I Love You More Than I'm Afraid (Our Forevers #2)

by Rebel Hart

  She gave me a kind smile that led me to believe no one had told her my involvement in what happened to her daughter. “Nice to meet you, Hannah.”

  “Nice to meet you as well.” I was perfectly fine with her never learning that. “I don’t want to take up any time if Aria’s family members want to see her, but I was hoping to go and talk with her before I left.”

  “Go right ahead,” she responded. “She’s actually pretty tired so I’m sending most of our family members off and telling them to come back in the morning anyway. Aria loves seeing her friends, so I’m sure she’d be happy to see you before I shut off visitors for the night.”

  “Thank you,” I replied.

  “Thanks, Serene,” Tristan said, then he walked me over to the locked door that led back to the rooms.

  Tristan looked over at the receptionist there and said, “108.”

  She nodded. “Only two visitors at a time.”

  He lifted a hand. “I’m not staying, just walking her back.”

  The receptionist accepted this and pressed a button which buzzed the doors and allowed us to pass through. We walked down to room 108 where I could hear Arden prattling on about something while Aria just nodded and listened. She really did stare at Arden like she was an angel from heaven, but I understood.

  Tristan walked in first, drawing attention to himself, and eventually me. “Hey,” he said. “Uh, Hannah was hoping you might be up for one more chat before getting some rest.”

  “Of course,” Aria said sweetly, although weakly. “Hi Hannah.”

  “Hi,” I said, already overcome with guilt.

  “Hannah has the best video to show you,” Tristan said. “Arden, do you mind giving these two a few minutes?”

  “Not at all, actually I’ll probably go. I know you and Serene are likely gonna spend the night, so…” She stood up from the chair and bent down to kiss Aria on the forehead. “I’ll be back first thing in the morning, okay?”

  Aria nodded. “Okay. I love you.”

  “Aw, I love you too, gorg. Get some rest okay?” Arden gave her a final, loving pet and then walked over to where Tristan and I were. She tapped Tristan’s shoulder and then looked at me and gave me a smile that actually made me blush. “Talk to you soon?”

  “Very,” I responded and it made her smile get bigger.

  “I’ll walk you out,” Tristan said, and with that, he and Arden left the room.

  I looked over at Aria and took a deep breath and just watched her for a second. It wasn’t until she said, “Oh god, please don’t just stand there and stare,” that I finally shuffled over and sat down where Arden had been moments before.

  “Hey…” I said again. “Aria. First of all, I owe you an apology. Not just for what happened at The Undersound tonight, but in general. I have not been nice to you, and it’s not fair, because you didn’t earn my malice.”

  “Apology accepted, though can I ask… why don’t you like me?”

  I blew air out of my mouth, making a raspberry sound with my lips as I did. “It’s complicated. Mostly rooted in my own insecurities I think? You are just so damn… Perfect. I really have a hard time with it.”

  Aria’s face twisted up into the most awkward, hysterical looking expression I’d ever seen. “Perfect? Me?” She laughed a little until it turned into a cough then she stopped. “I tripped on perfectly flat ground and fell straight down to my face, but okay.”

  “What?” I said.

  She folded her lips in and raised her eyebrows and then sighed. “Okay, so maybe I tried to run when the fight broke out and fell.”

  “You cracked your own skull open?” I yelped and then fell out laughing. “Oh my god. Did you tell Tristan or Arden?”

  “No, and we’re not going to tell them,” Aria replied.

  “Oh god, does it make me selfish that it actually makes me feel better?” I held up my hands immediately. “Don’t get me wrong, I know that it was still mostly my fault, but I needed that little bit of imperfection.”

  “I’m so far from perfect, you wouldn’t believe it. I often feel too boring for Arden, and I’m not athletic enough for Tristan. He’s so into sports and nature and stuff. He took me hiking for a date, and I was so out of breath like a quarter of the way up that we had to stop and turn around. You’re so much cooler and have all this stamina. I feel like I’m constantly trying to catch up to you.”

  I stared at Aria with a dropped jaw. Stupid didn’t describe how I felt. Aria was trying to catch up to me? “It’s going to take all night to process what you just said.”

  She chuckled. “Sorry?”

  “No, don’t be, just… yeah. I’m broken right now,” I said.

  “Tristan said you had something to show me?”

  “Oh! So… I don’t know if either of them told you, but Ceradi was… involved today.”

  “They may have mentioned it, along with many swear words, yes.”

  “Well…” I pulled out my phone and queued up the video. “I’m not sure if this helps, but…” I pressed play on the video and let Aria watch it.

  “What’s going on here? Is that you and Cera—OH! JESUS!” She winced in pain from the face she’d made. “You hit her!”

  “I did,” I said. “Now, I can’t pretend I was defending your honor. It was more because she kept using this really nasty, homophobic slur when talking about Arden, then she called her a freak and I snapped. She has a video of you getting hurt at The Undersound, but I sent this to her and told her if she doesn’t want this released, she shouldn’t release your video. I imagine she will listen.”

  Aria groaned. “I almost wish she would just so we can release this.”

  I giggled. “Tristan said you would say that.”

  “Did he really?”

  “Uh huh. Honestly, if you want this released more than you care about that being released, I’ll just do it.”

  She frowned. “Do you think it’s obvious in the video that I just tripped?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “Maybe.”

  She handed my phone back to me. “Yeah. Let’s just leave these videos to our individual entertainment.”

  I slipped it into my purse. “You got it.” I was pretty happy with how the conversation had gone and kind of wanted to leave it there, but there was one final thing I just had to ask, even if it made things turn sour. “Hey… Can I ask you something really personal?”

  “Sure?” she said. “I can’t promise an answer, but you can ask.”

  “Are you… attracted to Arden? You know, sexually or anything like that? Like if there were no Tristan and no me, maybe a little booze involved or… I don’t know. Would you sleep with her?”

  Aria’s gaze narrowed as if she was trying to find the root of my question. “Well. I love Arden a lot. I identify as straight, but objectively speaking, if I wasn’t in a relationship and she wasn’t in love with someone else, and if all the circumstances were right and it wouldn’t risk our friendship, I can’t say for a hundred percent certain that I wouldn’t do it. I honestly don’t know. She’s so incredible, but I don’t need to tell you that.” Then she tilted her head. “Did that answer your question?”

  I sighed. “Not really.”

  “Then just ask me what you really want to ask me,” she said.

  “Do you have feelings for Arden?” I said.

  She shook her head immediately. “Nope.”

  “None?”

  “None,” she repeated. “I’m crazy about her, platonically speaking, but no. There’s nothing romantic between us at all.”

  “Well, if I were to ask her that same question about you, her answer would be definitely yes.”

  Aria shook her head at me. “I think you’re overestimating Arden and my relationship. I mean, yeah, maybe if we were just two single women who were attracted to each other, but I think that could be said about just about anyone. You don’t need to speak in hypotheticals when you have real facts. You aren’t even really wondering if Arden has feelings for m
e, you want a confirmation that she has feelings for you.”

  She had me pegged. “Yeah, maybe.”

  “Didn’t she tell you that she loves you?”

  “She did.”

  “You don’t believe her?”

  “I do.”

  “Then what are we talking about?” Aria said. “Do you just look for reasons not to believe what people are telling you?”

  “Maybe because so many people are just telling me what I want to hear.”

  “Has Arden ever done that?”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  “If you’re looking for an outsider’s validation, then let me be that for you. Arden loves you. I see it in all the glances she’s stolen at you when she thinks no one is looking, and the way she mutters your name in her sleep at night. She’s told me all about how you guys used to play house and how she always dreamed of doing that for real. Arden loves you, Hannah. There’s no doubt about it in my mind.”

  “I needed to hear that.”

  “Glad I could say it,” Aria said. “So what are you going to do?”

  23

  Arden

  “Arden, can you use your key and get the door?” Tristan asked.

  “Yep!”

  Tristan and Serene were helping Aria out of the car and I rushed ahead to the front door to unlock it with the key that Serene had presented to me as a graduation gift. Once the door was open, I rushed in and secured Hazelnut, Aria’s dog, I ran back outside and popped Serene’s trunk in order to unload the bag of get-well gifts Aria had received over the course of her three-day stay in the hospital. Tristan scooped Aria up in his arms as I closed the trunk and together we all loaded Aria and her things inside.

  “Bed or couch?” Tristan asked.

  “You don’t have to carry me all the way up the stairs,” Aria grumbled.

  “That’s not what I asked you,” Tristan hit back.

  “I think bed, sweetie,” Serene said, tapping Tristan’s back. “She still needs more rest and she’ll be more comfortable up there.”

  Aria rolled her eyes, but Tristan was already on his way up the stairs, carrying Aria as if it wasn’t an issue, which for him it probably wasn’t.

  “Arden, I want my dog,” Aria yelled.

  “I’m on it,” I said, collecting Hazelnut from her kennel and shooing her up the stairs.

  Tristan carried Aria into her room and laid her gently on her bed before turning his attention to fluffing her pillows and trying to help her take her jacket off. “Tristan,” she barked. “I can take my own jacket off. I have a concussion, not broken arms.”

  “I’m just trying to help, Aria,” he whined back.

  “I know, I’m sorry, I’ve just had people fawning over me nonstop for three days. I hate feeling helpless.”

  “Aria.” Serene turned into the room with a pill bottle and water in her hands. “You can take more pain meds, baby. I got you some water too. Here, open up.”

  Aria reached out her hands. “I can do it myself, mom.” Tristan had moved on to Aria’s feet and was helping prop her ankle, which we’d learned got sprained, though we were unsure how that happened. The doctors suspected maybe someone tripped over it. “What are you doing?”

  “The doctor said to keep your ankle elevated,” he responded.

  “It’s off the ground,” Aria said.

  Tristan put his hands on his hips. “That’s not what he meant and you know it.”

  “Aria,” her mom called her attention back. “The meds. I’m right here, just say ahh.”

  “Enough!” Aria snapped. “If you aren’t my dog or my best friend, I want you out of my room!”

  Tristan really didn’t like that. “Baby. I’m sorry, I just wanna take care of you.”

  “Don’t try to butter me up with your cute face and puppy dog eyes. Get out,” she barked and I had to fight back a laugh. “You too, mom, out.”

  Serene tried to take a parental stand, saying “You can’t talk to me that way,” but then she noticed the look of exhausted irritation on Aria’s face and bowed out. “Fine. Come on, Tristan. We’ll come back when she’s high on vicodin.”

  Though Aria’s mother was plenty willing to abide by her daughter’s sudden attitude, Tristan was less than thrilled. He ducked down to Aria and gave her a kiss. “It’s okay for me to be worried about you.”

  This seemed to work on Aria who sorted a little. “I know, but I’m fine. Please, just some time with my best friend is really what I need right now.” He accepted that then, nodding and standing up to leave. I couldn’t help but stick out my tongue in victory as he trudged out, muttering about going to be with Hannah, the only person who really appreciated him, and left. “Close that door, and lock it.”

  I did as she asked, sliding the door shut and twisting the lock, then I walked over and sat in the armchair where I often sat and slept when I was over, sliding it right up to the edge of the bed so that I could be close to Aria and share Hazelnut.

  “You should be easier on them, you know? They’re just super worried about you,” I said.

  “Well so are you, but you’re not hanging all over me like I’m incapable of taking care of myself,” she replied.

  “Only because I don’t wanna get my head bitten off,” I responded, then nodded my head towards her pills. “You really should take more pain meds, or you’re gonna be twice as frustrated in about twenty minutes.”

  She picked up the water and pills her mom left and took them before pointing at her ankle, “Can you help me get a pillow under my ankle too, please? It hurts.” I laughed, but didn’t comment and helped prop a couple of pillows under Aria’s ankle before settling back down into my chair. “So, have you heard from Hannah yet?”

  “Casually, just to check on you and stuff, but no relationship-y type stuff,” I said. “I don’t know. I was super hopeful that it was heading in that direction, but now all of a sudden it seems like she might be bailing on me.”

  “Do you really think so?” Aria said. “That conversation we had, I was so certain she was going to go for it with you.”

  “What exactly did she say again?”

  “Well, she didn’t so much say anything, as much as she showed everything. I asked her what she was going to do with what I’d said and she just got this huge smile on her face. She didn’t say anything else about you before she left, but she was kind of glowing the entire time. I assumed that meant she’d decided to go for it with you and was really excited about it.”

  Despite what Hannah and I had decided about it being all or nothing, in the wake of having a single, reasonable conversation, we found ourselves drawn to one another again. It was nothing like the way it used to be, mostly because of the elephant in the room, but we were at least texting casually. What usually started out as Hannah texting to ask about Aria, generally turned into typical conversation, catching up or reminiscing about old times.

  “In all honesty, when she was texting me, it felt like she was just using you as an excuse to initiate contact. She could ask Tristan about how you’re doing, it doesn’t have to be me.”

  Aria held up her hands. “Hey. I’m fine being used for that.”

  I sighed. “But it hasn’t led anywhere. Do you think she’s doing the whole taking the dog out to the pasture to run around for one last time before putting it down, thing? You know, giving me a little taste of what it might be like if we were gonna be together because she knows she’s gonna just let me down in the end?”

  “I really don’t think so,” Aria said. “I just don’t get what’s taking so long.”

  “Yeah, and I still have Y.I.I.P. to think about,” I said.

  Aria furrowed her brow. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, I’m obviously not going to go if Hannah wants to get back together.”

  Aria’s jaw hit the bed. “What? Why?”

  “We can’t go from this to a long-distance relationship. That would be doomed before it even took off. If she wants to be together, then I’l
l have to figure some things out. Find a school here that I can apply to late or something.”

  Aria let out a groan. “Wow.”

  “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Aria,” I pressed.

  “I mean…” She sighed. “That just sucks, you know? Does it really have to be one or the other. Y.I.I.P. is such a good opportunity for you. If Hannah wants to get back together with you, no one is going to be more excited for you than I am, but you may not get another chance like that again. Nothing here is as awesome as that, besides what about getting out of here and going someplace more open-minded?”

  “Yeah, I know, but I can’t walk away from Hannah. If I was going to do that, I never would have broached the subject of getting back together in the first place.” I ran my hand through my hair. “I know that giving up on Y.I.I.P. would be throwing away a really excellent opportunity, but so would giving up on Hannah. I’ve got this incredible chance to be with the love of my life again, I don’t want to mess that up.”

  I could see the look of disappointment on Aria’s face. After all the hard work that she put in helping me apply for it, she was probably almost as excited to see me go as I was. I didn’t want to let her down, but I also knew if I ran off to New York even if Hannah and I got back together, our relationship would not survive that, and I would forever wonder what could have been if I’d invested in our relationship instead. I’d told Tristan about the recurring dream I’d had of coming back ten years later and finding that Hannah and I still had just as strong feelings for one another as we did before, but I didn’t want that.

  I didn’t want to lose ten years with Hannah if I didn’t have to.

  “Don’t you go wishing that she turns me down now,” I said.

  Aria shook her head. “No. I would never. I know how much you love her. I still really hope that she comes through and that you guys can start this love story you both so obviously deserve, it’s just… I don’t know, it feels like you giving up something so huge for it is just already starting off on the wrong foot.”

  “I don’t know the alternative,” I said. “Hannah’s not going anywhere. She’s committed to a college here already.” I put my hand on Aria’s. “Don’t worry, mama bear. If Hannah and I can just get to that place again, I’ll figure the rest out after that. There’s nothing we won’t be able to get through together after surviving all this.”