Could Have Been Us

by Corinne Michaels

  Jack grips the back of his neck, watching Kinsley with apprehension. “The only way I could live with the decision we made was to let you go completely. It may not make sense to you, and I know it’ll probably sound horrible, but after I placed you in your mother’s arms and you were gone, I couldn’t look back. I had to go on with life, knowing that the decision I made that day was irreversible. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and if I could see you, know you, I would’ve wanted you back, and that was never an option.”

  Kinsley’s eyes mist over, and her lip quivers again. “I want to be angry, but then I don’t know how to be. I loved my mom. I love my dad. They love me and have been good parents. I thought . . . I don’t know . . . that you didn’t love me, but now I’ve read these letters and you’re talking and I don’t know what to think.”

  I clench my hands together to keep from pulling her into my arms. “We love you more than we loved anything else, Kinsley. I know that it’s hard to believe that when you think we abandoned you.”

  She shakes her head, not able to meet our eyes. “They didn’t talk about you guys much, and I never asked. But they did tell me that you loved me and that’s why you gave me to them. I’ve had great parents.”

  “We know,” Jack says. “It’s why we chose them.”

  The day we met Misty and Samuel, we knew instantly that they were the right people. We could feel how wonderful they were and were positive that they would raise our child the best way possible.

  He walks toward the two of us. “Today has been really intense, so why don’t we get some food, and tomorrow we can all figure out a plan that works?”

  “Okay.”

  I take a few breaths and nod.

  Now to figure out the plan.

  Chapter 29

  Jack

  Stella and I are sitting in the living room, staring at the cell phone on the table. We’ve put it off as long as we can. Kinsley is asleep, and we’ve run out of excuses.

  “We have to call,” I say, lifting my phone.

  “Wait. I should tell him.” Her hand grabs mine and then she trembles.

  “No. This time, it has to come from me.”

  I’ve thought about this, and I’m not going to let her be the one who deals with this brother. Grayson may not handle this well, but I’ll be the one he yells at, not Stella. She’s done enough today.

  “It should be us both.” Stella’s voice cracks at the end.

  I lean in, kissing her gently. “It should’ve been me twelve years ago. It should’ve been me, telling him the truth about how I felt about you, a hundred times after that. All this time, Stella, I’ve been putting off this conversation, and I’m going to have it, man to man.”

  She sits back, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I want to argue, but honestly, I don’t have it in me. I’d like to be here though.”

  That request I have no problem granting her. “Okay.”

  I dial his number and wait for the video to kick on. After a few rings, Grayson’s face is there. “Hey, where are you? We got a fire call last night, and you weren’t there.”

  “I had something I needed to take care of.” I’m unable to hide the strain in my voice.

  “Everything all right?” Gray asks.

  “Are you alone?”

  He looks over and then back to me. “Jess is here, but Amelia is asleep.”

  I nod. “I have to talk to you about something, Gray.”

  He sits up straight before propping the phone against something so we see Jess in the screen too. “Okay? What’s wrong?”

  Stella’s hand moves to my back, and her head rests on my shoulder. “Stella and I are in Georgia. We had to come down here to deal with something, and I want you to know that not telling you about this hasn’t been easy for either of us. We’ve struggled with it each day, but we both felt it wasn’t something we were ready to talk to anyone about.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” There’s an edge to his voice, and I know this isn’t going to be like when Stella told Joshua, Alexander, or Oliver.

  I take Stella’s hand, grateful that he’ll be directing his anger at me even if it’ll hurt her all the same.

  As I blow out a long breath of air, I begin. “Your sister and I have had feelings for each other for a long time. We weren’t going behind your back, but we were together once.”

  “I figured as much. When?”

  “Her eighteenth birthday. That night, we slept together. It was something that just happened, and it never happened again.” Stella’s fingers grip mine tighter. Grayson’s jaw clenches, and Jessica shifts to rest her hand on his shoulder. “We had a daughter.”

  “You’re fucking kidding me.”

  “No, I wish we were. Kinsley is twelve. Her mother died recently, and her father is struggling. He’s asked us to keep her for the next thirty days while he gets help. Stella and I are here now, making all the arrangements.”

  Grayson’s face is frozen in anger. He doesn’t speak or move other than to draw in heavy breaths through his clenched teeth. This is exactly what I was afraid of. He hates lies. He hates deceit. It is his unforgivable sin, and we committed it twice.

  “I guess no lies wasn’t the same promise I thought it was.”

  “I didn’t lie to you, Grayson. I kept something that neither of us wanted to ever tell anyone else. We gave Kinsley up, she hasn’t been ours since the day she was born, and we had no intention of that changing. You didn’t need to know.”

  “She’s my fucking sister. You slept with her, got her pregnant when she was a kid, and then let her give that baby away?”

  I let out a long sigh. “And I’ve lived with that daily. I’ve punished myself more than you ever could have. It hasn’t been easy for anyone, and I didn’t enjoy keeping this from you.”

  He runs his fingers through his hair. “It’s like I don’t even fucking know you. You’re the guy who . . . Jesus Christ.”

  Stella takes the phone. “Grayson, Jack and I have had a really hard day today. If you can’t be the supportive and wonderful brother I need, then I don’t really need to hear your voice. I understand that, right now, you might feel a bit blindsided, but I don’t give a flying fuck about that. We called because we’re . . . well, we’re drowning. You think this is hard for you? Imagine how it is for the three of us. Imagine how it was to have to meet a little girl that we let go as a baby, watch her cry as her life is literally flipped. For one second, just think about how difficult it was for Jack and me to have to call Josh, Alex, and Oliver. Then to know we had to call you and face this reaction. You’re supposed to be Jack’s best friend, the one person he can rely on. Be it, and stop being a selfish ass.”

  She hangs up the phone and collapses against my chest. Sobs wrack her body as her emotions release.

  I hold her as tight as I can. Each shudder of her body causes my heart to break. After a few minutes, she lifts her head. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t you dare apologize,” I tell her. “I’m just as . . . done . . . as you are.”

  “The hard part of telling my brothers is over. Now we can focus on the next step.”

  “We have to remember that this is temporary. No matter how special, beautiful, and wonderful that little girl is, she’s not ours. She’s Samuel’s daughter, Stella. We have to hold on to that. Yes, we made her, but we aren’t her parents. You’re not her mother, and I’m not her father. Not in the way that matters. We have no legal rights once this thirty-day period is over.”

  She nods, a fresh wave of tears falling. “I know, but . . . when I look at her. I see you. I see us, and I see . . .”

  A family. One that we’re not, and it’s going to absolutely destroy her when Samuel returns and wants back the little girl he gave to us for safe keeping.

  “Stella, you can’t go down that road.”

  She nods, wiping at her cheeks. “It’s going to be hard.”

  “That’s an understatement, but we have to keep telling ourselves th
e truth. This isn’t a situation where we come out without scars.”

  Stella exhales and then looks away. “I know a lot about scars.”

  “As do I. The wounds heal, but the reminder is there.”

  I think about the burn marks on my legs from the fire I was in when I was a kid. While I’ve learned to almost overlook them, some days, I can’t. I remember my mother’s screams. The way my father called out for her over and over.

  The heat, the smell of things burning around me, and the way I couldn’t talk for days after because of how hard I’d yelled that night are as fresh in my mind as they were the day it happened.

  The scars of that night are always with me. The woman beside me became my light in the darkness that was consuming me. Stella’s eyes, the kindness and friendship that was always there.

  She saved me.

  She has always saved me, and I gave her wounds.

  And it looks like she’ll once again be hurt because of me.

  Chapter 30

  Stella

  I roll over, feeling like my eyes are sewn shut from the amount of crying I’ve done. With great effort, I open them and see Jack is already up.

  Last night, we held on to each other for hours, just letting the silence fill the air. Words could do nothing to make this any better.

  I push myself up and look at the clock, it’s still early.

  After I fix myself up a little, I head out to see Jack and Kinsley at the kitchen counter. He’s drinking a cup of coffee, and she’s eating toast.

  “Good morning,” I say, pasting on a smile.

  “Good morning,” they both reply.

  I walk toward Kinsley. “Did everyone sleep okay?”

  Kinsley nods. “I think so.”

  “Kinsley was just telling me about her math club.” Jack was in math club. The hottest guy in school was the biggest geek. It was poetic in some ways.

  In my desperation to make him see me as more than Grayson’s annoying little sister, I tried to join. I was terrible. Seriously, I couldn’t add without using my fingers, and there I was, trying to fit in with Jack who could solve complex equations in his head. It was pathetic.

  He grins as though he can read my thoughts.

  Kinsley’s eyes jump between us. “What?”

  Jack chuckles. “I’m remembering this girl who joined math club when I was in high school. She was pretty, funny, smart, and very transparent.”

  I groan and look at Kinsley. “It was me. The girl was me.”

  “She is not mathematically inclined.”

  I cross my arms while rolling my eyes. “Is there such a thing?”

  He grins and then sips his coffee. “It seems Kinsley is.”

  “I like numbers, they’re honest and reliable. You can always get the same answer, no matter what. There’s no guessing if two plus two is four. It is. To everyone in the world,” Kinsley explains.

  “There’s a fairness in numbers,” Jack finishes. “I get it.”

  Kinsley nods. “I don’t . . . fit in, but the numbers don’t care.”

  How different this girl is from me when I was her age. I never struggled to fit in. I don’t know if it helped having three older brothers and a twin who would always be by my side, but I had my people. Joshua, Alex, and Grayson made sure that I was always protected. No one would dare to hurt me.

  As for girls, I had my fair share of stupid drama, but because I had Winnie, it didn’t matter much. Also, they all wanted to sleep with my brothers, so being on my bad side was a surefire way to never get close to the Parkerson boys.

  I take the seat beside Kinsley. “Do you have a best friend?”

  She nods. “Carrie Ann. We’ve been friends since we were about five.”

  I smile. “I have one of those. Her name is Winnie.”

  She looks to Jack. “What about you?”

  “My best friend is also Stella’s older brother.”

  I sigh deeply. “It’s a very tangled web in Willow Creek.”

  “So, you fell in love with your best friend’s sister?” Kinsley asks.

  “I did.”

  “Carrie Ann has an older brother too.”

  “Oh, honey,” I say quickly. “It’s a bad idea. Trust me.”

  Jack raises one brow. “Really?”

  I nod. “They’re horrible,” I explain to Kinsley. “They are wishy-washy. They can’t seem to decide if they want you or don’t want to rock the boat with their sibling. It’s a really bad look.”

  Jack huffs out his laughter. “And here I thought it was sweet that I cared about everyone.”

  “It wasn’t. It was annoying.”

  Kinsley laughs. “So, I mean, how was I born then?”

  The shift in the room is almost tangible, but I promised her answers.

  “I loved Jack since I was a little girl. At least, I thought I did. Now I see that what I felt back then wasn’t even close to how I feel about him now. I was young, and . . . I was . . . a little broken. I had no reason to be, not really. My brothers, I have four of them, are all pretty great. My parents, on the other hand, well, they’re . . .”

  Jack clears his throat. “Horrible.”

  “Yes, they’re horrible. But back then, I really thought they could fix themselves if they just tried. I was watching my brothers struggle with it too. It was my eighteenth birthday when Jack and I gave in to those feelings. For one night, we weren’t Grayson’s best friend and little sister. We were just Jack and Stella.”

  “And then I came along?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did you want to keep me?” Kinsley asks with a tremble in her voice.

  “More than anything.”

  Jack places his mug down. “We were young. We knew that we couldn’t give you a life like this. One where your mother would be at your school events or your father could take time off to go on fun vacations. I was still in college, and Stella hadn’t even started yet. We had nothing, and . . . giving you nothing felt like a selfish choice.”

  I fight back the tears and hold on to the strength we had that day. “Misty and Samuel were wonderful people. They loved you before you were even born, and Jack and I knew they were the right choice.”

  Kinsley looks over at the wall of family photos. “They never made me feel . . . less.”

  “Oh, honey, you weren’t less. Not in any of our eyes. When we chose your parents, it was because we knew they were the right option. We knew they’d always love you, do the best thing for you, and they did. They honored what we wanted with the open adoption. Jack and I, along with your parents, agreed on that for your benefit.”

  “So I could’ve found you if I wanted?” Kinsley asks.

  “Yes, and your mom was always gracious to send us updates so we knew about you.”

  Jack scratches the scuff on his face. “None of us ever saw it going this way. I can’t imagine the strength it took for your father to call us. I know it may not seem like it, but admitting he needed help and then asking his daughter’s biological parent to help had to have been one of the hardest things he’s ever done. There’s a lot of trust in that, and we don’t take it lightly.”

  Kinsley runs her finger along the rim of her plate. “So now what?”

  I look at Jack, who nods. “We wish we could stay down here for the time your dad needs, but while we’re starting with thirty days, Samuel did tell us it could be more if he needs it. We can stay here a few more days if you need, but then we need to get back to Willow Creek Valley.”

  A tear falls down her cheek. “I don’t want to leave my home.”

  I reach out, placing my hand on hers. “I know, and I’m sorry, but it’s only for a short time.”

  “Can I take what I want from here?”

  Jack speaks first. “Of course.”

  “Will I meet everyone?”

  “Slowly, and only if you want,” I say quickly. “You don’t have to get to know any of them, but . . .” My stomach is in knots. I don’t know how to explain that she has a famil
y, a wonderful one, who will love her instantly. “They’ll be there if you want to.”

  “This is my home,” I say as we enter.

  Thankfully, Oliver already moved into Jack’s cabin and brought Jack’s things to my place.

  Since I have a two bedroom loft, it made the most sense.

  “Wow, it’s really cool.”

  I smile. “I like the rustic warehouse feel.”

  “Do you live here too?” she asks Jack.

  “No, I have a cabin, but Stella’s brother is staying there, so I’m going to sleep here, if that’s cool?”

  “It’s cool.”

  Kinsley has been amazing with us so far. She asks questions, wanting to know us, but then backs off when she gets overwhelmed. Jack and I aren’t pushing and are just allowing it to happen at her pace.

  I have no idea how I’m going to get to know this brilliant girl and then watch her leave again.

  I keep reminding myself not to fall in love with her, but it’s already happened. If I’m honest, it happened the first time I held her, and it hasn’t ebbed.

  “I need to use the bathroom,” she says.

  “It’s right through there.” I point down the hall. “The first door is my room and the bathroom is past that on your right. Your room will be back out this way and to the left.”

  “Okay.”

  She heads down the hall, and I let out a sigh. “Let’s see what mess we have to clean up in her room. If we can get her settled, I can go talk to my mother.”

  Jack nods. “All right.”

  I walk over to what has been Oliver’s room, which was Amelia’s room before that, and open the door. God only knows how my brother left it.

  When I enter, I’m both impressed and overwhelmed. It’s clean and changed as well. It did have a pink comforter with butterflies all over it. Now, it has teal bedding. There is a bookcase that wasn’t there before that is filled with books I didn’t own a week ago. It seems my brothers—or Jessica—were hard at work while we were gone.

  There’s a note on the side table.