eyes barely staying open, and I felt the same. I was so tired. The adrenaline from the incident had left my body, and I was a puddle on the couch. But both girls were safe. Everything was going to be okay.
Emma dozed off and Abby was pretty close to falling asleep herself. I didn’t trust leaving either girl down here alone, not after what I’d just experienced. I never wanted to take my eyes off them even for a second, but I had to figure something out.
My phone buzzed again, and I pulled it out and checked. It was Alex.
Her earlier message said she was on her way over, that she needed to talk to me. The most recent notification was for a message saying she was here, outside my house.
I sighed. I didn’t have it in me to talk to anyone right now, but it was Alex. I couldn’t just leave her hanging on my porch. I texted a response.
I’ll be right there.
I gently placed Emma on the couch beside where I was seated. I checked on Abby, who was now snoozing away. I didn’t like leaving either of them, even to walk to the door, but they were asleep, and it would only take a second to let Alex into my house.
I stood and walked over to the door, quietly opening it. My breath caught in my throat when I saw Alex. Her long hair fell loose over her shoulders in messy waves. Her glasses sat at the edge of her nose, and she pushed them up, bringing my attention to those big, brown eyes and thick lashes. She smiled at me, and I felt at a loss for words.
“Liam, I have something I need to tell you,” she said. “And I know it’s going to be a shock. It’s a shock to me as well, but you deserve to know, and I’d rather tell you now than stress about how I’m going to break the news to you.” She blew out a breath and ran her hand through her hair. “God, I’m rambling.” She looked away from me and her cheeks flushed.
I still didn’t know what to say or even think. I checked on the girls; they were still on the couch. I returned my gaze to the beautiful woman on my doorstep. “Listen, Alex. Tonight might not be the best night. I just had a scare and—”
Before I could finish my sentence, she blurted loudly, “I’m pregnant, Liam.”
My heart stopped. Hell, the entire world around me seemed to freeze in place. My hand was trembling on the door, and I thought I might be sick.
“You’re pregnant?” I stammered, feeling dizzy and drunk even though I hadn’t had a drink in weeks.
“I am, yes. And the baby is yours. Now I know you never wanted to be a father—”
“Alex,” I interrupted, my voice low.
She didn’t seem to hear me. Her eyes were closed, and she continued to speak. “I know you don’t want to be a dad, and that’s okay. I’m already a single mother of two, why not three and—”
“Alex!”
Her eyes popped open and she stared at me with tears in her eyes, wide with fear. I felt like such an ass to yell, but she wasn’t hearing me before.
“Alex, please, this really isn’t the best time.”
My legs felt like jelly and I was still freaking out, checking on the girls. My heart had barely recovered from the scare and now this? It was too much.
“Oh, okay, I can leave then.” She backed away from the doorway, her cheeks wet with tears.
I grabbed her arm to stop her from walking away. “No,” I said. I pulled her toward me. She fell into my arms, and I couldn’t believe I’d hurt her.
I never wanted to hurt her. She was too precious to me.
I was completely overwhelmed, but clearly she felt the same way.
I lifted her chin up and stared into those beautiful eyes. I had to make the tears stop, no matter what. Her lips beckoned me, and before I knew what hit me, I kissed her.
Chapter 22
Alex
I pulled away from him. “I should go.”
“Alex, please—” he stammered. “Come inside, let’s talk about this. I just need a moment to catch my breath and to think. I’ve had a very rough evening.”
“What happened?”
“Abby. I thought she got o
ut the back door when I wasn’t looking and…” I blew out a breath. “Can we please take this inside?” He looked over his shoulder, and I could see the girls passed out on the couch behind him, sleeping peacefully.
“Of course.”
Liam stepped away and let me enter, and I tried to keep my voice low so as to not wake the girls.
“So what happened?”
Liam rushed to the girls, oblivious to my question. He stared down at them with a look of love that made my poor, pregnant heart swell.
No, don’t get your hopes up, Alex. If he keeps the girls, he’s not likely to want a third already. They’re a handful for him as it is, and there’s no reason to believe he still wants to keep them even if he clearly cares about them.
“I’m gonna put them in bed,” he said. I’d never seen him this shaken up before. “Do you mind keeping an eye on Abigail?”
“Here, I can take Emma for you,” I said. “We can take them upstairs together.”
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“I’m positive,” I said.
I scooped Emma in my arms while he carried Abby. I followed him up the stairs and into the girls’ room. I placed Emma in her crib, careful not to wake her, while Liam tucked Abby in. He stayed there for a long time, in the quiet room, as if terrified to leave. I put a hand on his arm, startling him.
“They’re okay,” I reassured him soothingly. I still didn’t know what had happened, but whatever it was, clearly it was bad enough to scare this giant of a man.
He nodded and motioned for me to step out of the room. He shut the door, but we remained in the hall next to their room. Again, it felt like he didn’t want to leave them.
“Abby hid behind the back door earlier and wouldn’t come out when I called, and I thought—” He frowned and ran his hands over his face. “Hell, I thought I’d lost her for good,” he said, running a shaky hand through his hair. He couldn’t look me in the eyes. “I’m really not cut out for this, Alex. I’d make a shit da. I’m surprised the girls haven’t been hurt or worse yet with how careless I am. I just—”
I wrapped my arms around Liam, surprising him with the hug. His body was stiff against mine. “Shh, it’s okay, Liam. I’m sure whatever happened, it’s not as bad as you think.”
“It was pretty bad. I even called 9-1-1 and thought she could be dead. I thought she was at the bottom of the pond.” He pulled away from me, and still wouldn’t look me in the eye.
“Let’s go downstairs so we can talk,” I said.
“I’m sorry about kissing you earlier too. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. You looked so sad and I just wanted to make that pain go away.”
“Because you’re a good man, Liam,” I told him. “You don’t need to apologize about that.”
Thinking about the kiss, it had taken everything in me to put a stop to it, but I knew it wasn’t genuine, it was emotion-driven, and I couldn’t let myself fall into his arms every time we needed comforting. I had more than myself to think about now. My emotions were likely going to go crazy, and it would be too easy to feel things for Liam that I wasn’t allowed to feel. After all, he’d made it clear he wasn’t interested in settling down, and I didn’t need another Charlie on my hands.
Liam looked at the door, frozen.
“The girls will be fine,” I promised him. “You’ve got the handle cages I told you about for the door, so they can’t get out here, and there’s the gates on the steps.”
“But if she could unlatch the screen door, she could figure out ways around all that.”
“Maybe, but these things are specifically designed for protecting kids,” I said calmly. “We can take a look at your screen door. Maybe the latch is too low or easy to lift up. Maybe it’s broken. It was an innocent mistake.”
Liam still hesitated, but then he looked over at me. “We do need to talk. I’m just not sure how useful I can be to talk to you about… well, you know. I’m not in the best headspace. I’m sorry. I feel like such a screw up, and you and the baby would likely be better off far away from me.”
“Shh, don’t say that, Liam. You’re not a screw-up. You’ve done the very best by those girls.”
“I don’t know, I think I just got lucky. I mean, how are you so good at this?”
I stared at him, blinking. “I’ve made my share of mistakes along the way, believe me. I had to learn just like you and everyone else did. I’ve read and researched a lot, but sometimes, you learn through trial and error. You messed up, but next time—”
“What if she had died, Alex?” He raised his voice, then realized what he was doing so close to the girls’ room and stepped away. Lowering his voice, he said. “If she had died, I wouldn’t get a second chance.”
“But she didn’t die. She’s fine. She’s asleep in the very next room, and I don’t think you would ever do something that would seriously put the girls at risk.”
“But I did, Alex. That’s the point.”
He turned away from me and walked down the steps. I could tell that nothing I was saying was getting through to him, and I knew it wasn’t the right time. He was still scared and beating himself up for the mistake.
I followed him downstairs and said softly, “You know, when the boys were about six months old, Jacob picked up something off the floor, an aspirin Charlie had dropped when he got some from the medicine cabinet. All I saw was Jacob put something in his mouth, and I had to pry it out. Thankfully he didn’t swallow it and I got it out, but what if he’d swallowed it? He could have choked or worse. I don’t even want to think about what else could have happened.” I took his hand. “I called poison control and worked with our pediatrician, and he was fine. I caught him just in time. But you know what? I still stayed up at night thinking about the what ifs… what if I hadn’t noticed him put it into his mouth? Why hadn’t I checked the floor more carefully? How did I miss it? Charlie was clearly not cut out for being a parent, that became clear to me after that incident, but it also made me think… what if I’m not cut out for this either? It took me a long time to stop beating myself up over it, and I’ve talked to so many parents over the last year or so - we all have our stories, Liam. It’s not just you, and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. You’re only human.”
He stared at me, and I knew that my words likely meant nothing to him at that moment. But I hoped at least some of it got through to him, and that it would help when he tried to sleep that night - or maybe feel better about things after he calmed down.
I had no one to tell me these things, so I don’t know if it would have helped me or not.
He shoved his hands in his pocket. “Thank you, Alex. I never knew… I mean, I never would have expected you, of all people, to have a story like that. And I can hear it and instantly recognize it’s not your fault.”
“Yes, just like I can recognize that your mistake doesn’t mean you’re a screw-up.”
“I don’t think it’s the same, though.”
“Of course you don’t, because right now you’re scared and looking for any reason to doubt yourself. Because your brain is an asshole, Liam,” I said, shoving him a bit with my shoulder. He chuckled, and I did as well. “But I’m telling you, just because your brain is an asshole doesn’t mean you are. You don’t deserve the mental beating I know you’re going to give yourself.”
He didn’t say anything, and I couldn’t think of anything more to say either.
He knew I was pregnant with his child. The next move would be up to him. I wouldn’t pressure him to be in our life, though I did want that. I needed a man who wanted to be there - not one who felt guilt-tripped into it.
“I’m going to head home. I just wanted to let you know about the baby,” I told him, shrugging and adding, “It felt like the right thing to do.”
I walked toward the door, and Liam grabbed my arm. I stopped, turning to look up at him.
“I’m sorry, Alex,” he said softly.
And I took that as my answer. He didn’t want anything to
do with us.
Tears stung at my eyes, but I pushed them away. I would be strong for myself and for my baby.
I could do this alone.
I pulled my arm free and walked out the door.
Chapter 23
Liam
When my alarm was about to go off, I was already awake. I shut it off before it even had time to buzz. I stared up at the ceiling, feeling like I might not ever sleep again. My brain hadn’t shut off at all. If I wasn’t going over the incident with Abby over and over again, I was thinking about Alex and our child.
My child.
I never thought I’d be a father. I was always so careful up until Alex, and I’d let my guard down. I believed her when she’d said she couldn’t get pregnant, and I believed that she thought she couldn’t. I knew she wouldn’t have lied, and that this was probably as stressful for her as it was me.
If not more so.
Dammit, you were such a dick, I told myself.
She came to me, terrified and alone, and I was too caught up in my own head to say or do the right thing. I just wasn’t sure I could be the man she needed me to be.
The man our child needed me to be.
I wasn’t father material; the incident with Abby proved that.
And I’d meant it when I told her that she and our child would be better off without me. Even though she didn’t believe it, and I wasn’t going to just walk out on her. At the very least, I’d make sure they were cared for. But could I be there for her? Could I be trusted with a newborn?
After what I had done the night before, I wasn’t sure I could ever be trusted with children.
My phone buzzed and I checked the caller ID.
Well if that ain’t a sign, I thought.
“Ms. Peters, hello.”
“Hello, Liam. So sorry to call you so early. I just wanted to let you know - we’ve found a very promising family for the girls.”
My heart dropped. I was right. It was a sign. Last night, almost losing Abby, and now this? It was too much of a coincidence.