by Clara Reese
I agreed to this. I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t realize how hard. I didn’t expect to fall for her.
There we go. I may be admitting it. Getting myself to accept the truth is not easy.
No. I’m not falling for her. I can’t keep lying to myself like this.
I have fallen for her. Past tense. I’m in love and I have been in love for a while. Who knows when it started, when looking into that cute face with the gorgeous grin became essential to my day. I adore her.
What the hell am I supposed to do about it? I can’t turn around to Dawn now and say, “hey let’s make it real”. It wouldn’t be fair to her. She’s done so much for us, done more than hold up her end of the bargain. It’s all on her really, all I have to do is show up and sign the papers.
I get up slowly and finish my coffee. The sun’s come up away from the horizon and is painting the sky in an orange haze. I leave the cup on the sink and walk idly to my room, mentally choosing my clothes for the day. My movements are smooth and unhurried.
When I look in the mirror, my face looks calm and even. I smile at myself, shocked by how genuine my smile appears, how my face looks clean of worry or distress. It’s difficult to believe none of the turmoil I feel is showing on my face.
I love her. How could I possibly tell her this? If I do, how will she react? She might call it all off, demand the money back. I can’t see a sweetheart like her doing that, but it’s my biggest fear, obviously. She wouldn’t go through with the wedding if I came clean, she’s not that kind of person.
I have to do something, and soon. I can’t keep looking into her eyes and smiling and loving her. Not when I know I’ll never have her. I have to change this situation, now. Today. The anxiety in me rides high as I contemplate my situation. I have to do something.
But that involves leaving Dawn. Just walking away to save my heart and my sanity. The idea of going away, giving up my chance to see her every day, stops me dead in my tracks.
I can’t do it. Not seeing her is even more painful than seeing her. Who am I kidding? I want to withdraw to save my heart.
But my heart is already out there, on the line. It’s waiting to get splattered and that’s all there is to it. No matter which way this goes, I’m utterly screwed.
23
Dawn
The air is gorgeous as I make my way out of the office. The afternoon sun is making everything glow and I know I’ve got a ridiculous smile plastered across my face.
I take a deep breath as I head down the street, not in any hurry. I stop into a market, grabbing a few things for tonight.
I’m so excited about Gina. I think it’s been a long time since I was this excited about anything. Don’t get me wrong, I’m an excitable person. I can find excuses to exclaim about anything. I get worked up when someone mentions going out to lunch.
The excitement I feel when I’m around Gina is completely different. It’s quiet somehow. I’ve never felt anything like it. It makes me quiet and contemplative as I look into her eyes. It gives me a stillness to my soul.
As I walk around the market, I grab a few things we both like to eat. God, I love spoiling her. Buying things for her that she likes has a profound effect on her. I feel like no one has spoiled her for a very long time. She’s so grateful for everything I do for her. It’s refreshing.
On my way out, I see a few pots of sunflowers. I grab a big bunch, knowing they are Gina’s favorites. I can’t wait to see her face light up when I give them to her.
This week has been hectic. I feel like I’ve hardly had time to sit down, but when does a ball of excitement like me ever sit down. I actually giggle to myself as I walk up the street. I’ve loved every single moment of it.
I didn’t know how lonely I was. Sure, I’ve got friends. Patricia and Charlotte are always there for me and I love them to bits. I can call on them anytime.
My family is basically the opposite of me. They are withdrawn, cold and distant. Contacting them only makes my loneliness worse.
I’ve never been great at the romance thing. I get that whole ‘don’t let anyone tell you that you are difficult to love’ thing, but I’m still paranoid. When someone tells you over and over again that you can’t do any better, it tends to stick.
Having Gina by my side, supporting me and listening to me, has been amazing. I didn’t know how badly I needed someone in my corner until I found a supporter. It’s more than nice to know that Gina is there for me. I think it’s turning out damn near essential.
I was prepared to live my life alone. After Tiffany, I knew I could never let anyone else in. I did great at the start of this thing with Gina. I knew it was a business partnership not a personal one. I was breezing through it.
But now, I’ve gotten used to her. When she left me last night to take some time for herself, I was all for it.
But then I was alone.
I never realized how much it affected me. Since I’ve been alone for so long, I had learned to block it out. Now that I know what it’s like to have her warm, strong presence by my side, I can’t stand to be without it.
I’m even getting worried about what she wanted to have a night off about. I mean, I get it, we’ve been together practically every day and night since we announced our fake wedding plans. But I’m scared she might be pulling back.
I’m afraid I’m living in a fantasy world.
Because I think I love her.
I realize how dangerous this is. Effectively, I’m paying her to be my wife. Of course, she’s going to be attentive and caring. It’s what she’s getting her money to do. Are my feelings for her centered around the fact that she needs the money? I suppose they could be. I should be considering this more carefully.
I don’t want to just be served. I want her love. I’m struggling because I don’t know if she does what she does because she has feelings for me, or because she just needs the money.
I’ve got a bit of anxiety mixed with my excitement right now and it’s putting me on edge.
I’ve bought the fancy food and flowers because I want to surprise her. I want to talk to her tonight and tell her that it’s not just a deal to me. I’m done with the fake part of the relationship. I want her love.
I really do think she has feelings for me. I don’t think it would be possible to look at me with that much warmth and care if her heart wasn’t in it.
But that’s just the thing. I don’t know.
Is everything that I find attractive about her just something I’ve paid for? Services rendered for a fair price? Even worse, am I in love with her because she’s basically my slave?
I have to reflect on this. I have to. I know after Tiffany I’ve got a messed-up template in my head for how relationships are supposed to go. It’s held me back so many times.
But I’m not going to worry about any of that. I’m not stupid enough to keep entertaining these notions until they start to affect my life. I love being excited about everything and giving my all. If I’m moping about wondering what Gina thinks of me, I’m not putting in my best effort for everyone else. Worst of all, I’m not enjoying my day. That’s a crime.
So, it’s time to face the dragon. A dragon I want to slay…
Seriously, I can’t wait to get closer to her. Just turning my thoughts even slightly in that direction starts a throbbing in my clit. Right here on the street, handling a big paper bag and my unruly bunch of sunflowers.
I haven’t let my mind drift too far into the sexy component of the deal. I want to too much. It’s been awhile for me. The way Gina looks at me with respect and warmth does something to me. I feel like she would treasure my body, not just pleasure me but take a real interest in what I like.
I also think that locked-down exterior would totally come apart and I’d get to see her scream. Man, that would be something! The proximity we’ve shared so far has been tantalizing, but imagine what it would be like to make love to her all day…or all night. Or both.
I get a better grip on my sunflower
s and sack of groceries and hurry down the street, bouncing with every step. I’ve made up my mind. Tonight is the night. I’m going to tell her I have feelings for her.
I’m certain she has feelings for me. I feel secure enough to put myself out there. I’m also in love enough that I’m willing to throw my heart into the ring anyway.
I’m going to tell her that we should date for real.
I giggle to myself at how ridiculous it is. Dating after we already got engaged! I hope she sees the irony and the fun in that.
I’ve fallen in love and I’m pretty sure she has too.
Unless my fears are true and it’s all a big act. A business deal. Maybe she’s a better actor than I thought. If that’s true, how come she’s not on Broadway already? The woman would be a genius to pull off such a flawless act.
Can’t rule it out.
So, I’m going into this with a few doubts. There is no way to assuage them than to jump right in. I know, I can’t get on with the rest of my business effectively until I have an answer.
Approaching the stairs, I take a deep breath. Time to face my lady love. Time to show her my heart is out on the line, waiting for her to grab it.
24
Gina
Back at Dawn’s place, I’m completely lost in the kitchen. My night away just made me want to come back. I’ve decided to cook her dinner and try to make her feel special. She does so much for me, I really want to do something for her.
Who knew spaghetti marinara was so fucking difficult? This has always been one of my mother’s best recipes and a favorite of mine. I actually thought it would be simple but about two seconds in I realized I had no clue what I was doing.
I had to get Mama on the phone and prop her up on the bench with Facetime so I could get the sauce together. Apparently, I had the wrong seafood mix and she spent a good few minutes yelling at me over the pasta. I should be making it from scratch, apparently.
Like seriously, making pasta from scratch sounds like being a chemical engineer. That shit is crazy.
Even with Mama standing by, I was surrounded by bubbling and sizzling pots, just losing my shit. Maybe if I wasn’t so damn nervous, I could cook! Not that cooking has ever been my strong suit, but the added pressure of wanting to make Dawn happy is making this attempt impossible.
Once the sauce is bubbling and the seafood is fried, mother signs off, telling me that I should be able to boil water and cook pasta by myself. Her tone implies that maybe I shouldn’t be boiling water unsupervised.
Luckily, Dawn comes home right then, so I don’t need to worry about setting water on fire. If you’ve never seen a bad cook do it, don’t think it can’t happen. You might be surprised.
I smile at her while she struggles through the door, and all I can think about is if I make this as much fun for Dawn as it is for me, maybe we can stay together after the chalet is saved. If I start doing things for her like she does for me, maybe I can prove to her that we can work.
I want her to feel secure and cared for. That’s how she makes me feel and all I want is to return the favor.
No, I want to do more than that. I want to make her feel incredible. I want to utterly love her and pleasure her for nights on end.
Better stop thinking about that, right now. Adding sexual tension to tonight would surely cause explosions, and I can’t guarantee they would all be good ones.
I hurry to the door to help Dawn with the grocery sack and sunflowers hit me in the face. We both laugh. She looks up at me with a soft smile and her warm brown eyes.
“For you,” she says softly.
For a second I stand there holding the damn things in shock. Dawn’s hands stretch around the grocery bag, hugging it tight. The smile stays on her face, but her eyes go kind of blank. It scares me a little. Did she buy the flowers as part of the show?
“They’re beautiful.” They really are. It’s so thoughtful and kind. I really don’t think anyone has done something like this for me before.
She grins, still clutching the grocery bag. She hurries over to the counter to set it down and I follow with the flowers.
“Something smells good.”
“Yeah.” I say shyly. “I wanted to make you dinner. Do not look in the trash. I failed on the sauce three times.”
She laughs. “So how did you finally conquer it?”
“I had a mom assist.”
She laughs again, easy and genuine. “Your mom is great.”
It’s like a knife turning in my chest. I’m great, she’s great, mom’s great…we’re all just fucking great. Sure...great.
“Do you have a vase?” I focus my attention on the flowers. They are bright orange and fresh yellow, big fluttery petals. The dark centers glow with the promise of their seeds. They really are gorgeous. People think that I’m so tough I don’t like delicate, pretty things, but they’re so wrong. I can appreciate delicate beauty. I just don’t always have time.
Dawn is a delicate, pretty thing. I fucking adore her.
I go around the counter as Dawn directs me to a side cupboard. I pull out a big red vase and set the flowers up on the table. Dawn’s face lights up as she sees the table set.
“Wow, I don’t think I’ve used this tablecloth, or this plate setting, in years!”
The tablecloth is soft lace, done in beautiful embroidered patterns. The plate set is plain white, with a few hand painted designs swirled delicately across the pale finish.
“I’m sorry.” I feel like I might have done something wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have been poking around her stuff. “Was it for special occasions or something?”
She turns and smiles at me and again, I’m struck by how she embodies her namesake. That smile is the rising sun to me and all the stars in the sky.
“This is a special occasion.”
My smile just leaps to my face. I’ve never smiled so much or so wide. I can feel my face hurting. How many muscles does it take to smile again?
“What are we celebrating?”
She comes over the counter and her eyes are dark and intense.
“Us.” She says simply.
I want to kiss her. I want to lean over the counter and grab her and drag her back to me and ravish her, right on the kitchen floor.
Instead I just grin, carefully putting my hands behind my back. I’m excited, this is a really good sign. The look on Dawn’s face looks like far more than satisfaction over a business deal. I might even let myself hope.
I start putting the meal together and Dawn offers to help but I tell her “no way”. She goes to get changed and kicks off her shoes. The first thing I do is strain the pasta, and it looks like Mama was right. I fucked it up.
The ends are stuck together and hard, while the bulk of it is over cooked. I’m not even sure how I did that. I throw it into the strainer and stab at it with a fork, trying to stab it apart. I only seem to be making matters worse, so I get it on a plate and pile sauce on top of it. That will have to do.
Dawn comes out of the bedroom and comes straight to the counter, looking over my efforts with a smile.
“What did you make?”
“Spaghetti marinara. I hope it’s okay.”
Don’t apologize, Gina. It’s been awhile since someone made me dinner. I appreciate it.”
I look up in surprise. “Really?”
“Yeah.” She laughs. “They aren’t exactly lining up around the corner, you know.”
I focus on filling the plates, my mind racing. I thought Dawn would be fending off people with a stick. The idea that she has trouble finding a date seems too impossible to believe.
She heads to the table and pours us some wine. I carefully bring out each plate, balancing it on my fingertips. My grand masterpiece may not be perfect, but I’m not about to let it crash to the floor. I worked too damn hard.
We sit down and I watch Dawn’s face eagerly as she takes her first bite. She smiles up at me and sucks down some spaghetti while I try not to watch her lips.
“It’s
great, Gina.”
“Really?” I take a bite and it’s so far from Mama’s recipe I could choke. It’s not bad…not exactly. It’s just not what it meant to be.
“I’m sorry. I screwed it up.” I look down at my plate. Dawn reaches out and touches my hand.
“Gina, it’s good. I’m just happy someone cared enough to make dinner for me. You couldn’t screw anything up. You’re amazing! You—”
Her phone rings suddenly. My heart drops like its been deflated. It sounds like she was going to tell me something important.
Maybe it’s all just my fantasy. The end of that sentence might not have been what I wanted to hear. The phone call could have saved me from heartbreak.
25
Dawn
My heart races, my cheeks flush, and everything that I’ve been thinking about Gina for the past few weeks is finally going to come out. I’m about to tell her that, yes, despite the fact that our relationship started as a ploy, I would like to stay together. I’m about to say that I’ve been thinking about our future, and real marriage or not, I want her in it. However, as soon as I have the perfect pitch for a real relationship on the tip of my tongue, the phone rings and ruins it all.
I swiftly silence it and return to my practiced speech. “As I was saying, during the renovation I really felt us beginning to connect and—“
Again, the phone rings angrily against the dinner table. “You should get that. I’ll be right here when you’re finished,” Gina offers.
“Ah, let me hold that thought then. Just a moment.” We exchange a small smile, both slightly disappointed that I didn’t get to share what was hopefully on both of our minds. Stepping away from the table towards the counter, I clear my throat. “Hello, Dawn speaking.”