I Love You More Than I'm Afraid (Our Forevers #2)

by Rebel Hart

  I smiled. “You and me both.”

  Aria’s phone rang, for which I was grateful. I climbed out of her lap and up off the bed to return to my packing as she answered her phone with a sweet, “Hi mama.” She was quiet for a little bit, rolling her eyes and nodding before saying. “I did drive, but it’s fine. It’s my left leg that I hurt anyway and my head didn’t hurt at all.” She turned and looked out the window, apparently in response to what her mother said, then she nodded. “Yes, yes. You’re right. I’ll leave before it gets dark. I’ll call you when I get home. Love you. Bye.” She hung up her phone and looked up at me. “My mom doesn’t think I should drive in the dark and she’s probably right.”

  It was already late afternoon and sunset was nearly here, which meant that our time was already coming to a close. “Yeah, she is.” Aria hobbled up off the bed and I hooked my arm under hers and helped her out of my bedroom and down the stairs. My parents were gone for some church thing, which made getting through the house much less stressful, and eventually we made our way outside. I got her over to the driver’s side door of her car and then opened it for her before holding my arms out for a hug. “Bring it in. My flight’s early, so this is goodbye, gorg.”

  Aria was clearly fighting back tears as she leaned into my embrace, squeezing around me until I was struggling to breathe. “I am going to miss you so much.”

  “Not nearly as much as I’m going to miss you.” She leaned back and I pressed a hand to the side of her face. “I’m gonna try not to get too sappy here, but… Aria, I really meant it when I said you’re my guardian angel. You descended on me out of nowhere and it was like bam, my whole life changed. I’m so happy for you and Tristan. I can’t wait to be your future baby’s god-mom. Please visit me soon. I’m gonna be dying without you.”

  Aria nodded. “I will, because—same.”

  It was difficult, but I let her go, holding her arm to get her into her car without falling and then I shut the door from her and stood back. I watched sadly as she started up her car and then gave me one last, weak wave before driving off. For how little time we’d actually known each other, Aria had quickly become one of the most important people in my life. It was almost worth staying not to have to say goodbye to her, but there was a future waiting for me in NYC.

  One that got me away from my parents, and god willing, would help me get over Hannah.

  27

  Hannah

  Thanks to my easing dislike for Aria, when Tristan invited me out to dinner with the pair of them in order to distract Aria from Arden’s encroaching departure, I was able to oblige. It had been a week since Aria first dropped the news that she was leaving, and I still struggled to believe it. Aria meant so much to Arden. It was difficult to imagine she’d up and leave, breaking her promise to be there for Aria’s graduation party. But it must have meant that was how hard she was taking our breakup. I’d all but gone into a frozen place where I just refused to let myself think about it. It wasn’t entirely healthy, but it helped me deal with the pain.

  When I arrived at the restaurant I was meeting them at, Tristan and Aria were hugged together in one side of a booth and Aria was crying. I tried to remember if I’d ever seen the woman cry before, but I couldn’t think of a time. She was always puffing her chest out and putting on a strong facade for everyone around her. It made it that much more heartbreaking that she couldn’t manage to remain resolved.

  It wasn’t like I didn’t get it. Seeing Aria immediately snapped my mind to the idea that in less than twenty-four hours, Arden would be all the way on the Eastern seaboard and I’d probably never see her again. I jettisoned that thought from my brain.

  If I don’t acknowledge it, it isn’t happening.

  “Hey,” I said, when I’d finally hardened myself enough to approach the table. “Aria, I’m so sorry.”

  She sniffled in, grabbing a napkin and wiping her tears away. “Thanks. Me too.”

  “Yeah,” I said.

  “You’re handling it really well,” she whimpered.

  “That’s because Hannah has taken a really destructive detachment strategy,” Tristan scolded. “AKA, she’s in denial.”

  “Please stop,” I growled. “I’m actually eating and sleeping again. Do you want that to stop?”

  He opened his mouth to reply, but then closed it again and sighed. “No.”

  “It’s not like I’m not sad,” I said, already feeling my emotions pressing against the gate I’d locked up tight. “I mean… Arden and I were inseparable for the first fifteen years of our lives. I fell in love with her and now…” My nose started to burn and my eyes started to water. “Damn it, Tristan. You did this on purpose.”

  “I did!” he yelped. “Because it’s not good to hold it in.”

  I dropped my head against the table and heard shuffling before suddenly Tristan was next to me consoling me instead of Aria. Part of me wanted to shove him back in her direction, but I honestly needed the consolation and decided to be selfish about it.

  “Hannah, can I be honest about something?” Aria said in a shaky tone. “Please don’t be mad.”

  “Okay?”

  “I don’t get it,” she said. “You love Arden so much. You belong together.”

  “I don’t disagree with you,” I said, annoyed.

  “Aria…” Tristan warned.

  “No, I wanna hear what she has to say,” I said. “Go ahead.”

  “It just… It feels so trivial to me. If you love her so much, why is being with her publicly so hard for you?” Aria asked.

  It was one step forward, two steps back with Aria for me sometimes. “You could never understand the amount of pressure I’m under. When you’re…” I looked around, making sure no one was watching us. “When you’re gay, it’s different. It’s difficult. There’s stigmas and ridicule and I’m just doing the best I can.”

  Aria held her hands up immediately. “You’re a hundred percent right, I could never relate to what you must be going through. I can’t imagine. It must be so scary and it would take strength that I will never have in my whole lifetime.” She lowered her gaze. “But Arden understands.” It struck a nerve with me that I wasn’t expecting. “She’s already lost everything. Her parents have abandoned her, she wasn’t able to bond with her sisters, she can never go back home. She had to start over and build from scratch, but she told me it was worth it to love you.”

  “I’m just not that strong,” I whined back. “I’m afraid of losing my family and my home.”

  “But we’d never let you fall,” Tristan said. “And if your family would honestly reject you just because you love someone, then why do you want them in your life? It will never feel good.”

  “We’ll back off, because you’re right, Tris and I will never know the fear you have to face, but can I ask one last question? What’s your plan? Are you just going to pretend to be straight forever? Marry a guy you’re not attracted to and just live a half-life?”

  I shook my head, remembering Shane at Ceradi’s party or even dating Tristan and how impossible it was. “No. I assume I’ll eventually have to face it.”

  Tristan looked at me. “Do you think that when you do you’ll regret that you didn’t do it in time to be with Arden?”

  I thought about it for a long time. I imagined myself five or ten years down the road. For me, I was most concerned about the fact that I lived with my family and they supported me. So maybe when I had my own house and a job and could live my life totally separate from my parents, I’d admit the truth to them. The fear that they would reject me totally and I’d lose my mom and dad still scared me, but Aria and Tristan were right. I wasn’t ever going to marry a man just to be the person my parents wanted me to be. It was more likely that I’d just never get married or have a family, but that thought made me even more sad because they were things I wanted so badly. I remembered playing house with Arden, and just like Aria told me she dreamed, I dreamed too. Of having a house that we lived in together. Waking up together
, going to bed together. Eventually getting married and having a family. Those were the things I dreamed about. Even if it wasn’t with Arden, I wanted it someday.

  But if I was going to go for it someday, why couldn’t I go for it today and be with the love of my life?

  “I will regret that,” I admitted as tears filled my eyes, then I looked over at Tristan. “I’ve made a mistake.”

  “What?” Tristan said.

  “Oh my god!” My head jerked towards Aria. “I made a mistake! I should be with Arden!”

  Aria’s eyes widened. “What?”

  “What am I doing? Why am I sitting here?” I said. “Of course I’d regret that. I already regret it. I want to be with her. Losing her forever is way scarier than anything else!”

  “Yeah,” Aria said. “Yeah!” She threw her arm in the air.

  “What are you going to do?” Tristan asked.

  “Aria. Do you have Arden’s flight information?” I asked.

  “Yeah, but she doesn’t leave for about twelve hours. If you call her now, you can catch her,” Aria said.

  I shook my head. “No. This time, I have to do things absolutely right. I have a plan that will be better for us both, and I’ll need both of your help.”

  28

  Arden

  The only thing I really had to wait for in the morning was for ride services to start operating. As soon as I was able to call for a car, I did, and then it was finally time to pick up my things and leave. It was so early that it was still dark outside, but that was good because it would make slipping off quietly that much easier. I changed into the outfit that I left out for myself to wear to get me through security at the airport nice and quickly and shoved the last of my possessions into my bags. I picked everything up and took one last look around my room.

  “Well, I’d like to say I’m going to miss you, but…” I looked at my bed, imagining a younger Hannah laying there flipping through comics with me and trying to convince me that I was more of a superhero than Wonder Woman; my chair at my desk where I used to spend hours working on my designs and improving my craft; over at the window sill where Aria liked to sit and run interference when my parents walked into the room. A smile came to my face. “Maybe I’ll miss you a little bit.”

  My phone buzzed letting me know my ride had arrived, so I picked up my bags and headed out of my bedroom and started down the stairs. It was hard to get all of my bags down all by myself, but I didn’t want to make multiple trips. Though it was heavy, I had my big, military bag slung over my back, my smaller backpack looped over one shoulder, and my smaller carry-on bag balanced on my wrist. They kept banging against the wall, probably waking everyone up, but that didn’t bother me so long as I could get out before anyone actually came to inquire.

  Finally, I made my way outside and flagged down the ride share so that they knew not to leave. I was kind of hoping that the driver might see me struggling and jump out to help me, but he just stared in disdain like I was wasting his time.

  “Need some help?” I looked over my shoulder and Whitney and Willow were standing in the doorway. Willow was wearing some of the clothes I’d gifted to her when I was packing, and a smile on her face. “No offense, but you look like you’re struggling.”

  I smiled. “Yeah, actually. Here.”

  I handed my carry on to Whitney and then slid my backpack off my back and handed it over to Willow. I groaned in relief as some of the weight left my body, then I led the way over to the car. The driver finally did get out then, opening his trunk for us to load the bags in before getting back into the driver’s seat.

  After opening the back door and tossing in my bag, I turned around to face my sisters. There wasn’t much I could do to help them now, but they only had a handful of years before they could escape for themselves.

  “We’re gonna miss you,” Whitney said, surprisingly leading the initiative, mostly because Willow already looked on the verge of tears.

  “I’m gonna miss you guys too.” I wrapped my arms around them and pulled them into a hug. “I love you two a lot, okay? Don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise. I’m not leaving because—”

  Willow yanked backwards out of my hold. “We know!” Her eyes were watering, but she was holding it together, reminding me of myself. “We know that this isn’t about us, Arden. We also know that mom and dad will try and convince us that it is. You don’t have to worry. We love you and nothing is going to change that.” She leaned in. “We’re already planning a trip to come and visit you. We’re gonna try and pass it off as a summer school thing.”

  I smiled. “Look at you little schemers.” I started to fake cry. “I have nothing left to teach you.”

  Throwing my arms around them in one more hug, I finally ripped myself away from them and climbed into the car. Willow shut the door behind me and stood back and both girls stood there waving as the car pulled off.

  “Airport, right?” the driver said.

  “Yes please,” I said.

  The further we got from my parents house and the closer we got to the airport, the better I started to feel. There was this invisible tether that was trying to drag me backwards and hold me in place. It would have been so easy for me to stay home, just fight my way through the discomfort of living with my parents until I could find some college to go to, doing something that I didn’t love, just because that was easier, but I was glad I didn’t do that. The tether was straining and straining until it snapped somewhere in the drive up to the front of the airport.

  I was finally free.

  After checking my bags and getting through security, I found my way to my gate. I packed all of my materials to wash up once I was there because I knew I’d have time. I made a plan to brush my teeth after getting breakfast, but I at least wanted to wash my face, brush my hair, and get some makeup on. I located my gate first and then headed to the nearest bathroom to clean myself up.

  I’d gotten all the way through my hair and face and was leaning a little closer to the mirror to put my eye makeup on when I noticed the reflection of a beautiful woman staring at me through the mirror. I smiled at her and kept doing my eyeliner, keeping an eye on her as she walked up to the sink a couple down from the one I was using and started washing her hands. She was wearing a university sweater for NYU and had long, curly brown hair.

  After finishing my makeup, I packed everything back into my bag and then turned to walk away.

  “You’ve got a ‘fleeing the small town’ look about you.”

  I laughed and looked over my shoulder at her. “You figured me out. I was trying not to be obvious.”

  “Then you may not want to pack everything you own in one bag,” she responded.

  I snickered. “You obviously didn’t see the body bag I had to lug up to bag check.”

  She giggled, finished washing her hands and then walked over. “Let me guess, gay in a small, midwest town. Parents are hyper-religious and think your very existence is a sin? Headed to New York for the art scene and open-minded culture?”

  I led the way out of the bathroom, laughing. “Wow. You are really good at that. Or maybe it’s just a story that you know really well?”

  She flicked her head side to side. “Now you’ve got me.” She extended her hand towards me. “I’m Phoebe. My family is from here, but I’m an art history major at NYU. I’ll be starting my sophomore year in the fall, but I’m heading back early because… well, why would I not?”

  “I get it,” I responded. “I’m Arden. I’m starting the Young Innovators Internship Program in August, but also, why stay here longer than I have to?”

  “Totally.” She checked her watch and then looked back up at me. “Well, we’ve got time before our flight. Do you wanna get some coffee with me?”

  I thought I meant what I said to Aria about not dating, but I was quickly remembering how nice it was just to be involved with someone. Phoebe was cute. Not Hannah cute, but cute, and maybe it would be nice to have a little distraction and maybe move
on sooner rather than later.

  “Sure,” I said.

  “Sorry. She’s taken.” I whipped around at the sound of a familiar voice and my jaw dropped at the sight of Hannah standing behind me with a bag over her shoulder. She didn’t have her blue contacts in, nor was she wearing any preppy clothes, but instead she had on a hoodie, jeans, and a pair of her designer kicks. “So no coffee for you.”

  “Hannah…”

  “I can’t believe you,” Phoebe yelped. “If you have a girlfriend, why are you flirting with me?” She stomped around me, scoffing, but that didn’t matter.

  The only thing that mattered to me was right in front of me.

  I stammered to find my words. “What are you—”

  “Here, you watch this. I have to pee.” She shoved her cell phone into my hand with a video cued up and rushed into the bathroom.

  I was still so in shock that I could barely move, but I forced what focus I had into pressing the play button. Hannah’s face appeared on the screen briefly before the video turned down and showed a shot of some packed bags. She zipped up the last of them and then a couple of sets of hands reached into the frame and grabbed the bags off the bed. The camera panned up to Tristan and Aria, who were holding the bags and smiling.

  “We’ll get these down to the car,” Tristan said quietly. “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay with you?”

  “I’ll be fine. I’m gonna be running for the hills anyway,” Hannah replied. “Go. Quietly.”

  Aria and Tristan walked out of the room with the bags in hand and the camera angle showed as they walked down the stairs and up the hallway towards the front door, before the camera angle turned and flowed into the kitchen. Hannah’s parents were sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee with the sunrise barely coming up in the window behind them. It seemed the video had been filmed not too long ago.

  “Mom, dad,” Hannah said from behind the camera. “I’m gay.”